by Neil Strauss
There are only three things you need to perfect in order to master the art of attracting women:
Who you are
What you do
When and how you do it
When it comes to who you are, during the first few days of the Challenge you worked on your goals, mission statement, and identity. Tomorrow you’ll drill down and refine the individual characteristics of your personality.
As for what you do, you’ve spent nearly every day developing that element of your game, from openers to demonstrations of value.
And, for when and how you do it, you’ve learned the order and sequence of each attraction event and studied the big picture. But there is one more piece to this puzzle: calibration. And it makes all the difference.
Technically speaking, calibration is the act of adjusting or correcting the accuracy of a measuring instrument, usually through determining its deviation from a standard. In terms of attraction, the definition remains the same—but the measuring instrument is you and the standard is her.
Identifying the Instrument
When approaching, calibration is the skill that allows you to read the dynamics of the group or the woman you’re interested in and know what to do next.
If, for example, a woman saunters up to you in a bar, rubs your chest, and says you’re cute, what do you do?
If you try an opinion opener, you’ll bore her—and a demonstration of value will seem like you’re trying too hard. Through calibration, you’ll know to skip most of the stages you’ve learned and start thinking about how to give her the physical experience she’s looking for. Further calibration will help you determine if she wants to make out with you right there, if she wants to be taken home, or if she’s just trying to make someone else in the room jealous. All these evaluations—made in a fraction of a second—will determine your next course of action.
Calibration continues to be necessary throughout an interaction. Making slight adjustments in your body language, eye contact, and tonality can affect the behavior, responses, and interest level of the woman you’re talking to. Try standing too close to her and noticing how she reacts; then stand too far away. Try leaning in, then leaning back. Explore making direct eye contact, looking at her mouth, or looking over her shoulder when talking.
Learning to read her responses, and then adjusting your actions to elicit the feelings you want her to have, is the core of the game.
Setting the Instrument
Though calibration is one of the most critical pieces of the game, it can also be a trap. If you overcalibrate and worry too much about every small sign a woman gives you, you’ll probably become anxious and insecure, and sabotage the interaction.
When meeting a new person, all kinds of thoughts and snap judgments, both positive and negative, may swim through your mind in a matter of moments. So to avoid erring on the side of insecurity, when you’re trying to assess how she feels about you, set your calibrator not to 0 (neutral interest) but to +2 (slightly interested). Go into every interaction with the attitude that the woman you’re interested in is into you—and if you find yourself wondering how to interpret something she does, assume the best. This will motivate you to press forward with confidence.
Labeling the Instrument
After setting your instrument this way, you should then try to determine how she currently feels about you and what she needs to progress to the next stage in your attraction sequence.
At all times, you’re looking for one of three responses from her:
Green Light—A positive response, which means go forward
Yellow Light—A neutral response, which means proceed with caution
Red Light—A negative response, which means stop what you’re doing
Red lights are the realm of damage control, when you’ve miscalibrated and crossed a line or made an error. If that occurs, back up to the last yellow light.
The yellow light is what you’ll encounter most often. It’s a point when anything can happen. And the outcome depends on your ability to assess where she is in the courtship process, where she needs to be taken next, and what she needs to get there. Among the things she may need from you are more value, more attraction, more comfort, more trust, or just more time.
Make these calculations in your mind as imperceptibly as possible. One bad habit people sometimes develop while learning the game is that they become reaction seeking. Remember, as soon as it becomes clear that you’ve done or said anything solely to get a particular response from her, it not only loses its impact, it also appears needy.
The game hinges on subtleties and details like these, in part because, whether she knows it or not, she’s also calibrating you. And most women have far more finely tuned instruments and intuition than we do.
Reading the Instrument
Some people’s calibration is a little off. They can’t seem to tell when they’re making people uncomfortable—or, conversely, when a woman is actually attracted to them.
No matter where you currently stand, if you pay attention and learn from the feedback a woman gives you, you’ll accumulate enough experience and success that your calibration will correct itself. Eventually your intuition will become so strong that you won’t need to apply any rules to calibrate. You’ll just know.
In the meantime, here are a few clear signs that can help you tell whether a woman is attracted to you. These signals are subtle, so don’t rely on just one to give you the green light to proceed. Make sure you have three to four clear, positive indications before assuming she’s interested in getting a little more intimate. These indicators of interest include:
She asks you, without prompting, what your name is, what you do for work, where you’re from, or how old you are.
You lean back, and she leans toward you.
Her legs are uncrossed (or crossed toward you), her body is angled toward you, and her arms are uncrossed.
She changes her opinion of a song, movie, or current event based on your opinion.
You make a joke, and no one in the group laughs but her.
You take her hand to lead her somewhere, and she squeezes it—especially if you let go and she holds on.
She says, “I’m not going to sleep with you” or “I’m not going home with you,” before you’ve asked her to or conveyed any intent to do so.
She playfully punches or slaps your hand or arm.
She ignores her friends when they try to contribute or want to leave.
You stop talking and make eye contact, and she holds it for longer than a second.
You turn to speak to someone else, and she waits for you to turn back to her.
She displays a combination of subconscious attraction gestures: lip licking, hair twirling, pupil dilating, even nostril flaring.
She grooms herself or adjusts her clothes to expose more skin while talking to you.
She absentmindedly fondles something like a straw, cell phone, or piece of jewelry. (If she’s clutching it tightly or fidgeting with it, that’s not a good sign.)
You stop talking, and she tries to continue the conversation, usually with the word “So…”
She mirrors your movements—stroking her hair after you stroke yours, sipping her drink after you sip yours, even making a face after you make one at her.
Like sending out a sonar signal and waiting for it to return to determine a distance, you can send out signals to test her interest. To do this, make a small action and notice how she responds. For example, playfully (and lightly) punch her in the shoulder. If she punches or hits you back, these are good signs; if she stiffens or recoils slightly, these are not so good.
Be forewarned that some women will be very touchy-feely as soon as they meet you because they seek the validation of guys chasing them, enjoy the power it gives them over men, or are showing off for someone else in the room. With these women, don’t consider anything a genuine display of interest unless you know you’ve earned or deserved it. Until then, tell them with a smile th
at you charge twenty dollars a touch, and they’re racking up quite a bill.
Upgrading the Instrument
We’ve discussed calibrating to determine your course of action. But there’s another type of calibration that’s more fun and powerful. It includes elements of cold reading, determines which disqualifiers are appropriate if any, and helps build rapport.
Like using X-ray glasses, this advanced form of calibration allows you to explore her innermost thoughts, needs, and desires. To train yourself to do this, as you’re talking to her, ask yourself:
What type of personality does she have?
Does she have high or low self-esteem?
Is she sexually open or reserved?
What does she do for work?
Is she currently in a relationship?
Is she an oldest, youngest, middle, or only child?
Is she closer to her mother or her father?
Is she primarily athletic, emotional, or intellectual?
What qualities is she attracted to in men?
What are her needs?
Where is she in life and what is she looking for?
Just like with cold reading, there are many clues that will give you this information. They include her clothing, makeup, posture, gestures, eye movements, the way she speaks, and the people she’s with.
Mastering the Instrument
There’s only one way to master calibration: Get feedback.
The simplest way to practice is to turn on a soap opera and watch it with the sound off. Try to guess as much as you can about the relationship between the characters on-screen. Then turn on the volume and check your accuracy.
A good intermediate exercise is to make polite, informed guesses about new people you’re talking to. Try to determine what they do for a living, what kind of environment they were raised in, whether they were popular in school, and what their birth order is. Then, at some point during the conversation, ask and see if you were correct.
Once you’re comfortable doing this, next time you’re out with friends, look at a group of two or more people and figure out as much about them as you can. In addition to the details already discussed, try to determine their relationship to one another, if they’re local or visiting, and what their general story is.
When you’re finished, simply walk over and ask them if you’re right. Make sure you smile, ask with genuine curiosity, don’t make them uncomfortable, and don’t seem like you’re making fun of them or judging them. Not only will this give you the feedback you need to improve your calibration, rapport, and cold-reading skills, but it’s a great opener—as you’ll discover in your field exercise today.
MISSION 1: Step on the Scale
As you learned yesterday, there are three aspects to the game: who you are, what you do, and when and how you do it.
Today we’re going to further explore the idea of who you are. It’s not easy to make lasting improvements to the characteristics of your personality, but once you begin the process, you’ll start moving toward your goals in dating and life as if you were on autopilot. You won’t need to whip out the rings routine to demonstrate value, because you’ll be demonstrating value simply by existing.
The switches of attraction and desire can be flipped by eight major personality attributes working together. Turn to your Day 29 Briefing, read about them, and rate yourself from 1 to 10 in each category.
If you have been doing the Challenge with a friend, told anyone about your missions, or found a local wing in the Stylelife forums, when you’re finished scoring yourself, ask your trusted acquaintance to give you an honest rating in each category as well.
MISSION 2: The Final Sprint
If you haven’t yet been on or arranged a date this month, it’s time to make it happen.
If you haven’t yet received a definite, ironclad confirmation for your dinner party from at least one of the women you’ve met, it’s approach time for you as well.
Tomorrow the Stylelife Challenge ends.
And you have the tools it takes to be a winner. All you have to do is use and implement them.
To make sure no one gets left behind, I’ve saved one technique for today: the instant conversation starter.
Grab a notebook or a piece of paper. Write at the top, in capital letters, “TOP TEN FILMS.” Now number it from one to ten.
Your mission today is to make a list of the top ten films of all time. You’re going to play one or two of these in the background, with the sound off, at every party you have. Of course, with such an important task, you’re going to need some assistance.
So go to one of the following five locations, where you’re most likely to meet friendly, open-minded women:
1.
A health-food grocery store such as Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods Market
2.
The lobby, lounge, bar, or pool area of a major hotel
3.
The bookstore, library, cafeteria, or student center of a college
4.
A spirituality bookstore, alternative coffeehouse, or yoga studio
5.
An event from local newspaper listings that attractive single women are likely to attend, whether it be a wine tasting or a casting call
Make sure that you bring your list and a pen. Fill in five spaces anywhere on the list with film titles. But make sure you leave the number one and number two spaces blank for her valuable input.
Here’s a sample script you may want to use: “Hey, you look like you may know something about movies. I’m trying to figure out the top ten films of all time for this weekly movie party I’m starting, and I’m experiencing total brain freeze. Here’s what I have so far.”
Then show her the list and have her help you fill it out. To disqualify, tease her for choosing frivolous or obvious movies; to create rapport, bond on favorite films. When the energy begins to flag, start a new thread by using an opinion opener, the rings routine, a story from your files, or anything else you’ve learned this month.
Your goal, of course, is to seed your party, invite her to it, and exchange phone numbers. Since this is the penultimate day of the Challenge, spend as long as it takes until you have a solid number exchange.
This is the first day of the rest of your dating life.
Rate yourself in each of the qualities below on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is completely deficient in the trait, 5 is average, and 10 is perfect. Judge yourself not as you see yourself but as you believe others see you. Try to be as honest and realistic as possible. Write your answers in the spaces below.
Looks
At the beginning of the Challenge, you learned that looks have less to do with your physical features than with how you present yourself. Rate yourself on your grooming, posture, eye contact, whether you stand out in a positive way, and if your style attracts the type of women you want to be with.
RATING:_______________
SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT: Study and execute more Day 5 tasks; find role models whose style you admire; make dates to shop for clothing, shoes, and grooming supplies with women you meet.
Adaptability
Ever notice that uptight men tend not to do well with women? This is because they aren’t adaptable. Rate yourself on your adventurousness, spontaneity, independence, risk taking, social intelligence, flexibility, and ability to handle new situations and environments.
RATING:_______________
SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT: Write down a few things you’d like to do in your lifetime. Focus not on career or relationship goals but on recreational skills and adventures—learning to scuba dive, taking a safari, building a kit car, or competing in a triathlon. Then circle one of these items and commit to doing it in the next six months. Enter it into your calendar six months from now to make a firm deadline for yourself.
Strength
Strength is the ability to protect a woman and make her feel safe. Some men display this through money or muscle, but those aren’t necessary—and often aren
’t enough. So rate yourself on being an effective communicator, having a powerful frame, living in your own reality, your ability to take care of others, and criteria such as assertiveness, leadership ability, courage, loyalty, decisiveness, and self-assurance.
RATING:_______________
SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT: From the list above, select one attribute you need to work on in order to add a point to your strength. Then start demonstrating it in social situations, whether it’s showing you’re decisive by ordering for a table of friends at a restaurant or demonstrating your communication ability by talking your way into a store when it’s about to close.
Value
As you learned on Day 14, value is one of the key criteria people look for when deciding whom to align with. Value actually consists of three elements: what you think your value is, what she thinks it is, and what impartial observers think it is. Rate yourself on the degree to which you’re the leader of a social circle, admired by others, able to teach people things, and comfortable displaying high-status behaviors. Other criteria include being intelligent, interesting, talented, entertaining, successful, self-sufficient, and creative.
RATING:_______________
SUGGESTION FOR IMPROVEMENT: Make a list of five reasons a woman would want to see you again after meeting you for fifteen minutes. The list should be based on the value you either project or provide to her. Commit to learning one new skill, game, or attribute to add to that list.
