Kilan expected a kiss as Antal leaned forward. Instead, Antal dipped his head, rasping his tongue over a nipple. Kilan was so unprepared for the sensation that his body arched. His cock throbbed, jerked in Antal’s grasp. Lower things clasped. Antal felt that. Kilan knew he did. He didn’t need to hear the indrawn breath, but hear it he did. He didn’t know how Antal could bear such a tight squeeze.
“Relax. Breathe,” Antal told him, and Kilan couldn’t help wondering if he didn’t issue the instruction as much for his own sake as for Kilan’s. He was trying. He so didn’t want to bungle this. He’d tried to withstand the initial pain but hadn’t managed to hide his suffering. To his surprise, Antal had been understanding, but then that was Antal through and through. He wanted this. He just had to…
Loose. Stay loose. Stay…
Coherence departed. Kilan lay there, aware of his intellect as a thing apart from his body. “Is that the comet?” he heard Antal ask, and he blinked, realizing the power flared around them. The comet had responded to his silent plea, helped to loosen his body. He nodded, unable to explain, unable to speak, but Antal seemed to understand that he’d lost his voice during the onslaught. Together, he and Antal rocked. He even strained up, trying to meet Antal’s thrusts with a push. He tried to hold back his gasps, his moans, but finally Antal forced them out of him. It wasn’t perfect. This was his first time. Antal said it got better the more one did this. For now, for some unknown reason, the comet helped him. Kilan hadn’t known it could do that.
He sensed urgency: his and Antal’s, his lover murmuring, encouraging, jerking him, thrusting…and he knew just before it happened that when he came it was going to be hard and devastating. Therefore, it shouldn’t have come as such a surprise when he erupted, but his resulting shout still echoed around the cavern walls, rebounding even as the waves of his orgasm faded.
“Are we fine with each other?” Kilan asked.
Antal couldn’t remember when he’d last heard a plea for reassurance in such an innocent question. He turned, aware he looked ridiculous wearing Kilan’s jacket and with the blanket fashioned as a rudimentary covering not unlike a skirt around his waist. Even so, he felt better with something around his midriff. He really had felt uncomfortable clambering about in the tunnels with his nether regions so vulnerably on display. His discomfort had nothing to do with sex, just practicality. Clothes acted as protection as much as anything.
As absurd as he looked, it felt good to be up and well, able to take command. The joke was apparently on him. How ironic. The prince didn’t want responsibility, and Antal didn’t know how to relinquish liability to someone else. He didn’t know for sure what would make Kilan happy, but where his own happiness was concerned, he now accepted that Ryanac was right: he needed to take time off, get used to delegating, and not try to control everything. He and Kilan had much in common; equally they were opposites, and didn’t they say something about opposites attracting one another? Not only had the sex felt fabulous, but they’d both found something neither had expected. He didn’t know how Kilan felt about that, for he didn’t know how he felt about it himself. That would take some thinking, and right now they had other, maybe no less important things to worry about, but things that required more urgency. Even so, he couldn’t help smiling. Kilan frowned.
“What?”
He wasn’t surprised to hear the defensive tone in the prince’s voice. It only delighted him. “Nothing. And yes, we’re fine. Was it what you expected?” He couldn’t help teasing even though a new day had begun. Whatever came next, he wanted Kilan to remember last night, the details, the finer points, the way he’d shouted when he climaxed. All of it.
At once, Kilan’s gaze turned wary. “Better, actually, but it’s not something I’ve ever considered wanting.”
He sounded a little bewildered about that. Antal longed to ask him if he meant he hadn’t wanted it even last night but had gone along with the experience in order to have sex of any kind. Or had he gone along with it and now never wanted it again? Maybe he’d never wanted it prior to last night, but he wanted it now? The choices felt too complex to resolve easily; Antal despaired of asking, trying to coax Kilan into giving an honest response. Maybe they both needed a way out of this…just in case. “It can just be one of life’s experiences. We don’t have to do it again, if you don’t want.”
“Do you want to?”
He couldn’t quite tell if that little lilt in Kilan’s voice sounded hopeful, but it sounded like a definite possibility.
“Ah. So we’re going to gently dance around each other, not wanting to be the one to ask what happens next?”
Kilan’s color deepened a little. “Later,” Antal promised. They needed to talk, but even he couldn’t think clearly at present. He doubted very much that Kilan’s thoughts were any better. They needed time. They needed to get out of here before they said something or did something neither of them had taken the time to think about.
With day returning, they’d detected a crack in the rock wall running through the ceiling of the cavern into the distance. With sufficient natural light penetrating down through the split, Antal felt certain they could follow the fissure to an exit. If only daylight would show him the way out of the more personal situation they’d slipped into so easily last night. “Let’s get out of here,” he said gently. “We can talk once we’re home and safe in the city.”
* * *
Bread and cheese had never tasted so wonderful. Antal almost chastised Kilan for getting them trapped last night. He could barely stand to think they’d had to make do with dried-up strips of meat and vegetable matter when they could have been tucking into what this morning seemed like a veritable banquet; that fact was unforgivable. Then he remembered that maybe in other circumstances they wouldn’t be sharing this companionable silence while they feasted. He could easily envision a much cozier night spent together in the cave, but that was wishful thinking. If the ground hadn’t given way beneath them… Well, he didn’t know what would have happened. Would they really have fought each other, scuffling on the ground? Would Kilan have tried to use the comet in defense? There was no way of knowing. Antal let such thoughts dissipate. He accepted things as they were and decided to leave some circumstances to fate. He fell to ravishing the meal just as fiercely as Kilan did.
Just as he’d expected, they’d managed to find their way out of the cave with minimal difficulty. Kilan had spat a vile oath that they hadn’t looked for the opening last night, but Antal had said they would have been fools to try to find their way at night, even with the light the comet provided. Escape had required some climbing and made Antal curse his impractical hair even if most Swithin men favored the style. He’d tied it back with the strip of fabric he’d used the previous night to bind his foot. Somehow, Kilan’s much shorter hair had managed to remain braided.
Antal had paused briefly at the statue to gather his things and then headed into the cave. He and Kilan sat there now, the only sounds being the wet noise of their mouths working, devouring. Small sounds of contentment followed their swallowing.
As their eating slowed, Kilan tried for conversation. It seemed the subject of sex was off-limits for now, so he tried another subject. “Why do you lack faith in yourself?”
Antal said nothing, but the way he looked at the ground told Kilan that he’d heard him.
“Last night I said Ryanac believes we both lack faith in ourselves. Me I could understand, but why you? Is it because of your father?” He didn’t really have the right to ask such personal questions, did he? They couldn’t say they were lovers. One night of sex didn’t make you lovers…so why did he feel as if he had the right to ask? How did he know Antal wouldn’t mind?
“Maybe. Partly.” Antal didn’t look happy admitting that, but he sounded accepting.
“It’s not surprising.” That was a peculiar peace offering, but Kilan meant it. Antal’s father was legendary, had fought in harsh battles, and now enjoyed gentler times. His organization and
meticulous attention to detail made him a skilled guard. “You can’t expect to act like your father. He has many more years experience than you have.”
“But it’s experience he’s passed down to me in knowledge.”
“It’s not the same thing,” Kilan pressed.
“No. It’s not.” Antal bit into a chunk of bread, chewed, swallowed, staring out to the horizon. “Ryanac advised me to share my duties. My father has never been one for delegating, and I guess I’m like him in that respect.”
“Your father organizes. That’s the same thing.”
Antal glanced at him, an expression of surprise quickly changing to one of rueful amusement. “Yes, well, you should look to your own worries. Stop trying to be as good as your brother is. Have faith that you have your own abilities that don’t have to reflect his.”
Reluctantly, Kilan had to admit that maybe Antal had a point, but he wasn’t going to let him deflect the conversation. “I’m not so sure about that, but that’s what I’ve just been saying to you. Do you really believe your father is a better guard than you can ever hope to be?”
It took Antal only a moment to reply. “Yes and no. I strive to one day be as good as he is.”
“You’ve advanced quicker than he did at your age.”
“That was a fluke.”
Kilan took a moment before saying, “Then it seems we’re both plagued with self-doubt, and Ryanac was right; in some things we are alike.” Once again it seemed Antal had nothing to say to that.
At last full, and mindful not to gorge in order to leave enough food for them both during the journey home, Antal stood up.
“Where are you going?” Kilan asked.
“To wash, to dress, and then…to make sure the statue’s clean before I cover it.” He didn’t think his hesitation was lost on the other man, even if it was slight.
“Do you want me to help?”
Once, he might have thought that was Kilan’s way of trying to sound helpful while actually longing to hear a refusal so he could be lazy. He knew Kilan better than that now, and besides, today Kilan was just being astute; Antal could tell that when he looked into the man’s bright gaze. “No,” he said. No, he didn’t want help.
“I’ll wash when you’re done, then pack up everything while you deal with the statue.”
Antal nodded. “Do you want to touch it before we leave?”
Kilan turned his head, almost but not quite enough to gaze at the figure in the clearing. Antal held his breath. Kilan gave him the answer he hoped to hear. “No,” he said. “No, I don’t want to touch it.”
As to the reason Antal didn’t want Kilan to touch it, he couldn’t explain why. He just didn’t like the idea. Therefore, it came as a shock when Kilan sighed and added, “But I have to.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
He tried to tell himself he didn’t. He tried to feel angry that Kilan couldn’t leave it alone, let it be his, as much as the sculpture could be his. Neither of those were the true reasons the idea annoyed him. He didn’t want Kilan to confirm what they were both thinking -- that the statue was part of the original comet. Meeting the other man’s gaze, they stared at each other, Antal standing, Kilan sitting.
“I don’t have a choice,” Kilan said, and unfortunately, he was right. Antal just had to accept that.
Chapter Eleven
“You’re certain?” Markis asked, frowning.
“Yes,” Kilan said simply, the lack of emotion in his voice unsettling him. He hated the discussion, and he wanted to be alone to think about…other matters. Did Markis notice?
His brother stood, gazing at the floor, looking thoughtful. “What were you doing out there anyway?”
“Don’t make this an inquest,” Ryanac’s strong, deep voice broke in. “He was doing what he’s always doing. He was off gallivanting.”
For once Kilan didn’t bother to argue. He shared a brief look with Ryanac and then turned away, his pulse racing, his heart pounding. How much did Ryanac know?
“I told you, I followed the sensation where it led me. I found the comet easy to connect to there. I touched the statue, realized what I laid a hand on, and then…” He hesitated. He and Antal had discussed a plausible story. Ryanac would know it for a lie, but as misdirection went, it worked as a mild one. Ryanac would let them get away with it. He’d told Markis that he’d followed his nose, so to speak, or his power. He claimed instinct or intuition had led him there.
“It scared me,” Kilan admitted. That wasn’t part of their story, but it was honest. The truth would serve to distract Markis from everything else, including anything he happened to hear of Kilan’s true reason for going. Not that anyone should find out he’d gone to the glade in search of…
Sex. You went in search of Antal because you wanted sex with him. Be honest with yourself for once at least. The way he’s been acting lately, it made you feel more normal. If someone like Antal could feel as if his life was out of control, then it was perfectly acceptable for you to feel that way. You don’t like being a prince, and you don’t like the responsibility that comes with the power, but it’s what you are, and there’s no escaping it even though you keep trying. To escape, you look for fun, and you got more than you bargained for, and now you don’t know what you want, just that you want…
Kilan cut his internal monologue dead. Antal. He wanted Antal. He couldn’t stop thinking about him. “Hmm?” He looked up, aware his brother had spoken and he had missed it.
“You said it scared you?”
“At first. I think… I think because I don’t have as much control as you do. I think being that close to it without you, I felt as if I had no shield, no barrier between me and…it. When we enter the abyss, it serves as a shield. The abyss diffuses. I think for you it may well be different, but until I have better control, I don’t want to go there again. I don’t want to touch it.”
“Maybe one day,” Markis murmured.
Kilan inclined his head. “Maybe one day. It may serve you, but it’s too soon for me.”
“Thanks,” Markis said. “I will check it out as soon as I am able.”
Kilan bowed slightly before exiting the room. Before leaving the glade, he had laid a hand on the statue. Just on the leg, just a light touch, and he had known in that instant that he was right. The rock was part of the original comet. It shimmered, shivered, positively vibrated with life. It liked his touch. He could almost sense the power smiling at him, as much as a nonphysical thing could smile. The thought of Antal having that up inside him… Kilan both abhorred and applauded the idea.
He’d asked Ryanac as much as he could and ascertained that although many did feel something incredible when touching it, no one had described the sensations that Antal had. The more he thought about it, the more Kilan believed the ritual Antal had carried out was intended to have an extreme effect on those who had experienced some intimate contact with the comet. You couldn’t get more intimate than healing or sex. Kilan had sensed some of what Antal had described, and he suspected that if Ryanac were to touch it again now, having, like Antal, been healed with the power as well as having other connections to it, he would also experience something sensational. Touching the statue had indeed left Kilan in turmoil, but nothing had left him in such a disorder as his feelings for Antal.
Kilan couldn’t help wondering when they’d find the time to talk. As much as he resisted the idea, he looked forward to it. He looked forward to seeing Antal again, and they’d only been apart a few hours. He didn’t like that at all. From the moment they were back in the city, he should have been able to go about his normal duties, sparing hardly a thought for the other man. He might have spared him a warm thought now and then but only because of what they’d shared, and that was past, over, done with. It couldn’t happen again. He should be looking for another form of entertainment. That’s how he…used to behave…
Kilan stopped in his tracks and then apologized for getting in other people’s way. He mo
ved to the side, walking until he found a quiet spot. There he stood contemplating his thoughts. Had he changed? How? Why? Did he truly feel that blithe? Hadn’t he just moments ago told himself that his position in life was something he had to accept and needed to stop trying to avoid? He needed to accept responsibility even if he didn’t like it, and that included his personal life as well as his duties. Was he so blasé about his love life? Besides, did he truly see sex purely as entertainment? The Swithin way taught there was nothing wrong with that as long as those concerned realized, accepted, felt the same way. Was he always going to view sex that way? Didn’t he want something…more?
Maybe he was asking all the wrong questions. Maybe he should be asking whether Antal was thinking of him the way he was thinking of Antal right now. Was Antal remembering? Was he wondering if they would have sex again? If so, who would be the one penetrating? Kilan had gone after Antal not knowing the outcome but certainly never suspecting that he would be the one on his back, taken.
Looking about him, Kilan returned to his senses. The world rushed in, unforgiving. His closest friends and family would probably smirk at his discomfort if he made his feelings public. He had no one to talk to, not about this. Only time could provide the answers he so desperately needed, and he wasn’t known for his patience.
* * *
The days ahead certainly tried Kilan’s patience. He hadn’t seen Antal, and as much as he longed to, he didn’t know what to say to him. He’d been busy, and he should have felt grateful for that, but his mind kept wandering. He tried to concentrate on the revelation that he couldn’t escape his lot in life even though it was truly no revelation at all and just something he’d hereto refused to accept. He couldn’t focus on his life. His thoughts were so full of wondering what Antal was doing and what he was thinking, everything else irritated him. Antal’s touch, Antal’s lips, Antal’s smile… These things filled his dreams and made his nights so restless he wondered how he got any sleep at all. Kilan had finished himself off more times than he could count with Antal’s name on his lips. He felt as if he was going mad. He hadn’t asked for this; this wasn’t what he wanted. Trying to escape one serious side of his life, he’d walked into another because any relationship with Antal would be serious, he just knew that. It all felt very frustrating. As if he didn’t have enough to annoy him, he had a meeting to attend.
A Swithin Spin: A Princely Passion Page 14
