“You’re welcome. Have a good day.” I nod my head at him before leaving the room.
I glance outside to see that it is a bright, sunny day. I hurry into the kitchen for a bottle of water and a bacon sandwich. I still found I looked for Sam every day. I am glad that she’s out of this place, but I still miss her so much.
Once I have eaten my breakfast, I make my way outside. It is already sunny and warm. I saunter over to the tall oak tree and sit underneath it.
“I miss you, Olivia,” I say out loud. I feel foolish talking to myself, but I’d promised the grief counsellor that I would do this. I needed to do this to heal, to move on. “Some days I still can’t believe that you were taken from us. That I won’t see you waltz into my apartment as if it were your own. That I won’t see all your clothes spread out over my spare bedroom because you felt like Mum and Dad were suffocating you. I miss those days.” I take a deep breath, my chest tightening. I rub my sternum to relive the pain.
I lay back on the grass and rest my arms under my head.
“I met someone. He’s gorgeous, tall, blonde hair, blue eyes. Cheeky smile and a body to die for. He’s helped me a lot. He’s my anchor. If I feel like I’m getting anxious or angry, all I have to do is think about him. I can’t imagine the influence he’ll have on me once we’re actually together. He’ll keep me calm at a fight. I can’t wait to have him by the side of the cage with Coach.” Shit, would he be able to do that? Would asking him to come to a fight be temptation for him? To gamble? I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
The thought that Olivia never told me she was pregnant, makes my breath catch in my throat. Why? I shake my head and I wipe away a stray tear and take a deep breath, filling my lungs with much needed air.
I spend most of the day under that tree, talking to Olivia. It’s good for me, and I feel more at peace with her. One of the things I will do when I get out of here is visit her grave. It’s about time I pay my respects to her in the proper way.
Why do we, as humans, put ourselves through certain things in life? I am all for an easy life, but are anyone’s lives truly easy and laid back? If I thought that telling Coach about my sexuality was bad and made my anxiety go crazy, waiting here, out in the garden, for six of my teammates to turn up is making my whole nervous system go haywire.
I am not expecting too much from these lads, but I am hoping that I get some acceptance from them. A man can hope and pray, right?
“There he is. Hey, fucker!” Davies shouts over as they all walk towards me. My heart skips a few beats as I wait for them to close the gap. Davies, Hardy, Rossi, Lennon, Ramos and Allen approach me.
“Hey. How are you, fellas?” I ask, giving each of them a man-hug. Fuck, will this be the last time they let me touch them? My heart aches at the thought. Davies, Allen and I came up through the youth training team together, and it will gut me if they turn on me.
“We’ve been good, mate. Missed you at game time,” Allen pipes in. I nod my head and take a seat on one of the chairs. It is now or never. I know that I have to do this before I bottle it.
“Listen, I brought you here today to talk to you privately, before I go public with it,”
“What you mean, Matthews?” Rossi asks, his Italian accent coming through. I take a deep breath and let it all out.
“I’m gay. I have been for years, but kept it hidden. Being a gay man in our sport – fuck, any sport - is hard, but I can’t hide anymore. I need to be me. Open and free from the weight that has been dragging me down.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. The boys stare at me like Coach did and say nothing. I take a quick look around and spy my exit, in case it all blows up in my face. Davies barks out a laugh, making me jump out of my skin.
“About fucking time, brother.” I stare at him, completely dumbfounded by his response.
“My man likes cock. That is the funniest thing I have ever heard. What about all the girls you shagged?” I shrug as Lennon's question.
“I didn’t shag them. I paid them to keep their mouths shut and leave. I was fucking scared that I would be kicked off the team, that I would lose my friends and family. Turns out I was wrong. Are you all seriously okay with me being gay?”
“Oh, man, you should know by now how open-minded we are. Look at Ramos here, look at the kink he loves. We don’t judge. I am a little hurt that you would judge us before speaking to us,” Lennon says. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, taking in everything that they say. These lads are my life, my work. They are my best friends in this industry. He is right: I did judge them about their reactions before talking to them.
“Do you know how happy you have made me? I have been so fucking scared. But while we are getting everything off our chests… I have met someone. He is fucking amazing.”
“Dude, you didn’t wait long, did you. So, what’s his name?” I chuckle and answer Davies.
“His name is Damon Vardy,” The shock that covers their faces is bloody priceless. I chuckle as the boys open and close their mouths a few times, before Allen speaks.
“Like the Damon-fucking-Vardy? As in ‘Hot Head’ Vardy?” He almost chokes on his words, but I just smile and nod my head.
“Yeah.” I see the boys looking around and laugh out loud. “He isn’t here, you knobheads. He is in a different recovery centre. We were signed up to an emailing system where we talk and help each other with our different issues. He has helped me a lot, and I have done the same for him. I can tell that you are fans, so you know about his fight with Noble.” They nod their heads.
“Did Coach tell you why I am in here?” I ask them, taking the time to look each of them in the eye. I am not ashamed of why I am here. I have dealt with that. I am going to move forward with my life. No more gambling, no more putting my family and my team at risk.
“Yeah, he told us. Why didn’t you come to me? Or one of us?” Davies asks.
“I didn’t think I had a problem. I really thought I could stop. It didn’t seem to take over my life until I was losing every bet and the money was drying up. I’m sorry, boys, I truly am. But I’m good now. Damon and the people here have been amazing. They have helped me through it all. I am looking forward to getting out of here.”
“I bet you are.” Lennon winks. Davies punches him in the shoulder and we all laugh. “What? Poor choice of words?”
“Fucker.” I quipped.
“So, you are defeating the odds, Ford Matthews. I am fucking proud of you, man. Damned proud,” Ramos states, making a football-sized lump form in my throat, stopping me from speaking. I just nod and try to keep my emotions at bay. Davies stands and pulls me to my feet, wrapping me up in a hug. The rest of the lads follow suit.
Allen jerks back from our hug and says, “Hey, now. I know I am a sexy bastard, but there will be none of those roaming hands on my body, Mr. I am a pussy kinda guy, not a dick kinda guy.” He laughs at his joke.
“Fuck off.” I tell him.
They spend most of the day with me, all of us chatting and joking around. I show them around the centre, and they meet Spencer and Cleo. Allen becomes quite taken with her. He loves giving her compliments and making her blush. She agrees to design his next tattoo for his lower arm, so they spend a lot of time together going over possible designs. They even exchange email addresses. I love seeing her smile. It’s truly made my day, just as much as the boys accepting my sexuality.
Once they leave, I grab some food from the canteen and head back to my room to message Damon. I want to talk to him about everything that happened today. He seems to be the only person I want to tell my good news to. I click on the chat request button, but it goes unanswered. I frown at the screen, a few unwelcome thoughts running around my head. Is he with that Sam again? We never talked about him in great detail.
Is Damon getting it off him because I am not there to give it in person? Nothing beats the physical contact of someone. The feel of their skin touching yours. Fuck. I shake my head, trying to rid the shitty thoughts.
/>
I bring up my email and send one off to Castle Ink. Seeing how things are with them and if they can fit me in when I get out of this place, and to check if they are still good with having Cleo come and train with them. Hopefully she can get into tattooing like she wants. Dex replies pretty much straight away, letting me know that we are golden on all fronts. He can fit me in whenever, and Cleo can start whenever she is ready. I leave the laptop open and lay down on my bed. Folding my arms behind my head, I stare off into space and listen to the daily sounds of the centre around me. I forgot to close the door, but I don’t have the energy to get up and close it. I drift off to sleep, and my usually sexy dreams turn into nightmares of Damon having sex with a faceless person. Sam, I can only imagine. I wake with a start, not happy with what I dreamt, but there is nothing I can do about it until I speak with Damon.
I’ve now been in here for forty-five days, and I have another forty-five days to go, unless I can convince them to let me leave early. I feel like I have come a long way. I’ve grieved for my sister, learnt how to come to terms with losing her and how to deal with it. My mum and dad no longer set off my anger issues, and who knew that I would actually enjoy doing yoga.
Ford and I video chat every single morning and evening without fail, and sometimes we even sneak a few cheeky chat messages on HiTalk.
Last week he asked me to take the laptop to the gym with me as he wanted to watch me working out. At first, I thought it was a strange request, but after I got hot and sweaty, he was hot and sweaty too. Just after I finished the first round on the punching bag, I’d turned back to the laptop just in time to see him cum. That sight alone had me running to the shower and thinking of him. This guy has made me fall hard for him. I just hope we get on outside of the bedroom. I wasn’t a great fan of football, but I was willing to give it a shot for him.
As soon as my eyes flicker open, I grab for the laptop. My heart skips at the sight of him. I quickly boot it up and click on the video chat button. I love seeing Ford all sleepy with crazy bed hair.
“Hey, you.” I smile as the call connects.
“Morning, babe. How did you sleep? Did you dream of me?”
“Always. This time I had you pinned to a wall as I devoured you. It was hot.” I shoot him a wink and he rewards me with a full smile.
“Fuck. Now that is something to look forward to. I dreamt about you too.”
“Oh yeah? Was I doing anything sexy?”
“You are always doing something sexy, Damon. This time around you were slamming into me while I was straddling your thick thighs. Your big, rough hand wrapped around my cock until we came.”
Shit, now I was as hard as stone. Looks like I’d be needing a shower before breakfast.
“Let’s add that to list of stuff to do together.” I chuckle. “You got much on today? How’s Cleo doing?”
“We will have a long list of things to do together when we get out of here. I am seeing Cleo today to talk about my new tattoo. Not sure what I want yet. Plus, I want details on the emails that she has been sending Allen. Hey, did you have a talk with your doctor about being released early?”
“Isn’t she just designing him a tattoo?” I ask as I rub the sleep out of my eyes. “Oh, yeah I spoke to the doc again and he said he should have some news for me today or tomorrow. Do you think you can get out early?” I ask him.
“Yeah, she is, but the bastard was flirting with her. She is still fragile at the moment. I don’t want him to do anything to hurt her. That’s awesome, fingers crossed that it goes our way. I need to talk to Doctor Wilks as well, actually.”
“How do you feel your recovery is going?” I rub my hand over my very stubbled chin. I hadn’t shaved in days again. We didn’t talk about our recovery in great detail, but I wanted to make sure he was doing okay. The one thing I wanted was for him to be at my first fight, and I didn’t want him feeling like he had to be there if he was still struggling with gambling.
“It is going good. I knew I never had a huge problem anyway, but the thrill isn’t there anymore. Sometimes I would get that itchy feeling to place a bet, but now I don’t. When I was watching the game last night, during half time a betting advert came on. It didn’t make me twitch or anything. To be honest, I thought of you. So that’s a bonus, right?”
“You don’t know how proud of you I am. And you thought of me? Is that because I lost you your last bet?” I laugh.
“Thank you. Honestly… no. The thought of losing you and my family is far greater than losing some money. It isn’t worth it, babe. I have more sexier things to obsess over.”
“Hmmm, I’m liking the sound of that.” I glance at my bedroom door as someone knocks on it. “Can you just hold on one minute, there’s someone at the door.”
“Come in,” I call out. I can’t be arsed to get out of bed. I am comfy here with Ford on my lap. Will steps into my room.
“Doctor Shilcott has reviewed your notes and wants a meeting with you at two o’clock this afternoon,” Will explains.
“Okay, got it. Thanks.” I smile at him.
“Are you coming for breakfast?”
“Yeah, I’ll be five minutes.” He nods his head before leaving, closing the door behind him.
“Sorry about that. You still there?” All I can see is an empty bed.
“Yeah, I’m here. So, two o’clock it is then.”
“Nosey, listening to my conversation.” I laugh. “Yep, two o’clock. Fingers crossed for some great news.”
“Nosey. Babe, if you didn’t want me to listen in then you should have closed the laptop. But I want to know everything that is to do with you. That’s how this relationship stuff works, isn’t it? I will be thinking of you at the time then. Let me know what they say.”
“I’ll message you straight away. I best get my sexy arse out of bed and go and have breakfast before they close the kitchen. I’ll speak to you later. Have a great day, Ford.”
“I can’t wait to have that sexy arse in my bed and feed you breakfast. Later, man,”
I smile at him once more before I shut the laptop down and climb out of bed. I put it on charge. I don’t want it to be dead and not be able to speak to him when I wanted to.
I decide against a shower this morning as I am going to head straight to the gym after breakfast. I am worried about what the doc is going to say. Will he deny me the chance of leaving early? Will I have to spend another forty-five days away from Ford? God, I hope not.
I have the music blaring out loud in my gym as I work on a circuit. I’m going from the speedball to the large bag, to skipping, to sit ups and mountain climbers.
I stop dead in my tracks when my music cuts out. I spin around on my heel, and leaning against the doorway, is my coach.
“Hey, Coach. Great to see you.” I smile as I saunter over to him and shake his hand.
“You’re looking great, Damon.” He nods his head as if he is agreeing with himself.
“What are you doing here?” I glance at the clock on the wall to see that it is nearly one thirty. I need to have a shower and get to the doc’s office.
“I’ve come to talk to you.” He lumbers past me and sits on the bench at the back of the gym.
“Ah, I’d love to chat, but I’ve got a meeting with the doc in half an hour and need to shower first.”
“Doctor Shilcott called me. That’s why I’m here.” He pats the bench beside him and I amble over and sit next to him. What was this about? Why was my doc calling him?
“Do I need to be worried?” I ask as I pull my hair tie out and let my locks fall to my shoulders.
“No. Look, the doctor called me as he said you’d expressed an interest in leaving early-”
“I really think I’m ready, Coach. I’m ready to get back in your training gym and get in the cage.” I cut him off.
“He told me that you had shown great improvements and that you even liked that yoga shit. Am I going to have to get you a yoga instructor now?” He chuckles.
“Only if h
e’s tall, broad and handsome,” I joke.
“The doctor said that you didn’t blow up in anger when you met with your parents again, unlike the time before. I’m very proud of you.” He squeezes my shoulder before continuing. “There’s something you need to do first before they will even consider letting you out.”
“What’s that?”
“You need to meet with Noble. Here.” I jump to my feet and start pacing.
“Are you kidding me? Why do I need to do that?”
“Because he is the main route of your triggers. We need to be assured that you won’t go batshit crazy when you come face-to-face with him, in any situation.”
Ford pops into my head. I can do this. For him and me. So we can be together as soon as possible. I just hope like hell that he’ll be released early, too.
“Fine. I’ll do it.” I cross my arms, making sure my racing heart doesn't break through my chest, at the thought of seeing Noble again. “Now, I need to get to my meeting.”
“You don’t have a meeting. It was for me to come and see you. I was early, so I came to find you. I’m glad you’re making good use of this equipment. Hopefully someone else will get use out of it when you’re gone.”
“We’re not taking it with us?”
“Nope. This was your generous donation to this place.”
“There you go again, spending my money.” I shake my head in amusement.
“You’ve got an olympian trainer bill coming your way too, boy.”
“Yeah?” I smile. “How’s Sam doing?”
“She’s good. That brother of yours brings her to the gym and collects her every day. Quite smitten with each other, they are.”
“I’m glad to hear she’s happy.”
“She is. Now go and shower. You stink, boy.” He pushes me out of the gym and I head into the showers. “I’ll see you soon, Damon.”
“See ya, Coach.”
Meeting Noble… I’m not sure how I will cope with that at all. Only time will tell.
I’m waiting for Damon to let me know what they said about his early release. I need to talk with the doc about my own early release. My chat with Cleo was eventful. We talked about my new tattoo - I am having a design on my ribs that ties in with the swirls on my chest and shoulder – and we talked about her and Allen. She has already told him all the crap that she has been through, and he was wary at first, but then he told her he would help through whatever she needed. I guess they felt the connection, just like Damon and me.
Defeating the Odds Page 13
