Reluctantly, I sit back down, shuffle the chair further towards the table, and fold my arms. I remain silent.
Defiant.
Dr Seaward leans close to DI Wood’s ear, whispers something else, and I see his eyes are watching her warily. She glances at him and, after a beat, gives a sharp nod of her head.
She looks at me but doesn’t speak.
‘I need to ask you some questions,’ Dr Seaward is saying to me now. ‘I want you to be truthful.’ I go to speak but he raises his hand to indicate he’s not finished. ‘Where did you take your daughter, Charlotte?’
I look at him hard. Is he crazy? ‘What are you talking about?’ I say. ‘I haven’t taken Elle anywhere.’
I hate the way he speaks my name, as if it’s not really mine, as if I’m not real.
He holds my stare. ‘Did you bury her, Charlotte?’
I freeze at those words. I feel tears pricking at my eyes.
‘Did I . . . bury her?’ I shake my head. ‘What is this?’ I say, looking to DI Wood. She remains stony-faced and it’s like I don’t know who she is any more.
‘Did you bury her, Charlotte?’ Seaward again.
Are they really crazy? I feel like I’m going to just lose it. I want to scream at them.
‘I haven’t touched her,’ I say.
‘That’s not what you said yesterday.’
Seaward’s words stop me there – steal away my breath so my chest aches with a crushing weight.
He sees the confusion on my face and takes a deep breath before he speaks again.
‘Yesterday you told me things about Elle, about all of them.’
‘That’s not possible. I don’t know anything about them—’
‘Charlotte, you—’
‘And I would have remembered the conversation.’
Seaward regards me with eyes that scare me. I can see him mulling over my words in his head, weighing them up. It feels like a full minute has passed before he speaks again.
‘You told me that you get headaches.’
‘I never told you that.’
‘You do get headaches, yes?’
I sigh heavily. ‘Yes. Due to my accident.’
Diazepam. I remember Iain’s prescription.
‘Diazepam,’ I say. ‘Iain’s got them for himself but I think he might have been drugging me. Headaches can be a side effect. It would explain a lot of things.’
‘Hmmm.’ He writes something down on his pad. I lean forward, try to see, but he moves the pad closer to him. ‘Any times you just black out?’
‘Yesterday, at the police station.’
‘You mean two days ago?’
Yesterday. Two days ago. I don’t even know what day it is right now. ‘If you say so.’
He throws DI Wood a look.
‘Do you experience any breaks in time that you can’t explain?’
I do stop to think now and suddenly it’s as if someone has turned a tap on, releasing drops of water, bit by bit, until a steady stream begins to trickle out.
Slowly pictures of before emerge through the fog in my head.
I see an argument with Elle about going shopping in MK. I can see a conversation we had right before she broke down in tears and stormed off to her room, but why am I only remembering it this way now?
I was rude to her, called her names.
That image fades and now I see myself at the police station reporting Ruby Tate for throwing pig’s blood over me.
I can’t hear what’s being said, but I see Iain, Elle and DI Wood giving me odd looks. The image of this memory is faded black at the sides, as if I’m looking through a tunnel, way down deep, and I can only hear muffled voices.
Until now I have no memory of this happening either, not like this anyway.
Am I dreaming?
I look at the doctor.
‘Are there any breaks in time you can’t explain?’ he says again. ‘This is quite important.’
I get a flash of memory of the fete. I’m slipping a square, box-shaped present on the kitchen table. It’s wrapped in black paper.
I jolt in my seat. That was me?
Now I see that I went into my bedroom afterwards, but this is not how I remembered it originally. I see that I stood and looked out of the window at everyone on the green before Iain came to find me.
‘Charlotte?’
My attention comes back to Dr Seaward.
I shake my head, because I really don’t understand these images I’m seeing in my head for the first time. I don’t know where this is all going.
Seaward continues to talk.
‘Do you wake up elsewhere, unsure where the time has gone?’
‘You mean like missing hours?’
He looks hopeful.
I need to be brave.
‘I have had some breaks in time,’ I confess and the smile on his face is bright. I can almost feel the warmth of it on my skin.
‘Can you explain these breaks in time to me?’ he says.
I close my eyes, try to put something coherent together that makes sense to me, for my sake, rather than for anyone else’s.
‘I’m forgetful sometimes. People remember conversations we’ve had differently . . . I’ve been late for work a few times without knowing how the time has run away with me.’
‘Harry sacked you,’ DI Wood says now.
I look at her. ‘That I do remember . . . or at least partially. It’s hazy.’
I rub at my eyes, tiredness taking its toll.
I see an image in my mind now and hope to God it isn’t real. It’s like I’m looking down at my hands, body going through the motions, but it doesn’t feel like it’s really . . . me. I’m taking Iain’s Diazepam, popping the tablets from the blister pack and either swallowing them or dissolving them in a glass of water.
I try to shake that image from my head.
I blink hard. This is just my imagination playing tricks on me.
Iain gave me those pills . . . he must have. Surely?
‘I . . . I’ve been under a lot of stress lately,’ I say. ‘I was assaulted by Ruby Tate, I’ve had to contend with the impending trial, and keeping Elle . . . safe.’ I feel a tear roll down my cheek at the mention of Elle’s name. ‘I found Bryony Keats’s body . . .’
I look at DI Wood.
Surely she can see that all this might account for why I’ve been all over the place? Surely?
‘Why don’t we talk about Ruby Tate, since you mention her?’ DI Wood says.
‘DI Wood,’ Seaward cuts in. ‘If you’d like to give me some time alone with Charlotte, we can make progress.’
DI Wood ignores him. Her eyes remain solely focused on me.
‘Ruby Tate, Charlotte? Did she get too close?’
‘DI Wood,’ Seaward says. ‘I must insist you leave and observe quietly from the other room.’
DI Wood won’t engage with him and it terrifies me.
What is it she thinks I’ve done?
My eyes dart between the two of them and I can feel my heart slamming in my chest.
DI Wood leans closer to me. ‘Did Ruby find out something she shouldn’t have done?’
‘What? I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I say, and I can hear the panic in my voice.
‘What about Jade Reid?’ DI Wood says to me. ‘Did Ruby find out what you did to Jade Reid?’
‘Look at me, Charlotte,’ Seaward is saying to me now, trying to draw my attention back to him and away from DI Wood. ‘What can you remember from before your accident?’
‘We found her,’ DI Wood says, voice rising over the doctor’s. ‘We found Jade in the van you rented. We were too late for her.’
I bury my head in my hands. This is too much.
‘Charlotte, this is very important, and it will help you to understand and admit to what you’ve done.’
I round on Seaward, head snapping up from my hands. ‘Admit to what?’
‘Charlotte—’
‘I haven’t done anythi
ng! Look, I don’t know what Iain has told you, but you can’t seriously—’
‘I’m going to have to ask you to calm down, Charlotte.’
‘Stop saying my name like that!’
He pauses a beat. ‘Like what?’
I’m so furious, all I can do is gawp at him.
‘How shall I say it?’
He’s doing this on purpose.
‘Shall I call you something else?’
I look at DI Wood again. ‘I want to leave. You can’t keep me here. I’ve done nothing wrong.’
‘What about Joe?’
I stop then, eyes swivelling to stare at Seaward. He smiles now he has my attention again.
‘Or maybe you’d prefer Joseph? Joe can seem a bit informal when I don’t know him that well.’
I feel my chest tighten but don’t know why. There is something in that name, but I can’t explain its relevance.
I lick my cracked lips. ‘Why would you call me Joseph?’
DI Wood sits up in her seat now, not missing a thing.
‘For the last two days, I’ve been talking to Joseph,’ Seaward says.
I shake my head. ‘I don’t know any Joseph.’
‘I think you do.’
Scratch, scratch . . .
A pain in my head begins to build. A pressure I’ve got used to but learned to tune out. From the accident. It must be from the accident.
From the ashes I came back . . .
‘Who is Joseph and why is he relevant to me, to this?’ I try to speak in a steady voice, but it’s shaky when it escapes my lips.
I’ve always been here, Charlotte . . .
What is that?!
I grip my head with my hands, fingers digging in. The headache is fierce, unabating.
‘I need to lie down,’ I say.
‘Can I speak to Joseph now, please, Charlotte?’
I stare at the doctor. ‘I told you, I don’t know a Joseph.’
Seaward puts his pen down and clasps his hands together, resting on the pad. ‘I’ve been speaking to Joseph for the last two days.’
I look at him, my eyes silently questioning. Right now I couldn’t speak even if I wanted to. The part of me that needs to remain in control is giving up the fight. Something else is slipping in, emerging from the shadows.
I’ll speak to the doctor, Charlotte . . .
An image from my past begins to surface. It’s playing like an old celluloid movie.
I see a boy. I see his sweet face. I smell chlorine and feel the sun’s rays on my young skin. I am a girl.
I am eight years old.
I hear someone humming a song, then singing.
Ring-a-ring o’ roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down . . .
I can let you remember if you want, Charlotte. Just say the word.
There’s that voice in my head again. I start to cry. I can’t stop the tears.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ It’s my voice, yet it seems far away.
‘Let me speak to Joseph,’ Dr Seaward says.
I’m scared. I don’t understand. Who is Joseph? Why can’t I see him?
‘Charlotte, let me help you.’
‘She’s playing us, playing a game,’ DI Wood is saying to Dr Seaward.
I’m shaking my head.
Scratch, scratch . . .
I feel like something is clawing away at my insides, something burrowing inside my head. It all becomes too much for me and I snap.
‘I want my daughter!’
DI Wood is on her feet within seconds. Dr Seaward is on his feet now too, body bent forward, his eyes willing me to focus solely on him. He puts his arm out when DI Wood tries to speak.
‘Charlotte, you know I can’t do that. I can’t bring Elle here and you know why. Deep in here,’ he says, gesturing to my head, ‘you know that’s true. I’m here to help you, Charlotte.’
Don’t believe a word . . .
I whip around on the spot, my eyes wide. I swear someone spoke to me. I heard their voice in my ear.
I face the doctor once more. ‘Am I going mad?’ His face is grave. ‘Whose voice is this inside my head?’ I scream. He goes to speak, but I stop him before he gets a chance. ‘I want my daughter. I want Elle!’
DI Wood has lost patience. I can tell because she’s now beside me, eyes wide, and she’s angry.
With me.
All this hatred of me and I don’t know why.
‘Elle’s not here,’ she says. ‘You need to accept that. Accept what happened. What you’ve done to Elle. To all of them.’
‘Charlotte, you focus on me, on my voice,’ the doctor says.
I search his face for answers but find none.
Something tells me those answers are inside me.
Finally. Clever Charlotte . . .
‘There it is again! That voice,’ I say and the doctor smiles at me.
‘Let him come through. Let him speak to me.’
Everything that makes me who I am starts to crumble, a wall coming down, and my world, everything I’ve ever known, fades to nothing.
CHAPTER 65
JOSEPH
And I’m in. I’m back. I’m here.
Mr Anonymous can finally reveal a name.
‘Hello again, Doc.’
I can tell by his face that he’s surprised it took me this long to make an appearance. Up until this morning, I’d been at the forefront, spilling a few of my secrets. No point in hiding them now, though, not now I know there’s no way out of this. I might as well enjoy the notoriety that’s coming our way, Charlotte and I.
I let Charlotte wake up today and regain some modicum of control. She’s been in the dark for the last two days, ever since I pushed her back inside that box in her head. The scene she was causing at the police station – I shudder at the thought of it.
I had to take control.
I think I filled her with too many of Iain’s pills. Still, it made her more manageable.
I look at Mads – that’s DI Wood by the way – she’s a sceptic, she’s made that clear. I’ve missed her, though.
‘Hello, Mads,’ I say and enjoy the look of contempt she gives me, making no attempt to hide it.
‘DI Wood works just fine, Charlotte.’
I give her a little smile. ‘Charlotte’s not here right now.’
‘That’s funny,’ she says, leaning closer over the table between us. ‘You look like Charlotte to me. Sound like her too.’
I glance down at the feminine hands in my lap and raise my eyes to meet hers. ‘Charlotte in body. Not mind.’
Doc gives Mads a look as if to calm her, then returns his attention to me.
‘Hello, Joseph.’
‘Doc,’ I say, and tip my head.
‘Where have you been all morning?’
‘I guess you could say I took a backseat for a bit.’
DI Wood crosses her legs, giving a little sigh as she does so. She thinks this is a game. I guess in a way it is, only it’s not going to play out in the way that she thinks.
‘You let Charlotte come back,’ Doc says.
‘She’d been kept in the dark long enough, I think.’
Doc jots something down on his pad. ‘That was brave of you, letting her back in. Back in control. You gave her the light. You allowed her to say anything, do anything.’
I smile. ‘I’m always listening. I can cut in at any time.’
Doc gives me a curious look. He’s trying to be my best friend right now. It’s all part of this process to prise the information they so desperately need out of me. I can’t decide if I’m going to play ball or not.
Then Mads speaks.
‘We were talking about Ruby, Jade,’ she says. ‘All the others.’ She pauses now.
Look at her, trying to stare me out.
‘Elle?’ she says. ‘Is she dead?’
‘Whoa, slow down,’ I say. ‘One question at a time.’ I wink a
t her. ‘If we start with Ruby, we need to go back to why Jade?’
Ah, that’s got her hooked.
‘I’ll admit,’ I say, and lean back in the chair, ‘I was stupid. It was that fucking Pandora skull charm that did it. All Jade had to do was ignore it, move on, forget what she saw, but no . . . she had to be a smartarse, didn’t she?’
Mads frowns. I wonder if she realises it makes her look her age and then some? Frowning gives you wrinkles, darling.
‘Jade Reid was friends – very good friends – with Melissa Scott. I’d forgotten that. I took Melissa’s skull charm after I killed her. Elle’s birthday was coming up, so I decided I’d give it to her as a present. I didn’t tell anyone else. I told Elle that the mystery present in the black wrapping was from me, but I told her to keep it a secret because it was expensive and her father would be cross. But that morning Jade saw it at the breakfast table . . . I’d zoned Charlotte out, and good job, ’cos I heard Jade ask Elle who’d given it to her, so I had to shut that shit down.’
Mads is hanging on my every word here, but I can see she’s reluctant to take anything at face value.
She still sees Charlotte here right now.
‘You left her in that van,’ she says now. ‘You left her to rot.’
‘Yeah,’ I laugh. ‘I reckon she stank quite a bit, yes? Stays with you for quite some time that smell.’
She doesn’t see the humour in this.
‘If you think that was bad, blame Ruby Tate. Had she not been following who she thought was Charlotte and seen what she did, she might still be with us and Jade might not have bled out alone in the boot of the van.’
I remember another point.
‘Oh, I hope the man I rented the garage from wasn’t too traumatised. It was him who found her, I assume?’
Mads’ silence tells me all I need to know.
‘Well,’ I say, ‘he did say it was none of his business what I kept in there. I took him at his word. Literally. And about that van, fake plates ’n’ all?’ I tip my head to one side as if it should be perfectly obvious. ‘Gumtree – eBay’s lesser-known rival. Local seller, cash in hand . . . Stick it on Gumtree,’ I say, mimicking that nauseating advert.
I look at Dr Seaward for a moment, because he’s been rather silent. He’s busy scribbling all this shit down.
‘Iain thought Elle had been stealing money, but . . .’ I shake my head. ‘No . . . I needed money for renting the garage . . . and tarp, cleaning products, petrol. New clothes when the others got ruined . . .’ I smile at Mads.
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