by Isla Gordon
But she kept her promise to herself about pushing herself forward, and every day when the thoughts and worries threatened to smother her from within, that would be the moment she’d bury them deep and take herself out and onto the mountain.
After her snowboarding lesson with Lola, Alice had – with the rose-tinted glasses of someone whose physical aches had subsided – decided it felt good to have her body feel strong and used again. She knew her leg injury might cause her pain, but she needed it. If it went away, it was like it had all been erased. She didn’t want to let her skills go to waste, so she bought a lift pass for the season, and bought some of Lola’s old equipment off her, and vowed that every day she would practise for an hour.
She wasn’t really fussed about being a pro snowboarder. Which was lucky because she was pretty awful at the moment. But it gave her something to think about. It presented opportunities for shared smiles with strangers during a pause in the sunshine. It let her skin see the sunshine and her heart beat faster. And slowly, slowly, with each day that passed, Alice got stronger. She fell less, and stood up tall more and more.
And she’d found something else to do, something festive, just for her and her Bear. Every day on their evening walk, they went off to find the day’s Advent window. She’d discovered this Mürren tradition by chance on the third day of December, passing a house with a beautifully decorated window including a giant sparkling ‘3’. Every day was a different house, and anyone was invited to come along and take a look, and enjoy an apéro – a drink and a small bite to eat and a chat with a local resident. With every apéro she felt more at home.
Café LIV had accepted her drawings, and Alice worked daily creating more, adding festive touches to draw in the pre-Christmas customers. The calendar edged ever closer towards the big day, and she treated herself with dog hugs, random books, warm teas while sitting in her nook, a chat with her friends next door. One morning, after a restless night, she had to really drag herself out of the door for Bear’s walk, so when she was out she bought some ingredients at the Coop and her treat, or her distraction, was to bake some Basler Brunsli – traditional Swiss Christmas cookies – from a recipe she’d found online. As the day at the thermal springs had told her over a month before, it was okay to have a little self-care, just as it was okay to feel really crap about everything. She didn’t do a great job on the cookies, and Marco, Noah and David all politely spat theirs out into napkins and promised to show her how it was done sometime. But nevertheless, she persisted.
Chapter 32
On the fourteenth of December, Alice was busy on the internet researching Swiss festivities for her illustrations when she saw something that caught her eye. How far was Zurich from here? A couple of hours?
Vanessa’s tours started and ended in Zurich. She often had a free evening when one ended and before the next one began, but it wasn’t worth her coming all the way back to Mürren. If Alice could combine what she’d just spotted with a visit to Vanessa, then why not?
Five minutes later, following a quick text conversation with her tour guide friend who was currently sitting at the front of the bus on her way into the deliciously named town of Gruyères, Alice was crunching to the neighbouring chalet and rapping on the door.
‘Bear and I are going on a road trip tomorrow afternoon. Does anyone want to go to Zurich with us? We’re going to see the Singing Christmas Tree.’
Marco, Noah and David all cheered heartily, and Lola laughed. ‘The what?’
‘Have I never taken you to see the Singing Christmas Tree?’ Noah asked her.
‘No, I would remember that.’
‘It’s a Swiss Christmas tradition,’ Alice answered. ‘Apparently. It’s a big Christmas tree-shaped structure that choirs stand on in rows and sing festive carols and songs. And there’s a Christmas market there as well. It looks really special all lit up with twinkly lights and glowing stars.’
‘It sounds mad but amazing. I’m in,’ said Lola. ‘Are you staying over? Zurich’s a couple of hours away.’
‘Yeah. I didn’t want to drive back late in the dark. Vanessa’s got the night off tomorrow and the Airbnb she stays in between tours is dog-friendly. I was going to see if we could both stay with her, so I can see if you guys can all crash there too?’
‘Find out the address; maybe we can get an Airbnb in the same building. Or at least we can.’ Lola motioned to herself and Noah. ‘It would be nice to not have these two under the same roof for twenty-four hours.’
‘I have a regular group lesson at eleven o’clock in the morning on the Friday, but Thursday afternoons are private bookings so I will block it out as unavailable,’ said David. He looked up at Marco from his phone calendar. ‘I have nothing in tomorrow after 12.30. If that’s okay with you?’
‘I have a day off tomorrow and then am on the late shift on Friday,’ Marco replied. ‘Besides, how could I deny you a night under tinsel stars with Vanessa?’
‘Okay, let’s do this then.’ She’d made a plan! ‘Do any of you have a car we could take? I can take one, maybe two people in mine with us. Or I can try and take all of you if we can persuade Bear to sit in the boot.’
‘We can take our car,’ Noah answered. ‘I don’t think that dog will fit in the boot.’
Alice was relieved. She’d never tried putting Bear in the boot before, but she knew she wouldn’t fancy a two-hour journey in there. ‘So we can all go! This is really lovely.’ And she meant it.
By the time the morning rolled around, the plans were all set. They’d take two cars, Noah and Lola’s, and Alice and Bear’s, and Marco and David would join one car each. They’d leave after lunch, arrive in Zurich mid-afternoon, meet Vanessa at her Airbnb and check Noah and Lola into theirs, in the same building, then head out to experience the famed Singing Tree and the Weihnachtsmärkt – the Christmas market.
Bear was on his best behaviour all the way down the cableway to the car park at Stechelberg – sitting when told, not pulling on his lead, giving a paw whether people knew they needed it or not, and sticking very closely beside Marco.
‘You are my shadow today, right?’ Marco said, stroking him behind the ears, and Bear gazed at him in adoration, leaning into his hand.
‘I think you better go in the car with Alice today,’ remarked David, heading for the other car beside Lola. ‘I don’t think Bear will let you out of his sight.’
‘It’s me and you, buddy!’ Marco grinned at Bear as the three of them crunched carefully over the icy tarmac to Alice’s car.
The car was covered in a layer of snow and ice and Alice had to wriggle the handle for a minute or two before the back door would open and she could guide Bear inside and clip him in to his hammock.
‘You jump in, I’m just going to scrape the ice off,’ she told Marco.
‘No way, I will help!’ he cried, and as she made a start with the ice scraper, he used his credit card to push great sweeps of powder from the windows.
Alice stole a glance at Marco from the other side of the car, at his muscles working hard and his arms flecked with snowflakes.
It was tough going – the ice was thick and hard – and by the time the two met over the front windscreen, they both had sweating foreheads, despite the frosted fingertips. Eventually Alice hopped in the driver’s seat, with Marco next to her in the passenger side.
‘Brr, feels like we’ve climbed into a fridge!’ she remarked, turning on the engine and upping the front heaters. She was pleased to find the car started, having not driven it in over a month. Then again, it had often sat for long periods on its lonesome in London. ‘Thanks for your help. Let’s just wait a few minutes for the car to get herself ready.’
Alice was rubbing her hands together, her finger joints cramped and cold, when Marco reached over and cupped her hands in his. ‘It’s okay, trust me, I am a paramedic,’ he joked.
‘Is this what you do to patients up mountains?’ she asked.
‘Well,’ he said, still holding her hands firmly in hi
s, thawing them out. ‘If we were up a mountain I would actually be wrapping you up in a tight bundle and putting heat pads under your jacket. But I think that is more third date territory for us, yes?’
Alice knew he was joking, he was just being kind, funny Marco, but huddled in their little car with only the noise of the engine running and snow framing the glass on all sides of them, she felt like she already was wrapped in a bundle with him. And she liked it.
But they should get going. She broke free and put the Airbnb address into the satnav. ‘I hope you’re wearing a lot of layers, because we can’t keep the car too hot or this one will start whining.’ As it was, Bear was already snoozing, stretched out on the back seat, happy to be with company.
‘I will be just fine. I’m very happy to be chauffeur driven all the way to Zurich! I have brought car snacks.’ He pulled out some cookies and a flask of coffee that she could already smell. ‘And a car playlist, if that’s okay?’
‘What’s on the playlist?’ Alice pictured some obscure Euro-rock filling her car for two hours, but Marco plugged in his phone and out of the speakers came the soft, warming sounds of the Rat Pack singing Christmas classics.
‘This is nice,’ she said, driving out of the car park into the snow-lined lanes, settling back and enjoying the feel of independence that came with being on the road, combined with the solidarity of company.
‘I really like this album,’ Marco replied, tapping away on his leg.
Alice nodded, and even Bear stuck his nose between the seats and sighed with comfort.
‘Did you always want a dog, before you took him on?’ asked Marco.
‘No.’ Alice laughed. ‘I actually distinctly remember thinking Jill was mad getting a puppy. I thought he would take over her whole life . . . ’ She paused, not meaning it to sound so poignant. ‘But he did, in the best way. She only had him a month but she loved him so much already. He was all she spoke about; her phone was filled with photos of him. And now I’m the same!’ Alice’s pre-Bear existence seemed so distant now.
‘Was it hard, having a dog this big while you lived in the city? Because I remember even as young puppies how chunky they are.’
‘Well, Jill lived further out of London than me, and she had a big house and garden, so for her space had never been an issue. For me, I lived in a tiny flat which felt more tiny the bigger he got. Have you seen Alice in Wonderland, the Disney version?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe. I think so, when I was small.’
‘There’s a scene where Alice starts growing and growing and fills every room of the house to the point her arms and legs are poking out of windows and her head through the roof. Bear was kind of like that.’
‘Filling up your whole life,’ suggested Marco.
Right when it was feeling kind of empty. ‘Plus the walking routes were limited where I lived. So yes, it was hard, hence why I moved here.’
‘I never asked – what made you pick Switzerland over just, you know, the English countryside?’
It was such a big question that Alice didn’t quite know where to start, so she started with where Bear had started. ‘Jill always wanted a Bernese. She said they had expressive eyebrows, and she liked that in a person, she thought it showed soul.’ Alice chuckled at the memory. ‘So even before we picked him up she was researching everything about his home country, planning to bring him here on holiday, so excited about the future with her new pal. When everything happened and I took him in, going away on a trip was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to stay indoors and sheltered, then it felt like I had control.’
‘That makes sense,’ said Marco. ‘With a holiday there’s the expectation that you will be having the best time every minute of the day.’
‘Exactly. But, as you said, he got bigger, I got . . . to be honest . . . grosser, and it was time for a big change. I was only going to come on a short holiday and tie it in with seeing Vanessa, but then, well, you know the rest.’
They were silent for a while, the road gliding under the shade of the mountains, the sky a bright blue overhead. And then Alice added, ‘To Bear, she was everything, and she was taken from him. So I want to make sure I’m doing what she would have wanted – giving him the best life I can. I know, I know, he’s just a dog, but he was her dog.’
‘You’re doing a great job, he seems very happy.’ Marco leaned his arm back to stroke Bear’s nose, who caught his sleeve in his mouth and held on tightly, even as he started to close his eyes to sleep again.
‘Thanks,’ said Alice. ‘I hope he’s happy. I don’t think I’m great company for him a lot of the time. But we’re trying, aren’t we, mister?’ She glanced back at the daft doggo.
As Frank Sinatra’s smooth voice started singing ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’, Marco left her alone to her thoughts for a while. She thought of Jill and how happy she would probably be seeing Bear out here enjoying the snow. This little Bear, who didn’t know what was going on or why Jill had left, but he did seem happy, and that was the best Christmas gift she could give to her best friend now.
‘You’re a good listener, you know,’ she said to Marco, reaching out to touch his arm, briefly, wanting contact. He beamed. ‘You’re quite similar to Bear.’
‘I am honoured!’
‘You just . . . my parents, mine and Jill’s other friends, even Vanessa are a little too close to everything. I’m not okay yet, that feels like a long way off, but you just listen and don’t . . . I don’t know . . . ’ She trailed off, not really sure what she was trying to say.
‘Have you spoken to anyone, like a professional, if you don’t mind me asking?’
‘No,’ she said quickly. ‘No. I know everyone says I should but I just can’t yet. You may have noticed, I’ve firmly got my head in the sand, or the snow, at the moment.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I just don’t want help right now.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m not in denial, I’m just, what’s the word – disconnected?’
‘Like you just want to shut the world out and, what’s a good word . . . wallow?’
‘Exactly. So I went to the extreme and ran away to the mountains!’
‘Hmm.’ Marco turned and gazed out of the window.
‘What are you thinking?’ Alice asked.
‘I was thinking, in my expert medical opinion as a paramedic, that when you were hiding in your flat in London you were running away. I think when you came here that was your first step to coming back home.’
At that point, Bear sat up, yawned, and rested his chin on her shoulder, making Alice laugh. She didn’t know what to think about Marco’s insight at that point, but when he handed her half a squidgy cookie he’d just split, she took it, meeting his eye for a second, and smiled.
‘What about you?’ she asked through a mouthful of chocolate chips. ‘You had a dog growing up. Do you want one now you’re an adult? Take mine if you like, he’s a handful,’ she joked.
‘I’m an adult?! I would love your dog, he’s a real dude. But yeah, any dog would be great. I’d like a St Bernard; you see them around here a lot. We should actually explore the Oberland more. Maybe when you’re back after Christmas, I can take you to visit the museum where the most famous St Bernard in Switzerland lives.’
‘What makes him so famous?’
‘When he was alive he saved the lives of over forty people that he rescued from the mountains. He was called Barry, and he is my hero.’
‘Is that why you joined a mountain rescue crew? To be like Barry?’
‘I’m sure a therapist would say something like that.’
‘So he’s not alive now?’
‘Oh no.’ Marco shook his head. ‘He died in 1814, but his body is preserved.’
‘Okay . . . ’
‘I will take you, we’ll make a date of it.’
‘It sounds very romantic,’ she quipped back, and wondered how they kept straying to the topic of romance today, and she saw Marco smile from the corner of her ey
e. ‘Maybe we won’t bring Bear, though, he might find it a little confusing that a dog doesn’t want to play with him. So you want your very own Barry one day?’
Marco cracked into another cookie to share. ‘Oh yeah. At least one. I want to train him to do mountain rescues also, and come with me on my treks. I have the best job in the whole world.’
‘What do you love about it?’ She enjoyed hearing him speak passionately about things, be it dogs, the mountains, or even Christmas sweaters. He had that sing-song accent combined with the type of voice you could hear a smile behind. She was so used to her own inner commentary, which had become so monotonous, that he was a gust of mountain-fresh air.
‘Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy,’ he was saying. ‘It’s hard work and you can be going out in horrible conditions, and the hope that’s pinned on you to save a loved one can be overwhelming. But I feel like if I can be there helping, doing what I can, and I’m lucky enough to have the skills to do so, then why wouldn’t I?’
‘Why wouldn’t you?’ she echoed.
‘You want a coffee?’ Marco asked, reaching for the flask.
‘Actually, can we have a short burst of cold air first? I feel like I want to blow away a couple of cobwebs.’
‘Sure!’
Alice reached for the car stereo and turned the volume up on Sammy Davis Jr’s ‘Jingle Bells’, and pressed the button for all four car windows to lower. They were driving alongside a lake and traffic was quiet, so she slowed the car down and breathed in the frosty breeze.
‘Wow, it’s fresh out there, huh?’ Marco called over the noise of the wind.
Bear was in heaven. He whole big face was framed in the open window, his nose visible in Alice’s rear-view mirror. His eyes were closed against the sun and the cold air spread its fingers through the streamers of his ears. His nostrils pulsed, and every few seconds he’d have to bring his big tongue into his mouth to moisten it again.
‘He is happy, isn’t he?’ she said to Marco, who reached back and stroked Bear’s side as he leaned in pleasure towards the side door.
