by Lisa Hall
Rupert gives me a small smile and a wink, and says, ‘Nothing as interesting as the things I get up to now you are on the scene.’
The table falls silent, and I feel it again, the ghost of Caro filling the room as clearly as if she were sat at the table next to me.
‘Let’s go dancing,’ Will says, jumping up from the table, and the thick silence is broken. ‘Girls, are you up for a night of wild clubbing?’
Sadie bursts out laughing. ‘Bloody hell, Will, I don’t know about that, I’ve got to be up at the crack of dawn with the twins.’
‘Don’t you mean the nanny has to be up at the crack of dawn with the twins?’ Amanda says, laughing as Sadie looks at her in mock horror. ‘How about Salamander’s?’
They all murmur their agreement, and as we walk outside to catch a cab – we could walk, but Sadie is already bitching about her heels – I loop my arm through Rupert’s, wanting to be close to him after feeling so out in the cold.
‘I’ve never been to Salamander’s,’ I say, trying to ease the worry from my face. I’ve found the evening overwhelming and I am floundering a little, out of my depth. To now have to go to the most exclusive club in the county makes my stomach swoop, and a thick nausea rise in my throat; I don’t know if it is nerves or pisco. I’m not sure I am ready for Salamander’s. Part of me longs for our big, cosy bed, the blinds closed against the outside world, just the two of us together. ‘Do I look OK?’
‘Absolutely.’ Rupert leans down and kisses me, making my heart skip a beat. Whatever happens between us, nothing seems to kill that flame that he sparks in me. ‘You look perfect.’
‘I didn’t even know you were a member there.’
‘Yes, for years. How was your meal? You girls looked thick as thieves down that end of the table.’
‘Oh. It was lovely.’ I keep my eyes on the pavement, careful not to trip on the uneven slabs, as I wonder whether to tell him that I know about Caro and Angus Beaton. ‘It was nice to talk properly with Amanda, too. I think that’s the first time we’ve had a proper conversation.’
‘Right. Well, that’s good. It’s nice to see all you ladies getting along together.’ Rupert sticks his hand out and a black cab glides to the edge of the kerb, and my opportunity to speak frankly to him is lost. ‘Here.’ He opens the door for me, Sadie appearing by my side. ‘You girls jump in. We’ll meet you there.’
Salamander’s is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I watch Sadie and Amanda closely, making sure that I don’t slip up and do anything to embarrass myself, always conscious that fitting in is a full-time job by itself. Feeling myself getting tipsy, I excuse myself from the dance floor and head to the bar, asking the barman for a soda water. As I slide onto a barstool, trying not to gawp at the lizard-inspired décor now that I have a moment to myself, I notice Rupert and Amanda at the far end of the bar, heads angled close together as they talk. I feel remarkably less annoyed at Rupert now – I haven’t forgiven him for not mentioning that Caro worked at The Children’s Trust, not by a long shot – but the booze has settled in my veins, making me feel less spiky. He probably didn’t say anything because, like Sadie said, he knew it would make me feel awkward. I feel a sudden rush of love for him, and slide from the bar stool. I totter along towards them, careful not to spill my drink, until I am standing close enough to catch the odd word of their conversation.
‘… Angus Beaton,’ Amanda is saying. Her mouth is downturned, and she raises her glass in a jabbing motion towards Rupert. Rupert is replying, and I step forward, my hand poised to tap him on the shoulder.
‘… and wrong, somehow. Em isn’t Caro, she never will be.’ Rupert’s words reach my ears and it’s like I’ve been drenched with a bucket of cold water. I step forward, my stomach churning.
‘Everything OK, you two?’ I say brightly, looking from one to the other.
‘Absolutely dandy,’ Rupert says, in that fake posh way he puts on sometimes in front of his friends. His hand slides around my waist and then down to rest on my bum and I resist the urge to pull away.
‘Amanda, is everything OK?’ I press, as Amanda knocks back the rest of her drink and avoids my eye. ‘You two looked very intense, you weren’t arguing, were you?’
‘No. God, no, of course not,’ Rupert says, ‘just catching up. Are you OK, darling?’
‘I need another drink. Excuse me, Emily, won’t you?’ Amanda turns, swaying slightly on her heels, before heading towards the bar, her empty glass clutched tightly in one hand. I look up at Rupert, drinking in his features, my heart lurching in my chest as I hear his words again. That I’m not Caro and never will be.
‘Rupert, is that true? Is everything all right between you two? It looked as though… well, Amanda didn’t look very happy.’
‘Ahh, you know how she is…’ Rupert leans down, his lips searching for mine, but I place my hand on his chest to stop him and his mouth twists in irritation. ‘Em, please. You must know what she’s like by now. She loves a drink, doesn’t know when to stop. Sometimes her mouth runs away with her. She just pissed me off a bit and I was telling her to give it a rest.’
‘Right.’ I don’t know what to think. I didn’t hear the full conversation, I don’t know why Rupert said that about me not being Caro, but maybe he was standing up for me if Amanda had said something out of order. She doesn’t keep it a secret that she idolized Caro, but I had thought that she and I were becoming friendlier, if not quite properly friends.
‘Come on—’ Rupert drags me towards the dance floor, wrapping his arms around me and I breathe in the familiar scent of him, let him press his body against mine, and try to forget Amanda, standing watching us from the bar.
Rupert passes me a large mug of coffee as we sit at the breakfast table the next morning, my head fuzzy and my temples thumping from too much alcohol and a distinct lack of sleep. I was exhausted by the time we fell in the door at 3 a.m., but as I lay in our huge bed, Rupert’s arm around my waist as his breath whistled softly in my ear, I couldn’t sleep, my mind going over and over the words I had heard exchanged between Rupert and Amanda. Now, I am hot and prickly, my brain feeling foggy, and I jump when my mobile beeps. It’s a text message from an unknown number. I glance at Rupert, where he stands at the stove attempting to make pancakes, before my gaze drifts back to the screen and with a thumping heart I swipe to open it.
Ask your husband why Angus Beaton didn’t take you on.
A sharp intake of breath, and my throat thickens as I look up to see Rupert frowning over me.
‘Em? What’s the matter?’ His brow is creased with concern, and his hair sticks up on one side. His cheeks are dark with a day’s worth of stubble, and as I look at his familiar face I think for a moment, Do I know you? Do I even really know you? I don’t speak, instead I just hand him my phone.
‘Oh shit, Em,’ he sighs, laying the phone on the table and pulling out the chair next to me. ‘Who sent you this?’
‘I don’t know, it’s from an unknown number,’ I say, ‘but aren’t you going to say something? Explain it?’
He scrubs his hand though his hair, and I feel a surge of anger. ‘Explain, Rupert. What the hell is going on?’
‘Look—’ He reaches for my hand and I pull away, hurt smarting my insides. ‘It wasn’t meant to be anything… I didn’t want to upset you.’
‘Rupert, for fuck sakes just explain yourself.’ My tone is cold, and I wrap my arms across my body, not wanting him to touch me.
‘Yes, OK,’ he says eventually, ‘yes, I did have something to do with Angus not taking you on but let me explain. I didn’t realize at first that The Children’s Trust was where you were looking at volunteering, but then I saw a message on your phone from Angus thanking you for coming in and I freaked out. I called him and told him not to take you on.’
‘But why, Rupert? I don’t understand. I wanted to do something with my time, and I chose Angus because I knew his charity was important to you. I wanted to do it for you.’
�
�Because of Caro, OK?’ Rupert shoves his chair back and starts pacing the kitchen. ‘Because Caro worked there, and it was bad for her. She saw such awful things, heard such awful stories, and it really affected her mental health.’ He pauses for a moment, takes a minute to steady his breathing. ‘I am pretty sure that the things she saw, the things she heard about there were partly to blame for why she did what she did and I didn’t want the same to happen to you.’
‘Oh, Rupert!’ I get to my feet and go to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. ‘I’m not like Caro.’ His words from the previous evening ring in my ears and I let go of any residual anger. ‘You don’t need to worry about me, but you should have spoken to me, not gone behind my back.’
‘I know that now.’ Rupert looks down at me, and my heart breaks at the expression in his eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, Em, it’s just… all that stuff about people watching you, horrid messages… Caro said the same things to me and it was all in her head and I just got so… frightened that I reacted without thinking. I can’t lose you, too. I love you so much.’
Tears spill over my cheeks as I lift my face, reaching up to kiss him. ‘I love you too, I understand now. I don’t need to volunteer there; I can find something else.’
It’s only later, after we have abandoned the cold, flabby pancakes and gone back to bed, taking our time over making love, my skin on fire as he trails his fingers over my stomach, and down my inner thighs, that it comes to me. Later, once he is asleep and I am laid awake, fingers of sunlight creeping through the gaps in the blinds as the street below hums with the sound of a hedge trimmer somewhere further down the lane, that someone sent that text message. Someone knew what Rupert had done and had deliberately sent me that text in order to bring uncertainty and mistrust into our lives. If Rupert has lied to me about this, what else has he lied to me about?
Chapter Seventeen
‘Ready to go proper shopping?’ Sadie is standing on the doorstep, her car – complete with driver – idling at the kerb waiting to whisk us away to London for the day.
‘Ready.’ I flash her a quick smile, as I slide my new black American Express card into my bag. Rupert presented me with it a few days after I found out about his role in Angus turning me down, and although it feels like a guilt present, I accepted it without an argument.
‘Ooh, fancy,’ Sadie says as she watches me tuck my purse into my bag. ‘Rupert had some making up to do by the looks of things.’
I give her a look; not sure quite how much Rupert has told her about our argument the day after Miles’s birthday dinner. ‘No, not at all. He just knows I need to do some Christmas shopping, that’s all.’
Fatigue tugs at my bones, as I turn and scan the hallway, as if committing it to memory. Rupert has been home late every night for the past few weeks, and several times the phone has rung late in the evening, only for there to be no one there when I answer it. Every time I answer with a brisk hello, without giving my name, I am met with a yawning chasm of dead air, punctuated only by the sound of the other person’s breathing. Breathing that I have convinced myself sounds like Harry, although of course I can’t be sure of it. It never happens when Rupert is in the house, only when I am alone, and I have found myself lying awake at night, willing the phone to ring so that Rupert can answer it and I won’t sound mad when I tell him it’s been happening regularly. The idea that Harry knows where I am, that he knows when I am alone… that all he has to do is pick up the phone and dial a number and he is there, battering his way into this safe haven I have created for myself, makes my heart race and my skin prickle with fear and anxiety.
Satisfied that everything is as it should be, that if I came home and something was out of place I would know, I usher Sadie out and tug the front door closed, checking it twice, then again that the door is double locked.
‘All set?’ Sadie asks, as I turn and look over the front of the house, making sure all the front windows are closed.
‘All set,’ I say with a small smile, as the telephone starts to ring behind the tightly locked door.
Hours later, we are in the café at Harrods, a superfood salad in front of each of us, along with a glass of champagne. I would rather have had the cinnamon apple braffle – a Harrods speciality – but when Sadie ordered a salad, I felt I had to do the same. I pick at it listlessly, not enjoying the combination of beetroot and goat’s cheese. I realize that Sadie has picked out her goat’s cheese and left it to one side, so I don’t feel so guilty about doing the same. My feet are throbbing, my Am Ex has taken a beating, but I would still rather be sitting here, with a lunch I don’t want to eat, than be at home on my own.
‘Is everything all right, Emily?’ Sadie takes a sip of her champagne, still looking as immaculate as she did when she picked me up. Her black bob is still sleek and her make-up perfect, whereas when I went to the Ladies I had to smooth down my curls and lick my finger to get rid of the slight smudge of mascara that was under my eyes. ‘You seem a little… I don’t know – subdued, maybe? Not your usual bubbly self.’
I take a deep breath and fork a mouthful of salad into my mouth to buy myself a few seconds before I respond. Do I really want to confide in Sadie? She has been a lot nicer to me recently than she was at first, but I am still aware that she has been friends with Rupert for a long time. ‘Yes, of course. I’m fine.’ But as I speak my eyes fill with tears and a wave of tiredness washes over me.
‘Oh?’ Sadie raises an eyebrow, before she reaches over and scoops up my hand, holding it tightly. ‘Your face rather says otherwise. Darling, you can tell me. I’m always here if you need to talk. Caro and I always used to talk about things, get them off our chests. What seems to be the matter?’
‘I think I’m just being silly,’ I say, blinking rapidly. ‘Things have happened since the wedding that feel a little… off. I don’t know, I think maybe I’m going mad.’ I force out a breath that could be taken for a huff of laughter.
‘Try me,’ Sadie says, pushing her plate to one side. ‘And you never know, it might help to get things off your chest.’
‘I keep feeling as though someone has been in the house,’ I say bluntly, the words tumbling out in a rush. ‘I first felt it when we came home from honeymoon, but Rupert just put it down to Amanda taking care of the house. Of course, it felt as though someone had been in there.’ I carry on, seeing Caro’s face smiling out from her wedding photo in pride of place on the mantelpiece.
‘Perhaps the cleaner put it out? She might not have realized what she was doing.’
‘Really?’ I look at her incredulously. ‘No, it wasn’t Anya. And it definitely felt as though someone had been in the house that day. I was showering and I just got that feeling that I wasn’t alone.’ I wait a moment, before deciding to tell Sadie everything. I might as well, now she knows this much. ‘And there have been calls.’
‘What do you mean, calls?’ Sadie asks.
‘Dropped calls, calls where nobody speaks, just breaths down the line. It never happens when Rupert is there, only when I’m on my own, and always late at night. I’m so on edge, I jump out of my skin every time the telephone rings. And then there are the text messages.’
‘Text messages?’
I reel off the messages, knotting my fingers together as I picture the photograph of me, my sash loose around my body as I rush fearfully down a deserted street in Bristol.
‘Oh my God, Em. Have you told Rupert about it?’
‘I tried,’ I sigh, fiddling with my wedding ring, aware that it is looser on my finger than it was three months ago. ‘I told him how I felt and he just kind of… brushed it aside. Said I was imagining things. He said he’d been through it all before with Caro.’
‘Oh. I see.’ Sadie waves over the waiter and orders another two glasses of champagne. ‘Listen, I can sort of see his point. Caro was… He had some difficult times with Caro, and it’s probably hard for him to deal with it. Maybe you shouldn’t tell him about it, not unless you have proof that you can show him. Do you sti
ll have the text messages?’
‘No, I deleted them. I should have kept them, shouldn’t I? I feel like such an idiot, but honestly, Sadie, it made me feel ill just to know that they were on my phone.’
‘Look, without actual proof it’s going to be hard to make Rupert listen. I’m not dismissing it, Emily, you know I would never do that, but I think perhaps you are reading a little too much into things, when there are perfectly reasonable explanations. The calls could just be a wrong number… the photo could have been put up by the cleaner—’ she holds up a hand before I can speak, ‘no, I know you disagree, but you haven’t actually asked her, have you? How are you sleeping?’
‘I’m barely sleeping at all at the moment, and not just because I’m worried about things.’ I swat at my cheeks, at the tear that runs slowly down my face. ‘It’s just so hard, Sadie. The whole marriage thing. I don’t mean to sound cruel, but it’s difficult for us to make a life together when Caro is everywhere. I feel like I’m constantly battling her ghost.’
‘But Rupert doesn’t talk about her that much, does he?’ Sadie leans in close, her perfectly groomed eyebrows meeting in concern.
‘It’s not that. She’s just left reminders everywhere. Like, on our honeymoon, I know he’d been to the island before, but I’m sure he’d been to the restaurant we ate at, too, presumably with Caro. Just from a few little things that he let slip… the maître d’ seemed to know him, and he commented that the menu was amazing before we’d even seen it.’
‘He could have googled it, to be fair.’
‘He could, but I just got the feeling that he was familiar with the place. I waited and waited for him to say something and he didn’t. And he’s just a bit distant sometimes, I suppose, compared to when we were first dating.’
Sadie looks as though she’d like to say something before she smiles and moves on. ‘Look, marriage is difficult. It wasn’t all plain sailing for Rupert and Caro either, you know.’
