Ever, Sarah

by Hansen, C. E.

  “Yes.”

  We drove for some time, which I thought was rather weird since he was just ten minutes away when I called him. For some strange reason, I thought he lived in the area. Maybe he just happened to be near, or was he lurking around waiting for my call?

  I was looking where we were going, but the compass on the dashboard of Kevin’s car kept changing directions North, West, South and I didn’t recognize any of the street names. I don’t know if he intended to confuse me, but I found it difficult to remember anything I saw during the ride. I don’t know if he drove like this because he thought we might be followed, or he was just being overly cautious. But when we pulled up in front of his very modest, but beautiful home, set in the middle of suburbia, I relaxed. His neighbors were relatively close, not like the Hyde Park home where you could scream at the top of your lungs and no one would hear you.

  “Here we are.” He turned and looked at me. He was calm and totally within his element. “Stay there.”

  He got out and ran around the car to my door, opening it, and assisting me out.

  “Let me get that.” He said as he took my overnight bag from me.

  We walked up to the house and climbed the five steps to the small porch and he put his key in the door and pushed it open. The first thing I saw was the living room. It was quaint and charming. Tastefully decorated with black leather sofa and love seat, and dark wood tables. There was a large dining area directly behind it. I stepped in and took a deep breath. I don’t know if it were due to being relieved or I was hoping for a memory.

  “Here, have a seat. Let me make you a tea. I have your favorite.”

  “Sounds wonderful. I could use a cup right now.”

  Truth be known, I could use a stiff drink now, my nerves were positively shot, but tea would suffice, for now.

  I stood for a moment as he walked towards the back of the house and like an obedient child; I followed behind him and stepped into the most pristine kitchen I’d ever seen. Or at least what I think I’d ever seen. It was all white, bright gleaming white.

  He turned abruptly and I jumped back startled.

  “Damn Sarah. You scared me.”

  “That makes two of us.”

  He continued filing the teapot with water and set it on the stove. The damned thing looked as though it had never been cooked on, and I mean never!

  “May I use your bathroom?”

  “Of course. Please. I want you to feel at home here.” He rushed to my side and pointed down the hall, “last door down.”

  “Thank you.”

  I walked slowly down the hall towards the rear of the house and tried to open the door. It was locked and as much as I toyed with the knob, I was unable to open it. I was about to walk back to the kitchen when I noticed another door, across the hall. I opened that and was relieved to find it was the bathroom.

  Afterwards, I made my way back to the living room where Kevin sat. He handed me a cup.

  “Milk and sugar are right there.”

  “Thank you again. I love Earl Grey.”

  “I thought English Breakfast was your favorite,” he looked at me as if he were studying my response. Without warning, he took the hot cup from my hands and walked back into the kitchen. “No matter, I have the variety Twinning’s, I’m pretty sure Earl Gray is in here.” His tone was brusque.

  “I like them all,” I called out feeling embarrassed. “I’ll drink that one.”

  “No. You need to have your favorite.”

  I didn’t like the way he said the word favorite. Almost like he was coddling me.

  After a few minutes, he brought the new cup of tea to me and sat down. He thankfully kept his distance. I guess he must have noticed I was a bit jumpy and uneasy after the ‘misunderstanding.’

  “Let it draw a little, I just poured it.” He directed.

  I did as he said and once it was dark enough, I added my sugar and milk.

  As I drank my tea, I caught him staring intently at me several times. I attributed the uneasy vibe I got from him to my being skittish. I would look at him and he’d look away quickly, trying to make it seem as though he hadn’t been staring. The whole thing was rather comical and I would have laughed if it weren’t so pathetic.

  “I’m guessing you want to go upstairs.”

  I nearly spit the tea out of my mouth. I coughed and some went down the wrong pipe.

  “Upstairs?” I asked.

  He began laughing and I immediately turned red.

  “Yes. Not what you think. I would never, you know, until you’re ready.” The eagerness in his eyes belied the words he spoke and I felt a shudder run through me.

  “Cold?”

  Not wanting to appear ungrateful or uncomfortable after all he had done for me, I told him I was.

  “I didn’t sleep well last night, I guess I’m tired.”

  “That would do it.”

  He stood, walked to the closet and removed a sweatshirt from a hook on the inside of the door. It was a men’s gray hoodie.

  “Here, this is the only one I have that you won’t be swimming in.” He held it up for me and I pushed my arms through the sleeves.

  “Thank you.”

  “Now, let’s rephrase that. Do you want to see your things upstairs…?” He waited for some indication from me, “or do you want me to bring it all down. Same thing to me, whatever makes you feel more comfortable. I understand that you are a bit doubtful. I’d be too, if…” He left it hanging there unfinished.

  “No, I can go up.” I stood and waited for Kevin to lead the way. He walked over to the stairs and we both made our way to the top and down the hall. “Besides, I’d like to see your home.”

  “I just moved here less than two months ago,” He explained, “so everything is in boxes for the most part.”

  “Just moved? I thought you were taking me to…”

  “My old apartment wasn’t big enough for us both, so I found this house. You were going to go house hunting with me, but then…I didn’t think you’d be in the hospital when I finally found this place…”

  “Oh.”

  “You seem disappointed.” He was staring closely at me and I was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

  “No, it’s just that…I was hoping something familiar would jolt a memory.”

  He turned away and didn’t answer, then pushed open a door and we both stepped inside. The first thing I noticed was that there were a few boxes, still taped, stacked in the corner. Now this is the part that caught me by surprise. The wall in that corner of the room was papered with pictures of me; all candid, every one of them.

  I couldn’t turn my eyes away. He had managed to capture me in various moods, for lack of a better description, and it was clear that I was obviously unaware that anyone was taking my picture. I was laughing. Smiling. Talking to people who I had absolutely no clue to their identities. I looked thoughtful and I looked happy, very happy.

  On the floor was a box. It had been opened, but I didn’t have to open the flaps to know what was inside.

  ‘Sarah’s things’ was written very neatly with a thick black marker on the outside.

  Kevin walked over pushing the other boxes out of the way.

  “These are your things.” He said simply, then stepped back.

  I walked over and pulled the top flaps open. Inside was a small suitcase, a medium sized flat box and several knick knack type items wrapped in newspaper.

  I reached in and pulled out the medium flat box.

  “Let me lift that.” Kevin said as he reached in and removed the suitcase and stood there holding it.

  “Is that…?”

  “Yes. This is the bag you packed when you were leaving Brad.” He put it down in the middle of the carpeted floor.

  I sat next to it and opened the two locks.

  Holding my breath, I raised the top and gasped.

  Packed inside the suitcase were neatly folded bras, panties, nightgowns, stockings, makeup, perfume and shoes.

&nbs
p; Apparently I was running away in the hopes of becoming a hooker.

  Either that or I didn’t do much other than have sex.

  I said nothing. I pushed the garments aside and felt the blush rise from my chest to my face. Without looking up, too embarrassed to meet Kevin’s gaze, I opened the flaps of the medium flat box.

  I heard him chuckle.

  It might be funny to him, but I was mortified. What type of woman was I?

  The flat box was filled with cards, and notes.

  I lifted one and opened it. It was sexy and funny and snarky…and it was signed Ever, Sarah.

  I opened a note and began to read it. If I thought I was red faced from seeing the contents of the suitcase, I was in for a shock at how much redder my skin could get. I was literally burning.

  ‘I love you. I love your body and how it fits so perfectly with mine. I love feeling you inside me…’

  Needless to say I had to stop reading it. I was totally blunt and very, very, descriptive in my expression of our love and if I did write this note to Kevin, which I was trying to come to grips with, I was in love, or at the very least, in lust with him.

  The words on this page were beautifully written by a woman very much in love, and they haunted me. A woman who enjoyed sex and the intimacy that came with it. I wanted to have those strong feelings again. I wanted to be whole again. I wanted to be me again!

  Would I ever know the real me?

  Would I ever remember?

  “These are…um…very personal.”

  “I know. I treasure every word.”

  “How often do you read them?” I noticed the pages were worn from being folded over and over again.

  This time he had the good sense to blush, “You don’t know how much I’ve missed you…and…your…warmth.”

  “I don’t know how to feel right now. I hope you understand.” I tried to explain the total discomfort I was experiencing. I looked around the room, in the hopes of finding a hole I can fall into.

  “Sarah. I would never force you to do anything you weren’t ready for. Take your time. You’re here now. You’re safe with me. And I won’t ever let you out of my sight again.” The words were spoken softly and with such meaning, I almost wanted to get up and run to him, but I remembered another’s touch and for a very brief moment, I doubted my sanity.

  Could my instincts be that off?

  Could I have mixed up my feelings and desires for them both?

  Who the hell knows?

  All I knew at this moment was that I was tired and needed to be alone to process this new-found information.

  “Is there a place I can lay down for a while? It’s been… I’m a bit overwhelmed and my brain is fried.”

  “Of course. I prepared the room across the hall, next to ‘our room’. Take your time.”

  “Would you mind bringing my other bag up?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “Thank you, Kevin.”

  He nodded and walked out the door, returning a few minutes later with my bag. He opened the door across the hall and I watched as he placed my bag on the bed.

  “I’ve got to go out and get some groceries. You’ll be alright here alone?”

  “Yes. Of course.”

  “Good. Don’t open the door for anyone. I have my key.”

  “I won’t.”

  I meant it.

  He leaned down and kissed the top of my head.

  “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

  “Okay.”

  He left the room and when I heard his footsteps on the stairs, I swiped the top of my head as if to wipe it away. I don’t know why I did that. I got up and went into the room where he’d placed my bag. It was a modest bedroom. Not overly large, but big enough to hold a large four poster queen sized bed, a huge armoire, two nightstands, a chair and small table in the corner and two doors. I walked to the first and found the bathroom. It was a small bathroom, but had a shower/tub combo, a sink and of course, a toilet. The small window over the toilet was covered with dark blinds. I walked inside and opened them, allowing the sun to brighten the room.

  “That’s better.” I said to myself.

  I walked back into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. I felt like a fool. Here I was in a strange, well strange to me, man’s house. I had fled my home, and now find myself in an even more precarious position. In the next room was ‘my’ suitcase that held nothing but undergarments, and uber sexy lingerie. Now I ask you, who the hell leaves their home with just underwear?

  Clearly someone who has lost their frigging mind.

  A few minutes later I heard him leave, locking the door behind him and I let out of sigh of relief. I wanted to pull my hair out of my head and scream at the top of my lungs.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I was happy for the small amount of privacy his leaving afforded and got up and walked back into that room. Somewhere in that big cardboard box had to be clothing. I lifted the suitcase and flipped it over emptying the contents onto the beige rug.

  Slowly pushing aside each of the undergarments on the top, I revealed yet another layer of more undergarments. Thongs and panties, and bras—really sexy bras— and more stockings. The nighties I’d packed were designed for only one thing.

  To inspire desire.

  I got up and searched the rest of the large box that had held ‘my’ suitcase and the personal notes and cards. All I found were more pictures. Some in frames some not.

  I sat back down. What the hell would possess a normal woman to leave her home with nothing but undergarments? Yet here they were, along with very personal notes and cards, obviously signed by me…Sarah. I found I had more questions than answers, which only left me feeling more uncertain.

  I got up and made my way down the steps. I wanted to look around. I was hopeful that something else would trigger the sleeping Sarah to finally awaken. I opened each door, a closet for coats. A pantry. A laundry room. The bathroom I used earlier. A door to the back porch.

  I peeked out the door and noticed that the yard was totally bare. No table, no personal items. He did mention that he’d just moved in so maybe he didn’t have the opportunity to really settle in yet.

  I tried to open the door, to what I assumed was the basement, the one that I’d tried earlier and found it to be definitely locked. Upon further inspection, I noticed it had a strange doorknob on it. Like the type you would use on an outside door—very heavy duty—the kind that only opened with a key.

  Realizing the clock was ticking until Kevin’s return, I made my way back up the stairs and opened each door looking inside. The only door I was unable to open was Kevin’s. It also had one of those strange locks the same that was on the what I assumed was the basement door. There were three other bedrooms, each piled high with boxes.

  There were several that had something written on them in thick black marker and crossed out with what looked like the same black marker. I thought one of them said Mary Elizabeth, but I could be wrong. Even if it did say another woman’s name, I’m sure I’m not the only woman he’s had a relationship with. He was a very, very handsome man.

  The next room sort of freaked me out. There were boxes in the corner that had the name Tanya written in marker and scribbled on top so that the name was somewhat hidden, but when you turned the box around, it said Tanya clearly on the other side. In another corner were boxes marked Julia. Those were clearly marked. None of the boxes in that corner were crossed out or written over.

  What a nosey body I was. For all I knew, it was a sister or his mother. I walked over to one of ‘Julia’s’ boxes and pulled back the tape and looked inside. I reached in and was shocked to pull out several sexy undergarments from that box as well.

  Suddenly, I heard a car pull up in the driveway and I quickly made my way back to the room where he’d placed my bag, ‘my room’. I quietly lay down on top of the comforter, wrapping his hoodie tightly around my body as if it could protect me. He called my name out softly when he got insid
e. Then I heard footsteps. Next I heard him turn a key in a lock. He called my name softly up the stairs once more, but I didn’t answer.

  The sounds of his footsteps led me to believe he was at the back of the house and could hear him placing bags on the table. At least that would be my guess. The door to the refrigerator opened and closed several times, as well as a few cupboards. He mumbled something incoherent and then I heard his footsteps as he made his way back towards the front door. It sounded like he locked it. I was listening, trying to figure out what he was doing, and then I heard his muffled footsteps on the thick carpet as he slowly climbed the stairs.

  I quickly turned on my side and feigned sleep.

  I knew when he walked into the bedroom where I lay, I could feel his presence behind me, but I lay as still as I could. I don’t know why I did this, but I did.

  “Sarah?” He whispered.

  When I didn’t answer him, he slowly pulled the door closed as he walked out. I could hear him insert a key into the door of the room next to mine. It clicked when it closed.

  I listened, my eyes still closed, when I heard Kevin began to speak. I could only guess he was talking with someone on the phone. I wasn’t able to hear what he said, but he was obviously arguing with whomever he was talking to. I tried to listen but couldn’t make out what he was saying.

  There were a few clicking noises, then silence. A few minutes later I heard him leave the room. The key once again clicked loudly as it turned in the lock. He paused for a few tense moments outside my door, then finally proceeded down the hall, and down the steps.

  I lay there for some time and must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes the room was cast in total darkness. I sat up and reached out trying to find a lamp. After a few fumbled attempts, I finally found one and turned it on. The room was cast in an eerie glow. I looked around trying to get my bearings, and spotted something on the end of the bed.

  It was a rose.

  A single red rose.

  I leaned down and picked it up. All the thorns were taken off and I automatically brought it to my nose. It was a smell that I remembered. A smell I wasn’t overly fond of. It reminded me of an old woman’s perfume. I sat up and lowered my feet to the floor.