by Kristy Love
“What do you do, Roxie?” he asked, and took a sip of his beer.
“I work as a receptionist in a real estate office.” I’d been working at the company for almost a year. It was part-time while I was in school, but now that I dropped out of school, they let me switch to full-time.
“No school or anything?”
“I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do.” I sipped my drink. I wanted the focus off me. “What do you do, Kurt?”
“I work with retirement funds. It’s boring.” His fingers brushed over my arm. A slow song started and the atmosphere in the club changed. Even though we were in a crowded room, it was more intimate.
I nodded. We chatted for a few more minutes as I sipped my martini. The alcohol swirled in my stomach and my head. I thought Kurt was flirting with me, but I wasn’t sure. His light stroke on my hip went to my head as fast as the vodka, his eyes dropped to my lips frequently.
I liked it. I liked feeling desired, wanted, and beautiful. Robert never made me feel this way.
Kurt leaned in close and his lips brushed against my ear. “I’d like to take you home, Roxie.”
I barely contained my surprise. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. I mean, if you want to, that is.”
Desire coursed through my veins. Kurt was hot as hell with hazel eyes and brown hair. He had on a grey suit and stubble on his chin. His deep voice was almost enough on its own, but all of it together? I was curious. I wanted to know what it was like to be with someone who wanted to be with me, who desired me, and who looked at me with that much hunger in his eyes.
Could I handle a one-night stand, though? I had no doubt that was all he wanted. He wanted a hook up and then we would both move on. I’d never done anything like this and I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about it once it was done. Right now, it sounded like an amazing idea, like something I wanted to do. But what about tomorrow?
Enough thinking. Just jump.
“I’d like that.”
His face broke out in a huge grin. He took my martini glass from my hand and I shot Harper a quick text, letting her know I was leaving.
Then I followed Kurt out of the club, him holding my hand and rubbing his thumb over my knuckles.
KURT HELD MY shoulders and kissed my forehead.
“This was fun,” he said, his thumbs running over my skin.
I nodded, at a loss for words. Fun wasn’t the word I’d use for tonight. Explosive. Arousing. Orgasmic. Fucking incredible. Those were words I’d use.
Who knew you could orgasm from sex? I sure as hell didn’t. Not until about four hours ago.
Yes. Four hours ago. When Kurt brought me back to his place, I was a little nervous and had no idea what to do with myself. He quickly banished all insecurities. He showed me what I’d been missing, with many different parts of himself. I finally realized why all my friends were crazy about sex. I felt beautiful, powerful, and desired. I’d never felt those things with Robert. I always felt like I was a sidekick.
“Thanks for everything,” I said. I slipped my jacket over my shoulders and smiled up at him. He slipped a business card between my fingers.
“Here’s my number if you ever want to have fun again.”
I stared down at his card, then looked up at him, smiling. I liked that idea. “Sounds great.” He kissed my cheek, opened the door, and I walked out. That was it.
I pulled my wallet out of my purse and tucked his card into it. After so many years of not feeling wanted or desired, Kurt was a breath of fresh air. He spent hours with my body, worshipping my curves and letting me know how beautiful he thought I was. And there wasn’t anything there beyond physical pleasure. Neither of us stated it, but it was clear. I was attracted to Kurt, he was hot as hell, but I didn’t feel anything for him.
I could do this. What did guys call it? Pump and dump? I could do the female version of that. Fuck and leave. Whatever.
My heels clicked against the tile as I strode across the lobby of his apartment building. I’d never felt so sexy. I smiled at the security guy at the desk and winked. His face blanched. A smirk curled my lips.
Yeah, I could do this.
HARPER WAS OVER and we were getting ready for another night out. My parents were officially not speaking to me, but I didn’t give a shit. They were mad I wasn’t in school and I was out partying too much. Again, I didn’t give a fuck. It’d been three months since everything went down with Robert and I never felt better. I finally knew what real pleasure was, what it felt like to have a man worship my body, and I wasn’t ready to leave it behind.
I loved every minute of it.
I didn’t go out every night. It was usually two or three nights a week and I didn’t always go home with a guy. Sometimes it was enough to dance and leave the guy high and dry.
As long as I had all the control.
“I fucking love that lip color,” Harper said as she snatched the tube out of my hand and applied it to herself.
“It’s not too red?” I peered in the mirror. I usually stayed away from reds because of my reddish hair, but I loved this color and the way it looked on my lips. It made them pop.
“Roxie, you look like you’re going to eat them alive tonight. It’s perfect for you.”
We laughed.
Because I would eat them alive.
Harper joked that I had turned into a true man-eater, that I lived up to my fuck ’em and leave ’em mantra. And I did, for the most part. There were a few guys who I kept as booty calls, like Kurt. If they were out and I wanted a bite, I’d go with them. If I was in the mood for someone new, I’d go with someone new.
It was all up to me.
“You’re just jealous because you’re tied to one guy now.” I smirked at her.
“You’re jealous because I found love right when you got your heart broken,” she responded. She stuck her tongue out at me. “Hugh’s a nice guy, though. He’s good to me.”
I fixed my eye shadow. “I don’t have an issue with Hugh. He has no problem with girl time.” I winked at her. He had no issue with Harper and I going out, though she usually only went out with me once a week. It didn’t bother me. It was easier to find a hook up if she wasn’t around.
“A relationship isn’t so bad, Rox. A good relationship is totally worth it. Doesn’t it get tiring always trying to find someone new?” She frowned, as though she was trying desperately to understand me, like we hadn’t had this conversation a million times.
“I like being in control. I call the shots. I get what I want and I leave. Not everyone is relationship material. Maybe I’m meant to be alone.” I shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Not every man is like Robert. Not everyone is going to cheat on you. Robert had a good reason. He’s gay. You can’t blame him for that. It’s time to let it go.”
I fought an eye roll. “I don’t blame Robert for anything and you know that. Yes, he broke my heart, but he’s being himself now. He’s happy now and I’m glad. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to love who he wants to love.” I pointed my mascara wand at her. “He didn’t need to lie to me. As soon as he realized he had feelings for another man, he should have cut me loose instead of cheating and lying for so long. It would have hurt, but it would have hurt a lot less than walking in on him fucking someone else.”
She pressed her lips together and raised an eyebrow. “Love is out there for you, Roxie. I know it is.”
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Are you almost ready?” I brushed another coat of mascara on.
“Yep.” She ran her finger under her bottom lip, fixing a slight smudge. We turned and left my bedroom. To avoid shit from my parents, we were both dressed respectfully in jeans and T-shirts. If they opened our tiny purses, they’d find our real outfits. We’d stop at the fast food joint down the road and change in their bathroom.
“Roxie, where are you going?” my dad boomed.
“To the movies.” I shrugged into a light jacket since the evening air was still a little cool.
My dad rounded the corner and took me in, his eyes scanning my body. When he was pleased with what I wore, he nodded. “When will you be back?”
“I’m staying at Harper’s tonight.” I waved and Harper and I left.
“My dad is such a pain in the ass,” I said once we were in Harper’s car.
“I know.”
That was enough said about that. When we got to the Wendy’s, we went inside and changed. I put on my pale pink skirt that came to mid-thigh and a black sleeveless shirt that had a heart-shaped neckline. I paired it with a chunky necklace.
I thought I looked hot. My parents would think I looked slutty.
Back in the car, Harper brought up her upcoming plans to meet her boyfriend’s parents.
“I don’t know what to wear. And do you think I should take something?” Her eyes went wide.
“Take cookies. Everyone loves cookies. Or brownies. Those are easy.”
“That’s a good idea. Maybe a bottle of wine, though then I have to worry about red or white or sweet or dry. What the fuck do I know about wine? I’m a vodka girl.”
We both laughed. Harper was definitely not a wine girl. She liked hard liquor.
She pulled up outside our usual club and parked. It was packed, but we always had fun here. The club was named Trinity. It was infamous for not checking IDs, so we could drink without any issue. The inside was lush. Red, black, and chrome were everywhere and it had a modern yet sexy feel to it. Plus, the hottest of the hot came here.
We entered and paid our cover, and I scanned the room. It seemed as though most of the guys were already paired up with someone, but the night was young. “Let’s get a drink,” I yelled over the throbbing music. Arms linked, we made our way to the bar. I ordered a rum and Coke, turned to face the dance floor and watch people dance.
Harper turned around once she had her fruity drink with vodka. This club was our favorite because they never carded anyone, at least that I’d ever seen.
“Harper!” someone yelled over the throbbing music. The voice belonged to a friend of hers who we ran into sometimes when we were out. “I thought I saw you walk in.”
“Hey, Vickie.” Harper hugged her. They got into a conversation and I cast an eye over the room, looking for the right guy. I found one with light brown hair and gorgeous eyes walking across the room. I smiled and downed my drink. My eyes met Harper’s. “I’ll be back in a little bit.” Now that she was with Vickie, they’d undoubtedly talk for hours about Vickie’s upcoming wedding.
Snore.
I slipped away and went up to the hottie. I touched his arm and got his attention. A smile crinkled his eyes. “Hi, want to dance?” I asked. I wasn’t the type of girl who let opportunity slip away. I grabbed life by the balls and made it my bitch.
He grabbed my hand, a sexy smirk on his face. Though the music was slow, he pulled me into him, rested his hands on my waist and moved us. I could tell the chemistry between us would be amazing. To be sure, I pulled his head down to me and kissed him. He was a great kisser.
I was going to have fun with him tonight.
I SLIPPED OUT of John’s place while he was still asleep. I left a note on his table with my phone number and instructions to call me if he wanted to have fun again. Kurt made things really easy for me in the beginning by letting me know what he expected and he opened this world to me. Now I had a few different guys who I saw on occasion. They all understood what I wanted—and how I wanted it. It was easy and pleasurable.
Once I was in the corridor, I turned my phone on and saw a lot of missed calls from my mom and frantic texts from Harper.
Harper: CALL ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since it was two in the morning, I called Harper.
“Roxie, where the fuck have you been?” she yelled when she answered the phone.
“With John.” This shouldn’t have been a surprise. For a while, she and I hung out with John at the bar. She knew I was going home with him.
“I’ve been trying to reach you for hours.”
“What’s going on?” I always turned my phone off when I got to the guy’s place. Fewer interruptions that way.
“Your mom needs you to go to the hospital. Now.”
My heart fell to my toes. Had my dad finally gone too far? “What happened?” I tried to keep my voice steady, but I knew I was failing. My eyes burned, wanting to shed tears, but I refused to let them fall.
“Your dad had a heart attack tonight. She’s still there. Last I heard, she didn’t have any news.”
“Which hospital?”
“St. Margaret’s.”
“Oh, my God.” I was at John’s house and had no way to get to the hospital. “I need to call a cab.”
“I’ll meet you at the hospital,” Harper said. I hung up and called a cab. During the wait, I paced. St. Margaret’s was twenty-five minutes away. I couldn’t get there soon enough. I needed to be there for my mom.
Once the taxi showed up, I hopped inside and directed him where to go. The whole drive to the hospital, I wasn’t sure how I felt about the news. Part of me was sad, sure; he was my dad. Another part of me felt nothing. I wasn’t close to him and since he kicked Cassie out, I mostly downright hated him.
I hated the way he kicked Cassie out. I hated the way he treated my mother. I hated the way he treated me. He was my first lesson in men letting me down. Robert was merely the last straw.
By the time I got to the hospital, my emotions were all over the place. My head spun, my heart ached, and my eyes burned. I didn’t want to cry over my father. He didn’t deserve the tears.
The automatic glass doors opened wide and I entered the chilly hospital lobby clutching my jacket against my chest. I wished I had different clothes on, but I didn’t want to take the time to go home. My mom was seated in a cushioned chair and stood on shaky legs as I approached her. She collapsed into me and sobbed into my arms.
“What happened?” I asked.
“Your dad was in the kitchen and he fell to the floor. The ambulance came and took him. I haven’t heard any news, other than he had a heart attack. I don’t know what’s going on.”
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
A doctor came out, his face somber. And I knew. I knew in that moment, our lives were changing forever.
There had been too many moments like this lately.
“Mrs. Brennan?” he asked.
“Yes.” My mom’s spine stiffened as she prepared herself.
“I’m sorry, but he didn’t make it.” The doctor went on to explain that he had a heart attack and they tried to stabilize him before surgery, but he didn’t make it.
“Thank you for letting us know,” my mom said, her voice steady. I wondered what happened. A few minutes ago, she was a mess. When the doctor walked away, my mom turned to me. “Everything changes now.” I nodded. “I want us to go home, collect ourselves, you wash the smell of man off you, and then tomorrow, we have things to do.”
My eyes widened. My mom had never addressed my actions this way. “Okay. What all do you want to accomplish?”
“We have family members to contact, a funeral to plan, and your father to lay to rest.” She squared her shoulders and looked me dead in the eye, holding me in place. “First thing in the morning, we’re calling your sister. It’s far past time. She needs to come home.”
At this, my own knees almost buckled. I never thought I’d live to see my sister welcomed home. It was strange that my father’s death brought about something so amazingly wonderful. “What do you think she’ll say?”
“I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. I want my baby girl and my grandchild home. It’s time to be a real family again.”
We linked arms and walked out of the hospital.
I HELD MY phone in my hand, staring at it, not sure how to do this. How was I going to call my sister after all the years of silence? How did I make her understand that I hated abandoning her, yet by the time I was able to reach out to her, I’d convinced myself it was too late.
I sighed and dialed the number I hadn’t called in so long, praying it was still hers. It rang, and right as I was about to give up hope, she answered. Oh, thank God!
“Hello?” Her voice was shaky and I closed my eyes. My heart was frantic in my chest.
“Cassie.” I couldn’t keep my voice steady or free of tears.
“Roxie.” I squeezed my eyes, trying to stop the tears. I had to get through this conversation, but the sound of her voice and knowing she was there . . . it was almost too much. I had so much I wanted to say and so much I needed to say and it all started coming out at once.
“Cassie, I’m so sorry.” That was all I could get out before I burst into tears. “I’m so sorry, I’m such an asshole and I abandoned you when you needed me the most and I needed you the most and everything has been so fucked up and I just want you to come home.” Her silence made me wonder if she even understood me. I was crying so hard and I could hardly breathe. I paused and took a breath, trying so hard to calm down enough to even talk to her. “I’m sorry, Cassie. I’m the worst fucking sister in the history of sisters and you should hate me, but I hope to God you don’t hate me because I love you so fucking much and I’m so sorry. I never should have listened to them. I’m so sorry.”
“I’ve missed you, Roxie.” I could hear the tears in her voice.
“I’ve missed you. I’ve felt that there was something missing from me for the last couple years.”
“Then why’d it take you so long?”
Her words were like a kick to my gut. Sobs ripped from my throat and I could hardly breathe. It hurt so much, having to tell her how weak and stupid I was. I was so embarrassed and ashamed and I just wanted things to be okay between us, but I knew it would be a long, hard road.
“They threatened me, Cassie. They didn’t want me to contact you at all. They said if I did, they’d kick me out. I figured I had such a short amount of time until I was done with school, I’d just wait. I’d call you, hell, I’d track you down when I got to college, but then when I got to college, it seemed it had been too long. It’d been two years and I abandoned you when you needed me the most. What kind of fucking sister am I?”
