by Lexi Blake
“So the company de Vries was working for panicked when they figured it out,” Serena surmised. “And they sent his group after Johann.”
“Who tried to get away, but got caught a few miles from my clinic. They shot him, but Johann wouldn’t give up the hiding place,” Steph explained. “At some point he gave the thumb drive to Alfi. When they couldn’t find it, they decided I had it since I was the one who treated Johann, and I ran. They took Anya and came after me. Luckily, I had friends and those friends had big guns and are paranoid about where their people are. I think if Tucker hadn’t done what he did, I would be dead now.”
“No, you wouldn’t,” Serena assured her. “Adam would have found you. He was tracking the van you were in. That’s why he went in early this morning. He complained about that, too. He’d already tracked you down to south Dallas when they figured out they could use Tucker’s tracking device. Another hour and he would have known where you were.”
So she would have been saved no matter what. It had all been for nothing. And according to Fedor, he’d planned on killing de Vries himself.
It had been foolish to think she could save her son and her lover. “Well, that’s good to know. It doesn’t matter much now. Brody won’t even talk to me.”
Avery threw her a sympathetic glance. “Give him time. It was a rough day, and many men need time to switch from warrior mode to backyard barbecue party mode.”
Numb. She felt so damn numb.
“Not me, my darlin’.” Li kissed the top of his wife’s forehead as he walked past her. He had a massive platter of all kinds of meat in his left hand. There were hamburgers and hot dogs and chicken breasts all ready to be cooked on the grill outside. Naturally, Jake required a carnivorous birthday party. “It was an excellent exercise, but I’ve already forgotten the whole first half of the day. That was work. Now it’s time to play. I’m ready for beer and burgers, and hopefully not getting up at dawn’s asshole to go to work.”
Avery sent him a pointed look. “Well, I’m glad you’re good, but some of our friends are having trouble. Have you forgotten you dropped Tucker off with Kai?”
“Is he going to be okay?” Steph practically leapt at the chance to worry about someone other than herself. She wasn’t exactly sure what had happened, but Tucker had been quiet, almost haunted by what de Vries had said.
Of course, he hadn’t been the only one who had stared blankly ahead during the ride home, as though the day had been far too much for him.
Brody hadn’t looked at her during the hour it took for the CIA team to clean everything up, load up the dead and the living, and head off for wherever they intended to do the rest of their covert job. It had been made easier since Fedor owned the warehouse and had been more than willing to cooperate in exchange for not being renditioned to a foreign country and tortured for information he might or might not have. Ezra had left much of the cleanup to Fedor and his band of happy mobsters while the McKay-Taggart crew had bandaged up their minor injuries, gone back to the office for a debrief, and then all gotten ready for the birthday party.
Brody had done everything asked of him, but not once had he come over and requested to help her. He’d stayed across the building while she and Anya had dealt with the wounded.
When the time had come to walk away, she’d hugged Anya, and Brody had been there waiting for her. He’d loomed over her like he expected her to run at the first opportunity. When she’d reached for his hand, he’d switch to holding her elbow. It made her feel like a prisoner. He’d sat beside her during the debrief, not speaking a word or really looking at her. He’d looked through her, like she wasn’t there at all.
She’d tried to talk to him afterward but he’d told her it had to wait. She’d been bundled into a car with Erin and Alex while Brody had gone with the other men. He was in the guesthouse, and she wasn’t sure she would be welcome if she went down there.
Now she found herself in the midst of a happy party. It was surreal. She’d gone from a chaotic warzone to this perfect suburban paradise where kids were splashing in the pool, moms were putting together the last-minute details, and dads were sipping beers and watching over everything with indulgent smiles. Every time the door opened she could hear the sounds of party music and kids squealing in delight.
“Tucker will be fine.” Li stepped toward the door that led out to the spectacular backyard. “I don’t care what de Vries said. There’s zero way Tucker had anything to do with Dr. McDonald. He was wrong or he was lying to try to sow chaos. Kai is going to make the lad see that everything is all right. And don’t worry about Brody. My pretty lady here is correct. You gave him a huge scare and he’s processing. Take him a beer, sit in his lap, and he’ll come around. That is if you want him to come around.”
“Of course I do.” She wanted it more than anything. All she’d been able to think about when de Vries had her in the maze was getting back to Brody and Nate. “I love Brody. I always have.”
She simply hadn’t thought she deserved him. Maybe she still didn’t, but maybe that didn’t matter anymore. He’d made his choice. He’d gotten into bed with her and offered her something she’d never known before.
Perhaps when he came out for the party, she would have a chance to talk to him.
“Then you have to fight for him. He’s been fighting for you for days. I think it’s your turn now.” Li kissed Avery again. “Wish me luck. I think this job is more dangerous than the one I did earlier. I’m going to have to dodge bloody bees. Serena’s bushes seem to be home for a damn colony of them. I’ve avoided getting stung this long in my life, I’d like to keep it up.”
He strode out the door.
“Sorry about the bees. They really are bad right now. Jake got stung mowing the yard. But you have to know that Liam’s right,” Serena said as she passed Avery the pepper. “You have to fight for Brody now. Men are actually quite fragile creatures. You running away the way you did hurt him. I saw him this morning when he realized you were gone. He was in shock.”
“You not only hurt him,” Avery added. “You scared him. You probably scare him every day. The same way you scare me.”
“Scare you?” She rocked Nate, holding him close. Getting to cuddle him had been the first time she’d felt good all day long. She’d hoped that when they were safe, the three of them would cuddle together, a family bonding moment. Brody had checked on Nate, but then he’d gone straight to the guesthouse. “How do I scare you?”
Avery sighed, exchanging glances with Serena, whom she seemed to have some silent language with. Serena picked up the bacon ranch cheese ball she’d been working on.
“I’ll leave you two to talk, but Steph, you should know you’re welcome to stay in the guesthouse as long as you need to.”
She grimaced. With Brody seemingly unwilling to talk to her, she’d been ruminating for hours on what she would do in the next few days. “I think I have to consider going back to my clinic.”
Serena stopped as though the idea shocked her, but she took a deep breath and seemed to let it go. “Well, just know you’re always welcome. We’ll eat pretty soon and the cake is coming out in an hour or so.”
Serena opened the door, the sounds of the party breaking through the quiet contemplation of the kitchen. Steph could hear kids splashing in the shallow end of the pool. She caught a glimpse of Big Tag in a pair of board shorts soaking in the sun while his two girls and Aidan treated him like a jungle gym.
That was joy and happiness right there. Not a one of those kids thought twice about whether they were loved. They were surrounded by laughter and joy. By the family their parents had made for them.
Could she give that to Nate? She hadn’t tried to make a family. Avery was the one who had to call even though Steph thought of her every day. Would she pass on her isolation to Nate? Would he grow up lonely and unsure of his place in the world?
Or could she change if she wanted to?
The door closed and the room went quiet again.
�
��You’re seriously thinking about taking Nate back to Africa?” Avery asked. “You work around the clock most days. And how will he go to school?”
Shit. This was a serious talk. Avery had asked the question with a bit of annoyance entering her tone. She was never annoyed, and Steph realized this might be a turning point. Had she always been waiting for this in the back of her head? Had she always wondered when Avery would dump her for being too difficult?
What would she do without Avery?
“I have to go back. I’ve made a life there.” It wasn’t much of one, but it was all she had.
“Have you? Or have you hidden out there?” Avery put the bowl to the side and gave Steph all her attention. “I think we need to discuss what I meant all those years ago. I told you you owed me a life.”
“You told me I owed you two lives.” She looked down at Nate, unwilling to meet Avery’s eyes. He was so beautiful. He was the best thing she’d ever done and she had to wonder if he wouldn’t be better off with his father now that Brody seemed to be done with her. How would they share custody if they were on two different continents? It wouldn’t be like most separated couples. They couldn’t carve up the week between them.
The idea of living like they were divorced made her ache. She hadn’t even gotten the joys of being married.
Avery put a hand on her belly as she looked at Steph, intent plain in her stare. “Yes. Two lives. Not two walking deaths. Not a lifetime of aching martyrdom. Maybe in the beginning I did mean you should go out and give of yourself selflessly. I’m not such a Pollyanna that I didn’t want you to hurt back then. You should feel it. But Steph, there’s a time to feel guilt and a time to move past it and honor the lives that were lost by living. I’m changing our deal and yes, I get to do that. You owe me two lives. You owe me enough love and laughter and joy for two lives, and that means you have to change your mindset. You have to change it because you have to teach that baby how to live. And part of living is figuring out when to not give up.”
Nate was staring up into her eyes. Such perfect love and trust. “I’ve been wondering if Nate wouldn’t be better off in London.”
Avery smiled. “Yes. Yes, I think you could be happy there. And don’t think you can’t find good work to do. You know you could still work for organizations that help Third World countries, but Nate would have a stable life with family around him. And The Garden is a truly magical place. I can’t imagine you going back to Africa as a single mom. What would you do if you had to deal with an outbreak?”
She’d always had a plan in place. She’d intended to send Nate to Avery and Liam if there was an outbreak. Perhaps in the back of her mind, she’d thought that was for the best, too. Steph held her baby close. Why was she eager to leave him? It broke her heart—even the thought of not being with him killed her.
She was punishing herself again and she was tired of it.
Maybe the best way to deal with it was to admit it. She would tell Avery what she’d been thinking, admit that she was right back in that place where she punished herself, and Avery would help her find a way out. She didn’t want to leave her son and she didn’t want to give up on Brody. The truth was she hadn’t even tried with him yet. Not in an honest fashion. “I wasn’t talking about staying in London with him, Avery. You’re being far too optimistic. I was talking about giving him to Brody and letting him raise Nate.”
“I think that might be for the best.”
She gasped because that hadn’t been Avery. She turned and Brody was behind her, a grim resolve on his face.
Avery’s eyes had gone wide as she looked over at Brody. “She didn’t mean that.”
“Oh, I think she did.” Brody set down the small bag he’d shown up with.
He’d packed? He was ready to go? Naturally he’d walked in when she’d said the one thing she couldn’t defend.
“You have to understand,” Avery began.
Brody cut her off. “I understand quite well and I think I should have this conversation with Steph, please. Could we have a moment?”
“It’s okay, Avery.” She slipped off the barstool. Nate had perked up at the sound of his father’s voice. His tiny fist came out of the blanket she’d wrapped him in as though trying to reach out for him. How close they’d gotten in so few days, as though their souls had recognized each other at first glance.
“Steph, don’t forget what I said. Please, this is your whole future.” Avery picked up the potato salad and walked out back.
It was. Her future. Had she stopped thinking about it? The future, that was. When she’d been a kid, the future was all she could think about. She’d made plans. She’d been the only girl in her high school who’d carried around a massive day planner and eagerly bought the next year’s as soon as it became available. She’d had five-year plans. Ten-year plans.
And then she’d had to get through each moment separately and with no surety that she would survive the next.
She was still there, still slogging through each moment as if the accident had happened yesterday. As if her pain and guilt was something she needed to hold on to because if she let it go for one second, she might find herself being happy.
“I’m sorry, Brody.” She should have talked to him. After what she’d seen happen today, she realized how foolish she’d been to think they couldn’t protect her.
If they were going to be a family, Brody had the right to know she would be honest with him, that she wouldn’t make life or death decisions without him.
“I’m sorry, too.”
He looked grim and she hated that she’d put that expression on his face. He wasn’t grim. Most of the time he was laughing and happy. For all his height and muscle, he was a gentle soul.
“I should have talked to you.” Maybe if she explained what had happened, he would try to understand. “I should have told you what was said that night.”
“I’m sure they threatened you. Either Fedor himself or one of his men,” he replied. “I’m sure they got you alone for a few minutes and told you all the terrible things they would do. Well, not do to you, of course. You wouldn’t care about yourself at all. I’m sure they threatened Nate. I’m sure they gave you some song and dance about how they would come after your baby and they wouldn’t stop.”
So he did understand and he was still standing there looking at her with cold eyes. “Yes, he said he would kill Nate and you. He said he would take out everyone I loved.”
He put a hand up. “Leave me out of this, Steph. Got nothing to do with me.”
How could he think that? She had to tell him how she felt. She had to be brave for once, and that meant telling him the truth. “Of course it does, Brody. I love you. I couldn’t stand the thought of someone killing you.”
He sighed. “You have no idea how much I wanted to hear those words come out of your mouth at one point. For over a year, really. I dreamed about you saying those sweet words to me. I walked away because I was afraid of you. I also thought I wasn’t good enough, but I’m over that. I could have been good for you if you had let me. I could have loved you, Steph.”
Could have? Her chest constricted. “I said I was sorry. Can’t you see I was afraid? I was afraid of losing you.”
Weariness was stamped on his handsome face. “Yeah, I can understand that, but I’ve figured something out. Love takes bravery, and I don’t know that either one of us is brave enough to do it. I was so damn scared when he had you. I knew I would die if you did, but now I wonder how often you’ll put me in that position. How many times will I have to watch you sacrifice yourself for someone you don’t even know because, at the end of the day, what you really want is to go out in a blaze of glory so you can make up for something that no one blames you for anymore.”
“I’m working on that.” She could feel the tears well in her eyes. “I am. I even promised Tucker I would see someone about it. I want to get better. I love you, Brody, and I love Nate. I want to be better for the two of you.”
She watched him
almost falter, saw the way his hand came out. He pulled it back before it touched her own.
“I’m glad to hear that, but I think we need time. I’m going to stay with Kai for a day or two until Tucker’s ready to head home. I think I should take Nate with me if you’re planning on going back to Africa. Alfi said he would go with you if you wanted to get the clinic back up and running. I think you’ll have better funds, too, if the way Anya was yelling at her brother was any indication. You’ll have to talk to Big Tag about it, but he cut a deal to keep the Ukrainians out of Ezra’s hands. I think part of it was money for your work.”
Once that would have meant everything to her, but now she couldn’t care less. She’d been going back to Africa because she didn’t know anything else. Wasn’t it time to try? He was right. She needed to be brave. “I want to come with you.”
He grimaced. “I don’t know that’s a good idea. If you want to stay here in the States, then we can work something out. Maybe I could see about transferring to the Dallas office. I want to be in my son’s life.”
He’d put the emphasis on the word son. Not her life. Nate’s. She could see it play out in her head. They would carve up Nate’s time and see each other in those brief moments of pick up or drop off. Eventually Brody would find someone not as broken as she was and he would start a life. She would have to watch it all and know it could have been hers if she’d been braver or stronger. If she hadn’t screwed up her whole life.
How could she lose him now? How could she have just figured out what she truly wanted only to lose him? “I don’t understand, Brody. You know I didn’t ask you to come here. You did that yourself. You came here and you’re the one who made me believe we could have something.”
His face flushed but it was obvious he wasn’t about to back down. “I was wrong. I thought we could have something too, but I was bloody well wrong. If we had something, you wouldn’t have lied to me. You wouldn’t have run away. Tell me something, Stephanie. Did you think you would see us again? Did you think you were going to die?”
