“Why? What’s wrong?”
“I won’t be home for Christmas.”
“Sure you won’t.” It was meant as a sarcastic comeback.
“No, really. I’m in the middle of a project here and the results need constant monitoring. I’m not comfortable turning the experiments over to anyone else. My crew—and I use the term loosely, since there are only three of them—all have families. I don’t have the heart to ask one of them to stay here and test the waters of Lake Chimanga.”
“But, Carrie, you can’t miss Christmas!” Jude said. “You’ve never missed Christmas.”
“I know and I’m sorry. But, Jude, I was just home for Thanksgiving, and I’ll come as soon as I can even if it’s January before I get there. But my work is just too important. Hundreds of birch trees are depending on the results.”
“Trees! Once again you’re sacrificing your family for a bunch of trees.”
Carrie laughed. “What can I say? I love you both. But right now the trees need me more.”
“Have you told Daddy this? He’s counting on everyone being here. Alex, Daniel and Lizzie arrive on the twenty-fourth.”
“I’m going to call him when I hang up with you. I hope he’ll understand.”
Jude tried to hide her disappointment. Christmas wouldn’t be the same without the whole family together. She sniffed, rubbed her nose. “I guess I’ll just have to return all your presents.”
“Don’t you dare! I said I’d be there, just not on Christmas. You leave all my presents under the tree.”
“Carrie, we won’t even have a tree when you get home. Rosie will have taken it apart and returned it to the attic. And besides all that, who will make the red velvet Christmas cake? Who can I count on to spike the eggnog? For heaven’s sake, Care, who will play the piano?”
Carrie giggled. “You’re surprising me, Jude. I never knew you were so fond of traditions. I mean, I always thought Christmas was just another day you had to feed the menagerie.”
“It’s different this year,” Jude said, feeling suddenly wistful. Maybe it was the gigantic Douglas fir taking up half the living room. Maybe it was the man who gave it to them, the man who was coming over today with a movie.
As if reading her mind, Carrie said, “I can tell it’s different. I’m thinking it’s quite possible my big sister is in love. If that’s the case, honey, you won’t need me to make this a picture-perfect holiday.”
Truly Jude always needed Carrie, maybe this Christmas more than any other. Alex was bright and helpful and gave sound advice. But Carrie, she was the one who could whittle log-sized problems into toothpicks with a single phrase. Carrie didn’t take life too seriously and she never let anyone around her bring down her mood. Their mother used to say, “Carrie could charm a rattlesnake into tying her shoelaces.”
None of the girls really understood the literal meaning of that sentence, but they still knew what their mother was saying. And now Jude needed her sister in the worst way. She needed to talk to her about Liam, about his penchant to challenge death, about how she loved him in spite of it but couldn’t live with his decisions. She wanted to tell Carrie what she’d bought Liam for the holiday. Bottom line, she needed Carrie for Christmas.
“Don’t be upset with me, Judie,” Carrie said. “I couldn’t stand it if you were mad at me. This is just something I have to do, and you’ll have a wonderful Christmas with Daddy and Wesley and...” She let out a mischievous cough “... Liam Manning.”
Jude couldn’t remember a time when she was ever seriously angry with Carrie. Her sister just had a way of making sure that when the dust of her mistakes settled, everyone liked her again, even if she’d screwed up royally.
“I’m not mad at you, Care Bear,” Jude said. “But I’ll miss you.”
“Same here. But I’ll call Christmas Day.”
“And you’ll call Daddy now?”
“Yes, I will. Gotta go now, Jude. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
Jude disconnected and tried to turn her thoughts to the rest of her day. She was looking forward to seeing Liam, but Carrie’s announcement had certainly dampened her spirits. The day was gloomy and overcast, so Jude went over to their very large, very pretty Christmas tree and plugged in the lights. The gifts she’d ordered for Wesley had arrived at the big house. She’d chosen gifts for her father, sisters, niece and Aurora. It would be a good Christmas after all. Besides, who could be melancholy with two hundred blinking colors brightening the room?
* * *
A HALF HOUR LATER, Martin pulled up in front of the barn and stormed up the stairs to Jude’s apartment.
“Daddy, what’s wrong?” Jude asked, though she knew.
“Your sister, that’s what’s wrong. She’s not coming for Christmas.”
“I know, but we’ll have a nice family time anyway. Alex and Lizzie will be here.”
“And I’m here!” Wesley chimed in. “We can play with all my new stuff, Grandpa.”
Martin grinned. “You’re right, Wes. We sure can. It’ll be a holly, jolly time after all.”
Jude sensed that her dad really needed some cheering up. What better way to accomplish that than to make him feel needed. Besides, she did need his advice about Liam. Thankfully Wes remembered a project he’d been working on and headed for his bedroom.
Jude sat next to Martin on the sofa. “Daddy, I need advice, and, well, you’re a guy, and this is a guy thing.”
A worried look crossed his face. “I’m thinking this is about a much younger guy, Jude, maybe Liam Manning’s age. I’m only good at giving old guy advice.”
She smiled. “Stop calling yourself old. You’re in the prime of life.”
“Thank you, sweetheart. I’m going to choose to believe you’re right. Now, what’s going on between you and Liam?”
She let out a long breath, squared her shoulders and began. “I really like him, Daddy. I never thought I would feel this way about any man again, but I think about him all the time. He has turned my life upside down, made me start to consider those long-term goals you wanted me to set.”
“That’s great. I’m happy to hear it, but why do I sense a big but coming next?”
She grinned sheepishly. “You know me too well. Here’s the thing...”
She told Martin about having dinner at Liam’s, seeing the pictures of what she’d come to think of as his “wall of risk.” She explained her reaction to Liam’s activities in terms of her fear of losing him as well as her fear about Wesley wanting to follow in his footsteps.
“If I give my heart again, and it’s broken again, I don’t think I could go on. The last five years haven’t been happy, I know that, but I’ve come to live with my loss and grief. I’ve guarded my heart so carefully that until Liam, I truly believed that feeling nothing for someone was so much better than feeling too much.
“Liam tells me I’m acting irrationally. I get what he means. To him, these trips are part of life, the thrill of male bonding and a sense of accomplishment. To me, his adventures are unnecessary and dangerous.”
She reached over and took her father’s hand. “I love him, Daddy. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to tell him goodbye because I can’t live with his choices. But I don’t want to see him leave me and never come back. I don’t know what to do.”
Martin sat perfectly still for a few moments. Then he breathed deeply, turned to look directly into her eyes and said, “There are many ways to lose someone, Jude. A person can walk away and never come back. He can do something stupid or adventurous or whatever you want to call it, and die. Sure, it’s possible.” His eyes clouded with his own grief. “Or the love of your life can become ill and waste away just a few feet from the arms that still ache to hold her.”
“Oh, Daddy...”
“Your mother is l
ost to me, Jude, just as much as if she’d died, but does that mean I’m sorry I ever loved her in the first place?”
“I know your answer to that,” Jude said.
“Of course you do. I wouldn’t give up a moment of those wonderful years with Maggie even though I’ve lost her now.” He patted Jude’s hand where it lay over his. “Every time you open your heart, Jude, you risk hurt, but, and maybe this is just an old guy’s opinion, it’s a risk worth taking.”
She nodded slowly, letting his words sink in.
“You’ve been through a lot, my dear Judie, but you’re strong and alive and doing good things every day for those around you. It’s your own personal satisfaction that has suffered. So here’s what you have to decide before it’s too late...”
She waited as he gathered his thoughts.
He cleared his throat. “Is loving Liam worth the chance that you might lose him? Or is giving him up because of your fears now worth the chance that you’ll never love again?” Martin smiled, held his palms in front of him as if he were balancing something. “Love or fear. I know what my answer would be.”
Jude leaned over and wrapped her arms around her father’s neck. “Daddy, I love you. Thank you.”
His voice was raspy when he spoke again. “You’re welcome. I don’t know what your mother would say to you, but I gave this my best shot.”
Martin rose from the sofa. “Guess I’ll get going. I’ve a mind to make this the best Christmas ever.”
Jude walked to the door with him. “I believe you’ll do it, too.”
When he’d left, she thought about the decision she faced. Her father had narrowed down her choices to two. Choosing between them shouldn’t be so difficult, should it?
CHAPTER TWENTY
WESLEY CAME OUT of his room a few minutes later. “Where’s Grandpa?”
“He went to his house.”
“Oh. When’s Liam going to get here?”
“Wesley, how many times are you going to ask me that question?”
“Until he gets here.”
Wesley began circling the coffee table with his arms out to his side and the sound of an engine bubbling from his lips.
“Wesley, would you stop that please. You’re making a racket. And what are you doing anyway?”
“I’m an airplane, Mom,” he said, continuing to circle and now flapping his arms. “When Liam gets here I’m going to ask him to take me up in a plane so I can jump out with a pair of chutes.”
Stay calm, Jude. Wesley is just a little boy. “First of all, it’s parachute, not pair of chutes. Second of all, it’s going to be a long time, if ever, when you jump from a plane with Liam or anybody else.”
Wesley stopped circling and skidded to a stop in front of her. “But it looks so cool. You saw the picture on Liam’s wall. He was smiling.”
“I’m not at all sure that was a smile,” she said. “I think it was the force of the wind pushing his lips back. Or maybe he was scared and that was a scream.” Amazed that she could talk about this without heightened anxiety creeping into her voice, Jude realized that she had to handle this discussion carefully.
He looked up at her with his beautiful blue eyes wide and determined. “I’m not afraid of stuff. I want to do it, and I’m asking Liam to take me.”
She pulled two chairs away from the dining table. “Sit down, Wesley. We need to get some things straight.”
She sat and waited for him to take the other chair. “Honey, I am your mother. I love you, and it’s my job to protect you and make certain you don’t do anything that could hurt you. That’s good, isn’t it?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. Liam does lots of things that are fun and ’venturous. Doesn’t he have a mom?”
“Yes, he does, but he’s a grown man. I don’t suppose he has to listen to his mother like you do.”
“When can I stop listening?”
“That’s hard to say. Growing up takes a long time. You have to get taller and bigger and learn everything you can at school. Then you have to show good judgment. Do you know what that means?”
“Nope.”
“It means you have to show everybody that you can make wise decisions. And I’m afraid that jumping out of airplanes at the age of six is not a wise decision.”
“So I can never do it?”
She sat straight and held his gaze. “When you’re older, you can do what you like, but I hope you’ll think about the things you want to do with that good judgment I was talking about. As for me, I hope you never jump out of an airplane.”
His face remained placid for a moment and then his emotions changed. He scrunched up his eyes as a frown formed on his lips. Jude was aware of his leg bouncing under the table. Her son was acting as if someone had just lit a firecracker inside him and he was ready to explode.
He stood up. “I have good judgment now!” he shouted. “All you want me to do is stay here and take water to the horses and put the goats back in their pen.”
“Wesley, honey—”
“I’m sick of that stuff. And it’s mean for you to make me do it. I want to do different stuff, better stuff.”
Wesley had never spoken to her like this. She’d never once thought that he wasn’t happy working with the animals. She’d always assumed that he wanted to do these chores. “Have you felt like this before today?” she asked.
“Yeah. People tell me I’m a cowboy and I hate it! I don’t want to be a cowboy. Why doesn’t anybody ever ask me what I want to be?”
Jude blinked several times. She’d always loved animals, dedicated much of her life to them. So had Paul. He’d been an expert rider and seemed to have learned basic veterinary skills without ever going to college. Love of animals was one of the traits that drew her to Paul from the beginning. She’d assumed Wesley would inherit this love.
She calmed enough to keep her voice from shaking. “Wes, I never knew you felt this way. You don’t have to be a cowboy. You can be whatever you want.”
“When? I have to grow up and have stupid judgment first!”
“Yes, that’s right. Until then you’ll continue to live here, and I’ll continue to rely on you for whatever help you can give me. But when you’re older, when you’re a young man, you can choose to do or be something else. But, honey, while you’re my little boy, you won’t be jumping from airplanes.”
“You’re never going to let me do things!” he said. “How old do I have to be to do what I want?”
“I’ll know the answer to that when you make decisions that prove to me that you’re ready to be a man.”
His bottom lip trembled. “I am old enough, and I’ll show you! Maybe I’ll just go and live with Liam.”
She stood and took a step toward him. How had this conversation backfired so badly? At least she was grateful to learn about the resentment Wes had been feeling. “We’re a team here, Wesley. We belong together and that’s the way it is for now.”
He sniffed. “Can I go outside?”
“It’s chilly. Put your jacket on.”
He grabbed his coat from the hook and slipped it on.
“And your hat.”
He yanked the knitted cap over his ears. “Can I go now?”
“Yes, but stay close. Don’t leave the yard.”
The door slammed behind him and he clomped down the stairs. Jude collapsed on the sofa and replayed the last few minutes in her mind. No matter what her father said, she still had to protect her son from growing up too fast or thinking she would allow him to pursue activities that were strictly out of bounds. Could she in all honesty, and as a good parent, look the other way when Liam took off for his adventures, knowing the influence he had over Wesley?
Surely Wesley would come back inside soon, the frown replaced with a big smile. It wasn’t in a child�
�s nature to stay grumpy for long. And Liam was coming over. That should make her son happy. But in the meantime, the sparkly Douglas fir didn’t seem nearly so cheerful. And the decision she’d been so close to making seemed as distant as ever.
* * *
JUDE WENT IN her room to change her clothes. She didn’t see Wesley enter the barn. She didn’t notice when he took a cotton rope from the tack room. She couldn’t hear his voice when he approached the stall where Titan was kept and spoke to the horse. She didn’t know when Wesley opened the stall door.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
LIAM PULLED UP to the barn and turned off his engine. He had started to reach into the backseat for the sandwiches he’d picked up on the way over when, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Wesley. A sharp pain sliced into his chest. He blinked hard. It couldn’t be. Wesley had the wild Thoroughbred, Titan, on the end of a rope, and the two of them were in the open paddock. Jude wouldn’t have allowed this.
Liam quickly exited his car and ran to the fence surrounding the grazing area. “Wesley!” he called. “What are you doing?”
Wes tugged on the rope, trying to pull the horse into the center of the paddock. Titan wasn’t willing to cooperate and reared up on his hind legs. Wesley wrapped the rope around his wrist. “I’m showing Mom that I’m big enough to do things, like tame this wild ol’ horse!”
With his adrenaline pumping, Liam hopped over the fence, his hands raised. “No, don’t do that. Drop the rope and come over here to me.”
Wesley continued to struggle with the huge animal. “I’m gonna get on him, Liam. Then Mom’ll see that I can make my own decisions.”
Fearful of further irritating the horse, Liam took a few cautious steps toward Wesley. “I don’t know what’s going on, Wes, but this isn’t the way to prove anything to your mom. You need to let go of the rope now.”
All at once Titan chose that moment to begin a sort of crazed gallop toward the other side of the paddock. Wesley went down to the ground. “I can’t let go, Liam!” he shouted. “My wrist is caught!”
The Bridesmaid Wore Sneakers Page 20
