by Aria Ford
I swore, loudly and colorfully. It felt good. In some ways, this whole mess felt familiar and normal to me. My old life had been crazy, dangerous and unstable, so why not just stick with that?
“Jared?”
“Yes?” I called miserably.
“The fence needs mending. Got a hole like a mortar-blast in it and we need to patch it. Whole herd could get through now.”
“Oh.” I swore again, but this was a more productive, positive sort of swearing. I ran to join the others.
“Jared! Great. Let's get going. We'll get it done faster with four.” Jeff looked relieved. His sleeves were already rolled up and he was heading the group out toward the field.
“Uh huh.”
As we all worked together on the fence I realized that I would really miss the camaraderie if I had to leave. That was a word I'd recently learned: camaraderie. It described the way we worked at the farm just perfectly. All in harmony. So totally different to anything I'd known.
“Jared?” Cody called.
“What?” I jumped.
I almost hit my finger with the hammer and swore in frustration.
“Heck! Sorry, man. Just wanting to ask if you could hold this for me?”
I sighed resolutely. “Fine. Just next time don't make me die of fright. Okay?”
He laughed. “Fine.”
I went over to hold the planks together for Cody to work on.
“You're not going to have to leave us,” he said
I snorted. “No. I might do it anyway, though.”
He looked hurt but said nothing. I sighed. I hadn't been threatening.
I might as well leave now before I got thrown out. It wasn't like I had anything in my life worth living for, now was it?
I didn't have Darby anymore.
Strange how now that I'd lost her, nothing really mattered to me anymore. She had been in my life only four days, but she was the first girl I'd ever fallen for. The only girl who had my heart. And she didn't even know, or care, about that.
Thinking of Darby made me think, suddenly, of her brother. Would Alex help me again?
I did have his old number – he'd given it to me the day he sent me to Matt's – the day he changed my life. Maybe he would help me out. Put in a word for me, explain my story. Matt had been very careful about not telling Haddon too much about my past, I knew. So maybe it was time he found out. But he wouldn't be finding out from the guy I nearly killed. Or from me. My lips were sealed about it.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Darby
It was weekend. I got back from the hike my brother had recommended late on Saturday.
I showered and went to the kitchen to make coffee. I felt awful.
The more I try and forget, the harder it gets. I wasn't expecting my thoughts about Jared to last for this long. His blue eyes with their sweet hesitance were haunting me. And, stupidly, I also missed Wyoming.
I feel claustrophobic here, with these buildings, the immediacy, the crowds.
I was sitting having a cup of coffee, looking out over the skyline, when the phone rang. I grabbed it. A distraction from my own nostalgic thoughts was just what I needed right now.
“Hey?”
“Alex?” I asked, recognizing the voice.
“I need to talk.”
“Oh? What's happening?”
“I... had a call yesterday. From Jared. Remember him?”
“Jared?” I yelled the name without realizing I did it. “Sorry,” I said quickly. “I mean, yeah. I remember him. He called you?”
I felt a mix of excitement and apprehension. What had he said to my brother, for crying out loud? And why had he called him?
“Yes. Now, Darby, you know his history, right?”
“Yes,” I said crossly. If this was going to be a lecture, he could stop it right now. I had no intention of discussing my life-choices with him. I'd made up my mind.
“Okay, no need to shout at me about it,” he said, wounded. “The thing is, he's in trouble.”
“Trouble.”
“Well, kind of legal trouble. I needed to ask you something.”
“Legal trouble?” I asked, voice tight with tension. “What do you mean, legal trouble? Is he in prison?”
Alex laughed. “No. Nothing like that. He's... well... apparently he assaulted someone?”
I closed my eyes. I knew that and it was my fault he'd had to. “Yeah?”
If he goes to jail because of this I'll never forgive myself.
“Well, he's kind of in a bad place because apparently the guy he assaulted wants to bring him down. Not by hurting him, but by letting everyone around him know about his past. He could lose his job. I mean, I can talk to Haddon about it, but I'd like to know, legally, what you'd suggest.
“Oh. Great,” I said.
That was all I needed. My life was turned upside-down by falling for the guy, and now I was meant to be objective? Treat him like a client? I'd try.
“Darby, why are you being so weird about this? Listen...”
“I'm not weird,” I said quickly. “What?” I asked when he paused. I realized I'd interrupted him and instantly felt bad about it.
He sighed. “You know, you don't understand, do you?”
“Understand what?” I asked. I was fairly sure he didn't understand what my issue was. But what was I missing?
“When I was at high-school in LA, I had a best friend. He was an amazing guy. He had a hard life. When he...” he paused and I heard him swallow hard. “When he started drinking, I should have helped him. But I didn't. He died.”
“Oh, my...” I covered my mouth with my hand. “He did?”
“Car accident.” His voice was tight. “I never forgave myself.”
“Alex...” I sighed.
“No. I know it wasn't my fault. But still...I always wondered. If Chett had trusted me, would he still be alive? I dunno.”
“Alex, don't blame yourself...”
“I don't blame myself – not really. I just – I regret it. I regret so much not doing more. So when...” he paused. “When I met Jared, it was like Chett was there. My second chance to help him. I needed to do it. So I did.”
I nodded. My own throat was tight with held tears. My poor brother. He'd faced that all on his own! Nobody else knew he carried guilt. He should have told someone. We would have helped!
“Thank you for telling me,” I said. My voice came out so soft that I didn't know if he heard me, but I heard him clear his throat.
“Thank you, Darby. I never told anyone about this except you. Not Mom...no-one knows.”
I sighed. “Well, I understand now,” I said. “I understand why helping Jared was important to you. Why you couldn't tell me. And of course I'll try help now. But....”
I paused. What to say? What would Alex think if I told him about how I felt for Jared? His own reason for helping the guy was great, but I still had a feeling he probably wouldn't approve of the aforementioned guy having a relationship with his sister.
“But what, Darby?”
“Nothing,” I said quickly. “Now. We need to know about the assault. Have charges been pressed against him?”
“He didn't say so.”
“Whew. That's great. And so what we're looking at is straightforward blackmail.”
He laughed. “If there's such a thing as “straightforward” in blackmail, yeah.”
I sighed. “You know what I mean,” I said tiredly. “So. If I were him, what I would do is...”
As I made a plan for him – the best thing I could think of was for him to confess to his employer and cite the fact that he had, as far as we knew, no discernible criminal record – I fought for neutrality.
In my heart, I was worried. I wanted to help. To go down there and make sure he was okay.
“Heck,” Alex whistled as I finished. “That's good, Darbs.”
I chuckled a little sadly. “It's what I do, Alex.”
I could hear he was smiling when he replied. “I know. I'm
still really impressed, though.”
I laughed. “Thanks, Alex.”
“Don't mention it. Now, how was the hike?”
I chuckled. “Okay...not great, but okay.”
“Well, that sounds, well, okay.”
We both laughed. We chatted for a while and I tried to keep it light and upbeat. It was hard.
When I hung up I felt completely drained.
“Jared, what have you done?”
I sighed. I wanted to cry. He had defended me and now look at what he'd gotten himself into! He could end up ruining his life.
What could I do?
I sighed. There was only one thing I could do.
I reached for my phone and called him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Jared
I heard the phone ring. It was Saturday evening, round six o' clock. I had just got back in from work and I felt ratty and tired. I guessed that was either Cody, checking on me, or the repair guys. I didn't feel like hearing from either of them.
“Hello?” I sighed.
“Hello?”
I almost dropped the phone. “Darby?” My heart thumped painfully, hearing her voice. It was her!
“Jared. Hi. I just...” she paused. “You're okay, right?”
“No,” I said. “I'm not. But why do you ask? You didn't even call me!”
I heard her sigh. “Jared. Listen. I...”
“You wanted to forget I existed, right?” I asked. All the anger was suddenly there, welling up inside me. Wanting to come out. It felt as if she was the one face of all the people who had walked past me when I was on the street, ignored me, treated me like a bad smell.
“Jared, no! I...”
“It's what it looked like. Why else did you just ignore me? I don't blame you,” I added, feeling my temper give way to sorrow. “I'm such a mess.”
“Jared, you aren't! Listen!”
Dammit, now she sounded mad at me. I shook my head. “I don't want to listen. Do you have any idea what kind of trouble I'm in now?”
“Yes, I do,” she said crisply. “I am fully aware you may be facing some job issues. That's why I called you.”
“Why you called... Darby? How do you know that?” I felt as if I'd just been punched.
And I felt betrayed. What had Alex done that to me for? I knew she was his sister and he had every right to tell her anything he wanted to, but...
“I know because I'm a lawyer,” she snapped.
“Oh.” That hurt even more. “So you don't care a damn about me, but you're willing to reach out with professional assistance? That it?”
“Jared, stop being childish,” she snarled. “I can help you if you just listen to me.”
I felt like someone threw water over me. In shock. “I...”
“Well, for a start, you can stop feeling sorry for yourself,” she continued, remorseless. “There's nothing wrong with you. You're a decent guy with a decent job, starting again. So you can take all this, “oh, I'm so shameful” stuff and throw it out.”
“Yes, ma'am.”
I wanted to smile. I suddenly recalled absolutely what had drawn me to her. She was soft and gentle but she had a temper like a volcano.
“And you can quit the ma'am stuff too,” she said. “This is serious. Now. You have to have a chat with your boss. Take him aside, in private, and tell him the whole story. About how you defended me. I'll write a signed testimony as a witness if you need it.”
I almost dropped the phone again. “You would? Darby! I...”
I felt like the sun had come out in me. She would do that for me? That would change everything! That was one of the kindest things anyone had ever done for me. Besides Alex. I cleared my throat to try and thank her but she started again.
“I'd do that for anyone. Now, the next thing you should do is get your employee to give you a reference. Just in case you need it, ever. You should have had one already...”
I whistled. “Hell, Darby. You're blasting me out here.”
“Yes, I am,” she said briskly. “In my professional opinion, you...”
“Darby, please,” I protested. “Why are you doing this? Is it just because you're a lawyer, or...”
I knew it sounded ridiculous, but I had to know. Just hearing her voice again was doing the weirdest things to my body. I needed to know if she actually felt for me or if she was just being kind.
“I don't need to answer that,” she snapped. “Stop asking me questions like that. I'm not going there.”
The answer hit me like a slap in the face.
“Fine,” I said.
Before I had even thought about what I was doing, I put the phone down.
“Jared!” I swore at myself in immediate regret, “Why'd you do that?”
I wasn't sure if I dared to call back, but I did anyway. After a while, I just put my phone aside and went through to the kitchen.
I had a second chance. I blew it. Just like with my work, just like with my life.
Impulsively, I grabbed my coat and stormed out of the house. I was heading to the local pub. I had decided. I was going to throw all of that in. Life had handed me a great job and a beautiful girl who, if nothing else, cared enough to offer me professional advice and help me out. I was so stupid and so blind that I had just thrown them both away.
I sat down at the bar.
“A brandy and coke.”
The barman didn't even blink, just handed it over. I drank with a bitter taste in my mouth. I hated doing this, but at the same time it was a familiar dark place. I knew it well. Why not go back to it?
An hour later, I walked home, almost unable to stand. I collapsed on my bed. I wished I hadn't done that. My head ached and I felt ashamed. Now I had broken my last and biggest promise to myself.
I might as well fall all the way down the slope now. I'd been pushing for it all my early life, after all...why stop now when, clearly, I was never any better than that, all along?
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Darby
“Jared?”
It was Sunday morning and I was sitting on the couch opposite the big window with the skyline view. I hadn't slept that night – or barely. After Jared put the phone down I'd tried to call back, but I hadn't got through. I dragged myself out of bed and put on the kettle for coffee and called.
“Jared?”
I heard a voice on the other side of the phone. It was a cool, empty voice. “Hi?”
“Jared! Oh, thank Heavens. Are you okay? What the...” He sounded barely-alive.
“Listen, Darby,” he murmured. “I... I don't feel too great now. Okay?”
“Jared!” I felt afraid for him suddenly. What had happened. “Are you alright?”
He laughed. That made me feel a bit better. At least he could still laugh! “Listen, Darby, I feel really sick. I... thank you,” he murmured.
I laughed, then. “Jared! Why are you thanking me? I'm worried about you.”
“Thank you for calling back,” he said. He sounded sorrowful. I shook my head.
“I'm just worried about you,” I said. “If you're not feeling any better, for Pete's sake go to the doctor or something. It could be from the fight...”
I was concerned. I was sure I'd heard something about head injuries that suddenly started to get sore...
“Darby, I really like how concerned you are,” he said gently. “But really, I'm fine.”
I sighed. “Okay. If you're sure...”
He chuckled. “I'm sure. I know what's wrong with me. Just you stay safe, okay?”
I let out a long, slow breath. “Oh, Jared.”
I had forgotten how much he cared about me. It was one of the things I really valued. Alan hadn't given a damn about me, as far as I knew: sometimes I thought all he wanted was a girlfriend his snobby family would approve of. As it was, they barely approved of me – or at least he said that often.
