by Lucas, Naomi
His past clutched his throat and squeezed.
“I’ve done terrible things that go far beyond my time in the military.”
He didn’t want her to make the same mistakes he once made.
Alexa sat upright, clearly listening to him. The wires in his chest thrummed from the simple act. Was he getting through to her?
Would she come to him?
His fingers twitched, glimpsing her through them.
Her lips parted and his world stopped.
“Terrible things?” she asked.
“I went numb.” Hysterian dropped his hand before he clawed the skin of his brow off. “I turned off. I shut out my humanity and every part of me that made me human when I last lost hope. I’ve killed more allies and friends than I care to admit. At first by accident or misfortune, until it was on purpose. I aligned myself with an evil fucking piece of shit who used my numbness to gain power, and I let him, all because he relished my sociopathy. He made me feel like I belonged in this universe even when there was no war left to be fought. That I could do what I wanted, to whoever I wanted, and—”
“Is this what Raul meant by—”
His lips twisted. “Don’t say that name to me. If you say anything at all, tell me how disgusted you are, how I deserve to die, and that you’re here for that reason and that reason alone. But not another man’s fucking name.”
She pushed the blanket she clutched aside. “Why are you here?”
The very same question he had of her.
“I’m here so I can someday touch another without worry. I crave it, endlessly. This need for touch, for companionship, to know what it’s like to embrace someone and not worry about killing them. I crave contact. Perhaps because I can’t have it. I’ve never told anyone my reasons before. Despite what you are, or why you’re here, if it has something to do with me…
“I need you to know that I’m sorry.”
He closed his eyes and exhaled.
“What are you?” she whispered.
“A frog. A golden poison dart frog. An amphibious...creature that’s been extinct for centuries. A goddamned fucking frog. And do you know what the worst of it is? I can’t shift. I have this need to be what I am, but I can’t. All I can do is endure.”
“A frog?”
“I lied to you before. If you want your thoughts to go away, Alexa”—his soul shriveled—“I can…make that happen.”
“You can’t control it? At all?”
It’s the most she had said to him in days.
“Yes, it’s how I do most of my killing,” he said. “And control it?” He growled. “I can to a point. I spend my night shifts boiling in water, draining my body of all its resources. Only to be forced to replenish and do it all again the next night.”
Her brow furrowed. “Do you remember…”
“Do I remember what?”
“Nothing.” She looked away.
He stood. “Do I remember what, Alexa?” Don’t shut me out.
Her face shuddered. “It doesn’t matter.”
“What doesn’t matter?” he demanded. “Give me something, anything.”
“I want to talk to Pigeon,” she murmured, turning away.
Pigeon? Again? Another man’s name.
His glands opened. Had he been worrying about Raul all this time when he should’ve been worrying about the seventy-year-old mechanic? Anger coursed through him.
Hysterian gritted his teeth. His tongue shot out to coil and slide around, rubbing against them.
“I meant it when I said I’ll never hurt you,” he said. “I know I already have, but I still mean it.” Devils, he had to believe it was true. “If you don’t want to come clean to me, I’m going to have to turn you into the authorities. I can’t risk you giving information to our…” He cleared his throat, trailing off.
The word enemies was left unsaid in the air.
She didn’t respond.
He stormed to where she sat, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her. “Why are you giving up? Just fucking tell me, Alexa. Make me understand!”
She jerked out of his grip, and he let her go. Cold. There was nothing but coldness.
“Fine,” he sneered. “Have it your way.”
With one final look, he memorized everything he could about her—the woman who’d snatched his heart from his chest when he wasn’t looking—and strode to the door before he did something he’d regret.
“Goodbye, Dear.”
If Alexa was done, so was he.
Twenty-Two
The door to the cabin closed with a resounding hiss. She scrambled to her feet and ran to it, only to stop once she got there.
Pain burst in her chest, her heart shattering.
What was she supposed to say? He wanted her to tell him what he wanted to hear. That she was forced to come aboard his ship and pretend to be something she wasn’t. It wasn’t true. She came of her own volition. She came to kill him.
That was her only objective. That was her goal.
To make him answer for his actions.
If he hadn’t planned to kill her already, he was certainly going to if he found out the real reason she was here. How could he not? They were enemies, even if he wouldn’t say it aloud.
And now that she knew about his time with Raphael… His reasons. It made her sick. She pitied Hysterian. She’d always known Raphael wasn’t a good man. The owner of Dimes was known on Elyria as being awful, but she had no proof of anything, only rumors.
And what Hysterian did? What he could do?
What he could’ve done to her?
Those weren’t rumors anymore.
As long as she’d kept her mouth closed about her reasons, she could bide her time, wait for new information. So she’d waited and slept when she could. She’d waited with nothing but her guilt to keep her company.
Alexa pushed away from the door and sat heavily on the sofa because deep down she knew that it didn’t matter how much time passed, nothing was actually going to change.
Because she loved Hysterian so much it hurt.
She shuddered.
She needed to talk to Pigeon. She needed someone to tell her what to do.
She needed her dad. She wanted to know why he’d been involved with Raphael and Hysterian at all. She’d always wondered, but it had been eclipsed by his murder. She’d convinced herself that he’d been killed out of cruelty, malice.
That he’d been a victim of a hate crime or that he’d been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
She needed Pigeon. Alexa shook. But she wanted Hysterian.
Alexa pulled at her hair and groaned.
He kills people when he touches them… Was that how Hysterian killed her dad? And a frog? She had no idea what a frog was. She assumed it was some Earth creature they didn’t have on Elyria. Still, she wished she had her wristcon so she could look it up. Of all the things she’d learned, out of all the training she’d had to get where she was right now, she realized how very little she actually knew.
Alexa untangled her fingers from her hair. Hysterian had given her a reason to forgive him, and she held onto it because, to her surprise, she was still alive.
He seemed to care. That he’d told her all he had because he was trying to earn her trust. She wanted to believe he cared just as much as she wanted a reason to forgive him. But once she gave him what he wanted, would he change and kill her then?
Was it all an act?
Didn’t he just say he was a master at getting people to speak? That he was specifically created for the intention of covert warfare and punishment?
Why else would he tell her about his skin? His animal? His time on Elyria? He’d told her more just now than what she’d gathered about him all these years she’d obsessed over him.
Is he biding his time? Are we both?
She hadn’t killed him yet; she hadn’t even tried.
The door to the cabin opened, and Alexa swiveled. Pigeon appeared, exhausted.
“Pigeon?”
she whispered, taking a step forward, not sure if what she was seeing was real. “Hysterian let you come?”
Pigeon glanced to his side at something she couldn’t see beyond the door and stepped into the room. He shut the door behind him.
She rushed forward and threw her arms around him. “I’m glad you’re safe! I’ve been worried.”
He hugged her back, patting her hair. “Now that’s a dumb thing to go and do. No need to worry about me.”
“Why didn’t you leave when you had the chance?” She was so happy to see him. Alexa held onto Pigeon as if he might slip from her arms. For a moment, he was her dad. The scent of Elyrian sands and Sunwater flowers filled her nose.
For a few more moments, he remained her dad.
“And be stranded on Libra?” He huffed, patting her head again. “I think not. Anyway, I wasn’t going to leave you with him knowing what you are. Especially when you were so sick.” He pulled from her arms, grasping her shoulders so he could look at her. Alexa wiped her cheeks. “You look well, if not tired. Has he hurt you? Are you okay?”
She nodded. “Yeah. I’m okay. I’m better now. I’m just so glad you’re here.”
“Good. Captain told me you were asking for me.” Pigeon squeezed her shoulders then dropped his hands. He followed her to the seating area and sat down next to her. “I don’t know how much time we have,” he said, lowering his voice. They leaned into each other. “He’s been keeping me in the brig.”
“I know. I’m so sorry. Has he hurt you?”
“He hasn’t yet. I made my own choices, Dear, but I’m worried about you. Never saw someone so sick before. It’s been bothering me. You were fine at Termites. What happened?”
“I…” Her tongue suddenly felt too big for her mouth. Pigeon didn’t know it had been Hysterian who made her sick. She still didn’t know how she felt about that herself. “I must’ve caught the flu on Libra.”
“Nothing I’ve ever seen. I may be a mechanic, but I’ve seen my share of illness. That wasn’t the flu.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know what to do.”
“About what?”
“Everything.”
“Now don’t do that. I’m sure the captain would have done something to you by now if he was going to hurt you. He’s probably deciding whether to turn you into the authorities once we get back on Earth. I’m sure if we both try we can convince him not to. We’ll figure this out.”
“That’s not it.”
“It’s not?”
“I love him,” she blurted out.
Pigeon went silent. Unable to look at him, she dropped her hands to her lap and stared at them.
“That’s a problem,” he eventually responded.
“I know.” And that wasn’t even half of it. “I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.”
“Have you told him?”
“No.”
“I’d start there.”
“He’s my enemy.” He’d just said it, though not out loud.
“And you knew that and still took a job working for him? For them.” Alexa knew Pigeon meant Cyborgs and humans in general. “Is he really your enemy, or just an asshole? Because if he was your enemy, I don’t think you would’ve spent the last couple months in his company.”
A laugh burst from her throat. “I wish it were that simple.”
God, if only.
Pigeon placed a finger under her chin and tilted her head so she had to look at him. The wrinkles on his brow deepened.
Old eyes searched hers. “Why did you take the job knowing what you know? Are you in some trouble?”
“Why does everything think that? I’m not in any trouble.”
“Well, knowing the history of your—umm—alien ancestry, it is a strange choice to make. It’s dangerous enough for you to be around humans, but Cyborgs? You’d have to have a reason, unless you enjoy the risk. In the time I’ve known you, you’re not a risk taker, Alexa. It only makes me believe it more that you’re not here of your own volition.”
“That would be easier, wouldn’t it? If I had an excuse.”
“You’re saying you don’t? You risked yourself for nothing?” Pigeon shook his head. “That’s not the Alexa I know. Despite your reasons, you’ve been found out, and now you only have two choices.”
“Beg him to save me? Or face my fate head on?”
“Tell him the truth.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“There’s some things I can’t explain because they’re too hard to put into words. If I try, I find myself drowning…”
“You’re scared.”
Her breath hitched. “I’m scared,” she agreed. “I’m scared that if I tell him everything, the world will end. I’m scared that he knows I’ll break—I’m breaking—and that if he waits me out, I will tell him everything, and then what? He may kill me then, take me to the authorities. Or worse… I’m scared that if I tell him, he’ll look at me with disgust and break my heart.”
“I see. I don’t think the captain will hurt you…if he hasn’t already, but I’m not sure. He was” —Pigeon rubbed his mouth—“a mess when you were in sickbay. He rarely left your side. It was exceedingly difficult to hide any abnormal indicators on your readouts. It was only possible because he was so focused on you that he wasn’t aware of anything else. Not even me, the job, anything. But if you think his feelings for you have changed because of your blood…?”
“I can’t tell him. I can’t.”
Pigeon slumped. “Dear, if you won’t tell him how you feel, and you don’t think you can fully trust him, then you need to do the next best thing for your safety. Leave.”
The air fled from her lungs. But on her next breath, they expanded, and a calm came over her. Leave.
“The sooner the better,” Pigeon said. “Before anyone else finds out what you are. We’re due to arrive on Atrexia tomorrow, I’m told. Horace has been bringing me my meals and keeping me updated. Atrexia is an unregulated planet. It isn’t privy to the same laws as Earth, or one of the main colony planets. It’s small. Private sects of people live on Atrexia, mainly those in research and resource harvesting. You’ll be able to find someone to help you at the port. There will be private and personal ships. Go to the terminal desk and see if anyone is willing to take on an extra passenger. It might be your only chance.”
Alexa’s heart raced. “What about you? I won’t leave while you’re locked up. You’re there because of me.”
“I don’t think I’ll be locked up much longer, so don’t you worry about that. When I’m out, I’ll lead him astray if he doesn’t just let you walk out on your own, and I’ll do my best to destroy any evidence you leave behind so he’ll have nothing to give to the authorities.”
“He’s a Cyborg, Pigeon. Hysterian is probably watching us right now. I won’t leave without you, I can’t.”
“Let him, and you can, damn it! If he harms me, he’s never met my daughters, but he will, and it won’t be pretty.” Pigeon visibly shivered. “I’ll be fine. I’ve lived a long life anyway, seen a lot of things. Had too many kids. If he’s got an inkling of good in him, and you’ve done nothing wrong but keep a part of you secret that isn’t hurting anyone else, you won’t come to any harm, especially if he feels the same about you as you do him. I think he might.”
Her throat constricted. Wouldn’t that be something? Even so, he wouldn’t feel anything for her if he knew what she knew.
“Please,” she breathed.
“Pigeon! Time’s up,” Horace’s voice came from the doorway just as it opened. Horace found them but wouldn’t look her in the eye, keeping his gaze on Pigeon.
Pigeon stood, worry etched on his face. He opened his mouth to speak, but she shook her head, stopping him. Alexa rose and wrapped him in a hug. It may be the last time she would ever be able to do so. He embraced her back, just as hard.
“Be safe, Dear,” he whispered.
“Don’t make me come in there,” Horace wa
rned.
“Remember, Atrexia is the next day shift,” Pigeon said against her ear. Alexa gripped him harder. “I’ll do what I can for you on my end.”
“Don’t,” she pleaded, but he was already pulling away.
There was a sad smile on his face as she drew back her arms and hugged herself instead. She watched him walk to Horace and out of the room. The door shut, and she was alone again.
Alexa stared at it for a handful of moments before going back to the sofa and curling up. She was going to leave tomorrow, and she was going to leave alone. She’d been stuck in this room for days—she’d lost count. For once in her life, she didn’t want to be alone.
It’s for the best that I am...
She couldn’t kill Hysterian. She just couldn’t. She tried; she had thought about it a lot those first days. She was done with the guilt and the shame. She may not be able to trust him, but that didn’t stop her from giving him her heart on a platter to be served back to her by sharp knives. She couldn’t stay, not now that her secret was out in the open.
Alexa decided.
She had one last night. One night where she could be with him and not alone. She needed to say goodbye.
Twenty-Three
She tensed, heat coiling in her belly. God, how she wanted Hysterian. She had always wanted him. He was her very own fallen angel.
Alexa combed out her hair with her fingers, letting it fall in damp waves down her back. She stared at her face in the mirror. There was nothing remarkable about her that would lure in a man like Hysterian…
It’ll have to do.
Alexa frowned. She wanted to look nice.
She wished she had her bag of clothes from Libra. She hoped Raul hadn’t rifled through them, and that they remained untouched on her old bunk. And Raul… Alexa’s head clouded.
She hadn’t seen or heard of him once since Libra.
Alexa ran her hands down her shirt. After tonight, she was never going to see the Questor or anyone on it ever again. If she didn’t encounter Raul, she wouldn’t have to break things off with him or explain anything. Maybe it was better that way.
