by Kay Gordon
Each letter, though, asked about me in some way. At first it was just a small mention like ‘Hope your sister is good’ or ‘Tell Shaylee I said hi’ but they transformed into a bit more. They started to ask for details, wondering how I liked school, how my birthday was, and if I had a boyfriend. There was one letter, shortly before her last summer at camp and before we found out about her fatal diagnosis that threw me. I stared at the words with my brows furrowed.
If you’re okay with it, I want to ask Shaylee to the ball this year. I’ve been saving my chore money so I can get a better tie this year. I’ve been working on my dance moves, too. You would be proud! Do you think she’ll say yes?
I blinked and read it two more times. AJ had wanted to ask me to the ball? That made no sense.
The next letter came after we’d learned that the cancer was back and his letter was full of sorrow. He asked her if she could find a different doctor and begged her to keep fighting. The part where he told her that he needed his best friend broke my heart and caused tears to fall down my cheeks.
The letters stopped for the summer and there was only one after that. It was dated shortly before she died.
Dear Kira,
I know I could e-mail all of this to you, but I figured I’d send a letter with the care package, too.
Your last e-mail scared me. The doctors said you would have another year and it’s only been eight months. I’m not ready for this. What am I going to do without you?
I just want you to know that you’re the best friend I have ever had. If I could have picked someone to be my sister for life, I would have chosen you no question. You have made my life better in so many ways and I don’t know how to thank you.
I hope you know that all of your secrets are safe with me. I would never tell anyone. It has been a privilege to be the person you trusted with so many things and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
This sucks. I know that’s not very poetic but it’s the truth. This absolutely sucks.
I will be there for Shaylee, Kira. You don’t even have to ask. Quit apologizing for everything because it’s okay. Spending our last summer at camp like we did was awesome. I hope it was your best one yet, even with all of the crap going on in real life. I know it was mine.
I’ll be waiting for her to reach out first, though. I don’t want to scare her or come on too strong. Tell her to write me when she’s ready and I’ll be there for her forever. Thank you for letting me be a part of your little sister’s life.
Per your request (more like demand, honestly), I’ve included a new pair of slippers, three different books, and two CDs that I made. You better like all of the songs I put on there because they’re amazing. Besides, you have really bad taste and we need to change that.
E-mail me when you get this. I’ll call you Saturday, okay?
Talk to you soon.
Love, AJ.
The tears running down my face couldn’t be stopped. The love he’d shown for my sister amazed me and confused me all at once. He didn’t write her like a lover but just like the best friend he proclaimed to be. And then there was the talk about being a part of my life. I didn’t understand it.
“What does all of this mean, Kira?” I asked the empty room. “What secrets did you have and what did he mean by he’ll be there forever?”
She didn’t answer, of course, and I was out of letters. I put all of the ones I’d read back and slammed the cover shut. I lifted all of the albums in my arms and set them off to the side before flopping back down on my bed. A crinkling noise made me pause, though, and I lifted up to see one of the letters I’d forgotten to put away. I grabbed it, ready to toss it into the pile, when I realized that it was different.
This one had just one word on it in Kira’s delicate handwriting. Lee.
I frowned and gently opened the sealed envelope, swallowing when I realized that it was a letter for me that my sister had written.
My hand shook and I felt my heart pounding as I carefully unfolded it. Her handwriting had always been so perfect, something I envied, but it became less legible as she got weaker. I knew right away that she’d written it close to the end.
Inhaling a deep breath, I focused on the top of the letter.
To my annoying and perfect baby sister,
I was thinking last night about how I wished I was a bit older so I would have more wisdom to impart upon you before I die. I know you hate when I say that but it’s true… I’m dying, Lee. I’m so tired and so weak that I know it’s going to happen soon. I heard the nurse tell Mom and Dad that it would be any day now. They thought I was sleeping but I wasn’t. Hearing our parents cry like that guts me.
I wish we had another sibling. Maybe another sister or even a brother. Just someone so you won’t be alone. Mom and Dad are falling apart and I know you’re going to be the one who has to hold them up. That’s not fair. You’re going to need someone to lean on when everything goes to hell.
That’s where AJ comes in, Lee.
You are my best friend in this entire world and who better to trust you to than the person who holds that second place position? He’ll be there for you to talk to, to vent to, and to comfort you when you need someone.
The truth is, AJ likes you. I should have told you sooner but selfishly, I didn’t want to. At first, he saw you as a little sister by proxy but he admitted his crush to me after we came back from camp last year.
So, yeah. I was selfish. Not because I don’t want you to have him. I mean, I love AJ, but not like that. I love him like the brother we never had. Since our first summer at camp, he’s been someone I could count on, someone I needed. So, when he told me he liked you and wanted to tell you the next time we went to camp, I was originally onboard and supportive. The thing is, cancer changes everything, Lee.
I knew that if he told you he liked you this last summer and you returned his feelings, he’d spend his time with you as he rightfully should. I needed him, Shaylee. I hope you understand that. As the weird, dying girl, I needed him next to me so I could keep going.
He wanted to ask you to the dance and I talked him into taking me instead. No one wanted to take the cancer girl, like it’s contagious or something. I’m glad you danced with him, though. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a dopey look on his face!
I know what you’re thinking… My sister is basically trying to set me up with the guy who took her virginity. I didn’t want to die a virgin, Lee. I hope you understand that. I wanted the chance to experience that at least once before I died. It took a lot of convincing because he doesn’t see me as more than a friend, but there isn’t another guy I trust like I do AJ. So, we did it. Just the one time and I don’t regret it. I hope he doesn’t either.
The truth is… I have a huge crush on Laurie. There, I said it. The only other person who knows that is AJ. I’ve liked her for years but I wasn’t sure how everyone would react if they knew. I wasn’t sure how SHE would react and I wasn’t ready to lose her as a friend. But just know that this thing behind me and AJ is just friendship, even with the awkward virginal sex.
Writing this is exhausting. I should have just typed it up but this is more personal, right? At least it is in the movies.
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is this… Keep AJ in your life, Lee. Even if you don’t like him, at least be friends with him. I asked him to let you initiate the contact first so you could choose whether or not you want anything with him. Write him letters, call him on the phone, send him emails. Just let him be your friend. Trust me, you won’t regret it. Maybe one day your friendship can evolve into more. At the very least, you have a cute older guy crushing on you. How awesome is that?
AJ Moore loves fiercely and deserves someone worthy of that love. I know that can be you if you want it to be. And if you don’t, that’s okay, too. Just let him be there for you. I promise- it will be one of the best decisions you’ve ever made.
Even when I’m gone, I won’t really be gone
. I’ll be in your heart every day, baby sister. I’m so sorry that I’m leaving you. Just know that you’re the best friend and sibling a girl could ask for. I hit the sister jackpot with you. I wish I could physically be there when you find love, find heartbreak, lose your virginity, graduate from high school, get a job, get married, have babies, and grow old but I’ll have to settle for being there in spirit.
Remind Mom and Dad that I loved them, will you? When you do get married, whoever it is, tell that bastard I’ll haunt him forever if he doesn’t treat you right. Tell your babies that Auntie Kira loves them so much.
I love you, Lee. I’ll love you for infinity.
Love always,
Kira
Chapter Thirty-Four
Tears ran down my face. I read the letter four times in an attempt to completely understand it. The address and phone number for Andrew Moore was scribbled down and at the bottom under her name, it was dated the day before she died. I had no doubt in my mind that she’d meant for me to have that letter eight years before.
My heart broke when I thought about how she’d kept her feelings a secret for fear of being judged. I had no clue that my sister had any interest in Laurie. I’d always just assumed she was interested in Drew. I was a little hurt she hadn’t felt like she could trust me with that information but I understood why. I also respected Drew for keeping that secret for her.
With my face buried in the pillow and Drew’s keychain clenched in my fist, I cried for my sister. I cried for my parents. I cried for the world because it wasn’t nearly as bright without Kira Butler.
I didn’t sleep hardly at all that night. My thoughts were racing with everything I’d learned in one day. Dad had forgiven Mom. Drew had liked me all those years ago. Kira had given her blessing on the two of us having a relationship. I was the idiot everyone had subtly been saying I was for days.
What. The. Hell.
I blinked awake on Saturday morning, a total mess. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Drew’s hat. Its new home was on my nightstand, right next to where I put the keychain every night and in front of a printed photo at the two of us from the ball.
I was a glutton for punishment.
Reaching over, I grabbed his blue cap and hugged it to my body while looking at our smiling faces. The photo was cheesy in that prom-sense but we looked so happy. He also looked incredibly handsome and my heart ached just seeing his face.
Guilt seeped into my pores from how I’d treated him. Yes, he had lied by omission but I’d stomped on his heart. I wish he’d attempted to explain a bit more but then I wondered if I would have even given him the chance. Hell, he might have tried but I was so lost in my self-pity and anger than I didn’t hear him. I’d let my pride and embarrassment make me deaf and blind to what I had in front of me.
And I had to fix it.
After texting Hannah, who asked Jordan, I had Drew’s current address in Los Angeles. It wasn’t even nine in the morning when I got into my car, punched the numbers into my GPS, and set off for California.
It was slightly more than four hundred miles, almost seven hours, one gas stop, one bathroom break, and one McDonalds drive-thru later before I was pulling into a neighborhood in East LA. I drove down the street slowly, searching for the house number Jordan had given me.
Nervous butterflies swarmed in my stomach at the thought of seeing Drew again. It’d only been a week but it felt like a lifetime. I was nervous. Nervous that he wouldn’t accept my apology, that he wouldn’t be happy to see me. Hell, I was nervous that he would accept my apology and accept me with open arms.
Like I said, I was a mess.
A car turned into a driveway in front of me and I slowed down when I realized the driveway belonged to the house I was looking for. I came to a stop in front of the neighbor, allowing me a moment before I revealed myself.
I was glad I did.
Drew stepped out of the driver’s side of the car, looking amazing in a pair of jeans and a grey t-shirt. His messy hair brought a smile to my face and caused my fingers to itch with the desire to touch it. The hat on the seat next to me belonged on his head and I was ready to give it back in exchange for his forgiveness. The smile I was wearing died quickly when a woman got out of the passenger side of the car, though.
She was beautiful. Her long, lithe legs were on display under the tiny black shorts she was wearing and her white tank top showcased her ample breasts and flat stomach. Her long, deep red hair fell perfectly across her shoulders when she flipped it back and I shook my head. She could have been a freakin’ model.
I watched as Drew met her at the hood of the car and then loped his arm across her shoulder, pulling her to his side. She wrapped her own her arm around his back and fell into step next to him. He said something and she laughed, tipping her head back as she did. He was laughing, too, and they headed up the walkway and through the front door.
My eyes stayed fixed to the closed door long after they’d disappeared through it. Pain sliced across my chest. Before I could think about it too much, I put my car in drive and took off down the street. I was only about a mile away when I pulled over to the side of the road and dropped my head to the steering wheel.
“It’s Drew, Shaylee,” I told myself quietly. “He wouldn’t move on this fast. You need to go back.”
I repeated that mantra to myself several times before I actually turned my car around to head back to Drew’s house. This time, I parked in front of his house and turned off my ignition. With newfound determination, I marched up the walk way I’d seen him on just moments before and pressed the doorbell as soon as I could reach it. I twisted his cap in my hands nervously, using it as my anchor.
Those butterflies were back, feeling like millions of them had set up home in my stomach. Each second felt like a year and it took about twenty of those to pass before the door opened. When it did, I decided that I was absolutely an idiot.
The redhead stood in front of me. She wasn’t in the clothes she had been ten minutes earlier. In fact, she wasn’t in any clothing. A black lace bra and a pair of matching underwear sat on her perfect body. If that hadn’t been enough to smash my heart, what she had draped over her shoulders was.
The throw blanket I’d made and given to Drew.
She pulled it closed and a slight blush settled on her pretty face. “Can I help you?”
“No.” My tongue felt thick and fat, making it hard to speak, but I shook my head and forced the words out. “I have the wrong address. Sorry to bother you.”
Without waiting for a reply, I turned and dashed towards my car, moving faster than I had in the camp challenge just weeks before. I ripped the door open, slammed the key in the ignition after the third try, and pulled away as fast as humanly possible. I had to pull over a few minutes later, once I was far enough away from his house, due to the tears completely obstructing my vision.
He’d found someone else. I couldn’t even fault him for moving on but it didn’t stop me from feeling like everything inside of me was broken. The hurt was overwhelming, similar to the pain I’d felt when I lost Kira.
Because now? I’d lost Drew, too.
Chapter Thirty-Five
The first semester back to work and school flew by. I settled into my routine easily and honestly enjoyed the four classes I was taking. As I neared the end of my degree, the courses became harder but they were also more specific to my program.
It had taken me about a month to really start to feel like myself again. My heart wasn’t mended by any stretch of the imagination and I missed Drew every day, but it got easier.
Mom moved back in with Dad and it was amazing. I ate dinner with them at least once a week, sometimes more, and it felt like we were truly a family again for the first time since Kira had died. They were like a couple of teenagers around each other, though, and I had actually caught them in a compromising positon one afternoon when I’d come over.
Let’s just say I wouldn’t
be sitting in Dad’s armchair ever again.
Briana and Marco were in full wedding planning mode. The date had been set for the week after the three of us graduated. They were planning a two week long honeymoon-slash-graduation celebration in Europe right after that so the timing was perfect.
My best friend was a tiny bridezilla, though, and I had threatened her life several times. In exchange for my patience and understanding, she was allowing me to have full control over the bridesmaid dresses that her sisters and I would be wearing. That concession helped keep me from smothering her in her sleep. Lovingly, of course.
Bri had been my biggest cheerleader when it came to getting over Drew. Hannah, on the other hand, thought I needed to reach out to him. I forbade her from telling Jordan what I’d seen that night I went to his house because I knew he would tell Drew and that was humiliating. She told me that Drew had probably been hurt and was trying to dull the pain, which I understood, but the image of that redhead standing naked in his doorway was burned into my brain. Setting myself up to get hurt again wasn’t going to happen.
Hannah and I talked all of the time and text at least once a day. During one of our many FaceTime calls, she had bonded with Briana and the two of us were planning a trip out to see Hannah during spring break. She was also coming to Arizona for Briana’s wedding in May.
She and Jordan were doing really well, something that lifted the sadness in my gut somewhat. He had flown out to see her during fall break and she was planning on flying to Chicago to meet his family over winter break. It was perfect for them both and I was truly happy for them.
“Hey,” I said to Bri as I stepped inside our apartment on a Friday afternoon, less than a week before Thanksgiving. She was leaning against the counter in the kitchen, staring at her phone, and she grinned when she saw me.
