by K. S. Thomas
“Hi, Esi.” They both walk past me into the living room. Cyndie definitely knows her way around my house now. Then, before she even sits down on the couch, she starts to break down. “I’m sorry.”
I hurry to reach her and put my arm around her. “How many times have I told you? Never apologize for how you feel. You are entitled to every single emotion you experience.”
She sniffs loudly. “Yes, but at some point, shouldn’t it be enough? Shouldn’t there come a day when I just get over it already?”
I smile wryly. “You would think so, wouldn’t you? Sadly, if that day ever comes, I don’t know anyone who’s ever actually reached it.”
I lower myself down to the sofa and Cynthia along with me. “There is, however, some good news.”
She looks up at me, eyes already puffy. “There is?”
“There is,” I confirm gently. “There will come a time when you will simply be comfortable with the gaping hole in your heart. You will find that it becomes a part of you and who you are. I’m not saying you will walk through life with this massive chip on your shoulder for the world to see,” I shrug, “unless you wear it that way by choice and some people do,” and I’m not naming names. “But if you do it right, this hole will be more like one of your limbs. Familiar like the sound of your own voice. Slightly annoying like a certain word or a phrase you like to use, perhaps overuse, for me it’s ‘holy shit’ by the way...but this hole, this new part, that’s you. And it’s comfortable.”
Cyndie sighs. “What if I don’t want to be comfortable with it? What if I just want to go back to being the girl I was before all this happened?”
I squeeze her shoulder. I get it. We all want to go back. We all want to be the girl from before. She’s kinder. Happier. More innocent and so delightfully naïve.
“You can’t go back, Cynthia,” I tell her quietly. “That girl, she’s gone. And she’s been gone for nearly four years now. This is the new you. And the hole, it’s a part who you are now. It won’t grow shut or even grow smaller, but I promise, you will become accustomed to it. You will learn to maneuver around it. And you’ll learn to protect it.” I tilt my head closer toward hers, “Be careful with that though, keeping the hole safe can inadvertently lead to keeping you alone and at a distance from the world. Being that kind of safe can keep you from being happy. And I am here to tell you, do not miss out on even the smallest moment of happiness. You have hurt enough.”
Cynthia wipes her face with the sleeves of her hoodie and takes several deep breaths. “I’m going to be able to get past this.” And I know really she’s still asking.
“You are. At some point, there will come a moment when something inside you shifts for a second, the noise will stop and you’ll get a clear glimpse of comfort, and in the midst of showing the world that you will be okay again, you’ll start to believe it could actually be true someday.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Carter ~ Seven Years Ago
“Es? Esi?” I’m practically running through the apartment. So, when she comes rushing out of the bedroom to meet me, we nearly collide in the hall. I laugh. “Well, this seems familiar.”
“Hm. Is this going to be your thing? Crashing into me in hallways? Because if it is, I should probably invest in some protective gear.” She’s got a smirk on her face that makes me want to do dirty things to her, and I will, just as soon as I tell her my news.
“First of all, you don’t need any protective gear as long as you have me, because I’m better than any gear out there. Second, I guess who got accepted to Cornell?”
Her eyes go crazy wide, her jaw drops and she starts jumping up and down in place. “Shut up! I knew it! I knew you’d do it!”
“I’m glad one of us did. For a while there I wasn’t so sure.” After I was forced to drop out of school and re-evaluate my life, things were up in the air for several months while I figured out the next step toward the new picture. Wasn’t that I didn’t know what I wanted to do. That part was easy. I’ve always been obsessed with buildings. The older the better. The structure. The design. It fascinates me. Up until recently I always just considered it my secret hobby. Now, I’m actually going to study it. Become an architect.
Esi’s still bouncing around from the excitement, but with multiple parts of her starting to connect with me, I’m slowly acting as her anchor.
“When do you start?”
This was the only tricky part. “Well, if all goes well with my student loans, I can start taking classes this summer.”
“That’s less than two months from now.” Esi’s suddenly less excited, but I can tell she’s trying really hard not to show her looming disappointment. “Do you know where you’ll be living yet?”
“Not sure. But I’m looking for a place off campus. Probably get some roommates. Somewhere you can come and stay as often as you like. That is, when I’m not coming here to see you.” It’s just over five hours by car. And I plan on making the trip a lot.
“Cornell.” She says it quietly. “Babe, I’m so proud of you.”
“It wouldn’t be happening if it weren’t for you.” I kiss the tip of her nose, but she makes a face.
“Let’s not mention that right now. I’m happy for you and all, but somehow I feel like I did myself a disservice by sending my boyfriend out of state a year before I can follow.” Cornell is one of the schools she’s considering for her graduate degree. That or Columbia. Mostly she’s just determined to spend a fraction of her twenties living in New York.
“The year will fly by. You’ll see. And then we’ll be together. After that, nothing will ever keep me from you again.”
She tilts her head back, her big green eyes searching mine. “Promise?”
I lean in, never breaking her gaze. “Promise.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Esi
I’m barely in the shower when I hear Evan start to cry. I start to count. If I get to twenty before she stops, I’m getting back out. Carter’s home though, so maybe he’ll hear her.
...seventeen, eighteen, fuck it. Dripping water all over the tile, I grab my towel as I run past the hook and keep going until I reach the nursery.
“Hi, beautiful. What’s with all this noise, silly girl? Taking advantage of those super strong lungs is awesome and all, but mommy was trying to take shower.” I lift her out of the crib and hold her against my chest to calm her. Wearing nothing but my towel, I walk downstairs with her in search of Carter. I don’t have to look long. He’s right there in the living room.
“Didn’t you hear her crying?” I don’t see how he couldn’t have.
“Sorry. Must have been distracted,” he mumbles.
“Yeah. That seems to be happening a lot lately.” Mostly, anytime I need help with Evan. I’m not in the mood to argue though. “Listen, I was just about to take a shower. Can you watch her? I’m sure if you just rock her for a few minutes, she’ll fall right back to sleep again anyway.”
His expression is pained and slightly appalled like I’ve just asked him to walk barefoot through a landfill. “You’re the expert at rocking her. Why don’t you just do it and then go take your shower once she’s back asleep?”
“Seriously?” I shake my head as if it will clear out all the stupid things he just said. “What is going on with you, Carter?”
He just acts like he doesn’t have a clue. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about your daughter and the way you refuse to participate in parenting her. Do you know, I was lying in bed last night thinking about how exhausting these last months have been? And how amazing it is that I forget just how tired and worn out I am, the second I hold her in my arms? And then I thought about you. And I realized, I’ve never once seen you hold her. You refuse to be left home alone with her. You claim to be too clumsy to change a diaper. And I can’t help but think that if she were dependent on you for food, she would starve to death because you’d have some excuse as to why you couldn’t do that either.” As soon a
s I say it out loud I regret it. “I’m sorry. I’m an asshole. I...I didn’t’ really mean that. I’m just tired.”
The helpless expression on his face is sending a piercing pain through my chest, and for once, I know it has nothing to do with my heart.
“No. You’re right. I haven’t been participating like I should. Or even like I want to. I’m sorry. I just...I can’t.”
Evan is already dozing off again, in spite of the semi-heated discussion Carter and I are having, and I carefully place her down into her swing, cautious not to disrupt her sleep again. Then, fixing my towel, I approach Carter until we’re standing face to face. “What are you afraid of? Hm? I know you love her, Carter. I can see it in your eyes every time you look at her. And I know you spend hours at night just standing in her room beside her crib watching her sleep. I hear you sing to her. Tell her stories. But you won’t pick her up. You won’t hold her. Why? Are you scared you might hurt her? Because I promise you, Carter, you can’t. You won’t. She’s not as fragile as she looks.”
The helplessness is turning to sadness and the ache in my heart increases. This is supposed to be the happiest time in our lives and, for some reason I can’t comprehend, Carter is hell-bent on denying himself the experience.
“It’s not Evan I’m afraid of, Es. It’s me. No matter how badly I want to be, I’m never going to be the father she needs.” He drops his gaze down, staring at his own hands. “I’ve known this for a while. I just, I didn’t know how to face it. I still don’t.” He looks up at me, tears in his eyes. “I love her so much, Es. So much. And she’s never going to know. She’s never going understand how badly I want to be the father she deserves to have.”
I want nothing more than to reach for him. To hold him. Tell him how wrong he is. What an amazing father he will be just as soon as he lets go of this insane idea that he’s predestined to be exactly like his own dad. But I don’t. I can’t. Something about Carter has changed. It’s like he’s drawn up an invisible wall between us and for the first time ever, I don’t know how to break through. I’m on the other side. I’ve never been on the other side.
“Carter...”
“I’m sorry, Es.” He turns away before I can formulate my thoughts enough to say anything. “I really am.” And I have no choice but to watch him walk out of the room and through the kitchen. A second later, I hear the door shut and I know he’s buried himself in his office. His favorite new hideout.
We don’t talk again about Evan, and in the days that follow, time seems to be passing at an agonizing pace. Dragging on with too much empty space this new silence in our home is leaving in its wake. Carter continues to remain distant and no matter what I try, he refuses to open up to me. So, I resort to doing the exact opposite. I give him time to himself. Except that seems more damaging to me than anything. I can feel him slipping further and further away from me with each day that goes by and it’s scaring the crap out of me.
Then, one morning, out of the blue, I wake up to see him smiling at me.
“Happy anniversary.”
“What?”
He chuckles, a soft rumble from deep in his throat. I always love that sound. “You don’t know what day it is?”
“Sunday?”
He nods. “Sure, it’s Sunday. But not just any Sunday. One year ago today, on a Saturday, you and I were married. Remember?”
I grin, slowly waking up. “Vaguely. Are you sure that was only a year ago? Because it feels more like ten.”
“Positive. Unlike you, I’ve been counting down the days for quite some time now.” He gets up from the bed, probably hoping he’ll encourage me to do the same.
“Why have you been counting down the days to our anniversary? Did you have some sort of a deal with yourself that you’d make it at least a year? Are you about to split now? What?” I’m teasing, but with the way things have been around here lately, I’m wondering if I’m really being all that funny. When I see his expression I’m pretty sure I’m not being funny at all.
“Actually I’ve been counting down the days so I can marry you all over again. Or don’t you remember the promise I made you that night?”
I forgot. As I feel the heat rush to my cheeks, I know he knows it, too. “With everything else that happened that night...I guess I lost track of some of the better parts of the day.”
He blinks his eyes as if to let me know he understands, then turns toward the door. “Get ready. Lev is already downstairs with Evan, so you and I can take off for our own private ceremony.” He smiles briefly before he walks out.
Maybe things haven’t been hopeless after all. Maybe he just needed time. All things considered, time was the least I could give him in return for all he’s done for me.
Feeling suddenly excited, I jump out of bed and hurry for my closet. I have no idea what to wear. The days have been increasingly chillier, but the sun is still making consistent appearances, so I can probably get away with wearing a dress of some sort. I’d like that. Considering my wedding dress didn’t exactly survive the crash, the original perk of having a second go at wearing it is out, but maybe if I layer the rusty orange sweater dress over leggings with my boots. Yes. Definitely. The earthy colors will go well with Carter’s green shirt and khaki pants. And I’ll want a picture. I haven’t been in a picture in ages. With the scar on the edge of my hairline, I haven’t felt all the photogenic. But my hair is definitely growing in nicely in the area, so today will be the day.
It takes me less than thirty minutes to get showered and ready. Thanks to my daughter, I’ve been learning to go through my whole routine in record time these days.
Downstairs, Lev is sitting with Evan in her lap, while Mr. Nigellus is curled up at the opposite end of the couch, eyeing them both skeptically. He’s still not completely convinced having Evan around is all that impressive, but at least he doesn’t hiss at her anymore when he sees her.
“So, you headed out?” Lev’s tone is upbeat, but I can tell there’s more to it. She almost sounds concerned. Makes sense I suppose. It’s not just the anniversary of my wedding. It’s also one year today since the accident. And we’re about to go back there. To the scene of the wreck. Well, we’re going to drive through it anyway. It’ll be the first time since it happened, but I’m ready. I want to go back to that field. I want to replace all of the desperate and scary feelings surrounding those places with good ones again. The feelings I was always meant to associate with that field, those roads leading up to it and that day.
“It’s our anniversary,” I say like it explains everything. Apparently, it does.
Lev nods. “I know. Go. Take all the time you need. Evan and I will be good here.”
I make a detour by the couch to kiss them both on my way to the door. Carter must already be outside. “Bye.”
The drive is even longer than I remember, and with nerves getting the better of both of us, the only sounds in the car are coming from my radio.
By the time we finally reach the field, my heart is pounding so hard and so high, I swear I can feel it thumping in my throat every time I swallow. I have no idea why. I survived the hard part. I got past the patch of highway that nearly claimed both of our lives that night. And it can’t be wedding jitters, I’m already married to the man for Pete’s sake. But it’s something. And whatever it is, I’m terrified of it.
“Come here.” Carter cocks his head to the side and waves me toward him. Even without our makeshift altar or the arbor covered in all of the most beautiful flowers in the world, I recognize the spot he’s standing in. Timidly, I take one small step after the next, until I’m standing right in front of him.
“You look scared,” he whispers.
“I feel scared,” I whisper back. “But I don’t know why.”
He drops his lids until his eyes are nearly shut and he nods slowly. “Yes, you do.”
I can feel the burn announcing my tears, but I don’t want to cry. Not now. Not again. Not when I don’t have a reason to. I don’t have a reason to.
I don’t have a reason to.
“Es...how much do you remember about the night of the accident?” Stupid question.
“All of it. But I don’t want to remember it. Not now. Not today. Please.” I turn my head and stare out into the open green. Anything to keep from facing Carter.
“I’m sorry.” I hear him move and take a step until he’s standing directly in front of me again. “I know this is hard. But I need you to remember. I need you to tell me what happened that night.”
“Why? You were there. You know.” This whole thing seems unbearably cruel to me. And Carter is never cruel, so I don’t understand. Any of this.
“I need to know what you know, Es. Please.” His voice is breaking same as mine. This is torturing him, too. So, I give in. I tell him. If he needs to hear it. If this is what it will take for him to move forward, I’ll say whatever he needs me to.
I clear my throat, trying to find my voice. “Where do you want me to start?”
“After the crash.” He bites his lip. Hard. So hard, I’m surprised he doesn’t draw blood. “When you first came to.”
“I heard things before I even regained consciousness all the way. Voices mostly. Yelling things to one another, but I couldn’t understand any of what they were saying. My head was pounding and it was overriding everything at first. Then, slowly, I became more aware of things. Like my dress. It was soaked. I thought we wound up in the lake. Thought it was water. It wasn’t. It was blood. My blood.” I stop to look at him, hoping against hope he’s heard enough and tells me it’s okay to stop. But he doesn’t. He does the opposite.
“What happened next?”
“Carter.” I want to beg him to let me stop. I don’t want to do this.
