Iain happy to see me. Maybe he feel relief? I turn up and am not scamming it, as Mrs Eva say. He lead me into different room and sit me down. I like British Queen on his stamp. Prince Charles take my photograph, all big ears and greying hair. I laugh without meaning to.
He start taking picture. His camera is new, still posh. “Oh, that’s lovely!”
At Forwood, factory photographer say smiling not allowed. He tell me to have “face without expression”. With Prince Iain, it impossible not to smile. So much my face has to say that words cannot. Ten years I live without my daughters and nearly I am seeing them – that one hell of a lot to smile about.
Iain say “lovely” again. I like that word. I like the way he say it. Luv-lee, through his nose. Feel like long time since I hear such nice word said in such nice way. Last person to speak like that is Yifan. Iain ask me a question about him like he hearing my thought.
He say, “Your fiancé is going to love these pictures. What’s his name?”
More scamming. Secretly I wish my story is the truth. Yifan, my fake fiancé. “Yifan? Ah yes, he’s a doctor.” My mouth is excited by the lie and won’t stop. “We meet at university. He work in a very large hospital in China.”
Iain, he concentrate on my photo. “Ooh, clever chap then. And no talking for a second now, that’s it. Luv-lee.”
Iain he take hundreds of photo of my girls in ten years. Even in The Bluewater Hotel – one second after they are given him and Nancy – Iain snap-snap-snapping. You see, my mind it still in China even when body move to England; it not really matter if I wear British dress from the ASDA.
The past, my past, my girls’ past – that not something that can be deleted like bad photo on digital camera.
Next we try a different sort of picture. A ‘missing my fiancé’ picture. Iain, he take away chair. He say, “Act natural.” Impossible! He gets me a flower – a white rose – and asks me to smell it. We stand by open window. Summer light it flood in. Outside church bells are ringing. Shame photo have no sound. If Yifan could see me now! I so glad, at last, standing by this window. Truthful smile appear.
After he finish taking photos, we talk. Chance I am waiting for. I rehearse a thousand times, same way I rehearse Schnelleck. This time, nothing go wrong. I make promise to myself.
I say, “Excuse me, Iain, but can I leave some of my business cards in your shop?” I hold one out for him to see. It say:
May Guo, Chinese Teacher
All ages. GCSE level and beyond.
Competitive Rates.
I not include Mrs Eva’s address on card because then everyone would be knowing I live in ungreat part of Greater Manchester.
Iain take one, he look at it carefully. He like me and feel sorry for me, I can tell. It not easy running a business. Not easy loving fiancé in China. I know this what he think.
“Usually I’d say no …” He hesitate like he making some big political decision. “But why not? You can leave them on the desk, where people will see.”
“You have customers who wanting learn Chinese?”
“Yes, as it happens.”
“Oh, really?” I act surprised.
“I have a daughter. She’s desperate to learn Mandarin.”
Only one? Where my other daughter? I almost blurt out.
“Her name’s Jennifer, she’s ten.”
“Ten … Good age for learning. You take this card and ask Jennifer and then you ring me on this number. I come to your house for lesson … Rates very competitive, Mr Milne.”
He smiling again. What he thinking? That I am good little Chinese business woman? He not thinking I his daughters’ good little Chinese mother … But what’s all this crap about only one daughter, where’s my other girl? I know they both living with Iain and Nancy. I see them leave Bluewater Hotel with my own eyes.
“Listen, May, I’ll call you when the portrait’s ready, you can come and collect it and we can talk more about the lessons then.”
“Thank you,” I say. “That’s very kind; I look forward to seeing photo.”
After this I pay huge sum of £100 and leave the ‘Fleeting Moment’. A breeze blow at the hem of ASDA dress. I am flying with happiness. My plan, it work.
A week later and phone ring. It Iain.
“Hello, May, your portrait’s ready.”
I say, “That very good news. What about Jennifer’s lesson?”
Line, it go quiet.
“Um, actually May, we’ve decided not to go ahead with any lessons at the moment. I talked it through with my wife, Nancy, and she felt it was too soon. Jennifer has been quite unsettled at school lately and we … Well, like I say, it’s a little premature. But we’ll keep your card and perhaps in a year or so … I’m happy for the cards to stay in my shop.”
So many words, what this shit he telling me?
“May, are you still there?”
“Jennifer not want lesson?”
“Not at the moment, I’m sorry to get your hopes up.”
“I come collect photograph.” My heart so swollen it on the floor. I not waiting another whole year until they decide time right for daughter to be learning Chinese. Has to be now!
“Goodbye Mr Milne.” I drop phone like it a snake in my hand.
Room feel so lonely all of sudden that I want to scream just to hear some noise. I not sure if I make a sound? I’m on my bed, thumping pillow.
Where my daughters?
Where my daughters?
Where my daughters?
Where my daughters?
I wake up with face like wet sponge. Mouth dry. Heart lumpy. I take little wooden figurine out of wardrobe where I keep all my old Chinese belongings, it all what’s left of past. Childish to talk to a doll, I know, but I not feeling like sensible adult. Mr Nie tell me not to give up; he want Mrs Nie. I promise to try again with different plan. Why my life never going way I want it to?
Portrait of me is bigger than I expect! And surprise beautiful. Iain some kind of magician.
“Well, what do you think?”
We sit in reception. Photograph on his walls are like audience to my performance.
“I like it. You done very good job, Mr Milne.”
“I must admit, I was pleased with it. The light was just right by the window.”
He must know his camera like an old friend. My Chinese face, it look gentle on picture. My skin is silky like chang-p’ao. Nothing like Worker 2204, Electronic Circuitry. It is portrait of a young woman, alive and kicking. I feel pride to survive all way to England in secret.
“Would you mind if I do a re-print for display?” Iain points at other photo. I even beautiful enough for his walls – for his posh Altrincham customers! This shock me, seriously.
“It would be an honour.” Perhaps, with my face stuck on a wall, daughters they have more chance of seeing portrait than real face, I think, miserable.
That very same second door open and in walk Nancy with my twins. It like some big God he hear my thought and decide to lend a hand. I not ready. Not knowing what to do: laugh, cry, be serious?
“Nancy, is everything alright?” Iain say.
She has hurricane face. Her arms they heavy with bags from Sainsbury’s supermarket. She look at me like I might try sell her Big Issue. I smile polite. It feel like fast river runs between us and we stand either side – but whether she feel this, I doubt.
“Sorry to interrupt,” she say, not recognising me. “Jennifer, Ricki, go play with the toys while I talk to Daddy.”
I repeat their names in my head. Jennifer. Ricki. What kind of names these are?
What they mean?
Nancy angry about her bank card not working. She sick and tired of shops.
Twins they start to squabble over toys. Next thing I know, I’m kneeling at coffee table for make jigsaw. Twins, they stop fighting and watch. Ricki’s frown melt. Jennifer, she pass me corner piece. Jigsaw is pony. Jennifer tell me she has pony called Lucy who she share with French girl, Sandrine. I am wondering
what French girl doing in Altrincham? I ask if Lucy is good at jumping. She tell me about winning silver medal in gymkhana. Jennifer she such a chatter box, she borrow Ricki share of word.
I see Ricki guard final piece of jigsaw under table. “You want to finish pony off?” I ask.
She shake her head. My stubborn baby, she always resist – sleep, food, nappy.
I say, “Poor pony can’t see without your piece.”
She shrug. I see a tide roaring inside my little girl and a piece missing from her also. She not understanding yet. The piece, she come find her.
“Who are you?” asks Jennifer.
“My name is May. Your Daddy take my picture. Look! What you think?” I show her the enormous portrait.
Jennifer tell me pretty. I want to kiss her forehead.
In the background, I hear Nancy explode in angry whisper. She not half as good as me at hiding feeling.
“Are you from China?” asks Jennifer.
“That’s right, how you know?”
“Your face is like mine.”
She not knowing how right she is – her skin from me, her nose, her eyes. I tell her China is where I grew up, but now I live in England. I wonder how much Nancy has told them about their past. It not easy for Nancy to invent story for telling a little girl who so full of question. Jennifer, she probably grow up to be police officer, she so nosy.
“Girls, put the jigsaw away now. We’re going.”
“Mummy, can’t we stay here. I want to stay and play with May.”
Nancy give me a look of question like she want to say, “Who the hell are you?” The look blow over. Perhaps she sense how amazing I am to see my babies again. Amazing and relief. Perhaps not?
“Mummy, you’ve made May cry,” say Jennifer.
Ricki so quiet I am wondering if she speak at all. She still holding tight to the final piece of puzzle under coffee table.
Nancy bend over me. “Excuse me, are you alright?”
I shake my head. Stupid woman, what she expect when I not see my daughters for ten years and suddenly I there making pony jigsaw in the ‘Fleeting Moment’.
Iain pass me another Kleenex. I am only customer in his shop to be using a whole box.
“Is it your fiancé?” he ask. “Just think how much he’ll appreciate seeing your face again.”
I storm into tissue. “It very hard not being with someone you love,” I say, “Sorry I fussy.”
“You have a fiancé?” ask Nancy.
The kids play some more; they not like seeing adult cry.
“He’s in China.” Iain tells Nancy my made-up story.
“Well that’s a long way away. You must miss him terribly. I’m from the States. I know how hard it is to be so far from your family. Listen, what are you doing next Saturday?”
My ears stand up like ears of mountain dog.
“Why don’t you come have lunch with us? Perhaps company might help?”
This is more than I can understand. Nancy, she invite me to her house?
Iain say, “Nancy, sweetheart, this is the lady I told you about – May, the teacher.”
“May. Oh, right. Of course. How silly of me not to realise. Would twelve o’ clock be okay, May?”
Iain he look confused.
Why Nancy change her mind so quick? First I not good enough for Jennifer, who is not ready to speak her own language and now … now it okay to have Chinese woman to lunch! Then I understand she see herself in me: missing home, missing America.
I say, “Twelve o’ clock is perfect. Thank you, thank you. You very kind.”
Nancy gathers up my daughters. I see Ricki put eyes in pony and complete jigsaw.
Sweet daughter.
I struggle home with my enormous portrait on bus. There is nowhere on the Stagecoach to put such strange object. I hold it to my chest. I hold it so tight because it so expensive. I feel like Ricki holding piece of jigsaw where she think no-one can see. I think of Grandmother and her jasmine bowls.
Never let you go.
Milne house it big. My feet go crunchcrunchcrunch towards front door. It twice as big as me in every direction and it painted postbox-red. I like letter arriving on mat.
“May, come on in. I’m so pleased you made it!” Nancy sing, opening the door.
Her hall is tidy. She also neat. “Let me take your coat. Goodness, aren’t you too hot in all those layers?”
There is hook waiting for my coat in shape of flying duck. My coat it sit on duck’s feet.
“Thank you, thank you.”
I give her the most expensive chocolate I find in the ASDA. Mrs Eva give me advice about what to buy. She surprised when I tell her about friend in Altrincham, about lunch. She jealous, I think, because she has TV for friend. No-one else.
“So, May, how are you doing?”
“Oh, a little better. Sorry.”
“No need to be sorry. I know it is tough living away from home.”
I follow her into a room full of big soft chairs, too expensive to sit on. I sip her tea but it hard to be relax. I wonder, where my daughters? I not like to ask in case she think I nosy little Chinese woman and throws me out her big red door.
“I hope you like soup. I’m afraid it’s not homemade.”
“Soup very nice.”
Nancy disappear into kitchen and I stick my nose where it isn’t wanted, as Mrs Eva say. The house is not a normal sort of tidy. It like no daughter live here ever. Where all their toys? Where the mess? Few animal books under glass coffee table. But there are more photograph than I ever see in all my life – above Nancy fire, side table, all over window sill. All my twins! So this where she keep them, locked up in photo frame. The pictures are so good they must belong to Iain.
My heart, it stop when I see photo from The Bluewater Hotel. Is really the same one? I stare at reception desk in background and yes, there is Kim looking stressed because she having big baby delivery from welfare. This is picture I take! I remember! Picture, it belong to me.
“So, which part of China are you from May?”
Nancy’s voice make me jump and I drop photo.
She rush over for fluffy carpet and pick it up; her question forgot.
“Sorry, very sorry, Mrs Milne.”
We both have relief it not broken. Mrs Eva tell me I ask seven years’ bad luck when I break hall mirror one day – but seven before they also not lucky for me. Only piece of luck I have is leaving China with fake passport.
Nancy start telling me about photo, her girls they adopted from China and this is moment they are ‘born’. She should see the night they really born! The yīshēng who try drowning; the blood, the syringe, running half-dead in rain, Yifan who save me … Birth at Bluewater Hotel no birth at all. But to Nancy I see it mean everything. She have face like wet stone washed over with memory and suddenly I feel different for her in heart.
“You not able to have children?” I ask.
“We tried. We tried everything. IVF just wasn’t working. I blame myself, even now, for leaving it too late. I put my career first. I was forty and I still couldn’t decide whether I wanted children … All that pain we could have saved ourselves, if only we’d tried sooner. But, I guess you can’t beat yourself up about the past. We might never have conceived, even if we’d started trying sooner.”
What she meaning ‘IVF’? I look it up later in Pocket Collins English Dictionary.
Nancy’s face it hard around her eyes, like she struggle to stay young. She look two times my age? I ask her if getting girls from China is hard. I admit, I not knowing much about adoption.
“Oh yes, a great struggle. We were questioned about every part of our lives. The social worker came to our home, checked our finances, our medical records, asked hundreds of questions about our marriage, our families, our friends, our past. They watched us, closely. We went on parenting courses. They wanted to make sure we would make good parents. Then we waited two years for all the paperwork to go through before we could go to China for our girls,�
� she say, holding the photograph like it the most precious day of her life.
“Long time for pregnancy.”
A smile warms her face. “Yes. I suppose it is.”
We talk more over soup she buy from the Covent Garden. It taste of carrot and something else; not including noodles, but it quite nice. I try not to slurp like a peasant in Milne’s ever-so-tidy house. We sit on stools like we in a bar, but with no liquor for taking away nerve. Nancy ask me all sort of question. I never speak so much English in all my life. She want to know if I have family, what job I do in China and about my fiancé, Yifan. I take short answer because it hard keeping up so many lies. Tongue, it tired quick.
“Our daughters are from Nanchang,” she say.
“Really?”
“Yes, do you know the city?”
“No.”
I ask more about Jennifer and Ricki. I want know what happen after they leave China, what kind of little girls they are.
“They can be quite a handful at times, but they’re good girls really. Jennifer is very bright, but is going through a phase of being very independent and stubborn. Ricki tends to be quieter, more like her dad – artistic.”
It strange to hear her say ‘dad’ and mean Iain when I know it Manager He’s blood that pump in daughters’ veins. Honest, I prefer think of Iain as Dad. He gentle. He also very good portrait photographer. Manager He shit manager.
“They like school? Good grades? Education very important Mrs Milne.”
“Jen likes school more than Ricki. She got moved up a year because she was ahead of her classmates. Ricki misses her. I’m not sure it was such a good idea to separate them.”
It good Nancy care. Better still if my twins they stay together. That what I always wanting. For them never to part. Not like me who leave. I want them to be family: two parent, two sister. That not possible in China. In England everything possible. Now I here, I wonder if it possible have three parent?
The Secret Mother Page 30
