by Ginn Hale
Javier ran a hand through Kiram's hair as Kiram studied his face. He looked flushed and handsome. Kiram couldn't imagine anyone seeming more precious to him than Javier did now.
"So, now I'm truly bent," Javier murmured.
"But not broken." Kiram searched Javier's distant expression for a sign of what their passion had cost him.
"No." Javier released a slow breath and then offered Kiram a tired smile. "Not broken. Satisfied."
Relief flooded Kiram and he grinned.
"Good, because I'm tapped." Kiram closed his eyes. "You want more you're going to have to do it yourself."
Javier laughed in reply, which Kiram thought was a lovely sound. Then he felt Javier's lips brush his brow.
They slept, entwined and sated.
Chapter Fourteen
A few hours later a knock at the door woke Kiram. Moonlight lit the room and the air felt cool. He rose, wrapped a fallen towel around his body, and cracked the door open. Gold lamplight flared in from the hall, illuminating the scowling face of his brother, Majdi.
"Are you waiting for a written invitation to dinner? Maybe something inscribed on a golden tablet and inlaid with pearls?"
"Could you lower your voice? Javier's sleeping. He's had an exhausting day. We both did."
"I've heard. A nasty run in between your lovers at the Civic Gymnasium." His eyes flickered to Kiram's bed and Javier's naked body. "Speaking of your lover…It looks like you two have certainly kept busy."
"It's not my fault if you're jealous." Kiram refused to admit embarrassment, though his face felt warm. "So I'm going back to bed now."
"I imagine you'd like to." Majdi caught the door before Kiram could close it. "But what do you want me to tell our dear mum? You and Lord Tornesal have fucked yourselves into a stupor and can't come down? That might just give your game away, don't you think?"
Kiram conceded that Majdi had a point. "Tell her that we ate meringues at Mother Bahoush's sweet shop and now both of us feel ill."
Majdi raised his brows. "Slanderous, but clever. I'll tell her, but you can't keep this up and expect no one to notice. Word is going to get around."
"I know."
Majdi smacked his hand lightly against the top of Kiram's head in a gesture that seemed as much a pat as a slap.
"You know, but you don't seem to understand," Majdi said seriously. "You must be careful. People are already talking about the tussle at the gymnasium and if word goes far enough it will get outside the Haldiim district."
"Javier and I didn't do anything at the gymnasium." Kiram stole a quick glance back to make sure Javier still slept. "Musni made an ass of himself and Javier misunderstood and thought he was assaulting me. Nothing came of it."
"Nothing but Musni drunk out of his senses and shouting that you suck Cadeleonian cock," Majdi responded.
Anger and hurt flared through Kiram at the thought of how easily Musni turned to maligning him.
"He was drunk. I don't think anyone will take Musni seriously. The Civic Guards certainly didn't."
Majdi seemed to consider this, then released a slow breath.
"I'm going back to bed," Kiram said.
"All right. Go to bed." Majdi shook his head. "I can't believe that you've turned out so stubborn. You used to be so cute and obliging."
"You used to be charming and indulgent," Kiram countered.
"And see where that's gotten me." Majdi headed for the stairs. "Sleep well and dream sweet dreams."
"Thankyou," Kiram whispered after him.
He locked the door and returned to Javier's side in the bed. He tried to sleep well, as Majdi had wished, but most of the night Javier tossed and turned so violently that Kiram kept waking. He whispered calming words, though Javier never fully woke.
"It's all right. It's just a dream."
Wearily, he rubbed Javier's back and Javier settled for a few more minutes before some new nightmare seemed to grip him. Then at last Kiram took off the lotus medallion Alizadeh had given him and slipped it onto Javier. Soon after Javier seemed to settle into a quiet sleep.
As Kiram at last drifted deep into his own dreams, Javier rose. The sudden absence of his body, as much as the shift of mattress, woke Kiram.
Cracking an eye, he studied the curve of Javier's bowed back as he sat on the edge of the bed. Faint predawn light filtered through the curtains, lending his skin a deathly pallor. Javier rubbed a hand over his eyes and then shoved his hair back from his face. What Kiram caught of his expression seemed haunted.
Kiram could guess why Javier was troubled but he didn't know how deeply and he couldn't keep from thinking of his uncle's Cadeleonian lover. One day training with a Bahiim and one night of sex couldn't erase a lifetime of Cadeleonian upbringing, no matter how much he or Javier might want it to.
Kiram remained silent as Javier rose and rinsed himself at Kiram's washbasin. Then he picked up Kiram's razor and contemplated the long blade. Kiram's heart raced and he almost called out, but then Javier very deliberately set the razor aside. He noticed Kiram's medallion beside his cheap Mirogoth charm and lifted it, running his thumb over the surface with something like affection in his expression.
As he turned back to the bed Kiram closed his eyes, relieved that Javier was returning. The mattress bowed and Kiram felt the lightest contact of Javier's lips against his brow. Then Javier withdrew again. He found his sword and gathered up the clothes he'd worn the day before.
"Are you serious?" Kiram asked. "You're really just going to get up and leave now?"
Javier started guiltily. "I thought you were still sleeping."
"Obviously." Kiram dragged himself upright. "Where are you going?"
"I want to take a walk. Maybe see the sunrise from the Ammej Bridge. It's supposed to be an inspiring sight, isn't it?"
"It's amazing at first light." Kiram made a groggy attempt at throwing his blankets aside, managed to flip the end of a quilt over his own face, and then simply slid off the bed. "Well, I'm ready to be newly amazed."
"Kiram, you don't have to-"
"Yes, I do." Kiram started to say how much he feared for Javier but then caught himself. Any concern he voiced would only sound condescending. "According to Atreau, it's a gentleman's duty to rise with his lover and offer endearing company." He yawned loudly. "And as I told you yesterday, I am gentleman."
"A gentleman and a scholar." A smile broke through Javier's grim expression. "Anyone could see that just looking at you."
Kiram ran a hand through the curling tangle of his hair and offered Javier a rude gesture. He said, "I refuse to be criticized by a man who isn't even wearing pants."
He staggered to his basin and rinsed his face. His hands felt too shaky to shave just yet. He found fresh clothing in his closet, then glanced to the sweat-soaked vest in Javier's hand.
"Your clothes will have been laundered and dried by now. They're probably in a basket in the hall."
Javier cracked the door and found his own clothes. Kiram stole glances at him while they both dressed. As Javier clothed himself in Cadeleonian long sleeves and heavy material his bearing changed. Reserve and formality returned. His motions became angular and precise as clockwork.
Out on the streets, only Civic Guards and bread vendors seemed to be awake and many of them looked nearly as groggy as Kiram felt. Kiram trailed Javier to the Ammej Bridge and silently watched the first rays of sun light up the red lacquer to a fiery brilliance. Amber inlays glowed like embers. Javier hardly seemed to notice. He stared out at the treetops of the Circle of Red Oaks. Kiram leaned on the bridge railings, half dozing and letting Javier think in peace.
Overhead, the sky turned luminous blue and the scent of cinnamon and mercantile noise of morning steadily filled the air. Vendors called out enticingly, offering goat milk and adhil bread, butter teas, sweet fish and fresh yoghurt. The spicy smell of adhil bread set Kiram's stomach growling. He glanced to Javier and found him staring back at him.
"What?" Kiram asked, suddenly startled.
"Enjoying the view," Javier replied, though Kiram could see the agitation underlying his smile.
"Really?" Kiram straightened and stretched. "You look like you're thinking about dismantling the view."
"What? No." Javier seemed genuinely surprised. "No, it's just…Everything seems different today."
"Different how?" Kiram asked.
Javier's expression grew troubled and he didn't respond right away. Anxiety slithered through Kiram's gut. He wondered if Javier would eventually come to hate him for what he'd done last night.
Javier said, "It's hard to put into words. I felt something yesterday but it's more distant today"'
"Something?"
"An epiphany." Javier laid his hand lightly on the railing of the bridge. He gazed into the distance as if searching. "The Bahiim say that every living thing is linked through the elements of the world around us and through the shajdi. I know the connections are there but today I can't find them."
It was not the response Kiram had been bracing himself for and he felt relieved.
"Maybe you're too hungry to concentrate," Kiram suggested. "We did miss dinner."
"Probably." Javier's expression lightened. "That's adhil bread that woman is selling, isn't it?"
Kiram glanced to the cart where a deeply tanned Haldiim woman poured batter into coal-heated pans. Moments later she flipped golden rounds of adhil bread out onto dried grape leaves with easy expertise. Customers already crowded her cart. Kiram's mouth began to water.
"It smells good," Javier said.
"Why don't you allow me to buy you some?"
They ordered six fresh adhil rounds between them as well as four skewers of sugared fish. They ate beneath a stand of almond trees. The silence between them seemed almost comfortable as they devoured their breakfast.
A courier in a dusty gray uniform rushed passed them with a bulging mail pouch. Kiram watched the man, thinking of the letter he'd sent offjust two days earlier. Then a sudden realization came to him.
"I know you promised Alizadeh, but you might not have to go through with fully becoming a Bahiim. There might be another way to defeat the curse."
Javier raised his brows in question as he continued chewing his last sugared fish.
"The day before my return party Alizadeh said that if Scholar Donamillo's mechanical cures were able to protect Fedeles, then at least some of the symbols on the machine had to be related to the curse. If we could figure out which ones were, then we'd know exactly how the curse worked-"
"We would?" Javier asked with an amused smirk.
"Well, Alizadeh would know," Kiram admitted. "He said that if we knew, we'd have a way to stop it."
"You mean Alizadeh would have a way to stop it." Javier made a grab for one of Kiram's fish but Kiram pulled the skewer away.
"I'm trying to help you and you steal my food?"
"You didn't seem too interested in eating it."
"I hadn't eaten yet" Kiram took a bite of his fish and chewed, "because I was in the midst of telling you that I wrote to Scholar Donamillo and asked him about the symbols. If he writes back directly and the couriers are quick, we could have an answer in two weeks."
"An answer that won't mean anything to anyone but Alizadeh or another Bahiim." Javier sounded oddly smug.
"Yes, but I'd put my money on us having that answer before you're trained enough to take your vows in the Circle of Red Oaks."
"Probably," Javier conceded. He frowned at Kiram. "So are you suggesting that once you get word from Scholar Donamillo, you'll have Alizadeh break the curse and then I should betray him by refusing to become a Bahiim?"
Kiram scowled at Javier's words. He hadn't thought of it in those terms, but he supposed that was what his idea amounted to. It suddenly seemed shameful.
"I was just thinking that there might be some way refit Scholar Donamillo's mechanical cure. With my steam engine powering it, we might be able to break the curse. Then you wouldn't need to become a Bahiim."
"I swore an oath yesterday," Javier replied.
"But only because you didn't think there was any other way to save Fedeles." Kiram still felt a flare of anger at Alizadeh for demanding the promise of Javier.
"That doesn't change the fact that I gave my word, does it?"
"It might." Kiram ate the crisp tail of his fish. "An oath given under duress-"
"Duress?" Javier demanded. "Have I become a such a frail maiden in your eyes that lunch in a garden merits duress?"
"It wasn't just lunch! Fedeles' life was held over your head." Kiram lowered his voice to a harsh whisper. "And I didn't say anything about frail maidens."
Kiram noticed the way Javier's eyes flicked away from him at the words.
"Damn it, Javier. You're a man. I know that. I love that. And just so we're clear, nothing we did last night changes that."
A flush colored Javier's pale face, and for a moment he wouldn't meet Kiram's gaze.
"Nothing's changed," Kiram repeated.
"You're wrong." Javier closed his eyes as if the view before him were too much to bear. "Everything has changed."
Kiram's stomach churned and his throat felt too tight to let him swallow. He should have known better than to have taken Javier last night. Kiram glared down at his own dusty shoes.
Then he felt Javier's fingers caress the back of his hand. When he met Javier's gaze, his expression was calm.
"I can't go back now." Javier gave a weirdly soft laugh.
"Do you want to?"
"Maybe a little. You know, ignorance being bliss and all that tripe." Again Javier's eyes flicked away from Kiram. "I wasn't prepared for it to feel…good. Stupid, isn't it? After all my talk in the bath about being a bender. When you started I thought I'd grit my teeth and endure it. You know, take it like a man."
"You did take it like a man."
"A little better than most men, I think." A sardonic smile curved Javier's lips.
"That's nothing to be ashamed of and it doesn't change who you are."
"It does." Javier stared intently into Kiram's face. "It's like the very first time I saw myself in a mirror. I could hardly credit it. I kept thinking, that's really me? Before then I'd thought I was like everyone else. But afterwards I was different. I was myself and I couldn't go back to being just like Timoteo or Elezar."
Kiram almost blurted out that he didn't think Elezar was all that different from either of them but stopped himself. It seemed petty and beside the point.
"Now, I know-deep in my flesh and bones-that I'm-" Javier paused, plainly rejecting the first word that came to his mind and choosing another, "I'm an adari. And I don't want to be anything else. I don't even want to pretend anymore, but I have to. We both do"
Kiram nodded. Neither of their lives would be lived in the safe, walled confines of the Haldiim district. And even if they could have been, there still would have been Kiram's mother to contend with.
"I don't know how I'm going to keep my hands off you after this," Javier finished.
Kiram laughed but Javier frowned at him.
"I'm serious. You wouldn't believe the nightmares I had last night. About being caught together and what they did to you."
"I know. Really, I do." Kiram said. He'd felt the same kind of anxiety at the Sagrada Academy. He also knew that brooding on it would only make it worse. "But we won't be caught. We'll be careful and smart."
Javier nodded slowly.
"Though I have to point out that taking vows as a Bahiim is neither of those things," Kiram added.
"I know that."
"Then you shouldn't-"
"I have to," Javier cut him off. "And not just because I made a promise, but because the Bahiim belief is right. There is a unity to all life. I felt it yesterday. For a few minutes with Alizadeh, there were no barriers between me and the surrounding world. I could reach out and catch the wind in my hands. When I took a breath, the air rippled with the vibrations of birds' wings and I could feel you and your uncle Rafie spea
king like whispers against my skin." Javier gazed up into the branches of the almond tree above them. His expression seemed to light up as he spoke. "It was just an instant but I felt something real and holy. Something I have never felt in any Cadeleonian chapel. Now that I've experienced it, I can't turn my back on becoming Bahiim any more than I can stop being an adari"
His tone and rapturous expression told Kiram as much as his words, perhaps more. Javier had already converted; oaths would just be a formality. Kiram didn't know what to say. He'd never considered the possibility of Javier genuinely experiencing the Bahiim religion, probably because he wasn't all that religious himself. Even now his first thought was purely pragmatic.
"You're going to keep your conversion a secret, aren't you?"
"I'm becoming a Bahiim, not an idiot," Javier replied with a crooked smile. "Obviously I'm going to keep it secret."
"Just making sure." Kiram tried to reason past his own anxiety to reach practical thought. "We have to find some excuse for you to be in the Haldiim district if you're going to keep studying with Alizadeh. And you need to have your hair trimmed."
"I know. I know." Javier laughed. "I'll cut my hair. I was just being obstinate last night. I wanted everything my way."
"Who doesn't?" Kiram replied. A cluster of young girls in bright green school vests crossed the Ammej Bridge, singing their multiplication tables. Kiram vividly remembered how proud he'd been wearing his own school vest. That seemed so long ago now. Javier watched the students too, but absently.
"Your father is building a fountain right now, isn't he?" Javier asked.
"He's nearly done." Kiram noted Javier's pleased expression. "Next he's thinking of trying his hand at a new design for a water clock. Why?"
"I need a reason to be in the Haldiim district," Javier began and Kiram immediately followed his thoughts.
"If you commissioned my father to design and built a fountain or-"
"-Or a water clock," Javier put in and Kiram nodded.
"Either way it would seem perfectly reasonable for you to be down here, directing the work and observing the progress."
"Perfectly reasonable," Javier said. "I'd probably have to stay the night on more than one occasion."
