I went home, to my townhouse, my sanctuary. I didn’t even bother to change my clothes or unbraid my hair before climbing into bed and huddling underneath the covers. Sometimes when you’ve had too much, the only thing to do is hide, lick your wounds, and avoid whatever it is that’s trying to smash you flat.
Chapter Nine
Mondays are usually pretty busy days for me. My clients send their billing reports on Mondays. My email inbox gets so full it takes me half the day to sort through everything. Slacking off on a Monday is on my short list of stupid things to do.
On that particular Monday I didn’t care. I didn’t even get out of bed. Still dressed in my clothes from the night before, my hair in a long, thick braid, I rolled away from the window and closed my eyes.
Anna came sometime between eleven and noon. Normally she’d just use her key and walk right in, but in a lucid moment the night before, I had slid the chain lock before retreating to my bedroom. So instead of walking in and demanding I get my ass out of bed, she stood at the door and yelled through the narrow opening. I let her yell. I was sort of mad at her, too. Jared said everybody knew but me. That meant Anna was in on his little secret, the busybody.
That was really the worst part. I mean, it disgusted me to think that all this time I’d thought Gillian the barracuda had a ridiculous fixation on Jared, when in reality she had every reason to be obsessed. Well, maybe not long-term obsessed, because five plus years was a long time for love to go unrequited. In fact, I suspected she’d never gotten over her husband. That would explain a few things about her. Of course, Jared had no real control over her feelings. It was horrible that he hadn’t made himself unequivocally clear on the subject, but he was a guy. Guys were no good at that kind of thing. No, what horrified me about the whole convoluted mess was that Jared claimed everyone but me knew how he felt.
Was I really that oblivious? And worse, did it mean that our whole friendship was a figment of my imagination? What about Anna? If she’d known, that meant she’d been sort of lying to me. For years! This had been going on for years!
Rolling restlessly to my other side, I curled into a tighter ball and hugged my knees to my chest. My mind spun in circles, thinking back through so many years of friendship. Anna and her vivacious personality, Jared and I swept along in her wake as we experienced all of the things I would consider the best times of my life. Third Sunday brunch, Fourth Friday Happy Hour, hours spent in the gym laughing and talking together, tickets to Wicked at the Fox theatre the year before, dinner at some of the city’s best restaurants, bike rides along the Mississippi, that horrible trip to the top of the Arch in a tiny pod, watching the Cardinals play at Busch Stadium, tickets to the Super Bowl even though we all hated football… Those were the things that made up my whole life. Had it always been like that? Just the three of us?
I tried to remember other people, a bigger group. Sometimes Anna brought along a date if she was currently seeing someone. In fact, Jared and I had seen her through dozens of relationships. We’d met them, been polite, teased her in private, offered advice, and helped her through every one of her breakups.
In all that time, my longest relationship had been with Professor Jackass. Even in those eight-and-a-half months I’d only invited him to one happy hour and taken him with me as a date to four or five events. Why?
A little voice in the back of my head sneered at me, told me things I didn’t want to hear. I smashed a pillow over my head, but I couldn’t drown out the sound of my own conscience telling me that I’d been pretending with Jared all of these years. That I’d been keeping my dates and my friends separate because I liked being Jared’s unofficial date to all of those things, that I liked spending time with him and being the second half of his third wheel.
I sat up abruptly, struggling to fling my covers away. The bedside clock read five pm. Ollie would be at my front door in three hours. It was time to get up and stop feeling sorry for myself. I needed to grow up, to decide what it was I wanted. I was thirty-five years old, and I had been masquerading as my best friend’s girlfriend. It was way past time for me to get my shit together.
* * *
When Ollie knocked on my front door at 8:05 I was showered, dressed, and in the kitchen putting the final touches on my Pasta con Broccoli. Through with pretending to be someone I wasn’t, I hadn’t even bothered to make a side of chicken to put in Ollie’s serving.
The expression on his face was uncertain when I opened the door. “Hey.”
“Hey yourself, come on in.”
He glanced around the narrow hallway, his eyes drifting up the twisting stairs to the second floor and then into the kitchen. “I wasn’t sure we still had plans for tonight.”
I took the bottle of wine he handed me, not surprised to see that it was a Missouri wine. “Why not?”
“You’ve been avoiding my calls all day.”
“Oh.” I’d forgotten that I had left my phone in the car on purpose the previous night. “I just forgot to charge the phone.”
A grin kicked up the corners of his mouth. “Lose another charger down the garbage disposal?”
Normally the sink incident would’ve been the start of our witty banter. Now it was a painful reminder of Jared. I shook my head and went to find a bottle opener and some glasses. “So, how was your trip to see your family? Tell me all about them. I’m an only child so I can’t even imagine how busy your place was growing up!” I infused my voice with false brightness.
His green eyes assessed my forced happiness and I could see him deciding whether or not to let it go. Praying he’d be cooperative, I popped the cork on the wine bottle and filled a glass nearly full. The rich bouquet was sweet with just a hint of bitter herbs. Taking a small sip, I was surprised to find that I really liked it.
“That’s a Concord, from down South near where my folks live. It’s a good wine for people who don’t drink a lot,” he explained. “The taste is more like juice than the usual table wine.”
I looked up in surprise to meet his even gaze. “What makes you think I don’t drink?”
Ollie stepped closer and removed the glass from my hand, setting it aside. “I watched you drink three margaritas the other night without once telling me you didn’t like them, but I could tell that you didn’t. Want to explain that to me?”
“I didn’t want to complain. I hate whiners and I know you do too.”
He laughed. “That’s not complaining, Megan. That’s telling me what you like.”
I took a breath to say something else, but never got the words out. Ollie took my hands and stretched my arms, looping them around his neck. Leaning down, he kissed me. His mouth opened and his tongue slipped into my mouth. I welcomed the intrusion, kissing him back with enthusiasm. I thought of our other kisses, how chaste and unsatisfying they’d been, how this was more of what I wanted. More like Jared’s kiss in the park.
Ollie pulled back just as I was frantically trying to shove thoughts of Jared from my brain. He brushed his lips along my cheek to my ear, his breath sending ticklish chills down my spine.
“See, I need to know what you like. Did you like that?”
Unable to speak and afraid he would see the renegade things running through my head, I managed a nod. His arms tightened, and I gratefully pressed my face into his chest, inhaling deeply. He smelled good, different, but still good. I’d learn to get used to it.
“So what are you cooking in here?” Ollie asked, sniffing. “It smells wonderful.”
“Pasta con Broccoli,” I answered, doubly grateful for the change of subject. “Without meat.”
“Vegetarian.” He rolled his eyes. “Megan you’re killing me here. Did you have a good time at all on Friday?”
“Of course I did! I had a fantastic time on Friday. It was just Saturday morning that I hated.”
He chuckled. “I don’t even want to know, baby. I’m sorry.”
I bustled about, getting the food ready and putting the finishing touches on the dining room tabl
e I almost never use. If I cook at all, it’s either just quick stuff for me or a meal for Anna and Jared. We always eat in the kitchen at my cozy, cramped table. I’d wanted things to be special for Ollie, so I’d spent forty-five minutes cleaning the paperwork out of what had become my office away from my office and returned it to its dining room state.
“This is amazing,” he gushed as he helped me carry the serving bowls to the table. “A beautiful woman who’s funny, loving, and knows how to cook. Are you sure you’re still single?”
I swallowed the lump that had instantly appeared in my throat and passed Ollie a meaningful look. “Not anymore.”
He got the gist of what I was saying. I know he did because as soon as he set the bowls down he swept me up for another mind-numbing kiss.
“I could do that all night long, baby.” He pulled away. “We’d better eat before I decide to skip dinner and go straight for desert.”
Butterflies exploded in my belly and a deep ache began to form a little lower, in a place I’d ignored for much too long. I sat quickly, taking a long drink of wine to put out the flames. This was going to be a tricky evening. Had I even considered what might happen afterwards? Was I ready for that?
Ollie seemed to sense my apprehension because he slid into a raucous round of tales about him and his three brothers after that. I found myself beginning to relax, lured into it by his easy manners and quick wit. I began to marvel that I’d found such a great guy when there was a knock at the door.
I froze, my wine glass halfway to my mouth. There were two possibilities for who might be on the other side of that door, neither of them good.
Ollie’s eyes narrowed. “Are you expecting anyone?”
I cleared my throat. “No, I’m not. I’d better go and see who it is. Excuse me for a minute?”
He nodded, though he looked ready to come with me. I hurriedly got up from the table and went into the hallway, knowing I wasn’t going to like whatever was about to happen. Flinging open the door, I found myself face to face with Jared. Whatever mess I’d been hours earlier while languishing away in bed, he was ten times worse. His eyes were wild and his hair looked as if he’d been repeatedly stabbing his fingers through it all day.
“We need to talk.”
“Now really isn’t a good time.”
“I don’t care. There are things I have to tell you. You won’t answer your phone and Anna couldn’t get you to come to the door…”
“Everything all right?” Ollie’s voice drifted into the hallway.
“I’m fine, Ollie. I’ll just be a quick second.”
Jared had gone wooden at the first sound of Ollie’s deep voice. The anguish I saw in his expression tore me in two. Knowing I couldn’t just shut the door in his face and leave him like this, I grabbed his hand and dragged him into my kitchen.
I pushed closed the door between the kitchen and the dining room. “What do you want to say? What do you want me to say?”
“Megan, please.” His voice was hoarse, as if he were having a hard time forcing the words out.
“Please what? Let things just keep on going the way they were? Pretend none of this happened? I can’t do that, Jared. It did happen. And now I have to deal with the results.”
“Like this?” Jared gestured angrily to the dining room. “With him?”
“Yes, with him! Maybe if I’m with him I’ll have the courage to stop pretending I’m with you.”
“He isn’t what you think, Megan.”
“Neither were you, Jared.”
A tormented expression took hold of his eyes and I felt as if my whole world was about to tumble down around my ears. Why now? I’d been doing so good!
“Just leave. Go talk to Anna if it makes you feel better. I think I need a break from you both until I can figure out what’s real and what’s not.”
I thought I’d have to do a lot more convincing to get him to leave, but I didn’t. Jared turned without another word and the door closed behind him with barely a click.
The encounter had left me raw inside, as if my heart had been scraped out with a spoon. I returned to the dining room, trying and failing to paste a smile back on my face. I was done trying to be happy. It hurt too much.
Ollie wasn’t sitting at the table anymore. He was waiting. His strong arms opened to me and I walked in without hesitation, basking in his acceptance. I suddenly couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.
“Go ahead and cry, baby.” He stroked my back. “It’s okay to cry on me.”
It wasn’t okay to cry on him, and something deep inside told me that, but my heart wouldn’t listen. I was raw and needy, and Ollie was there and willing to comfort me. I should have asked him to leave, retreated to my room and licked my wounds in private. But when your heart is aching and you feel alone, it’s near impossible to resist the lure of warmth and companionship. No matter the price.
Somehow we wound up on my loveseat. My explanation came out in bits and pieces, punctuated by sobs and those disgusting little hiccups that happen when you cry for too long. I was blubbering, but Ollie didn’t seem to care. He cuddled me close, wrapped his big arms around me, and tried to soothe me in his low, warm voice. I don’t know what all he said before my brain began to process his words.
“It doesn’t matter what they think of me, baby. I don’t care. The only things that matter are Megan and Ollie. If Megan and Ollie are okay then everything else will work itself out.”
“But they’re my friends. They’re supposed to support me.”
“Jared’s not your friend, baby. He’s been using you.” Ollie’s green eyes bored into mine, looking wise and certain. “All of this time he’s been thinking of you as a stand in. You’ve been thinking he’s your friend and you’re like his safety net instead. He just falls back on you when his own relationships fail, not even caring how badly that hurts you.”
His words made a sick kind of sense to my muddled mind. I had been a little bit like a safety net. Jared always had me to turn to when he needed someone. But hadn’t I used him the same way? Wasn’t that a little bit what friendship really was?
“Now he’s threatened by me, by us, by this wonderful relationship that we’re building between us and he’s trying to circumvent it by making you doubt everything.”
Lies and deception and doubt whirled inside me like a tornado of feeling I couldn’t get hold of.
“It was only a matter of time before he started pushing you to sleep with him, baby.”
“Jared wouldn’t do that.”
“Jared’s a guy,” Ollie gently chided. “I’m a guy. I know guys. But he and I are nothing alike.”
I met his eyes, willing myself to see truth there.
“I love you, baby. I want to be with you. I want us to be together.”
The wine I’d drunk was going to my head. The room grew fuzzy. Ollie was the only solid thing inside the spinning colors and textures. Adrenaline and sorrow and exhaustion overwhelmed me. I clung to what he told me. I wanted it to be true, how I wanted that! To be desired and loved and cherished above everything else. My fingers clutched at his shirt, pulling him down for another kiss.
Our mouths met hungrily, almost shy of desperate. His taste was both familiar and foreign. I shoved my doubts away, angered by them, wanting to drown them out in this newfound sense of belonging. Squirreling sideways, I climbed onto him and straddled his lap.
“Baby, you’re killing me.” He groaned and stabbed his fingers into my hair to pull me in for another deep, drugging kiss.
I was on fire, hot, needy, hurting, my emotions manifesting in a physical longing to join with someone. It was real and unreal, abstract and tangible. I became aware of several things almost immediately. One, I’d been way too long without a man. Two, I was going to make love with Ollie.
His hands were everywhere, burning across my skin, pushing at my clothes. I don’t remember moving from the couch downstairs to my bedroom upstairs, but we did. He carried me, I think; his arms locked beneath
my backside as I locked my legs about his waist and kissed him hungrily, tickling my lips on his beard.
I had more than a moment of doubt when he laid me on my down comforter. How could I do this so lightly? Had I intended this to happen when I issued the dinner invitation? Wasn’t this the next logical step in our relationship? Wasn’t I ready? My head pounded with questions though my brain was dulled by alcohol and grief.
“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured. “I’ve dreamed of this.”
His words unleashed a jolt of excitement. Ollie wanted me, wanted this for us. How could I doubt him?
He drew his shirt over his head, tossing it lightly to my floor. His shoulders were broad, though they lacked definition. A dusting of dark hair covered his chest, tapering to a thin trail as it ranged down his thick waist and neared the waistband of his unzipped pants. He was big and broad and warm. My brain processed what my eyes saw, identifying the differences between Ollie and Jared.
Jared with the tantalizing physique, the silver barbell piercing his left nipple and the gryphon’s tail snaking around his side. My mind fixed on that familiar image. Jared’s fathomless blue eyes that crinkled when he smiled, the endearing dimples on his cheeks and the way he looked when he listened so intently to what I said.
How could it have been lies?
Anger swept me in a wave, deciding me. I’d take this night with Ollie. I would do this for myself, for this budding relationship that could be so much more. Looking up at him, I reached out a hand and drew him down to me. When I kissed him again, thoughts of Jared left me.
Chapter Ten
I awoke disoriented with a massive headache on Tuesday morning. I was also alone. Wondering if Ollie were in the kitchen or bathroom, I forced myself out of bed. My legs were rubbery and I grabbed the bedpost to keep from falling. Had I ever been this hung over before in my life? My mouth was cottony and my eyelids were sandpaper against my eyeballs. Every noise was agony.
Mr. Wonderful Lies Page 11
