DEPRESSION IS A cruel monster. Anyone who’s ever suffered from it knows that it’s not something you can just shake off. I’ve tried, trust me I’ve tried. I’ve done everything I know to try and get some semblance of my life back. At first I thought immersing myself in everyday tasks would help, but it didn’t. I ended up spending days at a time locked in my room. When the solitude didn’t help, I tried ridding myself of anything that reminded me of my pain. Trevor was the first to suffer that fate. I pushed him away until he finally stopped coming back. He still calls, sends texts, and for a while was stopping by the house, but I’ve kept pushing. Having him around hurts. It doesn’t really help having him away, but I don’t know what else to do.
Ken’s leaving for college in a few months, and Mikey’s rarely ever here. The house is quiet, and I spend most of my days reading or tending to the garden I put out back. The spring weather has been nice, and every once in a while, I go down to the creek. The cherry trees are in full bloom and when they’re blowing in the breeze I close my eyes and sometimes I can feel her.
I’ve lost weight, and hardly ever do anything to fix myself up anymore. There’s no one to impress, and honestly, I don’t care. Trevor’s been calling me each day and leaving messages. I never call back. It hurts to hear his voice, and if I want him to stop, then I know I can’t let him back in. I’m sure everyone is asking why I’m doing this, and I really don’t know. I don’t have a reason I just know that everything hurts when I’m around them, so being away is the only way I know to make it stop. I’m tired of crying, and I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of feeling the way I do. I’ve been making plans for the last several weeks, and I think I’m finally ready to pull the trigger. There’s no going back after this, and I know Trevor’s going to hate me but maybe hating me is just what he needs to move on.
I’VE SPENT THE last several days plotting away at how I’m going to break through to her. Sharron has always been stubborn, but she’s taken it to a whole new level. Being apart is not the answer, and I’m determined to prove that to her. This ‘having my own apartment’ has got to stop. I love her, and know deep down she loves me too.
I’ve been sitting here on my couch for the last hour making a list of all the things that remind me of her. I’ve made notes and bullet points listing why we need to get past this. I have everything planned out for when I show up at the house tonight. I’m gonna go over there after dinner when I know she’s still awake, and I’m gonna make her talk to me. I’ve just about convinced myself that this is the only way I can make this work when there’s a knock at the door.
The papers in my hands fell to the table in a scatter as I jumped and then stared at the closed door, willing her to be on the other side. Had she known I was thinking about her? Was she coming here to tell me that she was sorry and wanted to fix this? Was she remembering what we used to be like and believing in us again?
I pushed up off the couch and rushed over to the door, yanking it open. The person on the other side was not who I was expecting but after our night at the bar a few weeks ago, I wasn’t surprised.
“Ty. What are you doing here?” my brow furrowed as I stepped back and motioned him inside. He was dressed in a suit like he’d come from court.
“How you been?” he refused to look at me, causing me to stare at him in caution.
“Fine,” I slowly dragged the words out. “What’s up? Bad day? Wanna a beer?”
“I can’t tonight,” he cleared his throat before he turned to face me. “I’m here on business.”
“Is this about that kid I caught shoplifting last week?” I reached up and gripped the back of my neck.
“No. I’m sorry, Bro,” he handed me a manila envelope and backed up, holding his hands in the air defensively. “I tried to stop her. I really did. I’m sorry.” He shuffled backwards until he was through the door. “I’m sorry,” he called out one last time before rushing away.
I stood there stunned. My brother hadn’t acted like this since he was a little kid. When we were younger and he did something like break one of my model planes or rat me out to Dad, he would backpedal like I just witnessed. Whatever was in this envelope was bad. I just knew it.
I shook my head in confusion as I moved to sit back down on the couch. I carefully slid my finger under the flap and shook the contents into my hand. The words printed at the top weren’t the biggest shocker, it was the name printed and signed at the bottom. All the air in my lungs whooshed out as my world began to spin out of control. There in bold letters were the words ‘Petition for Dissolution of Marriage’ and at the bottom was my wife’s signature.
The papers fluttered to the ground as all the emotions I’d been fighting against for a year came rushing out. The glass I’d been drinking out of went sailing across the room, shattering when it hit the wall. My breathing came faster as the tears pooled in my eyes. Why? Why was she doing this? The hurt bubbled up out of control as I began pacing the tiny apartment, the place she’d exiled me to. Furniture was shoved as anything I could get my hands on went airborne. When the hurt began to subside, anger replaced it. How could she just give up? Didn’t I mean anything? Didn’t the way I felt mean anything? Didn’t our eighteen years of marriage mean anything? When I stopped pacing long enough to stare at the papers once again, the letterhead brought the anger right back. My brother was helping with this. I felt sick, and torn. I didn’t know who to go to first. Sharron, or Tyler.
WHEN I HEARD the rocks crunch under the tires, I knew exactly who it was pulling into the driveway. His footsteps were quick as he rushed around the house, and I prepared for what I knew would be a battle.
“What the hell is this?” his voice growled as his feet appeared beside me. I’d been tending my garden, and I used the task as a distraction.
“Trev,” I sighed as I slowly stood and removed my gloves. It was a beautiful day, but I couldn’t really appreciate it. The sun and cloudless sky were no match for the storm brewing in Trevor’s eyes. An envelope that I assumed contained the divorce papers I’d filed was clutched in his right hand, and a mix of anger and hurt covered his face.
“Are you really ready to do this? Take it this far?” he held up his hand and shook the envelope at me.
“It’s for the best,” I murmured as I started to turn back to the garden. I didn’t want to face him. Trevor always had the ability to see past the bullshit, and I knew he’d see right through me.
“For who?” he grabbed my arm to stop me. “You tell me right now how pushing me away, ignoring your kids; the ones who are here, and completely cutting everyone that loves you off is best.”
Anger simmered deep inside me. It was one of the few emotions that I’d felt other than unexplained sadness over the past several months. “How dare you!” I yanked my arm out of his grip. “You have no idea what I feel like!”
“So tell me!” he screamed back. “I have no fucking idea what’s going on in your head because you won’t talk to me!” His breathing was coming out in pants and I watched as he yanked at his hair. “We’ve been together way too long to let this happen. Our son was in my office this morning because he’s afraid to leave his brother with you. He’s ready to give up a full ride because of this!” he waved his arms out as he motioned to me and the house.
“What?” I had no idea that Ken was even considering this.
“Yeah,” he nodded as he stepped closer and lowered his voice. “We’ve been through so much. Please stop doing this. I’m begging you. Let me come back home and let’s fix us. Please,” he grabbed both my hands and as he looked deep into my eyes I saw the first signs of what I was doing. A single tear crept out of his right eye and trickled down his cheek. Trevor wasn’t the type to cry, ever. Other than the few times he’d cried in the dark after we lost the baby, he’s remained stoic. “Talk to someone. We can go together. Something’s going on in there that’s not you,” he tapped my forehead and my anger came rushing back just like that.
“You think I don’t know th
at,” I volleyed back as I yanked my hands from his. “I know that’s something’s off. I know it, but I don’t know why.” I took a few steps back. “I’ve tried. I’ve done everything I know to do to fix this, but nothing’s working.”
“You need to talk to someone,” his voice softened as he moved closer.
“Like who? You?” I scoffed. “You have no idea what I’m feeling. You don’t even care?”
“Care? We both lost that baby, Shar. Just because I didn’t lock myself away doesn’t mean that I didn’t care. I couldn’t let it bring me down. I had to take care of you and the boys. You didn’t give me time. Did you ever think of that? Who would’ve taken care of you if I’d fallen apart?”
“That’s not fair,” I growled as I wiped at my eyes. I hadn’t even realized I was crying until my nose started running.
“I don’t’ know what you want me to say. I’m trying here. We had a great life. Everything we’ve ever wanted has been right here. We can have it back if you want it. I want it,” he mumbled. “Do you still love me?”
I was torn. Of course I still loved him, but it hurt so bad being around him. He was the reminder of what I lost and I didn’t know if I could ever get past that if I saw him every day.
“I’ll always love you, that’s not the problem,” I muttered as I glanced down at my hands.
“Will you talk to someone? For me, please? Give it a little time?” his voice shook and when my eyes met his I could see the pleading.
I nodded. “Ok. I’ll try. I’ll talk to someone, but if it doesn’t work, you have to let me go,” I murmured.
PROGRESS. WE WERE finally making progress. I didn’t know if it would last, but at least she seemed to hear me when I talked to her today. As I drove away, my anger fired back up on my way to my brother’s. He had been heading home when I last saw him, but I really didn’t care. How dare he join her side. He knew what I’d been going through for months now. He knew, and he was helping her make it worse.
When I pulled into the driveway in front of Tyler’s house, I didn’t even get out of the car before he was coming out the door. He’d changed into a pair of athletic shorts and a t-shirt. “I’m sorry, man. I tried to talk her out of it,” he called out.
All I saw was red, and knowing that he was helping her made me want to take his head off. “You son of a bitch!” I bellowed as I stalked up to him and took a swing. I must say, none of us have come to blows in years. Between Taylor and Tyler, Ty always knew how to get to me.
He stumbled back a few steps and rubbed his jaw as he chuckled humorlessly. “I’ll let you have that one,” he glared up at me, “but don’t you fucking punch me again.”
“How could you? You’re my brother!” I fisted my hands at my side. “You’re supposed to help me fix this, not make it worse.”
“I’m trying to help you, you idiot!” he growled. “She’s been calling me for days. These papers would have been filed months ago, if someone else had done it. I’m dragging my feet for a reason.” He tossed his head back and stared at the sky. “Fight for her.”
“I have been!” I lifted my hand to take another swing just as Mia stepped out on the porch.
“As much as I think Ty usually deserves an ass kicking, I kinda agree with him here,” she ran between us and threw her hands up.
“What?” Tyler scoffed as he stared at her.
“Your plans usually suck, but this time I think you might be on to something,” she smiled at him before looking over at me. “Just hear him out. He’s been plotting this out for you the last few days.”
My brow furrowed as I stared at them. “What?” Ty shrugged. “You’re my brother. The key here is getting her to agree with you.”
“Great,” I sighed as I shook my head.
“Why don’t you come inside and have a beer. You two can talk about it together, but no more punching things. I don’t want to have to fix anything you two break,” she wagged her finger at us as Ty rolled his eyes.
“Yes, Mom,” he grumbled.
“I heard that,” she narrowed her eyes on us before disappearing into the kitchen.
“Have a seat,” Ty motioned toward the living room before disappearing in the direction Mia had gone. I heard giggling and whispered voices before he reappeared a few moments later holding two beers.
“Did I interrupt something?” I lifted a brow as I took one of the beers from him.
“You can’t come over here and not interrupt something,” he snickered.
“So what’s this plan of yours?” I lifted the bottle to my lips and took a large gulp. I needed something to mellow me out. The anger from earlier was still bubbling right under the surface, and I had a feeling Ty knew it. Normally he would use it to his advantage, but I think after I punched him he may go in a different direction.
“I was talking with Gavin the other day,” he held his hand up to keep me from cutting him off. “I didn’t tell him it was you. Calm down, Bro.”
“I don’t want your friends knowing all my business,” I growled.
“Anyway,” he sighed. “Gavin’s parents went through something like this a few years ago. He gave me the name of the counselor they talked to. Here,” he handed me a piece of paper with a name on it. “She’s really good from what he says and it’s not far of a drive.”
“Thanks,” I shoved the paper in my pocket.
“You just need to convince her to go,” Ty pressed his lips together.
“I think I can manage that,” I nodded. “We talked.”
“Good. Now for the fun part,” he smirked. “You’ve got quite a bit of vacation saved up, right?”
“Yeah,” I let the word drag as it slipped out.
“Take next week off. I think you two need some time alone. The kids can stay with me or Tay. I’m sure he won’t mind. Hell, Mikey’s been there more than he’s been home lately.”
“What are you getting at?” I ran my hands through my hair.
“Morgan and Mia have been putting this together. They’ve got a romantic trip to the city planned for you. Between the four of us, I think you’re both gonna enjoy it.”
“I don’t think romance is the problem here,” I mumbled. I’d always been romantic. I did small little things for Sharron all the time. She pushed me away even though I tried to be there.
“I don’t think it is either. I think you two need to remember why you fell in love. I think you need to go back to before all of this,” he waved his arm. “You need to go back to before the cherry trees and life got in the way. You need to remember what it was like when you didn’t have a care in the world.”
“Since when did you turn into this…” I let the words die.
“Smart?” Ty laughed.
“I was gonna say sap,” I shook my head.
“You and Sharron have been together since I was six. You’ve been married since I was eleven. Other than Mom and Dad, you were my example of what marriage was all about. I’m marrying the love of my life soon. How am I supposed to believe it will last if you two can’t work this out? Despite what you think, I still look up to you, Bro.”
I stood there staring at him completely in awe of the words he said, and no idea how to express it. “You’ll make it,” I nodded. “She loves you,” I pointed toward the kitchen. Mia didn’t think I could hear her, but I could. She’d been listening to us the entire time.
“You will too,” he smiled. “Now go home and pack. You’re expected at The Plaza on Monday.”
“Ty,” I shook my head no.
“Don’t mention it. Now go,” he grinned as I turned to leave.
“Thanks,” I waved as I jogged down his front steps and back to my car.
This was gonna work. I would make her remember. We’d go back to before, before the cherry trees and life got in the way.
WHEN TREVOR SHOWED up the house the next week, I wasn’t surprised. He’d told me he’d made an appointment for me with someone Ty had recommended. I really didn’t see the point in all this, but I’d
told him I’d give it a chance so I owed him that. He was smiling when he climbed out of the car and bounded up the front steps. He was dressed in a pair of shorts and a golf shirt. I tried really hard to feel something other than annoyance and sadness when he smiled at me, but I failed. It felt as if I were just going through the motions to satisfy him.
He'd planned some weekend, and wouldn’t share the details, another thing I promised I’d try. I’d packed a bag with several spring dresses and was waiting on the porch swing when he arrived.
“All set?” he smiled at me as he reached for my bag. Ever the gentleman, he held out his hand for me to take.
“Sure,” I lifted one shoulder and murmured.
“This is gonna be good for us. You’ll see,” he grinned as he led me to the car. He opened my door, before walking around to the back and placing my bag in the trunk. “It’s only gonna take about twenty minutes to get to Dr. Marlow’s office. I thought I’d just grab a coffee while you go to your appointment,” he started the car and I stared out the window. I wasn’t trying to blow him off or be rude, but I didn’t feel like talking. I was going to do enough talking at this appointment. Right now all I wanted was peace and quiet.
As we drove out of town, I watched our small town disappear to be replaced with open highway. Cherryville had always been like a wide spot in the road. We were isolated, and the people that lived here liked it that way. Development stayed away and helped keep us frozen in time. I rarely left since I was in high school. I had dreams of going away to school, making a difference, but I couldn’t. Before my life even started, it got derailed. I found out I was pregnant with Ken right at the beginning of senior year, and Trev and I got married. My dreams of going to college changed to raising a baby, but we were in love. It didn’t matter back then, but the more I watch my son spread his wings, the more I wish I’d had that chance.
Before the Cherry Trees Page 7
