by Ward, H. M.
“I don’t know. They didn’t say anything except that Mom sent them.”
He nods slowly, tending to my other hand. “Do you want to go home?”
I look down at him as if that was the stupidest thing he could have asked. “No, I don’t.”
“Even if it was just your brother?”
I stiffen. “My brother thinks I like rough sex and that I was asking for it. He doesn’t think that Dean hurt me. He doesn’t believe that his friend used me.” My jaw locks. I’m defensive and I don’t know why. I feel like Peter is saying what Dean said. I can’t handle it. “Is that what you think? You think that I liked it, that I wanted it?” My arms are so tense that they jerk out of Peter’s grip. I stand up and walk down the hall, not knowing where I’m going. I want to scream.
Peter’s behind me. His voice is soft, soothing “I know that isn’t true, Sidney. I know. I wish I could change it. I wish I could take away some of your pain. Sometimes, family helps, that’s all. I wanted to make sure you weren’t throwing away your hand to spite your arm.”
I glare at him. “Fuck you.” My entire body is shaking with rage. “You think I don’t know how I feel about this? You think that I haven’t laid there every night since it happened wondering if I did this to myself? If all that shit he said was true? I thought it was. For a long time, I thought I did it, that I led him on. That’s why it kept happening and every time was worse than the last. I let him rape, cut, and burn me. I let him do it over and over again. My parents loved him. They didn’t defend me. My brother didn’t even believe me, so don’t pretend that you know a damn thing about it because you don’t. You have no fucking clue!”
I’m screaming. My hands are clenching into balls at my sides and I can’t stop. I want to stop. I don’t want things to be like this, but my mouth keeps going. Peter’s eyes fall to the floor. He can’t even look at me. I try so hard to stop shaking. My muscles are so tense, so tight. I have to control this. I have to hold myself together, but I can’t. I feel the patches unraveling. I feel the weight of my pain tearing me apart. My bottom lip quivers. I bite it, but it doesn’t stop. A sob bubbles up my throat. I turn away from Peter. I can’t stand this. I can’t stand that he sees this version of me. That’s why I said no. That’s why I turned him away. No matter what I do, this part of me will always be there. I bury my face in my hands and push the tears away.
Peter walks up behind me. His hand touches my shoulder gently. He turns me toward him as he speaks. “I don’t know what you’ve been through. I don’t have a clue. I don’t understand. I can’t even pretend to…”
I stare at his chest, at his bloody shirt. My hand reaches for him before I realize what I’m doing. It laces around his waist and I lean into his chest. Peter’s arms fold around me. He holds me and lets me cry. He lets me mourn everything I’ve lost without making offers to fix something that he can’t. Peter lets me weep a river of tears and holds me close.
Eventually, I notice his heartbeat. I listen to it thumping in his chest. It stills me, steadies me. I press my lips together too many times before asking, “Can I stay here tonight?” I’m afraid he’ll say no. I’m afraid I’ve ruined everything and that he doesn’t want me here anymore.
When he speaks, his voice is soft. “Of course.” His hand strokes the back of my head. Peter holds me until I let go. Then, he gives me towels and turns on the shower. He lays an oversized tee shirt on the bathroom counter. “I don’t really have any women’s clothes, but that should be good enough for tonight.”
I nod and he leaves me alone.
CHAPTER 25
The scent of Peter fills my head as I lay in his bed. The room is warm and quiet. Peter’s arms are around me and he’s asleep. His gentle, slow, breathing makes me feel safe. It keeps away the horrors that happened tonight. They’re fighting for me to replay the memories over and over again, which is why I don’t sleep. I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to remember.
I’m on my back. Peter’s arm is draped across my stomach. I’m so tired. I watch him breathe, watch his chest rise and fall. Peter came to bed with a pair of pajama pants and no shirt. My eyes trace his muscles lazily. I wonder what it must be like for him, to be down here alone, and then run into a train wreck like me.
He’s too good to me, too kind. Peter gave me his love and I threw it back in his face. He stirs and turns on his side. His hand drops to the bed between us. It makes his hips turn toward me. My eyes travel over his body, and rest on a jagged white scar at his waist. It’s nearly on his back, but not quite. Seeing it makes my stomach sink. Something happened to him. It’s not a surgical scar. It can’t be. The line looks more like a Jack-O-Lantern’s smile than anything else.
As I’m staring, Peter’s eyes open. His tired gaze meets mine. Peter blinks slowly. “Are you still up?”
“Yeah.” Now that he’s awake, I’m nervous. My life is such a mess that I feel as though there isn’t any room for him in it. But…
Peter holds open his arms and says, “Come here.” I do as he says. I scoot over to him and lay on his chest. Peter holds onto me. His body is so warm, so strong. I close my eyes and he strokes the back of my head. I moan without meaning too. He smiles. “You like that?”
“Mmmm,” I manage to reply. My mind tries to drift. Peter’s scent fills my head. My heart knows it’s where it needs to be, but my mind is at war with itself. It has a million reasons why we shouldn’t be together, a million more about how much I’ll hurt him. I mean, I’m lying with the man in his bed and have no desire to have sex. There’s nothing. No tingles, no anything.
“Stop thinking. Go to sleep.”
“What makes you think I’m—”
“Your only comment should be Mmmmm.” He rubs my head harder and I moan again. I giggle just a little. It sounds foreign to me, but not unwelcome. “That was cute. You can do that too.”
I mutter something, not thinking, and curl into him. Peter rubs my head until I drift off.
_____
When I open my eyes, I have no idea where I am. I dart upright, taking the sheet with me. Peter is next to me. He blinks himself awake. I turn and look at him. I woke him up. Again. What time is it? I glance around for a clock. “It’s after nine!” I’ve missed my morning class. I go to throw my legs over the side of the bed and get up, but Peter takes my hand.
“Stay with me.”
Nerves lace up my neck and choke me. It’s the same thing I asked him last night. I think about it, but my mind is screaming to run. I’ll ruin everything. It’s not fair, though. And last night meant so much to me. He took care of me, he protected me. If Peter hadn’t shown up, I’d be in Tennessee by now.
I smile at him. Peter smiles back.
“Okay.” I lay back down, but I feel nervous. I’m more aware of everything today, of his bed, of his cologne, of him. I try not to think about it. I try to stop the jitters that are working their way up my arms. I pull up the sheet, covering myself. “So, what do you want to do?”
Peter lifts a brow. “First, I want to tell you that I’m glad you aren’t hurt and that I think you should call the cops. But since I know you don’t want to, I think we should have some coffee.”
My face pales. Is he joking? I manage to choke out, “What?”
Peter looks at me funny, and then laughs. “No! Not like that. I mean real coffee, in real cups, and everything.” He’s still smiling. Reaching for me, Peter tucks a curl behind my ear. “What do you think?”
“It sounds good, as long as we’re being literal.” I smile, feeling shy. When I glance up at him my eyes fall on the scar by his waist.
Peter’s smile vanishes. “I forgot about that.” He rolls onto his back and covers his face with his hands and rubs. “You want to know what happened, right?”
“A little bit…”
He pushes onto his side and pulls up the sheet so I can’t see the marred skin. “I want to know some things about you.”
The way he says it makes me worried. But I wa
nt him to say whatever he’s thinking. “Go ahead and ask.”
“Last night you said something—that your ex cut you. I didn’t realize that.” Peter looks into my eyes. His fingers trail along my cheek as he speaks. “If you don’t want to talk about it—”
“There’s not much to say. He was twisted. He’d tie me up and tell me not to yell. That was the first time. It gave him a rush, I guess. I kind of thought it was fun at first. I didn’t know what he was going to do and it made my heart race faster. He used to kiss me, after he tied my hands, but then one day he didn’t. He changed things. He slid his knife down my hip and said that he’d cut me if I screamed.” My eyes dart to the side. I can’t look at Peter while I say it. “He took things further one day. His hand went down my pants while he hand the knife to my neck. It scared me. I made a sound and he…” I take a breath.
“You don’t have to tell me.”
“I haven’t told anyone, not really. My parents didn’t hear all of it.” I shrug. Nerves are swimming in my stomach. “Maybe telling someone will help me get over it.” Peter smiles at me, but it’s sad, like he knows what I mean. I finish the story. “He nicked me, here.” I point to my neck. There’s a scar that sits at the base of my throat, right by my collar bone.
I take a deep breath and ask, “Where’d the scar on your side come from?”
“A knife. It came from a knife.” Peter’s quiet for a moment. Then he starts telling me. “It’s from the night I proposed. I was down on one knee. Gina had her hands to her mouth, surprised, and smiling so big. She was looking at me, at the ring I held out. We were talking, saying things. She didn’t get to answer me…” His eyes glaze over while he speaks. I can almost see the memory in his eyes. “I felt a sharp pain in my side as the ring was grabbed out of my hand. Some guys had been watching us. They did it. The guy that stabbed me twisted the knife. That’s why it looks like that.”
I can’t breathe. There are tears in my eyes. “Oh, my God. Peter…”
We’re both quiet for a moment. Then Peter asks, “Want to keep going?” I don’t know why, but I nod. His eyes flick up to mine. “Are you afraid to have sex after everything that happened?”
My face flames red. My mouth opens and snaps shut again. “I want to say no. I want to say something, anything, else, but I can’t.” I look at him, wondering what I should say, if I should tell him how messed up I am. Dean broke me. I can’t imagine being normal anymore. Even when I was sitting with Peter the first day I met him, it wasn’t the way it’s supposed to be.
I smile, but my lips won’t hold it. They twitch instead. “I’m not afraid to have sex. It’s not the action, well, not totally. I’m afraid that I won’t like it. I’m afraid my mind will be stuck in the past somewhere and not here with you.
“As it is, I don’t feel like it, not really. I laid here next to you all night, and I don’t know if you know this or not, but you’re kind of hot.” He smiles. His eyes lock with mine and hold my gaze. I want to tell him everything. “I didn’t feel like it. I never seem to want more than kisses or your hands on my face. When I think about other things,” I shiver and shake my head. I press my lips together nervously and look up at him. “I can’t image feeling that way again. And last time was such a horrible mistake, how will I know? What if I make the same mistake again? What if…what if you hurt me?”
Peter takes my hand and pulls it to his lips. He kisses the center of my palm and looks into my eyes. “I will never, ever, hurt you like that.”
“How can I know that for sure? Dean didn’t start out that way, I mean—”
He holds my hand between his and looks me in the eye. “I am sure. I’m not like that. Most guys aren’t like that. That isn’t love, Sidney. He was using you.”
I can’t swallow. I nod a little too frantically. “Can you prove that you aren’t?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t think so, other than showing you how I feel about you. I love you. If you wanted to be with me, I’d wait for you. We don’t have to have sex, not right away, and not until you’re ready.”
I feel sick inside. I can’t look at him. My voice is weak, “I’ll never be ready.”
“Then, I’ll always be waiting.” He smiles at me and leans forward and kisses my nose. It makes me look up at him. My eyelashes flutter too much and I smile. “I’ll do anything for you, be anything you need. I just don’t want to let you go.”
CHAPTER 26
I must have dozed off because I wake up again a few hours later. Peter is talking on the other side of the bedroom door. It’s cracked, letting a little bit of light from the hallway spill inside. I stretch and push back the covers. My hands hurt. I forgot they were torn up. Stretching reminds me that my body will not be my friend today. I ache all over.
Rubbing my eyes, I pad across the room to the door. I watch Peter for a second. He has the phone to his ear and he’s talking softly.
“I know what it means.” He pauses and pushes his hair back, away from his eyes. His brow is pinched. “There’s more to it than that. Have you ever found someone that sees right through you? When she looks at me... It’s like we were thrown together, like my life didn’t turn into a pile of shit for no reason. I can’t leave her. I don’t expect you to understand. I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t a whim.” Peter shakes his head as if he can’t handle what the other person is saying. “I won’t be coming back, but thank you all the same. I’ll come by later and empty out my office.” He takes the phone from his ear and presses a button, then tosses it on the table.
I feel bad for watching him. Peter senses me. He turns and sees me standing in the doorway. “Hey. Feel any better?”
I give a weak smile and walk toward him. “A little bit. Thanks for letting me sleep.” I look at him, wondering who he was talking to. Peter seems rattled. “Are you all right?”
His eyes meet mine. He doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then he takes a slow breath and says, “They want me to come back.”
“Who?” I look up at him. I already know who, but I want to make sure.
“The University. That was Strictland. She said that she didn’t file my resignation, that I’m making a mistake.” Peter runs his hands through his hair and then down his neck. He sighs and looks straight at me.
I feel guilty. My stomach twists. I didn’t want this. I’m messing up his life. “You guys sound close.” I wonder about that.
He nods. “We were at the same university when I did my undergrad. Before she relocated here, Strictland oversaw my internships and wrote my recommendations for grad school. I was her TA, too. I got to know her since I was around her every day. That’s how I got the job here. She shoulder tapped me for another position. When Tadwick passed away, she moved me into his classroom.” He folds his arms over his chest. When he looks at me again, he adds, “I was kind of close to Strictland back then. She knew me before everything happened.”
My eyes dart to his side, to that scar, but it’s covered by a white tee shirt. When my gaze flicks back to his face, I nod. “You should go back.” He laughs, like he thinks I’m kidding. “I’m serious, Peter. I can’t do this to you. I—”
“You didn’t. Some asshole in New York did this to me. Someone they didn’t even find stole my life from me. It wasn’t you. If anything, you gave me a second chance.” He sighs and steps toward me. Peter takes my hand and pulls me to the couch. I follow, feeling a little more than exposed in my tee shirt. We sit down. He turns toward me. “I need to know what you want to do about last night.”
I bristle. “I’m not calling the police.”
He shakes his head and takes my hand. He pulls it into his lap. “That’s not what I mean. Do you want to—?”
Before he can finish, there’s a loud thud as someone pounds on the door. I know who it is before he speaks. “Open the goddamn door! I know she’s in there.” Sam’ voice fills the room.
Peter looks at me and then back at the door. The pounding stops. Silence follows. The door is a few fe
et away. Peter gets up and looks out the peep hole, then comes back to me.
“It’s your brother. Do you want me to let him in?” Peter’s voice is tight. His fingers flex into fists and reopen.
“Dean’s not there?” Peter shakes his head. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to talk to Sam, but I have to get him to leave me alone. “Wait a second.” I get up and find my jeans. I pull them on under Peter’s shirt and smooth my hair a little bit. This is going to look wrong, but I realize that I don’t care what he thinks. Sam pounds on the door again. I nod at Peter and he opens it. Sam’s hand flies through the air when the door is suddenly yanked open.
Peter glares at him. “If you try to take her again, I will kick your ass.”
Sam smirks. “Like last night? If I recall correctly, my sister saved your ass.”
Peter is through being nice. I can see something snap inside of him. Instead of answering, Peter grabs Sam by the throat and pushes him into the wall hard. He hisses something in his ear that I can’t hear. Sam’s eyes widen. His face is turning red. He can’t breathe. Peter drops my brother, then slams the front door shut.
Peter folds his chiseled arms over his chest and says, “You have two minutes. Talk.”
Sam is leery of Peter. I can tell that he doesn’t like this, that he doesn’t want to talk in front of Peter, but he does anyway. “Sorry about Dean.”
“Don’t apologize. I don’t want to hear it. What do you want?” I snap. We’re both standing, staring at each other. He’s my twin. We were so close once. He knew what I thought and how I felt, but I don’t know him anymore. He chose his jackass friend over me. I fold my arms over my chest and stare at him. Sam’s eyes cut to the side. He glances at Peter. “Just say it.”
Sam looks at my shoes. He’s silent.
The little muscles on the side of Peter’s jaw are twitching. He says, “One minute.”
