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A Million Times Goodnight

Page 13

by Kristina McBride


  “That’s why you were on Old Henderson Road? You were the designated driver?”

  “I guess you could call it that, but I’m hardly innocent. After taking Ricky home, I decided I wanted to see you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you—how I wanted a kiss. Just one kiss. I was close to Brooklyn’s, and even though it was movies and pizza, no boys allowed, I figured it was worth a shot. So when I hit Old Henderson, I pulled out my phone and—”

  “Oh, Josh, no.”

  “I started texting you. Just one letter at a time, right? Then I’d look up to the road to make sure I was still on course. I thought I was being safe and—”

  “Josh.”

  “I didn’t see her, Hadley. She was standing right there in the middle of the road, but I didn’t see her until it was too late.”

  I wanted to ask a million things at once. But my brain wasn’t working well enough to form the words, let alone voice the questions.

  Josh sighed, dropping his face into his hands and rubbing his eyes.

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I whispered. I had to come clean, even if it ruined the last chance we might have. A chance I wasn’t sure I wanted but was sure I didn’t want to lose. “The accident. Penny. It was my fault.”

  “God, Hadley, no. I didn’t tell you that to make you feel guilty. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. That even though you probably don’t believe me, you meant something to me.”

  “I lied, Josh.” I bit my lower lip. I had never said it out loud before. But I had to now. “We didn’t do movies and pizza at Brooklyn’s. We went to Ben’s party. And if I hadn’t lied, if I’d gone to dinner with you like we’d planned, you never would have been on Old Henderson Road. You and Penny never would have crossed paths. She’d be alive. And you … you’d be—”

  “You think I don’t know where you went that night?” Josh’s words charged the air between us. “That I haven’t known all along?”

  “You knew?”

  “I’m not stupid, Hadley. I figured it out pretty fast.”

  “How?”

  “First of all, when you called to tell me about girls’ night, there were car keys jingling in the background. Someone was pretty anxious to get a move on. Penny Rawlins never missed a blowout party in her entire life. Toss Brooklyn into the mix, and you can double that last point.”

  “But you didn’t say anything.” And he was wrong. We’d dragged Penny to that party. “Why didn’t you—”

  “Because I didn’t care. I didn’t want to make you feel like shit for wanting to do something that would have been torture for me. I wanted you to go. To have fun. To bust you later and make you tell me all the gory details, and laugh with you as you described Ben strutting around like some kind of player.”

  “But we never got that chance.”

  “No. We didn’t.”

  “Because you pushed me away. I was there for you, Josh. I tried.”

  “Your best friend was dead, Hadley. I killed her. I didn’t deserve your help.”

  “That’s why you ended things?”

  “That’s the heart of it, I guess.”

  Suddenly, I was pissed. I knew I shouldn’t be—that Josh didn’t deserve my anger. But when I thought of that day in the library I couldn’t help myself. “I didn’t want to lose both of you. You made me feel like I’d meant nothing to you.”

  “It was the only way.”

  “No. You could have given me a choice. You could have been honest.”

  “Honest, huh?” He propped his elbow on the door, running a hand through his hair. “Like you were about your girls’ night? I don’t know, Hadley. If I had, I’d never have found out the truth about you. That you could so easily replace someone like me with someone like Ben Baden.”

  I knew it was over then. Not just the discussion. Us. All the history had sizzled away any thread of hope that we might actually be finding our way back to each other.

  My focus skated from the road. Josh was resting his head in his palm.

  As my eyes traced the angle of his arm, sliding down the slope of his wrist and across the ridges of his muscles, I saw it.

  And it made me even angrier. I knew without asking—it was a constant reminder, a way for him to punish himself every single day.

  A small circular tattoo, centered on his inner biceps.

  One single penny.

  Heads.

  Up.

  23

  BEN BADEN’S BEDROOM – 1:43 AM

  “WE HAVE to hurry,” Mia said, letting the nearly-empty backpack slide down one arm, plopping it onto Ben’s bed.

  “We have to finish what we started first.” My eyes flicked around the room, stopping on the black computer desk tucked away in the far corner, taking in the laptop, the charging station, all the wires.

  “We almost died and you’re still thinking about stealing?”

  “I’m not thinking about stealing,” I said, walking across the plush carpet, pulling the laptop forward, and tugging wires up from the back of the desk. “I’m stealing. Actively.”

  “Fine.” Mia clapped her hands two times, super-fast. “Give me what you want to take, and I’ll pack it away. Three minutes, Hadley. Then I’m dragging you out of here.”

  I looked over my shoulder, flashing Mia a smile. “You’re the best.”

  “I won’t be anything if you get me killed tonight. Just remember that.”

  “You want to get us out of here faster? Grab the external hard drive.” I nodded my head toward the side of the computer desk where a black box that contained a backup of Ben’s entire computer sat.

  Mia dropped the backpack on the floor beside me and unplugged the drive, pulling it free from the tangle of wires. When I kneeled down and stuffed the laptop in the largest pocket of the backpack, it hit something solid. The wooden box. I had forgotten all about it. With no time to spare, I slipped the laptop behind it, yanking the charger from the wall and twisting it around my knuckles before dropping it in the opening. Mia packed away the hard drive, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

  Ben’s phone. Ben’s laptop. Ben’s external hard drive.

  I walked across the room, trying to focus. I had to be sure. I would never get this chance again, and I couldn’t leave anything behind. I stood next to Ben’s bed—the one where we’d snuggled and whispered and laughed together on so many winter nights—stone-still, thinking.

  Ben’s phone. Ben’s laptop. Ben’s external hard drive.

  “It’s time,” Mia said. “I don’t care what you say. We have to get out of here.” She pulled her phone from the back pocket of her jeans, waking it up. The screen cast a blue glow on her face as she sliced her finger across its surface, her eyes intensely focused. “Brooklyn’s waiting. I’m texting her that we’ll be there in five.”

  I turned in a slow circle, eyes roaming, thoughts churning. One last search. Nothing jumped out at me, nothing was screaming to be taken or searched or destroyed. Except the picture on Ben’s nightstand.

  I walked to it, staring at myself, remembering the moment but feeling very far away from that girl who’d once sat in a booth at Edie’s Diner, eyes squeezed shut, head tipped back mid-laugh. Ben sat just behind me, his arm draped lazily over my shoulder, chin resting against the side of my cheek. His eyes were bright, the thin line of his lips pulled back in a quiet smile. It had been a snow day, no school, fat flakes churning through the sky beyond the window just behind us. He’d insisted on picking me up, taking me for hot cocoa. He even asked for extra whipped cream because he knew that was the way I liked it. The tip of his nose had been red from the cold, his hands big and warm as they held mine. I had felt safe. I had trusted him.

  I closed my eyes for a moment, then raised the picture frame in the air, crashing it down against the corner of the nightstand, the shatter cracking the silence.

  “Holy shit, Hadley.” I heard Mia’s footsteps, then felt her grab my hand, tugging me away from the splinters of glass that littered Ben’s carpet.


  “Sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “I—”

  “No time for any of that. We’ve gotta go.”

  Her ponytail slipped over her shoulder as she leaned down and zipped the backpack closed, tossing it over one shoulder as she stood, shoving her arm through the other strap, and tucking her thumbs underneath to keep the straps in place.

  The whole thing reminded me of Josh—the backpack and the straps, the thumbs tucked for extra security—and I wondered where he could be. My heart suddenly ached for him as it had in the weeks and months after the accident.

  “I have to call Josh.”

  Mia grabbed my hand, pulling me to the sliding glass door. “Not now, you don’t.”

  “I need to find him.” The need was strong. Overpowering.

  It stayed with me as Mia pulled me through the door, over the cool grass of the Badens’ backyard, and across the creek, Ben’s backpack slap-slap-slapping with each step. The need was there when we spilled out of the woods and onto Sycamore Street, as we raced to the corner of Sycamore and Gum, where Brooklyn was parked and waiting. The need stopped me dead as Mia pulled open the passenger door and yanked the seat forward, folding herself inside the car before resting the backpack on her lap.

  “Took you guys long enough.” Brooklyn looked up at me from the driver’s seat of her VW Bug.

  “Sorry,” Mia said, her breath coming in bursts. “Long story.”

  “I expect full details.” Brooklyn eyed Mia in the backseat, then me still standing just outside the car. “I feel totally out of the loop, you know? You two leaving me back there at the party? Very unsettling.”

  “That was all out of our control. We’ll fill you in.” Mia pulled the passenger seat back into place and yanked her rubber band out of her hair, spilling it around her shoulders. “Hadley, hop in so we can get out of here.”

  I slid into the passenger seat and pulled the door closed, feeling strangely lost, like something was missing.

  Brooklyn drove away, and Mia launched into a breathless play-by-play, starting with how I’d dragged her through the woods and up to the top of the tower, detailing the pictures on Ben’s phone, and then telling about the events that had taken place once we’d gotten to Ben’s house.

  I listened, but I couldn’t focus. Not really. Because Josh was out there, and it was up to me to warn him about the danger he was in. Brooklyn nearly swerved off the road when Mia told her about Roller, which just made the need burn brighter. Josh was in real trouble. There was no telling what could happen to him if I didn’t act fast.

  “Give me your phone,” I said as Mia finished explaining how Tyler had saved us, how cool he’d been under pressure, how he’d kept Ben and Roller from our hiding spot.

  “For what?” Brooklyn asked.

  “Oh,” Mia said. I could almost hear her eyes roll behind me. “That.”

  “What that?” Brooklyn stopped at a red light in the center of town. Her car was perched on the overpass to I-75, the green signs illuminated by her headlights, offering us an escape either north or south. An escape that was too late to take, even if we’d wanted to. And God how I wanted to. How I wished that after the tower I’d taken Ben’s car, driven us to this very spot, and turned one way or the other. We’d be safe. Far beyond the reach of this twisted version of Ben. Free from the threat of Roller.

  But I couldn’t go anywhere now.

  “Josh,” I said. “Tyler told us to find him. To warn him. Besides that, Josh has whatever it is Ben needs, and I need to get it from him.”

  But I wanted to do this because it was the only way to keep him safe. I didn’t blame him. There were too many reasons for me to blame myself.

  “Fine,” Brooklyn said. “Use mine if you have to. It’s in my purse. But before you call Josh, tell me where I should drive. Are we heading somewhere specific?”

  “For now, we’re safer on the move.” I felt my nerves settle as I pulled out Brooklyn’s phone. “As soon as I get ahold of Josh, I want to make a plan to meet up with him.”

  “Of course you do,” Mia said. “That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard. You seem determined to play out all of your worst ideas tonight.”

  “I’m sorry for pulling you into this. I won’t be mad if you want to bail. You can just—”

  “No way we’re bailing,” Brooklyn said.

  “Yeah,” Mia agreed. “Give us a little credit.”

  And then she launched into an explanation of how we’d stripped Ben’s computer desk. I heard the zipper of the backpack, her hands rifling through the contents as she ticked off the items we’d taken.

  Holding my breath, I dialed Josh, knowing without a doubt that I had the order of the numbers right. As the phone began to ring, I realized that I had no idea what to say or how I’d convince him to meet up with me.

  It didn’t matter. Josh didn’t answer. I debated leaving a message, then decided against it, ending the call as Mia said something about how she’d forgotten about the wooden box.

  “Why do you need a box?” Brooklyn asked.

  “We didn’t need it,” Mia said. “It just kind of got swept up in the shuffle.”

  I tuned them out, texting Josh.

  Me: Need to see you. ASAP. This thing

  is way bigger than you know. Call

  me at this number so we can make

  a plan. PLEASE. —Hadley

  My heart raced as I hit SEND, watching to make sure the message had been delivered. I thought of Josh reading my words and wondered what he would think. What he might do.

  And then I heard Mia behind me. Or rather, I didn’t hear her. She’d stopped whatever she was saying, mid-sentence—sucked in a breath and held it tight for one second, two, and then three.

  When I looked back over the seat, my heart stopped dead.

  In one hand, she held the wooden box. The lid was missing, the dark belly of the box nothing but shadow.

  Mia’s other hand held a small wooden turtle with a bobbly head.

  Purple. With tiny green polka dots. And a delicate set of bright blue wings.

  “That’s one of Penny’s turtles,” I said. “How did you—”

  “It’s her favorite,” Mia said, her face drained of all color. “The one she lost.”

  “But she didn’t lose it,” Brooklyn said. “Remember how pissed she was when she found it missing? There was a note on the shelf. She got all quiet and red-faced when she read it, then crinkled the paper into a little ball.”

  “She told us Tyler was holding the turtle ransom. I thought it was one of their stupid feuds, but—”

  “The turtle was in the box,” Mia said.

  “That means the whole thing with Tyler wasn’t the real story.” I felt it was all connected. I just had to figure out how.

  “Hadley.” Mia squeezed her eyes tight. “We promised. After the funeral, we said we’d leave it alone, that we’d stop trying to figure out why Penny had seemed so—”

  “But that ransom note was the start of everything. She wasn’t herself for at least two weeks before she died.” I thought of the pictures, of Penny crumpled on the blue tile floor of Ben’s shower where I had just been standing. God how I wished time were a thing I could manipulate. That simply being in that space would have allowed me to flip back to the night Penny had been lying there, so I could have stopped things and taken her home. Maybe none of this would be happening now. “Whatever had been going on with her started the day she realized that turtle was missing. We were there, we all saw her face. She was upset about something bigger than losing a silly little knick-knack.”

  “There was the party, too.” Brooklyn’s voice was low. Nervous. Like she didn’t want to discuss this any more than Mia did but knew we had to.

  “Ben’s party,” I said, one more piece clicking into place.

  “She didn’t want to go,” Brooklyn said. “We practically had to drag her there. As if Penny Rawlins ever missed a chance to party.”

  “She didn’t agree until I called Josh
and canceled on him,” I said, remembering how horrible I’d felt for lying but how good it had felt to pull Penny out of her funk. “I thought the party would help.”

  “We all thought the party would help,” Brooklyn said.

  Mia sighed. “But then she decided to leave.”

  “Yeah. And we just let her.”

  My final moments with Penny swept in as if they had happened only minutes ago.

  There had been a spilled drink, an angry voice calling out.

  The flutter of her lashes as she caught me staring, the tight set of her lips as she insisted that she needed time alone.

  How she’d given each of us a hug, then turned without saying good-bye, shoving her way through the crowd.

  Penny’s sandaled feet running.

  Long legs—so strong, so alive—hopping across the rocks that spanned the creek in Ben’s backyard.

  Silky hair swooshing across her back.

  And Penny disappearing among the swaying trees, vanishing into the darkness without a glance over her shoulder.

  24

  COLUMBUS, GEORGIA – 10:53 AM TRIP ODOMETER – 610 MILES

  SUNLIGHT FLASHED off the rear window of the car in front of me, causing me to squint and wish I had a pair of sunglasses as I tried reading the interstate signs. We’d made it to US 27. The Georgia-Florida border was just a few short hours away. Looking at the clock, I felt a twinge of guilt. Brooklyn and Mia were probably so worried they were ready to kill me.

  I’d turned my phone off after my last call with Ben, but shutting him out meant I’d been ignoring my best friends, too. And I missed them—needed them. Josh was asleep—he had been for nearly two hours. I felt more alone than I had in all my life.

  I slipped my hand into the small pocket of space under the stereo and grabbed my phone, powering it on. The battery was only half drained. Purposely avoiding any updates, I called Brooklyn. It didn’t even ring twice.

 

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