Bittersweet

by K. S. Thomas

  “Well, you’ll need to keep seeing Dr. Casey for sure, and actually, you should probably increase your appointments,” my mother goes on while she hands me a plate to go with the fork I’m already busy stabbing into the scrambled egg platter.

  “Ma, I haven’t been to see Dr. Casey in years.” Dr. Casey is my chiropractor. Or, at least she was a decade ago when my one and only attempt at being athletic backfired and a game of high school volleyball jacked up my shoulder. I guess going to see her again would make sense though. I mean, that’s a thing, right? You get into a car accident, you go to your chiropractor. Why not? I’m a state employee. The pay sucks, but the benefits are outstanding.

  “When did you stop seeing Dr. Casey?” My mother’s perplexed expression is especially amusing considering all of the other far less believable things we’ve already discussed. Like my pregnancy. And my meat cravings.

  I gulp down my mouthful of egg and a thought about the benefits of some salsa, cheese and sour cream overlaps with whatever I was intending to say to my mother. It takes me a moment to remember. “Um, sometime around the day you said I was eighteen and no longer covered under your health insurance. And can we stop calling her Doctor? Casey babysat us for years. I remember when she had braces and used to make out with that Dawson kid on our couch while we she made us watch cartoons for hours on end. Calling her ‘doctor’ just doesn’t work for me. It’s weird.”

  “Esi, you, wait, what Dawson kid? She had boys over while she was babysitting?”

  Even Lev laughs. “You didn’t know? Didn’t you ever wonder why the living room window was always open?”

  My mother’s brow scrunches up and meets in the middle. “Fresh air?”

  “During a winter freeze? Not exactly. The moment she’d hear the car pull up in the driveway, it’d be a mad scramble to get her guy of the week out through the window before you came strolling in through the door.” Lev points at me, still laughing. “Remember that one time, the dude’s shirt got caught on the window frame while he was climbing out? Casey about lost it.”

  Oh, I remember all right. “Oh my God! Didn’t she end up just yanking the curtains shut with him still standing out there, half hanging in the window?”

  “Yup.” She shakes her head at my mother. “I can’t believe you were so oblivious. You certainly weren’t that easy to fool when I started sneaking boys in and out of the house.”

  “Really? You want to take the conversation there?”

  Lev’s smile drops into a straight-lipped grimace instantly. “Nope. I’m good.”

  “Alright, then let’s get back to the topic at hand. We need to work out a schedule so we can take turns staying with Esi.”

  My hands fly up in protest. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody is staying with me. Seriously, I’ll go to acupuncture and I’ll take whatever supplements you shove in my direction, I’ll even go back to slutty Casey to keep my body all aligned and what not, but you two taking shifts as my nurse maid is where I draw the line. You can visit. Often. But that’s it.” I charge at my last bite of egg with the prongs of my fork. “Besides, I’ll be at work during the week anyway.”

  “WHAT?”

  I swear, it could have been scripted, they said it in such perfect unison.

  “What, what? I told you guys last week I was going back to work.”

  “Yeah, but that was before. Things are different now. You have to talk to Dara about taking a leave of absence.” Judging by her tone, my mother clearly thinks she’s being completely reasonable.

  “No way. I just got back. I can’t do that to them. I have patients that need me. That won’t see anyone else. I can’t just up and abandon them.” I lean back in my chair, trying to stretch a bit. All this puking and not really eating shrunk my stomach down to the size of a pea.

  “Esi.” My mother’s using the same tone she uses when she comes across terrified Christians who wander into her store by accident (accident being the operative word here -plenty of Christians walk in intentionally and are perfectly happy with their choice to do so). Thankfully, my mother is fluent in Christianese and can usually make the experience as painless as possible for all involved.

  “No. Listen, I get that you’re in full on hover-n-smother mode, but you can’t just take a jackhammer to my life and smash up all the pieces you don’t like.” I sigh. Mostly because my stomach feels so full, but I see the advantage in letting Lev and my mother think it’s a sign of surrender. “Look, I’ll talk to Dara about going part time. Maybe half-days twice a week or something. But that’s the best I can do.”

  My mom and sister exchange a celebratory glance. “Deal.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Carter ~ Seven Years Ago

  “Any tips or words of advice before I open the door?” I ask with my hand already on the handle.

  “Yeah. She doesn’t like to be kept waiting,” Lev calls back from the other side of the door.

  Esi comes up on her tip-toes and quickly grazes my lips with hers. “What she said. Now let her in.” She’s smiling. Someday I’ll tell her not to do that if she wants me to stay focused, because nothing distracts me or captures my attention quite like that smile does.

  Esi has to nudge me in the side to snap me out of it and I finally open the door.

  “It’s about time,” Lev says dryly as she walks in. It’s not just her first time at my apartment, it’s our first interaction ever. Well, not counting the time in fifth grade when we were assigned to do a science project together. And even that had consisted only of a brief conversation during which I told her my parents said her mom was weird and she told me I was stupid and she’d do the assignment herself. Which she did. I still got credit though. I remember because it was the only A I ever got in that class.

  Lev looks me up and down. “Well, you’ve gotten taller. Anything else worth mentioning change since we last spoke?” Apparently, she remembers fifth grade as vividly as I do.

  “A few things. I’m not an asshole anymore, so, that’s something.”

  Her eyes narrow and I think maybe she’s not so sure I’m not still an asshole, but then her gaze moves onto her sister and they both break into raging giggles.

  “What the-?”

  Lev reaches up and playfully slugs me in the shoulder. “I was totally fucking with you, dude. Esi told me you were freaking out about our little get together.” She’s got a wicked grin on her face now and I’m amazed she doesn’t break into a smile more often. Because, I shit you not, this chick is scary looking most of the time. Straight lipped, hard stare with a blank, almost cold expression on her face almost every time I’ve ever seen her. Now that she’s smiling and standing next to Esi, it’s almost eerie to look at them, they’re so much alike.

  The evening goes well from here on out and dinner is overrun with crude language, cheesy jokes and a few impressions of our least favorite professors.

  After, we all huddle at the sink to unload our dishes so we can move onto making popcorn to go with the movie Lev brought over.

  I’m last in line for the sink and I bump her side with my plate to get her attention. “How come you’re always walking around acting like such a hardass, anyway? I mean, you’re a massive dork. Why hide it?”

  She looks back at me over her shoulder and the tough girl act makes a reappearance. “Who are you calling a massive dork, douche bag?” She waits just long enough to make me panic a little before she smirks again. “It’s just too damn easy.” She shakes her head and finally clears the path to the sink.

  Esi comes up behind me, even though her dirty plate is long in the dishwasher since she was first in line. “You know all this just means she likes you, right?”

  “I’m going with that, yeah. But I’m still going to crack her. Get under that tough skin of hers.” I don’t even know why I care so much. Except maybe because I know Lev is the person closest to Esi in the entire world and I want in on that. I feel like maybe I’m getting close, but it’s not enough. I want it all. All of Esi. Even if th
at means I get cranky ass Lev as well.

  “There really isn’t anything all that interesting hiding under all that abrasive exterior,” Esi teases, purposely staring straight at Lev as she says it. “Mostly she’s just trying to give the world the impression she isn’t in any way different from mainstream society.”

  I snort before I can stop myself. “I’m sorry. But, come on. Even minus all the Harper tales, you’re hardly normal.”

  “Still more normal than that one.” Lev’s eyes travel back to Esi where they land with a healthy dose of ‘if you only knew’. But I do know. And maybe it should scare me. If it was anyone else, or any other time in my life, it would. Only it isn’t anyone else. Or any other time. It’s Es. It’s now. And knowing what I know, while strange and frightening to some, is a phenomenal notion to me. Because Esi’s the one person on earth I want to be with forever, and even dying couldn’t keep me from her.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Esi

  “So, how did it go?” Carter’s standing right inside the door when I walk in. Like he’s been anxiously awaiting my return.

  “How long have you been standing here?” I laugh as I shimmy out of my heavy winter coat. This weather is freaking crazy already.

  “Standing? Only about a second or two. But I’ve been pacing the length of the foyer for the last thirty minutes.” He’s wearing the green shirt I love, and even in a slight panic, it makes his usually hazel eyes the most beautiful shade of sage. “Are you going to tell me what they said or what? Wait, did you even go? Because you’re strangely mellow considering you were supposed to go and tell Lev and Jace about being pregnant.”

  “Yes, I told them.” I stroll past him into the living room. I don’t want to say anything, but I can already tell my energy levels are subsiding, since the walk from the car up to the front door has all but wiped me out. Casually, I slide down into the sofa and stretch my legs out across the coffee table. “They handled the news as expected. First they totally freaked. Then, they freaked a little more and then, last but not least, they made me freak.”

  Finally he’s grinning the Carter grin again. “Why? What’d they do? Arrange for a witches circle? Take you to your mother’s shaman buddy for a spiritual blessing of sorts?”

  I smirk. “Yeah, because those things would have made me freak.” Growing up with my mother, and spending the bulk of my time in her shop – a new age wonderland sure to meet all of your magical and spiritual needs, aptly named Hocus Pocus and boldly located in the remains of an ancient church which was built sometime in the late 1800’s - a little get together with some of her more magically inclined friends would have been a welcome alternative to the ueber-dousing of motherly concern I actually experienced from not only my mother, but my sister as well.

  “No, they hit me right at the core, right where it hurts.”

  He nods, clearly understanding now. “Ah. Your freedom.”

  I whine loudly. “Yes. They threatened to take shifts, Carter! They were going to move in.”

  “Hold on. You told them no, right? Right?”

  “Obviously. But just to be safe, you should probably start taking on any extra projects that come your way, because they’re going to be around a lot. Oh, and they’re making me go part time at work, so, you know, we’ll kinda need the money.”

  He takes a deep breath and falls into the recliner to the right of me. “Thank goodness. I was worried I’d have to go to battle with you on that one. Glad they took care of it. At least that’s something.”

  “What? You want me to quit working as well? I’m not a freaking porcelain doll, Carter. I’m perfectly capable of still living.”

  He gives me a probing glance. “Es, you haven’t moved since you walked in. You’re not even holding up your own head, it’s just kind of lying there, in the cushions. It doesn’t even look comfortable. You can’t possibly expect me to believe this isn’t taking a lot out of you. Your body was already working overtime trying to recover from the accident, and now it’s not just trying to preserve your parts, but trying to grow new ones from scratch for someone else. How would that not be a lot for your system?”

  I find it super annoying sometimes that keeping secrets from him is literally impossible. Not that I am big into dishonesty, but having the option somehow seems like something every wife should be entitled to, given the complete lack of privacy that comes with marriage and sharing everything, every moment, of every day. The right to omit a little something here and there, doesn’t seem like that much to ask.

  As it turns out, all of my arguing and insisting has been for naught. Come Monday morning and our follow up visit with Doctor Starling, I am told in no uncertain terms that if I intend to continue my pregnancy, I am not only not working, but I am headed for bed rest at the first sign of trouble from my heart, i.e. shortness of breath, dizziness, irregular or erratic pounding in my chest, and the list goes on longer still.

  Fully prepared to cheat the system, I conspire with Dara and Wayne to continue seeing my most high-maintenance patients out of my own home, even if it means I have to be the one lying on the couch for a change. Carter isn’t super impressed with the plan, but he concedes quite quickly when I point out that he is way closer to getting his way than I am to getting mine.

  ***

  By Christmas, I’ve made it successfully into my second trimester. Which, I think is a milestone worth celebrating, not to mention a positive omen, however, Doctor Starling doesn’t hesitate to set me straight and inform me that things are only going to get more risky, not to mention potentially deadly, the further along I am.

  On the upside, the non-stop nausea has stopped and I’m finally able to eat things that are more to my pre-pregnant self’s liking.

  With that in mind, I am lying in bed, sucking on a candy cane when Carter comes strolling in.

  “You plan on getting up anytime today?”

  I shake my head and point my free hand at the TV. “Christmas movie marathon.”

  He leans into the doorframe, grinning. “There’s presents under the tree,” he teases.

  “Carter! I thought we agreed not to do gifts this year.” With my nearly non-existent paycheck and the added expenses of preparing for the newest member of our family, spending money on trivial wants seems like a bad idea, what with all the needs we still have to account for.

  He comes further into the room and sits down on the edge of the mattress. “Wasn’t me.”

  Curiosity finally gets the better of me and I turn off the TV. “Then who?”

  “Family. Your dad’s side mostly.”

  Figures. I haven’t seen any of the Harper’s since my father was killed during what should have been a routine traffic stop, but quickly turned deadly when the driver pulled a gun on my father halfway over to the man’s car. However, they’ve never missed an occasion when it comes to sending gifts. My mother’s always made excuses for his family’s absence, like seeing us means being confronted with the loss, and somehow they can’t handle that, or something. Because it has been so easy for us.

  Lev and I were kids in elementary school, traumatized and for a long time, we were terrified of public places, because our innocent little brains had warbled up the information to the point we believed anyone could pull a gun on us and start shooting at any given moment. My father had been the victim of a surprise attack, who was to say we wouldn’t be as well? And my mother, well, she’d never been the same. Whether she cared to admit it or not, didn’t much matter. The fact that she had never moved on with anyone else in all the years he’d been gone, spoke for itself.

  “We should send them back. This year of all years, I really don’t want their crap.”

  Carter tilts his head to the side. “Dara dropped something off as well. So did Wayne.”

  “They did?” It isn’t unusual for us to exchange gifts, just normally it’s done at the office via some sort of Secret Santa set up. Since I’ve pretty much been banned from going anywhere other than my own living room, I
haven’t exactly been able to participate this year.

  “Hm, I wonder what they got us.”

  Carter grins, but watches in silence as I begin to scoot myself toward the edge of the mattress.

  “What the hell, it’s Christmas. Let’s go open some presents.” Just saying the words brings a smile to my lips. I love Christmas. All this pouting I’ve been doing the last three months over having my freedom stripped away, has nearly ruined my favorite holiday of the entire year. Which really, is pretty stupid.

  “Carter.” I’m literally breathless when I reach the bottom of the stairs, and it is in no way related to the risk factors on my danger danger checklist. The whole living room is lit up in Christmas lights, with a massive pine tree decked out in every ornament we own, standing at the center of it all. I figured he’d pick up a last minute tree somewhere and toss some decorations on it in a hurry, I did not expect this.

  “Back in touch with your inner Christmas fanatic yet?” He leads the way toward the tree, and I follow him, my jaw still dangling somewhere around my belly button.

  “This is amazing. When did you even have time to do all of this? I’ve hardly seen you at all for days, you’ve been so busy with work.” Most nights I’ve been waking up to go pee come two a.m., only to find that he still hasn’t made it to bed.

  He shrugs, still smiling from ear to ear. “Must have been Santa’s elves.”

  “Must have.” I lower myself down to sit on the floor and Carter does the same.

  “Well, what are you waiting for? I know you want to rip into that tacky snowman paper your Grandma Harper used.”

  It is pretty damn hideous, with its excessive glitter, never mind the dark and dreary colors underneath all that freaking sparkle. Eager to hear that shredding sound that comes from tearing away at it, I reach for the first present and have a go.