by H. T. Night
“I’m not going to argue with you about that. You’re speaking my language, brother. I’m chilled here with the big boxes of baby beds and bags of sheets and blankets and baby pacifiers and other crapola. You can leave the ring, too. I think it’ll look pretty on my pinky finger.”
“Nope. Safe right here.” I patted my front pocket where I placed the ring. I was going to keep it on my person until I proposed. I still had no idea how I would do that part. It would be almost impossible to do it before she gave birth, but I thought it should be beforehand. Maybe I was being selfish, but I want to do the proposal right. Not just hand her a ring while she was lying on her back with her legs up in stirrups, getting ready to deliver the boys. The hard way.
I hurried down the parking lot row and made my way to my white truck. As I approached my white truck, I was suddenly taken aback. I stopped and stared at my vehicle. It was completely torn up with scratches. It had been keyed about a thousand times. Someone had scraped their keys all over my paint job. Whoever it was put over $4,000 worth of paint and body damage on my truck. I stood there dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to do or what to think. I was pretty sure I knew who did this. I thought he would cool off and just go on with his life. Boy, was I wrong.
Then I heard a loud honk from the other side of the parking lot. It was Mr. Douche Bag in his giant blue truck. He waved to me and shot me his middle finger. Then he took off out of the parking lot in a loud screech.
Classic dipshit! Oh, hell no.
I looked around and didn’t see anyone around me and just reacted the only way I knew how. I transitioned into the great white eagle and darted across the parking lot on high pursuit after ‘big blue.’
The truck went down to the first light and turned left on a side street that was a long desert road.
I tried to give the guy a chance, I thought.
I tried to be a decent guy in the situation, but he couldn’t let it go. But... I was tired of beating people up. Yes, I said it. Look, kicking ass has a time and place. This guy deserved an elegant ass-whipping. However, I had a better idea. I flew like a missile down the street. I caught up to the truck. I was right outside his window on the left side of his incredulous vehicle.
I smacked my beak on his window to get his attention. He looked over at me and nearly sent his truck over the side of the road at the sight of me. As he swerved to the right, he caught control of his steering wheel. He sped up to try to get away from this eagle that was ready to get majorly up close and personal with this road-rage asshole.
Again, I darted down the road and caught up to him. I smacked my beak on his window once again. He looked over at me. I stared him in the eye. He was absolutely horrified. He had no clue what was happening.
Now, this is where I was going to make things interesting. I decided to transition into my vampire form and continue to fly next to his truck. As he looked at me, his face was priceless, watching this blonde, pale-faced man fly at the same speed as his truck; speeds that were around 80 miles per hour, blazing down this dirt road in the dead of night. Being that it was so dark, I could tell that he was thinking his eyes were playing tricks on him. So, this is where I made things even more fun. I transitioned back and forth from eagle to vampire. Each time I was in my vampire form, I would wave at him and smile, but close-mouthed, without my fangs showing. He was terrified. And, oh, but this was fun!
After miles of my pursuit, apparently, he couldn’t take it anymore. He slowed his car to a stop and locked his doors. He left his brights on. I flashed over to the front of his truck. I decided to float up, giving me the appearance of an angelic aura.
“License and registration, please,” I said, in as spooky a voice as I could muster up.
“Are you kidding me?” the guy called out.
“Let me see your license!”
“Seriously?” he asked, not sure what he should do.
With my left hand, I made a power motion toward his passenger side mirror and with my telekinesis, I shattered his mirror from about ten feet away just using my hand motion.
He looked at his window and nearly shit his pants. “What the fuck? Okay, okay, I’ll get my license.”
Reaching into his pocket, he took out his license and showed it to me. “Put it up to the window, so I can make sure who you are.” I looked at his license. His name was Peter Cram.
“Just what I thought,” I said.
“What?” he asked.
“I’m dealing with Petie Cram,” I said, still in character.
“No one has called me Petie since I was a kid.”
“Don’t you think I knew that!” I yelled at him from outside his window. I was not entirely messing with him. Now, this is where I was going to take it to another level.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I was assigned to you until you were eight years old,” I said, floating in front of his truck in my best ghost-like motion.
“Assigned to me?” he asked loudly. I was still floating up, giving the appearance that I was a spirit ghost, or an angel. Angel was good.
“Peter Cram,” I said. “I have just been reassigned to you.”
“Aren’t you the guy that owns the white truck?”
“Unfortunately, I gave you a test and you failed. Not only did you act like a prick, you keyed your guardian angel’s spiritual vehicle.”
“It didn’t feel spiritual. It felt like a real...”
“Silence! I have a couple of choices here. I could just say your life is damned, and there is no hope for you and let you live out the remainder of your days in a pitiful existence.”
“Or?” he asked.
“Or, I can start to watch over you and give you another chance at this life.”
“I like that second choice,” he begged.
“Of course you do. I want you to do three things, and then I’ll think about watching over you, so you might have a chance.”
“What are they? I’ll do anything.”
“I want you to donate $4,000 to a children’s charity. That is about as much damage you put on the vehicle back at the mall.”
“You said the vehicle wasn’t real.”
“It’s the principle. Eye for an eye. The second thing is, I want whatever family that is in your life to have the best Christmas they’ve ever had. I want you to make everybody around you feel special and loved. Can you do that?”
“Of course. I’m not a complete dick. I love my wife and kids. What’s the third thing?”
“Trade in this big truck for something... less macho. Seriously, man. This truck is ridiculous. Would you do all three things?”
“Yes, I will. Is a Lexus GS460 okay, because I need a vehicle to get up to the family cabin in the summer.”
“Okay, that is a fine vehicle. Then your life will have a chance.” With that, I flew upward and out of his vision and flew my way back to my key-scratched truck.
I jumped in my vehicle and drove over to Tommy at the front of the mall. He gave me a look that pretty much said, “What the hell took you so long?”
I replied, “I went to see a man about a truck.” Then he saw my truck and shook his head. He put the crib boxes in the back and jumped in the passenger seat and said, “Big blue did this?”
“It looks like it.”
“Let’s go find his ass and teach him a lesson that he won’t forget.”
“Way ahead of you, brother. I’m way ahead of you.”
Chapter Seven
When we arrived back, Tommy and I spent the next four hours fumbling over the instructions for putting the crib together.
We had cleaned out the game room downstairs earlier in the month to make a nursery. The nursery was right next to Tommy’s room, which I thought was comic perfection. Let him hear the babies crying first. It was the ultimate revenge for all of the times he had awakened me in the middle of the night to go train at the gym, when no one was there.
Hector jumped into the mix and helped out and finally, the three of us got
the two cribs assembled and set up in the nursery. They were strong and sturdy. We even put the sheets on and arranged little blankets on the shelf. I threw a 90-pack of newborn-size Huggies in the closet.
Hector, Tommy and I high-fived each other. We were pretty proud of ourselves. It’s remarkable how doing something like this is just in man’s DNA, even if the man is a vampire.
I went up to the bedroom, and Lena was asleep. Her body had been through a lot over the past nine months. I was worried about her. I had never seen her so sickly, which was an unusual predicament for me because she was carrying my children. I walked over to her and kissed her head. “I love you, babydoll.” Lena didn’t seem to want to wake up. She was even snoring a bit. I was nervous about proposing to her and I decided to go find Yari and have a talk with her.
***
Yari was in the backyard in the Jacuzzi.
I usually avoided her when she was back there alone because she had no problem grabbing at me and overtly flirting with me. I think because she was with me first, before Lena. If there was such a thing as a Mani cherry, Yari had gotten mine. Therefore, she seemed to feel that she had a free crack to touch my junk whenever she saw fit and shamefully, I had never put the kibosh on her wandering hands. If Lena only knew how often of an occurrence that actually was, she would probably ban me from talking to Yari at all. I lied to myself and told myself that I would keep Yari’s naughty roaming hands under control, and just make sure that it was always playful. Tonight, however, I had a few questions for her. And I needed to tell her that there would be no more of her hands on my junk.
I slipped out the back and walked over to Yari in the hot tub. She was wearing a devilishly sexy two-piece bathing suit and stood up for a moment, to show me. It was a crazy tiny bikini, in fact, so small that the bottoms were like dental floss between her perfect butt cheeks and the top was barely covering her nipples. My Lena was sick and bloated with two kids in her right now. And Yari just oozed sexuality, and it was so blatant that she nearly purred when she saw me and teased the hell out of me by showing me her dental floss bikini bottoms. She knew how much of an ass-man I am, damn her. I still had an attraction toward her, but I was a one-woman kind of guy. I was a monogamist. Sure was. Yari had an on-again, off-again thing with Cyrus, and I thought that whenever it was off again was when she was more frisky with me and took liberties with my junk. So, I decided to lead with that topic. “Hey, Yari, where’s Cyrus?”
“Who?” she laughed, looking up at me.
“You know, your boy toy for over a year now.”
“It has been exhausting, hasn’t it? He is so needy. And you’re darn right about the boy part.”
“Is he needy, or is it you?” I asked. “As I recall, you two seem to need each other equally.”
“Oh, Josiah. You know you boys are just like party favors that I like to play with to bide my time.”
“So, I guess it’s an off-again situation?”
“It is what it is. He’s been acting odd lately. A little distant. I think he likes for me to chase after him. Boy, does he have another think coming.”
“I think all of us aren’t sure what to make of the situation we’re all in. We have a house full of vampires and now werewolves. Not to mention that right outside the house is an underground bunker—one that’s bigger than most malls—filled with the toughest men in the world.”
“I do need to go down there more often. It must be like a candy store down there. I need to go get some free samples of Mani machismo. See who the flavor of the month is going to be now.”
“It does surprise me that you don’t spend more time down there,” I laughed.
“There is just too much to choose from. It makes my head spin,” Yari laughed.
“So, cut Cyrus some slack. It’s easy to get lost in the mix around here. And you are intimidating, as a Mani and as a woman.”
“You’re preaching to the choir. You’re the Chosen One and you got Lena pregnant. How do you think that makes the rest of the men feel? Inadequate, right?” Yari swam across to where I was standing. I decided to sit cross-legged on the concrete deck, right next to the hot tub, so we could talk face to face.
“Any word on Krull?” Yari asked.
“Just my dreams. My dreams are pretty weird lately. It’s going to go down tremendously soon. I need to make sure all of us are ready for the battle.”
Yari smiled at me in her typical flirty fashion. “So, why do I have the pleasure of this one-on-one time, with the almighty high Josiah?”
“Don’t act that way. You will always be extremely dear to me. You know that.”
“Do I? These conversations are far and between. Some days, I wonder if you even remember that I exist.”
“Yari, I don’t see the need to make sure that you and I are cool because you’re the queen of this place. You have more clout around here than I do.”
“I doubt that. Chosen One.”
“Well, you have a lot of clout with me. You watched over me when I didn’t even know any better.”
“Trust me, I didn’t know any better myself. I just thought I was stalking a guy with a hot bod. I had to protect my interest from harm.”
“You knew what you were doing when you kicked ass to save me.” I smiled at my friend and rose up on my knees, so I could reach into my pocket. “I want to show you something.”
“Thank God. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that beautiful package of yours.”
“Well, it’s not exactly that, but it is a beautiful package.” I reached in my pocket and pulled out the little black velvet box that Lena’s engagement ring was in. I flipped it open and showed Yari the ring. She looked at it and simply said, “That’s a fantastic ring, Josiah. Can I take it out?”
“Sure.”
“Yari reached in with her wet hand and pulled out the ring and put it on her left-hand, ring finger. “This is so unbelievable, and my answer is ‘yes.’”
I gave her a quick look of shock, but she quickly gave me a wink. “Just kidding. Lena is going to love it, Josiah.”
“You think?”
“She’s a lucky girl... Not only does she get that hearty sausage of yours, she now has a fat diamond ring to go with it.”
“I wish the sausage was enough. It sure is a hell of a lot cheaper to give.” I laughed.
“I bet it is.”
“I guess this means that your package is off limits to me from now on?”
“That’s right, Yari. I came down here to tell you that.”
She sighed heavily. “Figured that out when I saw the box. I get it. No more fondling the Chosen One’s big, silky goods. No more ass grabbing. No sexual innuendo. After tonight.”
“Thanks for understanding. If I am going to be married, I have to respect her more than I have been. I have been sleeping with her and letting you flirt with me and touch me, everywhere you wanted to, because it felt so good and because I like you so much. I should have but I haven’t told you to stop.”
“Until now,” Yari said.
“Right. You got it. Please stop.”
She held up her hand with the ring on it. I took the ring off of Yari’s hand and put it back in the box.
“You’re disgustingly moral, Josiah.”
“Trying to be,” I said. “I do have a question for you.”
“Go for it.” Yari swam to the other side of the hot tub, rejected.
“How should I do it?”
“Propose to her?” Yari asked.
“Not necessarily that, I’m talking about actual marriage. I have never heard of two Mani getting married.”
Yari smiled. “We are blatant whores, aren’t we? Male or female. It’s just all about the next fight, feeding or fuck.”
“Geez, Yari. So crude. I’m not saying that. I’m asking if there is a special way of doing things, like Kevin Costner did in Dancing with Wolves. He had to have a Sioux wedding. Is there something similar with the Mani?”
“There is only one way to get a
blessing from the Triat in regards of marriage between two Mani.”
“Which is what?” I asked.
“Your union needs to be conducted by a Mani with high stature; someone who is either equal to or higher than yours. The only way you can truly get married, Josiah, is that you need to conduct your own marriage ceremony, because no one here is on the same plane as you. You’re royalty.”
“I can’t bless my own marriage.”
“You’re right, you can’t. That only means one thing. Their only a few Mani qualified to perform it. Atticai, Krull, and possibly Helen. I don’t see Krull exactly setting aside a date for your wedding. So your best chance is Atticai.”
“Atticai! It seems that I am always up shit creek without a paddle when I hear that name. Why not the Deity? At least there is no bad mojo there.”
“She isn’t allowed to perform marriage ceremonies. It’s not her deal.”
“Well, what about you, Yari? It would be pretty poetic if you did it. It would be as if we came full circle.”
“Me?” Yari laughed out loud. “Not quite. I’m sort of the antithesis when it comes to monogamy. Plus, I’m nowhere near your stature. Don’t mistake confidence with prominence. Atticai is your best bet to get the two of you hitched, Mani style.”
“Seriously?”
“Unless you think Krull is down for love.”
“Krull just wants to kill me outright. I’m going to need to grovel once again to Atticai. I swear this is getting old. Needing him.”
“I have heard he isn’t doing well. He is in some kind of hermity funk. He is still at that ranch where he was living a while back. He has pretty much cut himself off from everyone. Who knows, maybe this might be something he would want to do. You know, give him some purpose.”
“We’re talking about Atticai. I doubt that providing my happiness is a purpose that Atticai would be excited about.”
“Never hurts to ask. Why don’t you peel off those clothes and hop in here? It’s been a while. Yari needs some tenderness.”
“Sorry, girl. I’m faithful.”
“I know you are. But I do enjoy giving you a chubby. I just want to see the magic, one last time. I won’t even touch you. I’ll just strip for you and touch myself while you watch.” She looked down at my groin and smiled.
