by Kristy Love
This was killing me.
I couldn’t be all the things they needed me to be. I had to make medical decisions. I had to be here and visit with them. I had to be strong. I had to keep hope.
And I had my job that I’d neglected. It was the furthest thing from my mind, though I did get calls asking me questions. Luckily, I had a staff that was able to handle the majority of the work.
I felt so fucking powerless. Sitting in the hospital was painful and I felt useless. I couldn’t take it much longer. I was going crazy.
“How are you doing today?” Roxie asked. She grabbed a slice and took a bite.
“I’m alive.”
Roxie’s eyes saddened. “Any news on Gia?” She looked over at her.
“No. None. Her brain scans look promising, but there’s nothing new.”
“What about Mia?”
“I think they’re keeping her drugged so she doesn’t get hysterical. Apparently, she was awake long enough to freak out, so they think it’s best to keep her sedated for now.”
“How long will she be in the hospital?”
“A day or two more.”
Roxie bit her lip and looked down at her pizza. “What will happen then?”
“I’ll take her home.”
“Will you be able to take care of her?”
A flash of anger jolted through me. I took a deep breath to contain my temper. “Of course I will.”
“I just mean, how can you be here at the hospital with Gia and take care of Mia at home? Plus, what about your job?”
I shrugged and grabbed a piece of pizza. I ate the entire slice before answering her. “I’ll figure it out.”
“I’m here. Tell me what you need and I’m more than happy to help.”
I nodded. We ate in silence. Our eyes strayed to Gia periodically. The ventilator was the only sound in the room. It tore me apart to see her this way. I wished she’d wake up.
“I’ll stay with Gia for a while. Go see Mia,” Roxie offered when we were done eating.
I had to admit I was anxious to check on my sister again. I stood. “If you need me, let me know.”
She nodded and I left the room. I felt like a zombie. I travelled from place to place, though my mind was elsewhere. It was too hard to be here mentally. If I pondered on what was happening, I got so angry I wanted to hunt Brock down and choke him. I wanted to kill him so he knew the pain we were all experiencing. The fact he didn’t even care about his daughter or his wife confirmed everything I knew about the arsehole. He was worthless. He wasn’t even a man.
As I walked down the hallway toward Mia’s room, a nurse stopped me. “She’s awake.”
“And you didn’t call me?” Anger simmered.
“She just woke up a few moments ago. The doctors lowered her pain medicine to determine how she’d react.”
I didn’t respond, I stormed down the hall to Mia’s room. I found her lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling as tears fell onto the pillow beneath her head.
I strode across the room. “Are you okay?” I sank into the chair next to her bed and picked up her bruised hand. It was yellowing now, but I still worried I’d hurt her. So much of her body was bruised and scratched.
“I lost the baby,” she whispered. Her voice was small, though it wavered.
“I know.”
“I couldn’t protect my baby from him, David. That’s what I promised myself. I promised I’d always protect them from him, and I couldn’t protect my baby.”
“You did everything you could.”
“No, I didn’t. I didn’t leave him when I should have. I should have left a long time ago. I never should have married him.”
“You can’t do this, Mia. You can’t beat yourself up. You did everything you thought you was right.”
“I was so sick that night. I couldn’t stop throwing up. My stomach hurt so much that I had trouble sitting up. There was no way I could have driven. I wouldn’t have let him behind the wheel if I knew he was drunk. He seemed sober.” A tear slid down over her temple. “He seemed fine. Maybe I was too sick to notice. I let him drive. The last thing I remember was the tree coming at us and thinking this was it. I was going to die. I was going to die and my babies would lose their mother. I never thought I’d lose my baby.”
She sniffled and cringed with pain. “They won’t tell me about Gia.” She finally turned to look at me. She had a bruise on her forehead and a black eye. It looked as though she’d gone a round in a boxing ring, not a car accident. “Did I lose both my babies, David?”
Part of me was pissed that the doctors hadn’t told Mia about Gia, but the larger part of me was relieved. The news needed to be broken to her softly, and she had to focus on her recovery. She needed to get better for when Gia woke up. I moved to the side of her bed and took a seat next to her hip. I kept her hand in my lap, holding it tenderly so as not to hurt it.
“The news is bad.” Panic caused her voice to crack and her eyes to widen.
“Take a breath, she’s alive.” She closed her eyes and let out a slow breath as though she’d been holding it for a long time. More tears leaked from her eyes. When I thought she was ready, I told her the rest. “She wasn’t secured in her car seat properly, so she was flung around the interior of the car. She hit her head pretty badly.”
“But she’s alive.” Mia opened her eyes and peered at me. “She’s alive. When can I see her?”
I wasn’t sure how to tell her the rest. The relief in her eyes was killing me. I didn’t want to crush it, but I couldn’t let her operate under false assumptions. “Mia . . . she’s unconscious.”
Her chin wobbled. “Unconscious?”
“Yes. Her scans look good and the doctors have hope, but they aren’t sure what’s going to happen. It’s up to Gia.”
“My baby girl is unconscious and I’ve been lying in this bed, sleeping? I should be by her side.”
“You need to rest and recover so you can be there for her when she wakes up.”
“I feel like I’ve been gutted, David. Physically and emotionally, I feel like I’m collapsing. I don’t know how to recover from this. It’s too much.”
“We’ll get through it.”
“I think I need some time alone.” She pulled her hand from mine and turned her face away from me.
“I’ll be back a little later.” I stood and walked out of the room. As soon as I was in the hall, I pressed my back against the wall and buried my face in my hands. There was no easy way to deal with all of this. I felt as though I was being crushed under the weight of the guilt and grief. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how Mia felt.
I wasn’t sure how I’d make it through.
Roxie
I SPENT A lot of my time at the hospital. Now that Mia was awake and discharged from the hospital, I was taking her to visit Gia. David was there all the time, so that was when I saw him. Our entire lives revolved around that room. We ate meals there, our conversations danced around the little girl in the bed, and David slept there. Mia had to limit how long she was in the hospital while she recovered from surgery, so she only stayed for a few hours at a time. When she wasn’t at the hospital, she was at David’s.
I felt horribly uncomfortable. David and I hadn’t been together as a couple very long and Mia and I weren’t very close friends, but I was still there. I was there while the doctors talked to Mia and David. I was there when Mia sobbed. I was there when David seemed to struggle to hold it together. I didn’t want to overstep my bounds, but I wanted to be there for both of them. It was a terrible situation to be in. It was a horrific tragedy.
Nothing about this was easy.
David was distant. He hugged Mia frequently, held her while she cried, but he didn’t come close to me. I understood that he was grieving, but it was difficult to know what to do. Sometimes I felt I wasn’t wanted, as though I should leave, but when I tried to give them space, Mia begged me to stay.
It was an awful feeling to be wanted by your friend but not your
boyfriend.
I wasn’t sure if it was because David didn’t want me there or because he didn’t know how to handle it all. Mia was still incredibly weak and was overwhelmed easily. She needed a wheelchair to and from the hospital room. It seemed the closer she got to Gia’s room, the more her energy was drained from her.
I was stuck. Mia needed me here; David seemed to want me to leave.
Today I needed a break from the constant grief so I was working. I cared about Mia and I liked Gia, but I wasn’t family. I was the girlfriend, an intruder.
I sat in my office, organizing the paperwork for a new listing I just posted. The couple selling the house probably thought I was completely stupid because I kept having to repeat myself. I couldn’t keep my mind on what I was doing, though. Mentally, I was stuck in that hospital room.
My phone rang. When I saw it was Harper, I answered.
“Hey. How are you holding up?” Harper asked.
“I’m okay. It’s just really hard right now.”
“Has David called you?”
I slipped a paperclip onto a sheaf of documents. “Yeah. He let me know he was taking Mia to the hospital and that I didn’t need to be there.”
“Did he say anything else?”
“No.”
“Do you think he wants you there?”
“Honestly, I have no idea what David wants. One second, he seems to find me annoying. The next, he seems to realize I’m alive.” I sighed. “It’s really weird. After he told me that he was picking Mia up, he just sat on the phone. It was like he wanted me to be there, but he didn’t know how to ask. Maybe he just wanted to listen to me breathe. I have no fucking idea.” I rubbed my hand over my face.
“It’s not easy for any of you. I can only imagine how hard this is for David. He’s really close to Mia and Gia. How’s he handling the fact that Brock has completely checked out?”
“It’s best not to talk about Brock in front of David.”
“That bad?”
“Yeah. Mia said she wanted a divorce and he said that while he supported that, she should wait until she’s in a better place to file the paperwork.”
“No shit.”
“He’s worried that the lawyers will think she’s incapacitated on the pain medicine.”
“Do you think that’s impacting her decision?”
“Not even a little bit. What he did to her children is what caused her to make the decision.”
There was a shuffling over the line as though Harper switched the phone to her other ear. “This isn’t an easy situation.”
I rested my forehead on my palm “That’s pretty much all I can think about. How can I be there for them? I’m not a family member. I’m not a close friend. I’m a girlfriend. Even at that, I’m a girlfriend of months, not years. Months.”
“That doesn’t mean you aren’t important, Rox.”
“No, it makes me replaceable.”
“No one could ever replace you.”
“I’m scared, Harper. I’m scared because I feel a lot for David and I’m not sure we can make it through this.”
“Don’t think that way. Just keep doing what you can and I’m sure things will work themselves out.”
“I guess.”
“I’m here for you, whatever you need.”
“Thanks. I have to get back to work. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Of course.”
We hung up and I rotated my chair. I had a small window that looked out over the main road. I stared through it as the cars drove by. I wondered how many of them were dealing with tragedies.
A text message drew me from my dismal thoughts. I swung back to my desk and picked my phone. David’s number was there and my stomach jumped.
David: When you get a chance, can you come to the hospital?
Roxie: Is everything okay?
David: Mia needs to go home and rest and I’d like to go home for a little bit too. I don’t want to leave Gia alone.
Roxie: I need a little time to finish up here. I’ll be there soon.
No reply, though that shouldn’t surprise me.
I SAT IN the hospital room, scrolling through my phone as I sat with Gia. It was impossible to be in this room without the grief threatening to swallow me whole. I’d been here for two hours and I was going out of my mind.
I heard footsteps as David came back into the room. He’d been gone for a few hours and from the circles under his eyes, it was clear he hadn’t gotten much rest. He fell into the chair beside me. “Thank you for being here,” he said.
“I’m glad I could be helpful.” I smiled. David leaned forward and buried his face in his hands. I started to reach out to touch him, but pulled my hand back. I wasn’t sure it would be welcome. “I’m sorry this is so tough on you.”
David seemed to age with each passing day. His eyes had constant bags under them and they always seemed to be red-rimmed. His mouth wore a permanent frown, and even his body sagged in defeat and exhaustion. His face was covered in stubble, though it was beginning to cross into beard territory.
“I just wish there was something I could do. I wish there was a way to wake her up.”
My eyes strayed to little Gia, tethered to the bed with so many tubes and wires. “I know. It’s hard to see her this way.”
“I hate feeling powerless.”
“You’re doing everything you can.”
“It’s bullshit. That’s what I’m doing: bullshit. I’m sitting here and thinking of all the ways I wish I could help her. I think of all the things we could be doing right now if only she’d wake up.”
“Before you know it, she’ll be awake and you’ll be able to do all of those things.”
“Nothing will ever be the same. The worry will always be there in the back of our minds. Every headache, every cold, we’ll worry. What if it’s taking her from us?”
With my heart in my throat I rested my hand on David’s arm. “You can’t think that way.”
“I can’t stop thinking of all the things I should have done differently.” His eyes cut to me. “I keep thinking if I’d been home that night, they wouldn’t have had to get in that car. If I’d cancelled the trip, they’d be safe. Mia would be pregnant, Gia would be raising hell. We’d all be happy.”
“You can’t keep thinking of the what ifs. It’ll kill you.”
“I’m already being eaten alive.”
Silence stretched between us as the ventilator and heart rate monitor beeped. They seemed to fade into the background now. My heart broke for David. It was shattered into little pieces, fractured and breaking down more by the second. I saw the amount of pain that he carried and the guilt he shouldered. I couldn’t help but feel responsible, too. If he hadn’t wanted to spend time with me in New York, he would have been here to help them.
He could have saved them instead of having to be here to pick up the pieces.
“I should probably go.” I wanted him to tell me to stay, that he needed me with him, that I made him feel stronger. Instead, he merely glanced at me and nodded. I grabbed my purse and left. Tears stung my eyes as I walked away.
Everything was falling apart around me and I had no idea how to make it stop.
TIME MOVED ON. Instead of time healing these wounds, they seemed to be festering and becoming worse. After three months, Gia still wasn’t awake. Hope faded slowly. The hope that she’d awaken drifted away, though no one spoke of it. Sadness and grief clung to Mia and David like a cloak. There was nothing to do but wait and see.
It was beyond painful.
“Roxie.” Mia came down the stairs, and crawled onto the couch next to me where I held her against my side. This had become our ritual lately. I held her together somehow. She’d healed physically and was becoming more independent, but hadn’t moved out of David’s yet because she couldn’t face going back to her house. There were too many memories and ghosts filling it.
David wanted her to stay with him. He didn’t want her completely alone, so she agreed to st
ay. She’d become a surrogate sister to me. I saw her more than I did my own sister, at least now with everything falling to pieces around us. “Thanks for being here.”
“Anytime, you know that. I’m here for you.” She’d called me earlier and asked me to come over. She was getting ready to visit Gia and it was harder today. Some days she handled it well, but other days she broke down frequently.
“Brock sent the divorce papers back.” She sniffled. “I’m not sad about divorcing him, but it’s the end, you know? We created two kids together and now he’s ready to move on.”
I ran my hand down her back and bit my tongue. Mia wasn’t in love with Brock anymore, but she clung to the past, where her life wasn’t a tragedy. He didn’t fight for her, and he wasn’t fighting for Gia. That was harder for Mia to handle than anything. She thought for sure he’d want to see the daughter he left unconscious, but he was done with her and their child. “It’ll be okay. Gia will wake up and you guys will be able to move on without Brock. It’ll be better for everyone involved.”
“It will be. But the marriage has to hang over my head for a year. Stupid laws. I just want him out of my life, but he’s stuck here. I have to keep thinking about him and how awful he is and how he abandoned his baby girl.” Her voice caught on a sob.
“It’s okay. You have me and David.” She nodded her head against my chest. I had something I needed to talk to David about, but there was no way I could leave Mia like this. Not with her silently holding herself together and her body trembling with tears. I closed my eyes and held her. It was some time later when David’s footsteps drew my attention away from Mia.
He looked the same as always. His hair was disheveled, but styled to appear that way. His lean body was dressed perfectly in a black shirt and jeans that hugged his hips. His arms were crossed over his chest, and his lips pressed into a firm line.
I could never tell what type of day it would be with David. He was the definition of a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes, it felt as though he didn’t want me anywhere around him. Other times he held me close and told me he couldn’t make it through all of this without me. When he was an asshole, I wanted to walk away. Then he’d flip the switch and be closer to the man I fell for, and I wanted to cling to him. I wanted to make all his hurt go away.
