BROWN
Yeah ... But … just for a little while longer. What are you drinking, Stringer?
STRINGER
Water, sir.
BROWN
Good man. I’ll join you.
He looks around for a waiter.
Blackout.
SCENE 12
MAC and POLLY walk down the street with IVES half-supporting PORK.
POLLY
They’re planning to use you then discard you. Maybe worse.
MAC
Definitely worse.
POLLY
You’re not worried?
MAC
I never turn down an opportunity. You know that.
IVES
I think we should slow down. (to PORK) You took quite a beating.
PORK
Whatya talkin’ about? Only guy who took a beating was that poor bastard back there. That haymaker I landed, you see that?
IVES
No, but I felt it.
PORK
That was you? Sorry, pal.
POLLY
(to MAC) You’re going to try and outsmart them? That’s a dangerous thing to be thinking. Those feds have a lot of resources.
MAC
Yeah, if I was your father I’d be worried.
POLLY
Why?
MAC
He’s the one they got tied up like a pig in a sack. Well … I guess I’ll just have to save his neck while I’m at it.
POLLY
Not on my account.
MAC
Of course on your account. Stop being such a hard case. He’s your father.
POLLY
It was only two years ago he tried to land you in prison, Mac. You gotta hold a grudge longer than that.
MAC
I would have done the same if I’d had the chance. We were competitors. You know, a lot of times we’d be casing places at the same time. It used to make me laugh.
POLLY
And while you were laughing, he was thinking of ways to get you outta the way.
MAC
Well, he was mad at me for stealing your heart, my love.
CHRISTIE approaches with a sign that reads “No Work, No Home, No Hope.” MAC stops to give him some change.
MAC
(gesturing to sign) What happened to bring on all that trouble, friend?
CHRISTIE
I worked too hard. I worked night and day. And when I got sick, my boss wasn’t interested in waiting for me to recover.
POLLY
Bastard …
MAC
(to CHRISTIE) And you can’t find any way back to who you were and what you had?
CHRISTIE
No legal one. I guess I’d try stealing if I wasn’t afraid of getting caught.
MAC
Well, you have to get rid of that way of thinking for sure.
CHRISTIE
You’re saying I shouldn’t steal?
MAC
No, I’m saying you shouldn’t be afraid to steal. What’s your name?
CHRISTIE
Christie Ellis.
MAC
Well, I’ll tell you, Christie. Best way to rid yourself of any fear you have is to mix your thieving with a touch of revenge. Do you know where your boss lives?
CHRISTIE
Yeah …
MAC
Then lead on. (to IVES and PORK) You two up for this?
IVES
I guess …
MAC gestures for CHRISTIE to lead. MAC and POLLY follow.
PORK
(to IVES) Up for what?
IVES
I think we’ve got work to do.
They follow the others.
Blackout.
SCENE 13
The PEACHUM house. MYRNA is disrobing unsteadily as she mutters a little musical dum de dum to herself. PEACHUM is in a chair watching while sipping a drink.
MYRNA
I don’t know what came over me.
PEACHUM
Generosity, sweetheart. You were just trying to share your ample beauty with those people.
MYRNA
But all this should be just for you, Peachy. Not those worthless shits.
PEACHUM
What did you make of our friends from the bureau?
MYRNA
Very muscular, both of them. They’ll need to be marinated for a while to soften them up. Or I could just put them in a stew.
PEACHUM
Whatever you prefer. It’s been a while since we did that kind of thing, though.
MYRNA
We haven’t had any enemies worth eating, dear heart. And there’s nothing more satisfying, be honest.
PEACHUM
That’s true. But we’ll have to proceed cautiously. Agent Brown is a clever man.
MYRNA
Not as clever as my Peachy, though. The nerve of him thinking he can trap you like that.
PEACHUM
The fact that the arrogant prick thinks he’s got the upper hand is very important, though. The kind of haul I could take away from this would be enough to retire on …
MYRNA
I’m thinking, that if it’s all right with you, I might return to the stage for a while. A kind a farewell engagement.
PEACHUM
Good idea. Spread a little more happiness before we head off into the sunset.
MYRNA
In the meantime, you go get those bastard feds. Make them sorry they ever messed with you. And then we’ll invite some people over, roast them both up real nice, and have a huge Sunday dinner.
He toasts to her. She removes a piece of clothing.
Blackout.
SCENE 14
On the street near the entrance to GREEN’s house. The men wait in the shadows, as POLLY looks around. GREEN exits in a hurry. POLLY approaches him.
POLLY
Sir … excuse me …
GREEN
What is it?
POLLY
Just a lady in some distress. I’m afraid I’ve lost my purse and I’m trying to get uptown.
GREEN
And what reason would you have to be going uptown?
POLLY
It’s my poor father who’s in service and needs me to help him with his domestic duties on account of his arthritis and his failing eyesight and his –
GREEN
Go away.
POLLY
Just a dollar. Surely you can spare a dollar.
GREEN
No …
POLLY
(hugging him) Please then … anything. Anything you can spare from your wallet will do.
GREEN
I said no! (pushing her away and leaving)
POLLY
Okay … then I’ll just … (producing his wallet) … take the whole thing … and … (producing his keys) … these as well.
MAC and the others approach.
MAC
Success?
POLLY
I could have had his watch, too, but you taught me never to get greedy.
PORK
(to IVES) A good thing to remember if you ever pick a pocket.
IVES
You think I could do that?
PORK
Not without a lot of training.
MAC
In the meantime, you just keep a lookout, Ives. Maybe check around outside. (to CHRISTIE) So Mr. Green was your boss …
CHRISTIE
Yeah. You know him?
MAC
I’m getting to know him.
POLLY hands MAC the keys.
MAC
Okay, let’s do this.
POLLY and CHRISTIE follow MAC into the house. PORK brings up the rear. IVES stays to keep watch.
PORK
(on the move) Haven’t we been here before?
Blackout.
SCENE 15
The Bluebird Club. Mostly empty except for JENNY and her sister TINA, who are busy finishing dressing BROWN and STRINGER
in women’s lingerie. The two men sprawl unconscious in their chairs, as TINA adds a bit of lipstick to each of them.
TINA
You think this is kinda what he had in mind?
JENNY
Definitely.
TINA
And you’re doing all this for love?
JENNY
What?
TINA
These guys are federal agents. You taking this kind of risk because you still got a thing for Mac?
JENNY
I got nothing but serious dislike for Mac ever since he took up with that snotty-faced brat and broke my heart.
TINA
Broke your heart?
JENNY
It’s just an expression. Anyway, this isn’t a thing we’re doing for Mac. It’s Peachum who wanted it done. And he’s paying a lot for it too.
TINA
Enough so we can get outta here and get ourselves good and hidden? Because that’s what we gotta do. Messing with feds is just nuts.
VINNIE enters with a camera.
JENNY
(to VINNIE) How do they look?
VINNIE
Well, the legs on that younger one aren’t bad, but mostly the whole thing’s just sickening.
TINA
How’d you knock them out when all they were drinking was water?
VINNIE
Offered up some very spicy antipasto. After that, you could have put rat piss in that water and they wouldn’t have tasted it.
JENNY
Take the pictures.
VINNIE
(taking photos of the men) Did you arrange for some guys to take them outta here?
JENNY
Yeah, don’t worry about it.
VINNIE
Hey, I’m gonna worry about it until they’re long gone. If I didn’t need Peachum’s help with some wop bastard who’s squeezing me …
TINA
How come you’re calling some guy a wop when you’re a wop yourself?
VINNIE
You never called some other tart a tart? You wanna close that one’s legs a little?
JENNY
What for?
TINA adjusts BROWN’s bra to show more cleavage.
TINA
How’s that?
JENNY
Yeah, he looks really cheap now.
VINNIE
Right. Because before he looked like a school teacher or something …
Blackout.
SCENE 16
MAC, POLLY, PORK, and CHRISTIE are in GREEN’s house. MAC comes in with the Monet.
MAC
Why don’t we start with this?
PORK
You wanna steal it again?
MAC
Well, if it was worth stealing once … (to POLLY) This is where we met Ives.
POLLY
You make it sound so romantic.
IVES approaches.
IVES
All clear …
MAC
No guards?
IVES
Just an old Pinkerton buddy of mine. I gave him a twenty to go back to sleep.
MAC
Polly, why don’t you take our new friend here on a tour of the house? Show him what’s best to take … You know, the kind of things your father found easiest to fence.
POLLY
(nods and starts offstage) Come, Christie. We’re going to take some of that nasty man’s most prized possessions away from him.
CHRISTIE
And we’re not going to get caught? (looking at MAC and the guys) … Not that I give a damn.
They leave.
MAC
(taking out a knife) You want to do the honours, Ives?
PORK
Why you asking him?
MAC
You wanna do it?
PORK
No. That’s okay.
MAC
(throwing IVES the knife) Here …
IVES approaches the painting.
PORK
Just be careful … and go very slow …
MAC
Unless you know what you’re doing … then you can go a little faster.
IVES begins to cut out the painting. MAC watches with a certain amount of pride.
Blackout.
SCENE 17
An alley. STRINGER and BROWN slowly get up from the ground.
BROWN
What the hell happened to you?
STRINGER
(checking himself out) Pretty much the same thing that happened to you, sir.
BROWN
My God, what in the name of – what do you mean “pretty much the same thing”?
STRINGER
Well … my bra isn’t as revealing as yours.
BROWN
And that’s an important detail, is it? Standing here the way we are, you felt the need to tell me that for some reason. Are you a Mormon, Stringer?
STRINGER
No, sir.
BROWN
Because there’s a time for legitimate feelings of moral superiority, but this isn’t one of them. You got that?
STRINGER
Yes, sir.
BROWN
Right now, what we have to do is think of a way to get out of these … things, into more suitable attire and back to the office.
STRINGER
I don’t think we’re going to be able to pull that off, sir.
BROWN
Yes. You’re probably right. But looking at you now, that might not be necessary. You’re actually very convincing as a woman.
STRINGER
A very tarty woman, sir.
BROWN
There’s that moralistic streak again. How’s that going to help … making comments like that? Isn’t it more important that you could actually leave this alley and get us some clothing without attracting too much attention?
STRINGER
Except that the attention that I do attract might be –
BROWN
Just say no, Stringer. For God’s sake, if you’re propositioned on the way, just turn the fools down! Can’t you manage that?
STRINGER
Of course I can, sir. No problem.
BROWN
Glad to hear it. Now, be on your way. And try to be quick about it.
STRINGER starts offstage. But he is unsteady in the high heels.
BROWN
You should probably take those off. (to himself) Unless you like the way they flatter your legs …
STRINGER is gone. BROWN just looks around, pulls up his bra, and sits down.
BROWN
Okay, they want to play rough …
Blackout.
SCENE 18
GREEN, MERCER, and HALLIWELL at the bankers’ club.
GREEN
Just enough to get home in a cab.
MERCER
No …
GREEN
Please. My wallet was stolen.
HALLIWELL
We don’t believe you.
MERCER
That’s the kind of thing you’re always pulling to get out of paying.
GREEN
You’re each worth more than thirty million and you won’t give me cab fare?
HALLIWELL
You’re worth more than thirty million and you’re asking for cab fare?
GREEN
My wallet was stolen.
HALLIWELL
We don’t believe you.
GREEN
I don’t believe that you don’t believe me. I believe that a lousy five dollars for cab fare is more important to you than our friendship.
HALLIWELL
Which is exactly what we believe about you.
GREEN
So that’s it then?
HALLIWELL
Yes … I think it is.
MERCER
Good … So on to business. Do we all have our cheques?
They take out cheques.
HALLIWELL
(shows his cheque) One
million, exactly?
MERCER
(shows his) One million.
GREEN
I didn’t fill mine out. Thought it was safer to do it here. Can I borrow a pen?
HALLIWELL
If you promise to return it.
HALLIWELL hands a pen to GREEN, who starts to write a cheque.
GREEN
If I make this out for five dollars more, could you give me the cash I need for a cab?
MERCER
We’re supposed to be equal partners. To keep it that way, we’d have to make our cheques out for two dollars and fifty cents less.
HALLIWELL
What are you trying to pull here, Green?
MERCER
Is this some way of getting the upper hand?
HALLIWELL
We each invest one million and you invest one million and five …
MERCER
So if there was ever the need for some sort of arbitration –
HALLIWELL
You could make the argument for being the senior partner.
GREEN
I just want five dollars to get home.
MERCER
We don’t believe you.
GREEN
Fine.
GREEN starts offstage.
MERCER
So … we’ll meet here again tomorrow?
GREEN
(leaving) Unless I get killed on the walk home.
GREEN is gone.
MERCER
I hope he does get killed.
HALLIWELL
So do I. The cheap bastard.
MERCER
Cheap is one thing. I can respect that. I just can’t stand the way he’s always looking for an edge.
HALLIWELL
Maybe we just don’t like him.
HALLIWELL nods as he takes a drink from the tray that has just glided onstage. He hands a second drink to MERCER.
MERCER
I was just thinking how much I could use one of these.
HALLIWELL
Obviously.
Blackout.
SCENE 19
An alley behind the Bluebird Club. JENNY comes out for a smoke. STRINGER, wearing a long coat and hat, steps out of the darkness, grabs her, and puts a knife to her throat.
STRINGER
Make a noise and I’ll put this knife through your neck.
JENNY
You don’t have to do it this way, mister. I’m willing to be nice.
STRINGER
Shut up …
JENNY
Sure, if that’s the way you like it … I’ll just close my mouth and …
She bites his hand, twists away, and pulls her own knife from beneath her skirt.
JENNY
Okay, you friggin’ coward, let’s see how – Oh, it’s you … all dressed for work again. But I bet you still got those nice silk panties on under there … because the way they feel’s just too hard a thing to let go of, right?
King of Thieves Page 4
