by Leigh Carman
I don’t know. Maybe I am sick of the lies, or maybe I’m motivated by the fact Toby broke up with me because I can’t be the man he needs, the man he deserves. Out and proud and willing to claim him as mine.
I slump on the expensive leather sofa and stare at the black TV screen. I don’t know if Cal is right about me, and it doesn’t really matter. The only thing I need in my life is the one thing I can’t have.
I close my eyes and dream of icy blue eyes, hot wet kisses, and smooth pale skin, enjoying the tiny bit of happiness I have left in my life. My memories.
Toby
“HEY, WANT to get some lunch?”
I yelp, spinning around and clutching my chest, keys in hand.
“What the hell, Leo? You scared the shit out of me.” I turn back to finish locking my apartment door.
“Sorry, T.”
In a hurry, I speed walk to the stairwell, Leo following close behind.
“Shouldn’t you be at work?” I ask, rushing so I’m not late meeting Austin. Unfortunately, Leo continues to shadow me all the way to my car.
“Meh, I took a half day. I’m ahead in my work, so I figured no one would miss me for an afternoon.” Leo shoves his hands in his pockets, waiting for my answer.
“I can’t. I’m on my way out.” I unlock the car and start to climb in.
“It’s okay. I’ll go with you on your errands, and we can eat after.” Leo starts to open the passenger door, and I freak out.
“No!”
Leo jumps back, eyes wide.
“I’m sorry,” I explain. “I’ll be out all day, and I’m going pretty far. I’ll call you later, okay?”
Before he can answer, I slam my door shut and back out of the parking lot, pointedly not looking in the rearview mirror. I don’t want to see the hurt on Leo’s face. It feels like shit to be so rude, but I can’t bring him with me to meet Austin, and I can’t tell him where I’m going. I’ll just have to make it up to Leo later.
Naturally it takes forever to get to Austin’s townhouse. I begged him to meet somewhere neutral, but the bastard control freak insisted, and I can’t say no. Not with the stakes so high. When I pull into his driveway, I sit in my car for a few minutes, trying to suppress the nerves that have me so anxious my skin feels two sizes too small. I snatch the envelope containing the certified bank check from the passenger seat and climb out. Each step that brings me closer to Austin’s front door weighs me down as if I’m a man headed for the death chamber.
He asked for another million dollars. When will it end? Will it ever end? Will he ever stop holding this over me? The helplessness begins to drag me under again. I shake it off, and with a trembling hand I ring the doorbell.
“Well, hello, love. Aren’t you a sight?” Austin is grinning, but instead of making his handsome face look friendly, it makes him look demented, like a makeup-free version of the Joker.
“For the last time, don’t call me that, or Tobias, or anything, Austin,” I snarl through clenched teeth. My entire body is tense with anger and quite a bit of fear hiding beneath the bluster. Austin holds the door open, waiting for me to enter. I shake my head. “I’ll just give it to you here, Austin.” Arm extended, I hold out the envelope.
Instead of taking the check, Austin wraps his hand around my wrist and yanks me inside, kicking the door shut with his foot. Before I can blink, he spins around and has me pinned against the door, wrists above my head, using his much larger body to hold me in place. Horrific memories of my years being manhandled by Austin flood my mind, paralyzing every muscle.
“I don’t like this new attitude of yours. You used to be so good, so obedient.” He thrusts his hips into mine. When I feel his hard length dig into my abdomen, I begin to struggle in earnest. Austin shifts both of my wrists to one hand and slaps me across the face with the other. My head slams against the door. Excruciating pain explodes behind my eye and my vision wavers in and out.
Austin thrusts against me again, dipping his head to my ear. When he speaks, his breath sends chills over my skin, and my heart clenches with terror. “So feisty. I spent a lot of time getting you trained. It’s such a pity.”
I lick my lips and taste blood from the blow he landed. I’m so damn tired of being his victim.
“Fuck you, Austin.” His dark eyes lock onto mine, and another shiver racks my body. This can’t happen again, not after I was just getting over the mental and physical suffering he inflicted. Mustering every bit of fight I have, I spit in his face, leaving a spray of blood on his carefully maintained, fake tan skin.
Austin’s dark eyes flash with something more than anger. Something dangerous. Pure, unadulterated rage. The kind of empty, hollow hatred that lets you know you’re dealing with someone not quite human.
“You’re going to be sorry you did that, Tobias.” Stepping back, Austin knees me in the abdomen. Air rushes out of my lungs, and I try to curl up to protect my stomach, but Austin is much bigger than me and still has my wrists pinned above my head. A hard punch connects with my temple, and this time I’m out like a light.
Chapter 11
Van
NERVOUS AS hell to see Toby after so much time has passed, I knock on the door, shifting from foot to foot. I hear footsteps inside and hold my breath as the locks flip and the door cracks open.
“Leo?” I hide my disappointment in seeing the slender blond instead of Toby. “Hey.”
Leo’s eyes nearly bulge out of his head.
“Van? What are you doing here?”
“I, ummm, well… I was hoping….” I run a hand through my hair and wipe my sweaty palm on my jeans. “Listen, is Toby here?” Leo slips into the hall, pulling the door shut behind him. “What are you doing?” I ask, irritated that I’m face to face with him instead of Toby.
“Shhhhh,” he says, glancing back at the closed door. “I don’t want him to hear us.”
“What? Why?”
“Quiet,” Leo whispers. He looks as nervous as me, maybe more. He holds up his hands, palms out. “Don’t freak out, but Toby was attacked the other day.”
Blood whooshes behind my eardrums, and endorphins flood my body. The urge to protect what’s mine roars from the primal center of my brain, beating its chest. “Who?” I ask in a low, angry voice.
Leo chews on his lip, shifting from one foot to the other. “Oh God. He’s going to kill me for telling you this… but it’s for his own good.”
“Leo…,” I warn, growing increasingly agitated.
“Okay, fine. Since he won’t do anything about it,” Leo huffs. “Toby has this horrific ex-boyfriend.”
Visions of Toby with another man—touching him, kissing him, making love with him—assault me, and I become more unhinged with every passing second.
“Toby said his ex was very controlling, cut him off from friends, and made him quit his job,” Leo says, his words making my head spin and my blood boil.
“Is that fucker in there?” I ask, pointing at Toby’s door. The irrational Neanderthal inside is clamoring, fighting to protect Toby, the man that should be mine.
“No, no, that’s not… just listen for a second.”
“Spit it the fuck out, Leo. I’m getting really pissed off here.” My shoulders pull tight.
“Ummm, Jesus, Van, you’re kinda scary. Okay, so the ex apparently has, ummmm, pictures. Of Toby. And you. Together.”
Leo blushes and visibly shrinks back from me as he takes my entire world, as if it’s merely a fragile glass sphere in his hand, and drops it, shattering it to a thousand pieces.
Pictures. Of me being intimate with a man. With Toby.
“Van?” I must lose time because Leo reaches out and pokes me with a single tentative finger, still keeping his distance as if he’s afraid I’ll explode in a Hulk-like fury. Only what I feel isn’t fury. It’s stark, naked fear. Exposure. My biggest nightmare is on the cusp of becoming a reality.
“What does the ex want? I have money.” Somehow, I’m aware that I’m speaking, but inside, everything is numb, shut do
wn to protect myself from the reality of the situation.
“Toby already paid him. The problem is that he’ll never stop, Van. There will never be enough money to keep him away from Toby.” Leo pauses, staring at the ground and chewing on his lip again. “I followed Toby the other day. He was acting strange, wouldn’t look at me or commit to any plans. It was weird. I got in my car and followed him to Austin’s townhouse.”
“Austin?”
“The ex,” Leo explains. “I couldn’t believe he would go there. You have to understand, he despises Austin. He would never willingly see him.”
The numbness subsides, and white-hot anger returns full-force, my damn inner caveman roaring loudly. “So what the fuck happened? Stop bullshitting around and get to the goddamn point, Leo!”
The smaller man’s eyes go wide at my threats. He nods and continues. “Toby went inside the townhouse. The whole situation felt off, so I got out of my car and planned on ringing the doorbell, but when I got close, I could hear through the door. They were arguing, and before I could get inside, I heard….”
Leo’s eyes flick to mine, and he licks his lips before dropping his gaze.
“What did you hear, Leo?”
“I heard Austin hitting him, Toby thumping against the door. So I called the police before trying the knob. Thank God it was unlocked, because Toby was on the ground, not moving, and Austin was…. Toby’s pants were… and he was trying to….” Leo bursts into tears. “I’m sorry, Van. Austin didn’t actually, you know, do anything, but he could have….”
A red haze clouds my vision, and I have to crush the sides of my head with my hands and clench my jaw to keep from screaming. The only thing I hear is my protective instincts, clawing their way out of my skin, drowning out Leo’s voice. I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head, desperately trying to clear out the unimaginable images of Toby on the ground and hurt, out of my mind to gain some sort of control over my emotions.
I reach for the doorknob to Toby’s apartment, and Leo steps in front of me. I’ll give it to him. The little dude has big brass balls.
“Wait.”
“Leo, I swear to fucking God, if you don’t move, I can’t be responsible for what I do to you.”
“Van, please. Toby is not himself. He won’t press charges against Austin, and he’s having a really hard time. Just… I don’t think now is the best time for a reunion. Let him heal first.”
“You want me to walk away? After that bastard attacked him? Is blackmailing him because of me?” I stare at Leo, but he doesn’t relent.
“I’m asking you to give him some time to get his life back to normal. He wouldn’t want you seeing him like this. Please. I promise I’ll talk to him about you once he’s better.”
Even though every cell in my body, every molecule of my being, is pulling me toward the man behind the closed door, I swallow and close my eyes.
Once I’m more or less under control, I sigh. “Okay, Leo. If you think it’s best. I don’t want to hurt Toby on top of everything else.”
Leo nods. “Thank you, Van. I’ll tell him. I promise. Once he’s past this. It took a long time for him to start believing in himself again after Austin’s abuse. I won’t let that asshole do it to him again.”
“He’s lucky to have you, Leo.” My voice catches, and I turn to leave. I tell myself it’s because it’s for the best, but really, it’s so Leo doesn’t see my face as I begin to fall apart. He’s right. Toby doesn’t need to see me. It’s my fault his ex is back in his life.
I climb in my car and thump my head on the steering wheel. The only man I’ve ever cared about was attacked because of me. If I weren’t such a coward, hiding in my gilded fucking closet, that piece of shit wouldn’t have anything to hold over Toby’s head. I pull into the driveway of my new house but don’t remember how I got there. Numb once more, I trudge inside, take a shower, and climb into bed.
I stare at the shadows moving on the ceiling as the tree outside the window rustles in the breeze. As tired as I am, my mind won’t shut off. How is it that I have everything I ever wanted—I’m a star in the NFL, one of the best in the league, I have fans, money, adoration—yet I feel so empty. Completely and totally empty.
How much longer can I live the lie while Toby pays penance for my sins?
Toby
“EVERYONE, THAT was great. I’ll see you Thursday.”
I turn off the music and roll up my yoga mat. It’s been tough, but getting back into my normal routine has really helped keep me from sinking into a deep depression. Austin already did that to me once, and I’ll be damned if I let him push me back into that black hole again.
With my bag on my shoulder, mat under my arm, I say good-bye to my coworkers and head outside.
“Toby!”
I flinch at the sound of my name. Heat pricks my face when I see it’s only Leo, crossing the parking lot in my direction.
He studies my reaction. “Jesus, T. That fucker really did a number on you.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I frown and walk to my car.
“I wanted to grab lunch. What do you say?” Leo is standing in front of me with a hopeful look on his face.
“I’m pretty tired, Leo.”
“No. Uh-uh. Not today, T. You’ve been blowing me off for two weeks, including Thanksgiving. Today we’re going to sit down and have food and drinks and act like the friends we used to be. Got it?” Leo raises a brow and stares at me, pursing his… shiny lips?
I squint. “Are you wearing lip gloss?” Leo smirks, and I can’t help but smile. “Okay, Leo. Fine. Follow me home so I can change first.”
Leo grins and pivots on his heel, then climbs into his own vehicle.
“THIS PLACE is… interesting,” I say, glancing around the wildly decorated restaurant.
Leo chuckles. “It’s a hot mess. You can say it.” He leans over the table. “But the food is to die for. It makes up for them trying to burn your retinas out with the decor.”
I smother a laugh. “Nice, Leo.”
“Ha! But I got you to smile,” he says proudly.
“Yeah, yeah.” I fiddle with my napkin. “So, how’s work? Is the new menswear line coming along?”
Leo’s eyes sparkle. “It’s so great, T. I can’t wait for you to see it. You’ll come to the show, right? The suits and the casual wear and… oh my God.” Leo claps his hands together, bouncing in his seat. “It’s to die for.”
“I’m proud of you, Leo. And of course I’ll be at the show.” Our food arrives, and I have to admit, it’s just as good as Leo said it would be. “God, this is incredible,” I moan around a bite of my fish taco.
“I know.” He makes his own noises of delight as he eats.
“You need to recommend an interior decorator to them or something.” I glance around the room. “It really is hideous in here.”
Leo waves a hand at me. “I think they do it on purpose to scare the tourists away. Keep it a local secret.”
“I guess that’s smart.” I think of all the great restaurants I no longer eat at because they’ve become too popular and crowded with the out-of-towners.
“So….” Leo wipes his mouth with his napkin and pushes his empty plate away. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
My heart stutters and my throat constricts, making the last bite of lunch go down like a rock when I swallow. I push my own plate away and silently wait for my friend to speak.
“Van came to see you a few weeks ago.”
My heart stutters at the news. “H-he did what?”
Leo sighs. “It was a few days after Austin… well, you know.” His brows crumple, and a frown pulls at the corners of his mouth. “I spoke to him in the hall and asked that he give you time to heal. Honestly, Toby, I don’t know if you’ll ever heal completely. Not until your bastard ex gets rid of the photos.”
“He won’t do that,” I reply stiffly.
“No, he won’t. But there is another option.”
I sit and think
for a moment. When I realize what Leo is suggesting, I freak out. “No, Leo. I’m not asking him to come out. No way.” I stand, pull out my wallet, and throw some money on the table. “I can’t believe you’d think I’d even consider that as a solution.”
Leo tosses money on the pile and chases me out of the restaurant. “Toby, wait.”
I stop, my shoulders bristling in annoyance. “What is it, Leo? I said no, so I don’t think there’s any more to discuss, do you?”
“I do. If you’ll stop being so goddamn selfish for a second!”
“Selfish?” I shout, incredulous. “How am I selfish for wanting to protect him from exposure? How am I selfish for caring enough to keep his reputation intact?” I take a step toward my best friend, seriously considering punching him in the face even though I abhor violence.
Leo scowls, baring his teeth, and I realize it’s the first time I’ve ever seen my friend genuinely pissed off. “It’s selfish because you didn’t even give the man a choice in the matter! You made all the decisions without his input. You dumped him, you kept the photos from him, and you didn’t trust him to help or stand beside you!” Leo puts his hands on his hips and barks out a sarcastic laugh. “Fuck, T. It’s like you had so little faith in Van or his feelings for you that you tossed him aside to save him, when in reality, you fucking killed him when you did it!”
My mouth drops open. “We weren’t—”
Leo cuts me off sharply. “Fuck that, Toby. I might not know the man, but twice I’ve seen him outside your door, broken and hurt. Because of you. He cares about you, and as much as you’ve convinced yourself that you’re dealing with Austin alone because you care so much for Van, it actually shows that you don’t think much of him as a person or a partner.” Leo turns to leave, but at the last second, he gives me one last parting shot. “I promised Van I’d call him when you were ready to talk. Well, I’m leaving that to you. I refuse to give that poor man any more hope when all you’re going to do is shit all over him again. It’s your decision, T.”
