Lost Without You

by Heather Thurmeier

  He pulled her against his body and cradled her face in both hands. “You drive me crazy in every single sense of the word and I can’t take it anymore.”

  He pressed his lips to hers urgently, his need for her breaking through his usually calm and controlled demeanor. She opened her mouth against his with a lustful sigh, accepting his tongue and exploring with her own.

  Her head swirled with his kisses. Fighting to hold onto reality, she pressed her hands against his bare chest, needing to feel something tangible. All those nights she’d woken from dreams of Chip, covered in sweat and shaking with a need she thought she’d never fulfill, came rushing back to her. She clung to him. Clung to the moment she might only ever get to live through once, because at least out here, right now, her scars were hidden by the darkness.

  All the feelings she’d been trying to ignore crashed to the surface and she gave herself over to his kiss. She gave herself willingly to him.

  His mouth left hers, trailing kisses along her jaw to her ear then down her neck. For the first time ever, she didn’t stiffen at someone’s touch. He couldn’t see her scars even though all her makeup would have washed off by now. And he probably couldn’t really feel them either with the other overwhelming sensations surrounding them.

  Finally for once, she was free to give into the moment with Chip without reservation that he’d figure out her secret and bolt from her horrified at what he’d see. Because he couldn’t really see her in the dark, he just thought he could. And the feeling of his lips on her skin was simply too good to stop him.

  She didn’t want him to stop. She needed this moment.

  No. She just needed him.

  “Zoe, I want you. I need you. Be with me tonight.” It was a request she wasn’t going to deny.

  “Yes,” she said simply, running her hands down his chest and wrapping them around his waist. She dropped her hands lower, feeling the swell of his desire for her. Gripping him, the water made him slick, his skin feeling like silk in her palm.

  Chip groaned and rested his forehead against her shoulder for a moment, his breath coming out in heavy gasps. “I’ve imagined what it would feel like to have your hands on me, but real life is so much better. I’ve been trying so hard to resist you and now, here you are, stroking me. I think I might die.”

  “Then what are you waiting for?” She ran her hands back up his chest and wrapped them around his shoulders, forcing him to pick up his head and look at her again. His gaze was intense. Needy. She wouldn’t pull away from him tonight.

  He claimed her mouth again, his intensity almost overwhelming. Her knees went weak and she pressed against him, stabilizing herself. He snaked his hand between their bodies and caressed her breast. She arched her back, pushing her breast into his hand as his thumb flickered across the tight peak.

  Chip pulled away from her, his gaze raking down her body leaving her shivering. His face scrunched up, looking annoyed. “I need to get you out of this water.” Without awaiting her reply, he scooped her into his arms, his hands clasping her rear. She hooked her arms and legs around him and nibbled on his neck as he carried her out of the waterfall.

  He kicked at her towel in an attempt to spread it out then grumbled and cursed and laid her down on her back. The ground was cool beneath her, but Chip’s body heat instantly warmed her.

  “Stupid towel,” he mumbled, kissing a path from her throat to her breast. He sucked her beaded nipple into his mouth, swiping his tongue across it. His mouth felt as hot as fire against her chilled skin. Heat pooled low in her belly and she squirmed under him.

  Next he found her center. He touched her in ways she couldn’t remember being touched before. Every moment was a tantalizing mix of hot and cold sensations.

  “Chip, please,” she cried out when she thought she couldn’t take anymore of his touch. She needed him. All of him. Every last incredible inch of him.

  He rolled off of her and scrounged in his pants for something. After a moment and distinct, “Hell, yeah!” he was back, condom in hand. “I was worried I didn’t have one. Thank God my ridiculous need to carry my wallet at all times has finally come in handy for once.”

  She smiled at his happiness even though she knew they could have done it safely without any protection. There was no risk of her getting pregnant at least, just another of her many imperfections, but she supposed there was always the risk for disease. So it was a good thing that Chip was smart and responsible and not thinking with his penis alone because apparently she couldn’t say the same for her rational thought.

  He rolled the condom on and positioned himself above her. Zoe moaned as he slid into her heat, his body still chilled from the water. The effect of the two temperatures was mind-blowing. She rocked her hips in time with his thrusts, her legs wrapping around his waist, anchoring him to her.

  Chip kissed her again, but this time she didn’t just feel lust and desire. She felt something else, deeper, stronger, more passionate. Zoe kissed him back, putting everything she had into this one perfect moment with him.

  As she felt herself begin to crest, she clung to him, raking her fingers down his back. His muscles flexing and stretching beneath her fingertips took her over the edge. He was just so beautiful. So perfect.

  Her body clenched around his as he called out his release then stilled. His breathing was as ragged as hers when he collapsed down onto the ground beside her. He pulled her into his arms, spooning her while they caught their breath. His came out in soft puffs against her shoulder and she closed her eyes, savoring the intimacy while sheltered by the dark.

  She rolled over in his arms and stared at him. His eyes were closed and his chest still heaved, taking in breaths. God, this man was gorgeous. He had strong, chiseled cheekbones and jaw, soft lips, a straight nose, and the most perfectly arched brows. Of course, those were probably perfected in a salon rather than by nature, but she didn’t care.

  He was stunning. And when he touched her cheek and opened his eyes to peer at her, she saw so much goodness in his gaze. He didn’t look at her like she was a beauty queen or a prize to win as some had, nor did he look at her as if she were a monster as she was also familiar with. He looked at her as if he saw the real her — the Zoe she felt like on the inside, even if that person didn’t shine through on the outside.

  She took in a shaky breath, overcome with the feeling that this was as good as it was ever going to get for her. No one had ever made her feel like this. She didn’t feel as if she had simply satisfied a need like she usually did when she was intimate with someone. This was different.

  And it was a little terrifying.

  She’d never felt so vulnerable in a man’s arms as she did with Chip. She’d never wanted to give herself so completely to someone as she wanted to give herself to him, right now. Every time she was with him, actually. If only she could.

  But she knew better.

  She couldn’t stay here in this moment with him. She couldn’t give herself to him fully because doing so would mean sharing everything about her life with him. She couldn’t do that. She’d worked too hard to make her life as perfect as it could be and telling Chip her history would ruin everything.

  No one but her family knew the truth and she had to keep it that way or everything she’d worked for — everything she’d suffered for — would be for nothing.

  If she told him the truth, she’d lose him.

  Zoe propped herself on one elbow and ran her fingers across Chip’s jaw. His skin was scratchy from needing a shave, but she liked the rough feel of it. It was a good reminder that not everything would go as smoothly for them as she wanted it to. She still had a rough side that he’d never understand.

  Zoe pressed her lips to his and he opened his mouth, responding to her. She put everything she had into that kiss. Every emotion she wanted to share with him … every ounce of wishing and wanting. Wh
en she finally got to the longing of wanting to be with him forever and knowing she never would, she forced herself to pull away. He smiled at her with a twinkle of desire stirring in his eyes that told her he was ready and willing to go again.

  She bit back tears, knowing being with him again would destroy her.

  “I have to go,” she whispered. She slipped into her clothes faster than she thought possible and bolted for the cover of the forest, leaving Chip behind, calling after her.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chip trudged back to camp as quickly as he could, but Zoe was faster. By the time he reached her tent, it was dark and quiet. He worried for a moment that maybe she hadn’t actually found her way back to camp in the dark. Fear rose in his throat at the thought of her out there, alone.

  A sniffle and a tiny crinkle of tissue came from inside her tent. Chip let out the breath he’d been holding, sagging with relief. Whatever had happened at the waterfall to make her flee didn’t matter, as long as she was safe now.

  “Zoe, I know you’re in there and I’m coming in,” he said loudly enough for her to hear him, but hopefully not so loud the other nearby tents could eavesdrop.

  “Don’t,” she said as he slid through the tent opening and zipped it up behind him again. “Or completely ignore me.”

  “Yes, I choose that option.” Chip sat on the ground beside her makeshift bed and pulled her blanket down to her chin. “What happened back there?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Too bad. You can’t sleep with me, which was fucking amazing, I’ll add, and then disappear like something bad happened.”

  She wiped at her eyes with the tissue again. The light was too dark in the tent to see how upset she was, but the sniffling was pretty obvious. Had she been crying since leaving the waterfall?

  “I just can’t be with you again, Chip. It’ll never work out between us. I shouldn’t have been with you tonight, although you’re right, it was amazing.” She took a shaky breath. “But that makes this even harder.”

  “You’re not making any sense, Zoe. You want to be with me or you don’t want to be with me, which is it?”

  “I can’t be with you,” she whispered.

  He leaned forward, hovering over her, desperate to understand. What he wouldn’t give to go back a half an hour ago to when he was in a similar position with her but when everything still made sense.

  “Did I do something to hurt you?” he asked. His chest burned with the possibility. He’d never forgive himself if he had.

  “No,” she said, her voice stronger. “It’s just … me. I’m not meant to be with you. And contrary to what the tabloids would have people believe, I’m not into flings. I shouldn’t have been with you tonight knowing I couldn’t be with you ever again.”

  “I think I should get some say in who I’m with and I want to be with you. I’ve wanted you since … longer than I care to admit. Whatever’s going on, we’ll work it out. Talk to me.”

  “I can’t. You won’t understand. You think you want me and that you know who I am, but you don’t. You don’t know anything about me and … and I want to keep it that way. I can’t be the kind of girl you usually date. I can’t be some trophy girlfriend. Please just leave.”

  He shook his head. “Trophy girlfriend? What the hell are you talking about?”

  “I’ve seen pictures of the girls you usually date in those tabloid magazines and I know you think I’m like them but I’m not. I’m not at all who you think I am.”

  He laughed, annoyed. “You keep telling me I don’t know who you really are, but you’re wrong. I probably know a hell of a lot more than you think. I research my contestants. And I didn’t see anything in your file that made me not want to be with you. But this attitude you’re throwing at me about trophy girlfriends is just about insulting enough to make me walk away right now. I do care more about the women I date than if they look pretty on my arm. Give me a little credit.”

  “I’m never going to be the woman on your arm, so let’s end this now. I’m sorry if I led you on, but I don’t want to be with you again, now or ever. Please go.”

  Zoe rolled onto her side, facing away from him. He knew he wasn’t going to get anywhere talking to her tonight but it still took a few minutes to pull himself up from the ground and out of her tent.

  She didn’t make sense.

  She wasn’t telling him something. All that stuff about a trophy girlfriend was weird and out of left field. Did she really think that’s what he wanted? Did she really think she didn’t classify as a trophy girlfriend if that is what he’d been looking for? She was beautiful, well-spoken, and smart. Any man would feel like he’d won a prize to have her on his arm.

  No way was he going to let her be with anyone else but him. Not after tonight. Zoe was the only woman he wanted to be with. Now he needed to figure out a way to make her realize she felt the same way.

  • • •

  Zoe stood on the edge of the pool beneath the waterfall, facing the contestants who’d lined up in their teams in front of her. It was time for the elimination challenge to start and she was about to read her cue cards, but the only thing she could focus on was that everyone stood where she and Chip had fooled around together. If she looked carefully, which she hadn’t been able to resist doing, she could almost make out butt prints still formed in the mud. Thank God the contestants were now marking the area with their footprints so she wouldn’t have the constant reminder of her time with Chip much longer.

  Her gaze travelled to Chip. The expression on his face said he was reliving their night together too. The thought sent an unwelcome shot of heat through her body. Being with Chip had been more than amazing. It had been everything she’d never thought she’d get the chance to have.

  After Chip confronted her in her tent, she’d lain awake in bed thinking. Maybe Chip had been telling her the truth about not caring about having a trophy girlfriend on his arm. She’d been so convinced someone as perfect and gorgeous as Chip wouldn’t want to be with anyone less. And while she tried her best to look as perfect as possible on the outside, there was no amount of makeup that could cover everything.

  But maybe Chip really wouldn’t care that she was flawed. Maybe the tabloids had portrayed him in a way that wasn’t a hundred percent true like they had her. If that were the case, maybe they could have some kind of relationship. Possibly, she’d overacted in the moment and panicked when she’d felt so close and comfortable with Chip after being intimate with him.

  Of course, she still couldn’t tell him everything. But it was possible she could give him the quick version to explain the scars.

  He met her gaze and the corner of his mouth pulled up into a tiny lopsided smile.

  She rubbed the pendants on her necklace in her fingers, the smooth sensation calming her instantly. Maybe she didn’t have to worry about the past so much. Could she focus on the future for a change and forget about everything else?

  Chip signaled that it was time to get started. Zoe turned her attention to the cue cards and started reading. “Welcome back to Wild Expedition, the show that puts your survival to the test. Today I’m afraid another team will leave us and return home. Let’s find out what your challenge is.”

  The cards flipped and she continued reading. “Behind me is the beautiful waterfall and pool where we had our reward challenge earlier this week. Today you’ll be facing it again, only this time you won’t be high in the air. Instead, you’ll be diving deep to retrieve bags of puzzle pieces from the bottom. Each team member will be required to grab a bag of puzzle pieces, so I hope you all know how to swim.”

  Zoe paused for a moment, glancing around at the contestants, while she swallowed her own fear. If she’d been competing today, she’d have had to forfeit the challenge. No way could she dive into the lake on camera. Most looked nervous but excit
ed and ready to take on the new challenge. Rick looked pissed off and on the verge of getting sick.

  “Each team member will dive and retrieve a bag of puzzle pieces before the next can go. Once all bags have been collected, teams can dump out their pieces and solve the puzzle. The last team to correctly solve their puzzle will be eliminated from the game. Are you ready to get started?”

  The teams cheered and stripped down to their swimsuits then lined up on the water’s edge in team clusters. At Zoe’s signal, the first members of each team ran into the water and dived beneath the surface. A few seconds later, heads popped up to take a breath before diving back down again. Moments later, the rowing team member swam back to shore with his first bag and the next in his team ran into the water.

  Zoe eyed Alex, the third of the rowing team members who would dive for a bag. A huge smile played on this face, the biggest she’d seen this whole game.

  Rick’s team was the second back with their first bag thanks to Todd. Pam was next in line to go for their teams so she tagged Todd’s hand and sprinted into the water. Rick still wore an expression of discomfort.

  The team of doctors made quick work of the bags, retrieving the first two quickly to tie up with the rowing team while the team of dating — and newly engaged — couples struggled in last place. They barely made it back to shore with their first bag when the rowing team had brought back their third.

  The pace of the challenge was furious as all teams tried to dive and swim as quickly as they could. The rowing team made it to shore with their last bag as Rick was heading out for his team’s final bag. She heard him grumble something to himself as he ran into the water, but couldn’t make out what he’d said with all the other commotion around.

  Zoe moved so she could watch the rowing team as they attempted to untie the ropes knotted around their bags. She secretly hoped they’d struggle enough that the other teams could catch up. The sooner Alex was gone, the sooner she could relax a little more. But even as she wished for their failure, they succeeded in dumping out the contents of their bags.