CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Problem Solving with Reasonable Perseverance
Early on in my social-work training, I was taught not to solve clients’ problems, but to move them to find their own solutions. Have you any idea how hard it is to lead people who see no possible solution to their dilemma? It is incredibly frustrating. When history and experience have combined to convince them there is no hope, it takes prodigious efforts to change that world view.
I worked for eighteen years in a manufacturing environment, and most of those years I was a supervisor. A machine broke down, a line went down and it was my job to get it going. I had trained operators and qualified mechanics, but ultimately I was responsible for production. One night the packer at the end of the line went down. My crew had been working to repair it for more than an hour when I went to watch. After several minutes, I walked over and engaged the power button. Behold! The machine was fixed. More than likely, the mechanics had repaired the minor malfunction in the first few minutes the machine was down, but failed to perform the obvious: Once repaired, the packer needed to be restarted. I had had some outstanding training in problem solving. I wasn’t trained to be a mechanic, but I was trained to look for the change.
As a social worker, I took some of this basic problem-solving training and applied it to people’s problems. Often people don’t know what the problem is. They know what the symptoms are, but they can’t identify the underlying causes. Naturally they are not adept at solving problems, nor do they understand when to try harder and when to give up.
My sons were all toddlers when their ball rolled behind the sofa. Rick was the oldest and the strongest, and he tried unsuccessfully to move the sofa. Daniel was the youngest, and he got mad and attacked the sofa. David watched for a while, and then he crawled to the other end of the sofa where he could reach the ball. David had an innate problem-solving skill. It is a skill that contributes greatly to his resilience.
I have a friend who is bright, well educated, and determined. She can identify the problem and appropriate solutions, and she will apply all her determination toward correcting the situation. Unfortunately, she never seems to know when to quit. Reasonable effort is not a concept that she understands. Consequently she spends considerable effort trying to fix something best left to others.
So, what are attainable problem-solving skills, and what is reasonable perseverance? The first strategy is to identify the real problem, not just the symptoms. Your trustworthy young son has without warning begun to steal money and small items from the family home. Is his larcenous behavior the problem or is something else going on? He may be doing drugs or a pastime equally dangerous. Instead of just reacting to the stealing, it is vital to get to the real issue. Then you can attack the problem with precisely the ammunition needed.
What I learned in the cake-mix factory was that the key to fixing a problem is identifying the change. If your car has operated efficiently for three years and it is stalling out now, what is the change? Sometimes to your sorrow, a day-one deviation produces a lemon. The guy on the production line made a Friday afternoon mistake, and the car has never performed at optimum efficiency. Either way, you have to trace the problem to its source.
I had a client who had been a good driver for more than a decade when she was involved in a terrible automobile accident. She recovered and went back to normal activities except for her ability to make timely decisions. Her work was suffering as well as her personal relationships. When she began looking for the change that had contributed to her indecisiveness, she realized that it led back to the accident, and she was at last able to begin to deal with it.
So you have identified the problem and the change. What now? Look for your options. The most difficult element in this process is the ability to suspend judgment as to the efficacy of each option. Wait. The more options you can identify, the more chances you have to find a fix.
I have been at many meetings where the leader says that we are going to brainstorm new ideas. There are some people that simply find it impossible to allow the unusual or outrageous idea to sit on the table without denouncing it. Everyone loves to talk about “thinking outside the box,” but few of us are really any good at it.
Not too long ago, I was at a meeting with people from many different disciplines united by their interest in children’s issues. When I suggested that we invite adolescents to sit at the table and participate in the conversation, I was shot down quickly and ruthlessly. One longtime educator said that she had been required to participate previously in meetings that included teenagers, and their “crazy” ideas consumed too much time. This was obviously not a group looking for original ideas or innovative thinking. I’ll grant you, kids don’t always understand the details or recognize the obstacles, but because of that, they often trigger new thinking even when a particular suggestion is not workable. Don’t be afraid to think out of the box.
Don’t be afraid of other people’s opinions and ideas. You are not going to abdicate your responsibility and obligation to select an option and decide on an action, but the more input you have, the more informed can be your decision.
Don’t get hung up on the idea that there is only one right way to fix the problem. I worked with a young woman who had resolved her issues of abuse by running away, and that became her answer to all her problems. What was a good choice for one issue was not the answer to every problem.
I worked with a social worker who was very good at identifying the most efficient solution, and she would focus on that remedy to the exclusion of all other ideas. The problem was that those people who were left with no ownership in the solution did not feel as compelled to see it through to successful implementation. It is sometimes better to go with the less clever solution and engage the participants than insist on the one best solution.
Now do something. If there is anything that I learned working in the cake factory, it was that it is better to do something than to do nothing. When you do nothing, a line is idle, the order is not filled, and profit is not made. When a client remains in a toxic relationship rather than doing something about it, the children are damaged even as the partners are damaged.
Keep trying as long as there is a clear likelihood for success. If you have tried repeatedly to mend a relationship and your friends or family members cling to their grievances, it may be time to say you have done the best you can and now it is their problem.
Not everyone picks up problem-solving skills as quickly as my son David, but everyone can learn to be more proficient at it. Help your children learn how by letting them work through their everyday problems rather than trying to fix every problem for them. If the solution is not the one you would most prefer but it works, let it be. Listen. Be present.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Positive Reframe
The single most valuable ability that has sustained me through adversity is the ability to positively reframe the situation or behavior.
My girlfriends call me the queen of reframe. Give me a little time, and I will find a more positive viewpoint. I am trapped in a traffic jam on the expressway as the authorities work to remove a wreck. First there is a flash of irritation because I will be late getting home. Then I realize I can’t do a thing about it. Finally I turn on my favorite public radio station, sit back, and enjoy the uninterrupted time.
The ability to reframe begins with looking at things from a different perspective. And that is infinitely more difficult than one might imagine. First of all, we are so influenced by what we have previously experienced that it’s a terrible stretch to get past the historical perspective.
When I train foster parents, I try to explain to them the different perspective that foster children bring to their home. Children who have been in the system for a while know that the placement is predicated on their behavior. Consequently, a birth parent may well berate a misbehaving biological child with words like “not while you’re under my roof” or “you’ll follow my rules or you’ll leave.” O
ur birth children know that these threats are, usually, just that: threats. Foster children have experienced repeated placement disruptions for many reasons. They know they can be dismissed pretty easily. I remember a family that brought the teenaged foster child and all her possessions in the customary plastic garbage sacks, deposited her in the state agency’s reception room, and departed. Her offense had to do with sexual activity with a young man of a different race in the parents’ very bed.
Foster children need to hear that messing up will not buy them a pass to their next placement. They need to be threatened with words like, “You can’t act up to get out. You are stuck here.” Sometimes reverse treatment works better. At one residential group home for young men, the teen ran away, was picked up by a policeman, and returned to the home. The staff and other residents had a cake and a party to celebrate his safe return. In the past, every time he had gotten into trouble, he ran away and was then moved to a new placement. This time he got an entirely different perspective. He stayed after that and worked through his problems.
Learn to examine the historical perspective. Sometimes, that old perspective is very positive. Certainly, we all have had experience with the person who succeeds in the face of great obstacles. When asked how they did this, they will tell you that they did something like it before so they knew they could do it again. I read about an entrepreneur who suffered a business failure and subsequent bankruptcy. He went right back to work, saved, begged, and borrowed capital to begin over. He had built a business once, and he knew he could do it again.
The historical perspective is very powerful for good or not. Don’t let the negative experience so influence you that you don’t try. Capitalize on the experiences that empower you. Be deliberate, and examine the past. Too many people allow early experience to define them, to influence their performance without ever really looking at it.
How we see ourselves influences our ability to examine the situation from a different perspective and subsequently positively reframe. I worked with a young woman suffering from anorexia. She saw herself as a fat person. She spent her whole life trying to control the fat even after she was in physical distress due to her low body weight. She went into a residential program and learned to manage her fears, but she still sees herself as fat. She has never been able to alter her view of herself, even though she adheres to a plan that allows her to survive.
My mother Sally, my mom Doris, my teachers, and some early academic successes convinced me that I was a smart girl. I always approached the situation from that perspective. It meant that I could figure things out, and so I did. When I worked at the cake-mix plant, I was assigned to implement the training program for a new packaging line. Training the line crew was my assignment, but there were, initially, mechanical problems. One of them had to do with cleaning and sanitizing the line between product flavors. The only other plant using this particular equipment routinely pulled the line equipment apart to clean it. This was costly downtime and difficult work. I suggested a way to clean the system without tearing it down, a team investigated the option, tests were run, and the plan was successfully implemented. I wasn’t an engineer, but, from my perspective, I was as smart as any of the other people on that team. I wasn’t afraid to look at a situation from another perspective because in my view, I was capable of solving a problem.
Our ability to positively reframe is impacted greatly by how we view ourselves.
Our ability to positively reframe is also influenced by our physical and emotional health. It is certainly much more difficult to find a different perspective when we are in great pain or emotional distress. Pain can significantly cloud our judgment. One of the best examples of someone who was able to positively reframe his situation under the most adverse circumstances was a prisoner of war in Vietnam. He was imprisoned for years. In later years, after obtaining his freedom, he wrote that those years had been a powerful influence in making him the strong man that he became. He said that every day in that awful place he told himself that he was growing in power and vitality. He turned his prison into a training camp instead of a concentration camp. Despite physical hardship and emotional suffering, he successfully reframed his situation and his response to it. He was more powerful than his tormentors could ever understand.
We have observed John Walsh, the father whose child died a violent death at the hands of a dangerous criminal. He has made his entire life an example of positive reframe. His child’s death is the pivotal point in a campaign to save the lives of other children. His TV program, “America’s Most Wanted,” has saved lives and prevented tragedies. He couldn’t change the situation, but he could change his behavior.
There are two strategies for positive reframe. You can manipulate the situation. If you have lemons, make lemonade. Or you can change your behavior. If the fish are simply not biting, you use the fishing line to fly a kite.
Through the years, I have taught many classes on the art of positive reframe. I have enjoyed the responses that I get when I ask for examples of positive reframe. Some of them follow:
an ugly girl: she’s not a bit like that phony Barbie doll
grounded for a teenage infraction: the opportunity to reconnect with my dog
school uniforms: more clothes for dating
wrecked dad’s car: a chance to wear my cute bike shorts
lost job: the perfect time to attend bartenders’ school
spilled bleach on favorite shirt: learned to tie-dye
teenage parents: young empty nesters
early male pattern baldness: save on shampoo
early male pattern baldness: save on haircuts
early male pattern baldness: eliminate bad hair days
People have fun looking for positive reframes to less-than-positive scenarios. They also increase their ability to positively reframe. The more you do it, the better you get at it. You have to practice.
You have to listen to your words. Negative words inhibit the ability to positively reframe. I led a workshop for a group of office workers. At the conclusion of the class, they decided to avoid negative descriptors for a week. They set up a “negativity” jar. Anyone who used a negative descriptor about another person or situation would be fined one dollar, and it would go into the jar. After two days, there were a lot of long pauses in conversations, sentences were begun but quickly aborted, and no money went into the jar. On the afternoon of the third day, the young salesman entered the office, slammed a dollar bill on the table, and said that it was worth the money to describe his unpleasant client of that morning. I will concede that the positive reframe is, on occasion, beyond the scope of the situation, but more often it is a successful strategy.
So we see that the types of words we use contribute greatly to our ability to positively reframe. We also need to listen to our bodies. When you utter a pronouncement and your stomach knots up, it is time to examine what you just said. When the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, you need to find out what is going on. Our bodies will often cue us in to that which is noxious. If your words or actions are harmful to yourself or others, it is time to weigh their value and your true intent.
My oldest son is a warrior. He is a champion of the underdog, and of truth and justice, but he sometimes has trouble figuring out what his underlying goal is. He will attack his adversary with his plethora of facts, his keen wit and satire, and his unrelenting self-righteousness. It is not a useful way of effecting change. His adrenalin is pumping, and his body is in crisis mode. If he would listen to his body signals, he would recognize that his words are not persuasive, they are, instead, weapons, and people defend against weapons. Listen to your body.
If you want to overcome adversity, the ability to positively reframe is a powerful tool. If you want to get better at it, start and then practice, practice, practice.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Prescription for Personal Resilience
I have told you the story of who I am and where I am and how I got here. I told you becaus
e I thought it might help someone see how she could be successful in spite of adversity. I hoped that someone helping a young person could use it as an example of personal resilience.
I have tried to delineate some of the strategies for building resilience. They have been successful for me and for others with whom I have worked:
A sense of personal competence
Consistent emotional support from one or more caring adults
A sense of playfulness
A spiritual connection to something greater
A capacity for learning and creative expression
A willingness to work on problems with reasonable perseverance
The ability to positively reframe
I believe these strategies are the icons on the screen of our lives. They help us access the program or page that will supply the data for making a good decision. I find it useful to periodically revisit my display of strategies. You may identify additional strategies that are pertinent to you. These are the everyday things we can use to overcome adversity.
The most powerful theoretical construct to impact my life was Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy as developed by Dr. Albert Ellis. My aunt worked for his institute when I was a young woman, and that is how I first became acquainted with his work. His advice is logical, practical, and doable. His words are as meaningful today as they were when I first encountered them thirty-five years ago. Find his works, and study them. They will contribute to building your capacity for resiliency.
Acknowledge your accomplishments and those of others. Recognize all the ways that have demonstrated resilience in the past. Even if you, or someone you care about or someone you are working with, is in the midst of crisis, don’t get stalled there. Look back on the successes and ask, “What worked before?” and “How will what worked before help me overcome my current dilemma?”
Girl Called Karen Page 9
