by Gerri Hill
“I’m single, I live alone. I don’t even have a damn cat.”
“You can talk to me,” Catherine offered.
“Thank you, but it’s not the same.”
“Well, I won’t bring up your love life, I know that subject is off limits.”
“I date. I don’t have a love life.”
“You date. So, at least… you know.”
Nicole shook her head.
“You’re not having sex?” Catherine asked loudly.
“No.”
“Since when?”
Nicole looked away. God, it was so… weird to talk to Catherine about this. “Since Rachel.”
“You’re kidding? Nicole, that’s been… what? Three years?”
“Something like that.”
Catherine shook her head. “That’s just not normal.”
“Why thank you, Doctor Catherine. However, I’m afraid to sleep with someone. The last time I did, they moved into my home within a week and stayed a year and a half.”
“You know what you need?”
“No, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”
“You need to go out… and just… have wild sex. Meaningless wild sex. And don’t tell them your name, and certainly don’t tell them where you live.”
“And what exactly would that solve?”
“Well, it would certainly let out some of the pent-up energy I’m sure you have.” Catherine leaned forward. “Just let loose for once. Let your hair down. You’re always so controlled.”
“I have to be.”
“I know. So go out somewhere where you don’t have to be. Surely you people have sleazy bars you can go to.”
“I will not go to a bar, thank you.”
“Well, you need to do something. My God, your dates have to be so boring.”
Nicole let out a deep breath. “You probably won’t think of this as letting my hair down, but Dorothy suggested I take some time off and maybe… well, get away into the mountains.”
“Backpack?”
“Yes.”
“But that’s great. You love doing that, you should go.”
“There are only two weeks between sessions,” Nicole reminded Catherine.
“I can stretch it, no problem.”
“I really would like to have a break. Can we stretch it to three?”
“Of course. Only two more sessions with this group. Which ones are you going to hold over for individual meetings?”
“Sara, of course. And I think Lee Ann. I’ll know for sure after next week.”
“Okay.” Catherine stood. “It’s late. Why don’t you go home?”
“I just have a few more notes to make.”
“Fine. Make them. Then go home.”
Nicole stared after her, a little envious that Catherine had someone to go home to. Well, maybe not envious. It wasn’t all that long ago that Nicole longed to go home to an empty house. Rachel had come to stay one weekend and never left. But even at the beginning, what she’d had with Rachel was never anything close to what she imagined a relationship would be like. In reality, Rachel was the first time she’d even tried. At first, she’d been so busy with school, she didn’t want the complications of seriously dating some-one. Then, when she was building her practice, she certainly never had time. Most of the dates she went out on now were discreetly set up by well-meaning friends. She felt like she’d been out with every eligible doctor and lawyer in the city. Unfortunately, second dates usually meant sex and so far, she’d been able to resist. None of them stirred her libido, and she just didn’t see the point in faking it.
She twirled around in her chair, staring out the eighth floor window at the lights of downtown Denver. Now… now that she was settled in her practice, now that she was well respected in her profession… now, she felt the emptiness in her life. But after Rachel, God, she swore she’d never do that again. No. If she were to meet someone now, someone that she was attracted to enough to consider a second date, she would never live with them. In fact, she wondered how anyone found the courage to take that step.
The professional part of her knew that it was simply the dreadful experience with Rachel that deterred her. Well, that and the constant horror stories she heard about failed relationships turned violent.
She took a deep breath, forcing herself back to her desk and away from the lights of downtown. A vacation? She smiled. Yeah. One more week, then she’d get away. And reconnect, as Dorothy had said.
CHAPTER THREE
Jake stood on her porch, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders as she sipped hot coffee. Dawn had brought her outside and even though it was cold, she couldn’t resist the sunrise. She leaned on her cane, head cocked slightly as she watched the first pink rays cross the mountain tops. Before long, the colors changed, the dark green of the pine and spruce trees nearly glowing as the light touched them. She stood still, her eyes fixed as the orange globe rose over the Collegiate Peaks, casting light and warmth over the mountains.
Cheyenne nudged her and whined softly. She gently brushed the dog’s head.
“Hungry?”
A quiet whimper followed.
“Okay. Let’s do breakfast. Then we’ve got to finish unpacking.” She looked at the frosted windows of the Land Cruiser, knowing that she’d only managed to bring in the bare minimum yesterday. She’d been too tired to finish. But she felt much better this morning. In fact, she’d only had to take one pain pill. Hopefully, in a few days, a week, she could wean herself off them completely.
After a hot bowl of oatmeal and a scrambled egg, she showered and slipped on a thick pair of sweats. For wearing jeans, they had given her a padded bandage to put over her wound but with sweats, she didn’t bother with the bandage. She stood and looked at her reflection in the mirror. It still startled her. She brought her hand up and rubbed across her head, the very short hair popping back into place. After a week of lying in the hospital with no one to wash her hair, she’d gotten pissed off and had a nurse call up a hairstylist. The dark hair that normally reached below her shoulders was gone in five minutes, replaced by a close crop that needed no brushing. She stared at herself, thinking that she actually liked it better this way. Definitely no fuss. But she’d always worn her hair long, going all the way back to college. Well, it was past time for a change. She rubbed her head one more time, then grabbed the cane, walking slowly through the cabin, Cheyenne right at her heels.
She knew the dog couldn’t understand why they weren’t out hiking. Normally, the first morning, they would have been out before dawn, hiking to the rock pile that overlooked the canyon behind Cumberland Pass. Across the canyon were the Collegiate Peaks. If she hiked high enough on Cumberland Pass, she could see all the way to Mt. Harvard. Actually, she could see six of the peaks at once. It was a favorite spot, but she knew she wouldn’t be climbing up there on this trip. If fact, it would probably be awhile before she climbed it. But she would do some hiking. Her doctor told her that the best way to strengthen her leg was by walking.
“Come on, girl. Unload first, then a short hike.”
Cheyenne cocked her head, her intelligent eyes staring directly into Jake’s. It was at moments like this that Jake would swear the dog understood perfectly what she’d just said.
She made three trips from the Land Cruiser to the cabin, carrying as much in one hand each time as she could. With the other, she still used the cane for support. Most of her supplies consisted of food items and a fifty-pound bag of dog food. Having the young man at the grocery store load it for her was fine, but now, she was on her own. The dog food would have to stay in the truck. She’d have to get it little by little as she needed it. Again, she hated the helplessness that she felt at not being able to function as normal. But… at least she was alive. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to get the image of the little boy from her mind. It had been haunting her. She’d had her standard sessions with the police shrink, and she’d lied her way through them. Yes, it was tragic that the little boy had died
but no, she didn’t feel like it was her fault.
“Yeah, right,” she murmured. “Then whose fault was it?”
But she would deal with it herself, not on the couch of some shrink. Yes, goddamn it, she felt like it was her fault. She was the fucking cop, she was supposed to protect him. The fact that she took two bullets didn’t matter. The little boy was still dead.
She took a deep breath, refusing to think about it. Right now, she wanted to get out in the forest and forget. She filled up a water bottle and clipped it to her waist pack, then checked her cell phone, surprised that she had service. Normally, she would turn the damn thing off while she was up here, but not now. In case… well, in case she fell or something, she could at least use it to call the local sheriff. She and Chad Beckett used to be poker buddies when she still worked in Gunnison. Wouldn’t he get a kick out of her calling for a rescue?
Cheyenne was dancing at her feet, knowing the waist pack meant a hike. Jake nearly laughed, something she’d not come close to doing in the last month. “Let’s go. Lead the way.” That was all it took. Cheyenne was out the door in a flash, her bushy tail held high as she shot into the forest, following the trail that they always took.
Jake took her time, using the cane and trying to put as much weight as she could stand on her leg. It would be throbbing like hell by the time they got back, but that was okay. She needed this, even if it was only a short hike, she needed it. She’d been treated like an invalid for the past three weeks. She didn’t care how much it hurt, she was going on a hike.
CHAPTER FOUR
Nicole leaned her pack against the rental car then looked inside one more time, making sure she hadn’t forgotten anything. She manually locked the door and slammed it. The rental car was a dud, but she wasn’t about to drive her Lexus down here and leave it parked for a week or more.
Struggling to lift the heavy pack onto her shoulders, she walked past the trailhead, pleased that hers was the only car in the tiny parking lot. She needed time alone and the last thing she wanted was to walk up on another hiker or two and have them ask her to join them. Even if she declined, they were obviously on the same trail. She remembered her last trip, four or five years ago, where she and another woman had crossed paths at least ten times over the course of five days. She finally gave up trying to avoid the woman and simply hiked with her the last day.
But not this trip. She would go off-trail if need be. This time, she craved solitude. And this late in the season, she would likely get it. Labor Day was right around the corner and the campgrounds would be full, but she doubted the backcountry would get that much activity. Checking her trail map one last time, she set out on the Colorado Trail, heading southwest to Cottonwood Pass. From there, she would take old Forest Service trails to the ghost town of St. Elmo. There was an old mining road that was now simply a trail. She would take that to reach Monarch Pass. Nicole figured five or six days to reach Monarch Pass, another two to hike down the mountain to the highway. Once she reached Salida, she’d grab a motel for a night, then hire a taxi to drive her back to Buena Vista and her rental car.
“Simple enough,” she murmured. She shoved the map into the back pocket of her jeans, steadily climbing the trail that would take her high into the Collegiate Peaks mountain range. She hadn’t been in this area in years. But with September only a few days away, she didn’t want to chance a trip into the northern mountains and get caught in an early season snowstorm. So, she’d studied the map for a more southerly route. And the Collegiate Peaks, with their numerous hot springs, seemed the logical choice.
She felt a spring in her step and she actually smiled when she hit the first switchback. Switchbacks meant she was climbing and climbing meant she was leaving her life behind, if only for a week or so.
CHAPTER FIVE
Jake tried to stretch her leg and nearly cried out from the pain. She reached blindly for the pain pills beside the bed and swallowed two. Cheyenne shifted next to her, moving around on the bed until she rested her face on Jake’s arm.
“It’s okay, sweetie. Just too much hiking.”
Cheyenne nudged her arm until Jake reached over to pet her, gently scratching behind her ear. “Spoiled rotten,” she murmured.
A short while later, she felt the pain pills kicking in, and she finally relaxed. She’d felt so good after their short hike on Saturday that she thought they could hike down to the rock pile overlook-ing the canyon. The hike down was fine. It was the climb back up that nearly did her in. She wasn’t afraid to admit that there were a couple of times that she wasn’t sure she could make it. She had cursed herself last night as she lay soaking in the tub, trying to stem off some of the soreness she knew she’d feel. It was a stupid thing to do, and it would probably take her a whole day to get the strength back. But… she had time. Her eyes finally closed… the pain pills had taken hold. She threaded her fingers into Cheyenne’s fur and fell asleep.
She held the gun tightly, finding him in her sights, but her hand trembled, she was shaking so. The boy was too close. Too close.
“He’s going to shoot him,” Perkins said as he knelt behind her.
“No he’s not.”
“Back off, bitch! I’ll do it! I mean it.”
“No! He’s done nothing,” she yelled.
“He’s dead! I mean it,” the man threatened.
Jake met his eyes. Even at this distance, she could see his fear, see his anger. She walked closer, her weapon still pointed squarely at him.
“Backup’s coming,” Perkins said urgently. “About fucking time.”
They heard the sirens in the distance, and Jake saw the man’s face twist in anger. “I said no more cops, bitch!” he yelled. He had the boy around the neck with his forearm and he pressed the gun to the boy’s head, pulling him along as tried to round the corner into the alley.
Jake moved with him, staring him down. “You’re not going any-where,” she yelled. “You’re a dead man.”
“Fuck you!”
Jake’s eyes widened as she saw his index finger tighten on the trigger.
“No!” she yelled. She felt the perspiration drip down her face, could feel the rapid pounding of her heart. “Don’t fucking do it!”
“Take him!” Perkins yelled as the boy screamed.
CHAPTER SIX
Nicole sat cross-legged on the boulder, staring toward the east as the sun finally showed itself, peeking above the mountains, chasing the shadows from the canyon and engulfing her in light. Her eyes widened as she took it all in. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed this, the simple pleasure of a sunrise on a clear morn-ing in the Rockies. Amazing, but for the brief moments that it took for the sun to scale the highest peak, Nicole’s mind had ceased its tumultuous churning and racing and simply stopped to enjoy the show.
Yes, this trip would be good for her. She’d ended her last session with the group only three days ago, holding over Sara and Lee Ann for future visits. The others she set up with support groups if they felt the need, but the last session told her that they’d accepted what had happened to them and were ready to move on. After ten weeks together, meeting three times a week and sharing the most intimate details of their lives, most of them had formed the bond necessary to be each other’s support. Nicole knew that was one of the best benefits of doing group sessions. It produced long-lasting friendships that would endure long after their therapy ended.
But she didn’t come up here to hash over her practice. She stood and brushed off her jeans, then went about the task of taking her tent down. The morning wasn’t exceptionally cold, so she would forego coffee and a hot meal and make do with a breakfast bar instead. She was anxious to get on the trail and put as many miles between her and her life as possible.
She rolled her eyes. God, if Dorothy could hear her thoughts, she’d set her up for a counseling session in a minute. And it wasn’t like she was really running from her life. In fact, she had a good life, a successful practice at a relatively young age, and she was
well respected by her colleagues. She paused, looking up thoughtfully. Was thirty-six considered young? She shrugged. Young enough, and it didn’t really matter. The point was, she had a good life.
Then why did it feel so… empty? She refused to even consider that being single contributed to her feelings. Lots of people were single. Not everyone had to have constant companionship to feel complete. She, of all people, should know that. But still, some-times, she wished there was someone to confide in, share things with, be with.
And therein lay the problem. It had been so long since she’d been intimate with someone, she was afraid it had become a habit she couldn’t break. Maybe she needed to take Catherine’s advice and just let her hair down and… and what? Anonymous sex? Jesus, the very thing she preached against in her sessions! Besides, that just wasn’t her. She was too… too conservative for that. She’d like to say that she was from the old school and wanted to have some sort of commitment before entering into a sexual relation-ship, but that wasn’t really it.
“Hell, I’m shy, okay,” she said out loud. Jesus, now I’m talking to myself.
Shy and… embarrassed. It was silly, and she knew it was silly but she still saw herself as the fat teenager with thick glasses nobody wanted to go out with, much less see naked! She’d poured herself into books instead of friends and graduated valedictorian, much to the dismay of Crissy Piper, who had wanted to add that to her long list of accomplishments, as if class president and head cheerleader weren’t enough.
Nicole pulled the heavy backpack onto her shoulders and adjusted the straps, recalling their fifteen-year class reunion. She didn’t know what possessed her to go, but she was awfully glad she had. There wasn’t a single member of her high school class she’d kept in touch with, but her mother received the invitation and urged Nicole to go. Nicole knew it was mostly her mother wanting to show her off. The fat teenager had grown up. Nicole wasn’t sure if her mother was more proud of the fact that she had “doctor” preceding her name or that she’d turned into a fitness freak with a toned body. Regardless, both caused quite a stir. That and the fact that Nicole now sported a chic blond hairstyle instead of the mousy brown ponytail of her childhood. She had seen the envious looks from her classmates and the appraising eyes of most of their husbands. Yes, she was awfully glad she’d gone. Especially when Crissy Piper showed up, looking every bit the married housewife and mother of three that she was.
