by Liz Gavin
“Yeah, I know. Where were you? Your mind was a thousand miles away, wasn’t it?”
“More like a thousand years away, love,” he pulled her closer to him and kissed her cheeks.
“You had a heavy expression,” Keira closed her eyes and felt her bones melting under his soft touch. “Sad memory?”
“A quite disturbing one,” noticing she was about to ask him for details, he added quickly, “I’ll tell you all about it, soon; but not tonight. We both need to rest.”
Keira snuggled up to him and Declan sighed. They were both so exhausted that he hoped they would fall asleep fast. He closed his eyes, feeling his muscles relax for the first time since he had left his home in Dublin. Seconds later, he tensed up when Keira kissed a trail along his chest until his throat, as she ran her hands on his skin. She played with his chest hair and smiled against a more sensitive spot on his neck.
“Don’t pretend to be asleep, silly. I know you’re not.”
He froze up and didn’t know how to respond to her attempts at seducing him. It was wrong in so many levels. She wasn’t ready for that and he knew it. On the other hand, she was emotionally fragile and if he weren’t tactful enough she might feel rejected. It could get very ugly, very fast. He caught her hands in his, kissed their palms, staring into her stormy blue eyes. Before he could say anything, she kissed his mouth.
“Kiss me, Declan, please,” she whispered, softly, against the corner of his mouth.
He was only human and couldn’t deny her a little harmless kiss. He couldn’t deny himself that, either. Keira took his receptiveness as encouragement and got bolder. She pressed her body fully against his, wrapped her hands behind his back, pulling him down as she arched her back. He hesitated again, knowing too well things would get out of control soon, if he let her go on kissing him like that. He pulled away and raised his head.
“Sorry, love, but I don’t think you’re ready for this. It’s too soon. Let me just hold you. We both need a good night’s sleep.”
She grabbed his shoulders and looked into his dark green eyes, ignoring his concerned expression, “I need you tonight, Declan Slane. I need this to feel alive. I went numb after the attack. I’m afraid I’ll freeze up inside,” she held him closer, wrapping her arms behind his neck and plastering her soft body against his hard one.
She stretched her body to reach his face, and sprinkled light kisses over his stern features, as she whispered, “You make me feel alive like no other man has ever done, sweetie. Please. Kiss me. I need your warmth, your fire to melt the ice in my heart. Help me forget what happened tonight.”
Declan resisted her seduction bravely up to the moment when her lush lips grazed the corner of his mouth. Her tongue tempted his lips, smashing down his already weakened defenses. He kissed Keira hard and urgently, taking control of the situation and moving over her to pin her gently to the mattress.
He also needed reassurance. He was terrified when he saw Paul attacking her. He was still shaken, afraid he would lose her forever. He wanted their passionate kiss to show her he was vulnerable, too. He had never wanted a woman more. He had never felt so afraid of his feelings, either.
Keira enjoyed his hungry caresses. She reveled under his thoughtful attentions and felt her body responding eagerly to Declan’s touch, opening up to a whole new and wonderful world of sensations. Their bodies fit together in perfect symmetry. She was out of breath from the intensity of the emotions he arose in her body. She felt like floating on air until flashes of Paul’s contrastingly brutal attack came up to life inside her head. She closed her eyes to better concentrate on Declan’s sweet hands traveling up her legs but it was worse. She froze up in Declan’s arms. He stopped kissing her neck and lifted his head to look at Keira. A deep crease settled between his eyebrows. He had a pretty good idea why she had gone stone cold but had to ask her.
“What’s wrong, love?” he whispered.
“I thought I could, but I just can’t do this. I know you’re not him, but I keep feeling his hands on me. I’m sorry, Declan,” she babbled, on the brink of hysteria.
Feeling defeated and weak, Keira rested her forehead on his chest to hide her tears. It was useless because Declan heard them in her voice. He lifted her chin gently, until their eyes met, rubbing his thumbs over her cheeks to dry them.
“Keira, love, don’t say you’re sorry. There’s nothing for you to feel ashamed of or to apologize for, silly. I understand,” he kissed the tip of her nose.
“It’s just that, in the short while we’ve known each other, I’ve cried in front of you more times than I’ve ever cried before in my life. You must think I’m a stupid little brat.”
“That’s nonsense, baby. You’ve been through hell tonight. Crying is a natural, human reaction,” he rolled on his back pulling her into his arms again. He rested his chin on the top of her head, and soothed her, whispering in her ears, “It’s okay, Keira. Everything will be fine.”
When her arms closed tightly around his waist and the sobs raked her body, he closed his eyes to stop his own tears from falling. He needed to be strong for her, despite his own fears. She needed him to support her, even though the ground seemed to have disappeared from under his feet and he felt like falling from the top of a high building. His stomach sank with each sob that came out of her and he mentally beat himself up one more time.
“I should have thrashed the sod to kingdom come.”
Gradually, her crying subsided and she got quiet. He kissed her hair and rubbed her back and shoulders all the while. Her breathing got even and deep. She had fallen asleep, at last, although it would take him a long time to find sleep. He was too agitated so he propped himself up on one elbow and watched Keira sleep. He brushed a lock of her hair from her face, running his finger over her soft cheeks, which were still a little damp.
His heart shrank inside his chest and skipped a couple of beats. He had seen that kind of suffering before. All the pain, all the ghosts from his past returned to haunt him. He had witnessed the woman he loved most in the world be brutalized. At that time, he had been paralyzed; unable to help her. He was terrified to think he might be useless now, as well.
What if I can’t help Keira, either? I’d never forgive myself for that.
Watching her sleep so deeply, so calmly, after all that she had been through soothed his wounded soul and he fell into sleep. But it was a restless, filled with nightmares that mixed images from his childhood and flashes of Keira’s attack.
He woke up gasping and, startled, sat up on the bed. It took him a few seconds to understand where he was and remember what had happened the day before.
Moaning, he wiped his hands over his face before checking the time on the nightstand alarm clock - only seven in the morning. Keira wasn’t in bed. There was light coming from under the bathroom door and he went there to check up on her. He raised his hand to knock on the door and stopped halfway, fist in the air, when he heard Keira heaving. He clenched his jaw, indecisive between giving her privacy and making sure she was fine. He went for the middle ground.
“Keira, do you need help in there?”
“No, I’m fine,” was her muffled reply, after a brief hesitation.
She sounded too weak for his peace of mind. He leaned against the door and strained his ears to hear what she was doing inside the bathroom. When he heard the shower, he went back to sit on the bed, facing the bathroom door. It didn’t take long for Keira to get out. She wore her pajamas and was towel drying her hair. She flashed him a shy smile, as she sat beside Declan, “Good morning.”
“I sure hope it is,” he laughed, dryly. “I don’t mean to be rude, love, but you look awful.”
“Thank you!” she playfully punched his shoulder. “Just what a girl hopes to hear from a man in the morning.”
“How are you, Keira?”
He kissed her cheek, she sighed, and stopped pretending to be light-hearted.
“You’re beginning to know me too well, Declan,” she stared down a
t her fingers laced together on her lap. “I feel awful. Every inch of my body aches. It’s like I’ve been run over by a semi-truck.”
“Emotionally, you went through something worse than that, little one. And physically, it wasn’t easy, either. I guess you don’t want to go down for breakfast.”
“Urgh, I can’t eat anything right now.”
“That’s not an option, young lady. Yesterday, I promised a very angry Megan I’d take good care of you. She threatened to rip my heart out of my chest if I lied to her. Somehow, I kind of believe she’s capable of doing that.”
Keira laughed wholeheartedly at his feigned terrified expression.
“You know what? You’d better watch out, because I think she just might do something like that, if she thinks you’ve hurt me. She’s always been overprotective of me. She’d chase off any kid who tried to bully me at school or in our neighborhood.”
“I’ll order breakfast, then.”
“Just some fruit for me, please.”
“No way. You’ll eat a proper, healthy Irish breakfast.”
She sighed and looked up at the ceiling when he turned away from her to talk to the person on the other side of the line.
“And don’t roll your eyes, Miss Ashe,” he told her, without turning around to face her, but covering the mouthpiece. “I know I can be an overbearing bastard when I want to be. This time, it’s for your own good.”
Keira thought it was comforting to have a person know her so well. She needed to feel safe, to recover from the ordeal she had been through, and having Declan take care of her that way was going to ease the process. Hanging up, he turned and held her face, staring into her blue eyes as if he wanted to probe the darkest corners of her mind.
“Sweetheart, you know you can trust me, right? You’ll tell me if you need anything, in case I’m too dense to notice it, please,” he begged.
“Declan, I’ll be fine. I am fine. You are taking excellent care of me. I’ll make sure to tell Megan that,” she teased and offered him a wide smile. “If nothing else, you’re making me laugh. That is great.”
He pulled her closer and she leaned her head on his shoulder. She relished the warmth and the feeling of safety that radiated from Declan, enveloping and cocooning her from any danger. She remembered something that had been hovering at the back of her mind since he had appeared in her room the day before. She sat upright to face him. Her eyes sparkled like a pair of sapphires.
“What the hell are you doing in Cork, Declan Slane?”
“Now you ask me that?” he laughed.
“Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful you are here, but I never asked you why you came down to Cork. I was just too relieved you did.”
“Well, the answer to ‘why’ I came to Cork is quite a long one. The short version is that I missed you.”
His hands tried to pull her back into his strong arms, but she resisted him.
“Oh, no, mister. You won’t distract me so easily this time. I want to know exactly what happened and we don’t have anywhere else to go today. Spill it!”
As Declan searched for words to best start explaining his reasons to go to Cork, there was a knock on the door.
“Room service,” a voice announced.
“I heard your sigh of relief, young man. You won’t escape this conversation,” Keira pointed an angry finger at him as she stood up and walked to the door.
Declan was right behind her. He got the tray while she signed the order and tipped the man at the door. When he put it down on the table by the bed, she poured the tea. They started eating and she found out she was hungrier than she had expected to be.
“Well, Declan Slane, why did you decide to come down here?”
“I told you my brothers and I had an awful childhood, remember? I said I’d tell you everything about that in person.”
She nodded without taking her eyes off of him. He sighed and hesitated.
“There are so many things about my past I want to tell you, Keira, so much pain. I don’t know where to start.”
“The beginning is usually a nice place to start,” she whispered, then, encouraged him with a smile. “But I understand if these memories are too painful for you, Declan. Just give me a short, less hurtful, version of the facts. ”
“I want you to know exactly what happened, though,” he sighed, putting his cup down on the table.
Keira had also finished her breakfast so they got comfortable sitting on the bed, resting against the pillows. He held her hands and she played with his fingers.
“My father was an alcoholic and a gambler. Luckily for him, his family had enough money to support his vices. When he met my mother, she was this sweet and beautiful young woman. He was attracted to her innocence and grace, probably because they were traits he never found in the people surrounding him. His parents were delighted with the idea of him settling down and starting a family. He started a family right away but never got to the settling down part. Even after my two older brothers and I were born, my father never saw himself as the provider of our family. He relied on his parents’ money for that, while he was too busy pursuing other interests, like women, gambling, and booze.
My mother tried to work but he never allowed her out of the house for more than a couple of hours - time enough to run the household errands and return to the place ‘where she belonged’, as he used to say. Don’t get me wrong, Keira. My mother loved us deeply, but she wasn’t a happy, fulfilled woman.
Father would spend most nights out, in the pubs, drinking his family’s allowance or losing it in the darts and on women. When he got home, hammered and broke, he was all too eager to take his frustrations out on us. My mother was his constant and favorite punching bag. He would beat her up and, if any of my older brothers tried to come between them, he’d beat them up, too.”
“How awful! I’m so sorry, Declan,” Keira couldn’t keep her indignation to herself.
“The worst part was that he used to make my mom think she had done something wrong to deserve that kind of treatment. After a while, my brothers and I would run and hide whenever we saw our father clenching his fists. We would run to our bedroom and I would hide under my bed.”
Keira held his hand between hers, taking it to her lips and kissing it.
“You don’t need to go on, if it’s too much. I get the picture,” she suggested when his face screwed up and he seemed in pain.
“Thanks, honey, I can do this. I have to do this,” he kissed her forehead and laced their fingers together. “One night, when I was six, my brothers were out of the house when the fighting started. I hid in my usual spot under the bed for a while. When I heard crashing sounds and my mom’s screams coming from the living room, I ran there. I froze at the doorway when I saw mom lying on the floor in a pool of blood. He had thrown her against the crystal cabinet smashing it to pieces. The shards of glass had cut her everywhere and she was bleeding. I didn’t know what to do.
Before I could move, my father heard me. He turned to me and I thought he had a fever or something. His face was red and his eyes were burning. He walked towards me while my mother shouted to me to go back to my bedroom. My limbs were heavy as lead, though. I couldn’t move. Suddenly, something snapped in my head. I hurled at my father, kicking and screaming. I was terrified my mom would wind up dead in his hands. I thought I could save her if I hit him hard.”
He stopped and Keira threw her arms around his neck, pulling him into an embrace and holding him tight.
“Declan, please, stop it. I get it,” she whispered as she kissed his damp cheeks.
“No, Keira, you don’t. I didn’t get it, either, at the time,” he gave her the saddest smile she had ever seen. “It took me years to start understanding what happened that night. To be honest, I’m not sure I will ever understand it completely.”
“You were only six. What could you have done?”
“I punched his thigh, which was the highest I could reach. He grabbed me by the neck and squeezed it. I gaspe
d and heard my mom’s weak pleas for him to stop. Then, I passed out. Later, I found out that Jennifer’s parents had heard the commotion. They had come in just in time to take me from my father’s hands. They called the police, but, by the time the ambulance arrived, my mother had bled to death.”
“Did he go to jail for that?”
“The police said there wasn’t enough evidence to rule out accidental death. There were signs of a struggle, but no records of previous complaints. Mom had never pressed charges against him for the many times he had assaulted her. Besides, his family had a lot of money. I don’t know how much effort the police put into finding out if he were a murderer.”
“Oh, my God, Declan,” she squeezed his hands. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Thank you, sweetie,” he cupped her face and kissed her softly. “But it isn’t over.”
“What? How come?”
“Without mother around, he got worse. He drank and gambled more. A little after her passing, he started bringing women to the house, too. They were mostly prostitutes he paid to keep him company. They wore my mom’s clothes and stole her things. It was very painful for me, and my brothers, to see our mother’s memory being defiled like that. Without my mom’s protection, my brothers and I became the ones he’d beat up whenever he felt like doing so. He didn’t even pretend to have a reason anymore.
After a couple of years, my father married a woman he had met during a trip to London. Her name was Sally. She was Irish - from Limerick. My brothers and I thought things would finally improve for us because she was a great lady. I was almost nine when they married, and a little over eleven when she left him. First time he raised a hand at her, she was out the door.”
“Smart woman!”
“That was the thing, Keira, she was. She also tried to teach a lot of things to me and my brothers. We weren’t an easy bunch to deal with, as you can imagine.”
