by Isla Gordon
Alice emerged from the loos still laughing, and took a while explaining it all to Marco. She mopped at her eyes as they made their way up the steps to the restaurant and said, ‘Who knew that a toilet with showmanship would get me laughing like that again? Wow, look at this!’
‘It’s just like in the movie!’ Marco replied, taking in the revolving, 360-degree panoramic restaurant.
‘Weren’t you asleep by this point?’
‘I woke up sometimes, usually when you were gasping or clapping.’
‘Did I do that during the movie?’
‘Oh yes, you were very in the zone.’
The two of them were led to a table right beside the window, where they could see all the mountain peaks moving very slowly beyond the glass. The restaurant was fairly quiet, which gave a relaxed, date-like feel to the situation. Alice gazed at the surroundings, fully absorbed in memories of the movie the night before, and she kept pointing out details to Marco about what was the same, and what had changed.
‘Look, look,’ she said, pointing to a TV screen that played on loop one of the scenes filmed right where they were sitting. ‘Isn’t this cool?’
‘It is cool,’ Marco agreed. ‘Why have I never been here before?’
‘I want to come here every day. Shall we get some drinks?’
It was an all-you-can-eat brunch buffet and you were allowed to stay for two rotations of the restaurant, so ninety minutes in total. ‘Hey look, free Prosecco!’ Marco said. ‘You want some, Bond girl?’
‘I’m going to make mine a Buck’s Fizz, because it feels more in keeping with the movie,’ Alice answered.
‘What is Buck’s Fizz?’
‘Orange juice and champagne. It’s very nineteen-sixties. You want one?’
‘Okay.’
Back at the table, and loaded up with their fizz, coffee, Ovomaltine, croissants, rosti, sausages, yogurt, cheeses and all sorts of things to give them a tummy ache, Alice looked at Marco.
‘I liked meeting your family the other day.’
Marco sipped his Buck’s Fizz and didn’t seem to enjoy the taste all that much. ‘They really liked meeting you. I’m sorry my mum is quite a big personality!’
‘She was lovely. You and Noah are lovely and very kind, so I wasn’t really expecting any different.’
‘If you make her fondue for anyone she’ll want to see pictures.’
‘Your parents must be pleased that their sons spend so much time together. Have you always been close?’
‘Yes, we are very close. I like him a lot, he’s a funny guy and a good brother. I miss him when he goes to New Zealand over the summer but he always comes back to hang out with me.’ He laughed. ‘You don’t have any brothers or sisters, is that right?’
Alice shook her head. ‘No siblings, just me. I’d known Jill since school so she was, in a way, the closest I had to a sister, I guess.’
‘Are you still friends with anyone else from your school?’
‘I’m still really close with our other friends from university – Bahira, Kemi and Theresa.’ Her gut twisted a little and the claws of guilt tap-tapped at her while she tried to justify to herself why she’d pushed them away over the past few months. ‘Jill and I just always got each other, we always lived not that far from each other, we’d be the first people either of us would call for anything.’
Oh God. It had just occurred to her that Jill wouldn’t ever come to her wedding, that Jill wouldn’t even have a wedding. It was a silly, insignificant thought to have right now, but it sucker punched her. Guilt seized the opportunity to wedge further into her mind the fact that she was pushing her other friends away as well. Alice turned to the view and breathed in and out, in and out, and waited until the worst of the thoughts tired and wandered off.
‘Saying goodbye is very hard,’ Marco said when she came back to the here and now.
‘What does it feel like to save a life?’ she asked in return.
‘You mean in my job?’ He thought about it for a moment, his gaze on the mountains outside, and she watched as his eyes, reflecting the sunlight, flickered over their peaks while he thought. ‘It is amazing to know you’ve helped. You feel proud, and emotional, and often very tired. But you also feel humble because whichever way it goes, you have always done the best you can. Whatever the result, you do not control life, you could not stop the person from doing this thing, or stop nature from behaving how she wants. I love what I do, and when the day is ending and the helicopter is flying over these valleys I just always have hope that tomorrow will be another successful day. That is a strange answer to your question, right?’
‘Not strange, honest.’
Alice drank the last of her Ovomaltine. His words were comforting to hear.
She pulled the folded Piz Gloria guide out from her pocket and spread it out on the table, moving aside their empty dishes. ‘Now. To avoid risking you thinking this is the worst date ever, I suggest we head downstairs soon to the Bond museum and forget about all of the death in the world for the time being.’
Marco smiled. ‘That sounds like a very good plan.’
When they stood to leave the restaurant he took her hand like they’d been walking that way for years. Down the winding staircase they went and into a darkened series of rooms dedicated to the filming of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Marco pointed out behind-the-scenes photos from around Mürren and Alice read aloud facts. When they turned a corner to see a life-size helicopter set up in front of a large simulation screen to mimic a scene from the movie where Bond is flying over the Alps to Piz Gloria, Alice hopped inside.
She sat in front of the control panel in the dark, with Marco beside her, sweeping images of soaring above tree-peppered mountain tops before her eyes. ‘Is this what it’s like to be you?’ she asked him.
‘A little bit.’ He grinned. ‘I’m not always in the front with the pilot, it depends how many of us are out on a rescue mission.’
‘Amazing, though . . . to be able to get up above the world every working day.’ They sat for a few minutes and Alice relaxed into the sensation of flying like a bird. She breathed in and out, in and out, and eventually rested her head on Marco’s shoulder. He put an arm around her and pulled her closer to him, fusing their connection.
‘This is definitely not the worst date ever,’ he murmured.
The pale light from the video screen reflected on his face in the dark and she looked at this man with whom she felt so comfortable now. She didn’t know what they’d become, she wouldn’t be living in the same country as him come summertime, but at a time she needed a new friend he’d become more than that.
Alice leant closer to kiss him. And that was when a third head poked into the helicopter cabin and said something in abrasive German.
Marco pulled away from her and said, ‘I think we’re causing a queue.’
They hopped out into the dark to see a line of four people waiting for their turn, and gave a bashful wave of apology.
They emerged from the Bond World museum and back out into the brightly lit gift shop.
‘I think that’s it. Do you want to head back down the mountain?’ Marco asked.
‘Actually –’ Alice checked the time ‘– do you want to make one more stop?’
‘I can’t believe you wanted to do this,’ Marco yelled over the wind that whistled through the valley and licked the side of the mountains.
‘I thought it would be funny,’ Alice called back. ‘I don’t remember why!’ Even as she said it though she let out a burst of laughter that was carried away from her.
They stood on a wire rope, surrounded by a protective net, that clung to the side of the mountain face at Birg. The Thrill Walk, as it was called, wound around a section of the mountain and let you stand against the vertical walls and admire the sheer drop below you.
They walked on, whooping and laughing and daring each other to look down. ‘Let’s make a picture!’ she cried, and as they posed with fearful faces in front of the dr
amatic backdrop, they made a memory also.
It was a ridiculous situation, really, standing on the side of a mountain with the wind in your hair and a sheer drop below you. But Alice – the old Alice, who saw the funny in everything – was having so much fun. She felt brave. Alice was alive.
Chapter 40
Alice returned home that afternoon buzzing. She wanted to be brave again. She wanted to celebrate the good, despite the bad. She wanted to rise up stronger.
‘You’re a clingy Bear, aren’t you?’ Alice said to her shadow, after she’d warmed up in the shower. He padded about after her, watching her every move and giving her his paw every time she tried to pass him, in case she went out without him again. ‘No need to worry, it’s me and you for the rest of the day today. No more going out, apart from your walk, no more house guests. Just me and my dog. Okay?’
Alice looked at her phone and saw a voicemail message.
‘Happy New Year!’ cried three voices in unison down the phone. ‘Ali, it’s Bahira, Kem and T’rees, and we miss having you here.’
It was Bahira talking now, and Alice smiled at the familiar sound of her voice.
‘Listen, we missed you at Christmas, your mum said you were back but for a really short time, so we were thinking . . . ’ Bahira paused, and Theresa took the opportunity to shout into the receiver, in her girlish voice, ‘We want to come and see you in Switzerland!’
Alice’s face fell. But . . . this was her hideout.
Bahira continued. ‘It’s a madhouse over here in my home and I can’t bloody wait for back to school so I can have some peace and quiet. We were wondering, the first week back at work in January is always quiet for all three of us, so how would it suit you if we all flew over next Tuesday for, what did we say, two, three nights?’ There was a short discussion before Bahira said: ‘Two or three nights, depending on flight times and prices. It’s been way too long and your mum said you’re doing really well and that your friend is happy for you to have visitors come and stay, so let us know as soon as you can if that would work out for you, timing wise, and we’ll make the arrangements.’
Alice hung up the phone.
She was making good steps forward, she was on the upward climb now, on her way out of the valley of darkness, but there was something about being pushed, even by well-meaning friends, that made her lose her footing and stumble back.
‘I thought you were being brave,’ she scolded herself. ‘They’re your friends, of course you should say yes.’
Alice couldn’t seem to focus her mind over the next couple of days. She was building quite a collection of illustrations to sell at the café, and an idea was forming under the surface about making a whole portfolio of cartoons that documented Bear’s early life to send to a publishing house. But something in her resisted, refusing to think any more about the future until she stopped running away from the past. Alice’s thoughts kept drifting back to her friends from the UK coming out to visit her. She wanted to be okay about it, to be excited, but the pressure and the expectations made her want to hammer a slat of wood across the door with every day it drew closer.
‘Knock, knock.’ Lola appeared at the entrance to her chalet. ‘Oh sorry, you’re working.’
‘Barely,’ Alice replied. ‘I could use a distraction from myself actually. Do you want a cup of tea?’
‘Sure, thanks. Hey, man.’ Lola came into the chalet and crouched to greet Bear, whose tail wagged on the floor but he couldn’t quite be bothered to get up. Lola took off her gloves and hat and sat down at the table. ‘Sorry, I just tramped snow through your living room.’
‘Considering we bat that exact line back and forth to each other almost daily, don’t worry about it. I thought you guys all had a really intense week this week? I wasn’t expecting to see much of any of you.’
‘Yeah, my eleven a.m. sprained her ankle so I’ve got an unexpected hour free.’
‘Ouch, sorry to hear that.’
‘I’m not! Are these all cartoons to sell here?’ Lola sat at the table and picked up a couple of Alice’s Bear pictures, treating them with care.
Alice finished making the drinks and carried them back to the table. ‘Some of them. I was thinking maybe of sending off a bunch of the dog ones to a few publishers back in the UK. I’m not really sure if anyone will be interested, but I’m beginning to run out of savings so I’m hoping someone might. I need to get the whole collection done and put together before I know the best approach to take, but today I am just not feeling it.’
‘Ugh, hate days like that. What’s this one of?’ Lola picked up a sheet of paper with darker ink and harder lines than the others, and scrutinised it.
‘Oh that’s nothing, just a doodle from this morning.’
‘Is that little person in the corner supposed to be you?’
Alice leaned over to look at the drawing. It didn’t mean much, really, it was just a quick sketch of her old living room back in her London flat. The curtains were closed so the walls were dark. It was a pretty grim drawing really, she was just trying to keep her pen moving, but with all of the thoughts of Kemi, Theresa and Bahira visiting the memory of those three months after the concert and before Switzerland kept returning.
‘Yeah, that’s me hiding out in my flat. It’s really just junk.’
‘It’s powerful. This is how you felt after the concert, huh?’
‘Something like that.’
‘Do you still feel like that?’
‘Not here,’ Alice said, honestly. ‘It feels really different here, but then more time has passed and I’m much further away from the situation. It’s like two different worlds.’
‘That are about to collide when your friends visit,’ Lola summed up.
Alice took a long drink of tea. ‘What if they want to talk about Jill all the time?’
‘You talk about her with us. Would it be such a bad thing?’
‘But none of you knew her. They all knew her, almost as well as I did, and they’ll be able to bring up memories, anecdotes, conjure her up at any moment and I won’t be able to control it.’
‘You could ask them not to speak about her?’
‘It’s not even just the things they say, though. It’ll be . . . Theresa wearing earrings that Jill gave her, or Kemi saying an expression that Jill used to say that we’ve all long forgotten who said first. It’s looking at the three of them and not seeing the fourth.’
Lola sighed, feeling bad for her friend. ‘I know, it must be painful. But tell them that; they’re your friends and it’s okay for them to know you’re still sad. I think they’ll be really impressed, though – I can see you’re trying and you’re getting there, and I think your friends will too. I’m sure they’ll notice a big difference in you.’
Alice thought about this and then said, with a half-smile, ‘What if they think I’m too better and have forgotten all about Jill?’
‘Woman!’ Lola threw her hands in the air. ‘Anybody ever told you that you overthink things? Listen, why don’t you tell them about your new boyfriend? That’s a sure fire way to get the conversation moving in another direction.’
Alice laughed. ‘He’s not my boyfriend.’
‘Really. What is he then? Your companion? Your lobster? Your lover?’
‘He’s just my . . . Marco.’
‘Yeah, yeah. Right, I’m gonna run next door and grab some nosh before hitting the slopes again. Thanks for the cuppa, and good luck with the drawing.’
After Lola had gone, Alice sat back in front of her sketch pads, but still her thoughts couldn’t focus on things doggie. Bear had been her primary focus – her reason for getting out of bed, her trigger to move to Switzerland, the thing she felt lost without over Christmas – ever since the incident. Now it felt like the other part of her, the part that remembered who she was and what had happened to her, had opened a door and peeped out.
Alice let her out.
Chapter 41
It was an emotional few days, raw and personal,
and everything inside Alice came out on the pages of her sketch pads. Many times she wanted to stop, but she was determined to persevere, allowing herself the release.
Her mind and her heart were laid out on those pages, and the result was a beautiful collage of heartbreaking and heart-warming illustrations. She drew her memories of the crush, sometimes in vivid detail, sometimes in vague darkness. She drew the months of isolation, even when people (or animals) were around. She drew the funeral and the way the sunlight glinted on her friends’ make-up-free faces. She drew Switzerland and the stars and the mountains and how tiny she felt against them, but then drew them again with her getting bigger. She drew Marco’s profile. She drew the Hamleys window. She drew her nook. She drew her journey.
By the end she was exhausted, and she slept so deeply and for so long that it wasn’t until Bear leapt on the bed at nine o’clock the following morning, needing to be taken out for a wee, that she emerged back into the world.
Wrapping herself in her snow jacket and snow boots over the top of her pyjamas, she stepped outside into the snow, the sun bright and already zooming into the sky. Bear jumped into the snow and legged it to the side of the house where he cocked his leg and weed for a jolly long time.
‘Good morning,’ she heard behind her, and turned to see Marco, geared up and heading out to work.
Alice smiled. She felt dozy but clear-headed, crumpled but fine with it. ‘Morning,’ she said back.
Marco went in for a kiss but she stopped him. ‘For your own safety, I would save it for later. I’ve just woken up.’
‘Well, I’m glad you slept okay. I can’t wait to get to bed this evening, it’s been a long week.’
‘Everything okay?’ she asked.
‘Just so busy, non-stop, you know? We had a really hard rescue which finally finished this morning. It took a couple of days and it didn’t work out.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Me too.’ Marco nodded, the weight of the world on his shoulders right now.
‘Are you working tomorrow?’
‘No, not at the moment.’ He rolled his shoulders. ‘How’s your week been?’
