by Calista Fox
“So am I. And it’d be really helpful at this juncture if you threw me a bone.”
She smiled suddenly. It took her by surprise as much as it seemed to take Damen by surprise.
Because he very quickly added, “Don’t fuck with me.”
She kissed him again. Then whispered, “Dig deep, Damen. You know I wouldn’t.”
“I want to believe—”
“Then believe,” she urged. “Believe in me as much as I’ve believed in you. Just understand—the way I have to understand with you—that we’re not whole people. We’ve been shredded. We have difficulty piecing together absolutes until we’ve tapped every resource in order to find the truths we’re looking for, the truths we thrive on. We’re not perfect, separately, and… We won’t be perfect conjoined.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Doc,” he said, his intensity returning. “When we’re together, we make perfect sense. When we’re conjoined in any form…we’re perfect. The only thing fucked up about us is that we both have past trauma.”
She licked her bottom lip, and added, “We both have current trauma, too, Damen. Because someone’s hunting me and you have to protect me and that puts both of our lives in danger.”
“No one’s getting to you,” he swore—with notable conviction. “Or your computer…your memories of Conner. I will protect everything. I will preserve everything. I will ensure that you never lose that connection with your husband, Nikki.”
She gasped.
He pinned her with an intent look and said, “My desired result is not to wipe away your past with a man who loved you, who shaped you, who made you strong and brave and determined to save lives.”
Although tears suddenly burned the backs of her eyes at his words and his insistence, her gaze didn’t falter as she asked, “What is your desired result, Damen?”
“To move us forward. To move both of us forward.”
Damen knew every admission they made put their hearts in jeopardy.
He’d never lost his before.
Nikki Balentine-Kane had virtually had hers ripped from her chest.
When he’d told her this was no game, he wasn’t just speaking of the intel they had in their possession and a terrorist faction willing to kill them both—and anyone else standing in their way—in order to get to it. He was also talking about what transpired between him and Nikki. And how he adamantly would protect everything she held near and dear. Protect it as though it were his own, because he didn’t want her devastated again.
Nor did he want her to resent him for ending up in this position.
That was a tricky landmine to navigate unto itself.
Especially given that Damen still didn’t know if her hard drive had been obliterated when the information had been downloaded.
His gut twisted at that thought.
He had no idea how he’d even tell her, if that was the case. How he’d face her. How he’d accept a loss so profound to her.
There was nothing he could do about this now, of course. He needed the external hard drive from his IT team so he could transfer the data and free-up Nikki’s laptop.
Once he did that… He’d still want to keep her close. To ensure no one continued coming after her, even though his people would put out word that the ops center now had the intel in their possession. The terrorists might still be a threat to Nikki, because of her unwitting involvement. For which he would certainly take Garcia to task, despite the fact she’d rescued them all. Using a civilian was always a last, last resort. Using Dr. Nikki Kane should have been a hard-no.
Conversely… Damen would be lying—he’d be a hypocrite—if he didn’t acknowledge that Garcia placing the device in Nikki’s laptop was what kept Dr. Kane glued to his side this whole time, when she otherwise would have been on her way to Switzerland.
Damn, this was getting all kinds of twisted and convoluted. Not just their feelings and the dangerous situation, but also the intentions. They weren’t always crystal-clear.
One thing was an absolute certain, though: Damen wanted Nikki. If she felt the same… He would do whatever he had to in order to keep her.
So he directed her to rinse off and then they towel-dried. He led her into his vast dressing room, pulled out a drawer from the center bureau with a marbled top and told her, “Take your pick.”
She selected a soft, dove-grey Henley and slipped into it.
Damen released the buttons at the neckline and spread the material open, revealing the tops of her breasts. His fingertips along her skin heated her emerald irises. His hands glided over her collarbone and up her graceful neck, his fingers threading in her damp, deep-auburn hair.
“You are an incredibly sexy, savvy woman,” he told her. “Conner was a very lucky man to have had you.”
“I was lucky to have had him,” she said in a low voice.
Damen nodded.
She added, “I swore, after he died, that I wouldn’t get tangled up in a man who lived his life to serve others. Who willing put himself in harm’s way.”
“I hear what you’re saying,” Damen assured her. “I wonder why, though, you’d put your own life at risk.”
“Perhaps I don’t feel as though I have anything to lose.”
His brow furrowed. “I suspect your friends Kate and Jude would beg to differ. As would your network of therapists, your SAR team and contacts. Your patients. Your parents.”
“Granted, my mother would worry incessantly about me if she weren’t so busy being the height of high-society. I guess it’s a good thing that’s her jam.”
He grinned. “I have no idea what that means.”
“Doesn’t matter. I know what you’re telling me, Damen. But helping people is what I do.”
“And I greatly admire that, Doc. You have to know that.”
She gave a slight nod.
This was one of those instances where the intentions got twisted up. Because as much as he respected her job, her nerves of steel, her determination and her desire to help others, Damen wanted her safe. She would be on the ops campus.
He wanted desperately to reiterate that.
And yet… He didn’t.
Instead, he took her hand and guided her out of the room and to his bed. Biting his tongue because he knew, to the depths of his soul, that what he wanted for Nikki was purely selfish. Even though he firmly believed she’d be a huge asset to the organization, what Nikki believed in was what mattered the most.
It might turn out to be him.
Then again… It might not.
But Damen sure as hell wasn’t throwing in the towel.
Well, he did whip his off before slipping between the sheets with Nikki.
Yet his mind still churned as to what steps to take next.
Primarily… How to make her his.
19
Nikki suffered a few moments of oh, my God, I’m really doing this as she settled into Damen’s big bed, with his hunky body behind her, spooning her, every inch melding to her.
Interspersed with those thoughts was the rush of guilt she’d certainly anticipated experiencing.
Then, a more molten feeling flowed through her veins, as Damen’s lips grazed her neck and his arms tightened around her.
Some extreme absolutes flitted through her mind.
One, she was safe here, on his estate, which she’d noted was highly monitored—probably infinitely beyond the extent her naked eye had taken in when she’d noted surveillance cameras upon their arrival.
Two, she was even more secure wrapped in his embrace. Which was warm and welcoming and so…intimate. Her muscles relaxed and she turned limp and languid in the cocoon he created for them.
Three, he had vowed to protect not only her, but her personal possessions—which primarily entailed her memories of Conner.
And something she’d noted along the way, which made her even more entangled in Damen, emotionally, was that he didn’t shy away from speaking of her deceased husband, of the man Damen knew she’d loved so d
esperately, she’d been thoroughly wrecked when she’d lost him.
Damen knew the extent of her devastation. He knew the extent of her affection for Conner.
He neither minimized it nor swept it under the rug.
Rather…
He embraced that love and devastation as being a part of her.
He accepted the pain and the guilt and the torment he innately knew plagued her.
Accepted and even…welcomed…it all.
This struck a curious chord deep within her. So that she wiggled slightly against him and he loosened his hold on her, enough so that she could turn to face him, without actually slipping out of his reach.
Her palms pressed to his bare chest and their legs twined.
He grinned, the slivers of moonlight seeping around the edges of the slate-blue silk drapes providing just enough illumination for her to make out his strong features.
“You just can’t resist me, can you?” he lightly teased.
With a snicker, she said, “That, and… Something just occurred to me.”
“Whatever it is, please let it be that you need me inside you again.”
Her teeth sank into her bottom lip.
Lord, how he so easily distracted her!
Nikki almost lost her train of thought. But she stayed the course. For the moment.
It was incredibly difficult to think straight, in all honestly. With their bodies tangled and her hands on his pecs and his at the small of her back, one gliding lower to cup her ass cheek. He snuggled her a bit closer to him, his erection nestling against her belly.
Tempting her beyond all belief.
“You were saying?” he whispered in a cocky tone.
“Right… I was sort of having an epiphany.”
“I’m intrigued.”
“You’re distracting me.”
His low chuckle echoed through her in the most sensuous way.
A sigh fell from her lips.
His brow crooked. “Yes…?” he mockingly prompted.
“It’s just… You’re so…”
A delicious shiver ran along her spine, causing her to squirm against him. Which made him groan sexily in return.
“I do have something to say,” she started. Though her mind was suddenly clouded with erotic thoughts.
Damen’s lips skimmed over hers. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
This brought her around.
One of her hands lifted from his chest and swept through his damp hair. “You’re really not, are you? I mean, figuratively. You are so amazingly grounded.”
“I have to be,” he told her. “I have a career that depends on it. Beyond that… I have a mother suffering a serious bout of survivor’s guilt and a niece who is perpetually happy because she’s in denial over the loss of her parents and has found some space in her mind where she’s convinced herself they’re just on more of their expeditions and they’ll be back…eventually.”
Nikki’s heart wrenched. “Jesus, what are you, a collector of lost souls?”
“No,” he firmly stated. “Because you are not one. And as tragic as my family is at the moment, they won’t always be like this. My mother has made great strides with group therapy. And Mads… She’s exceptionally gifted and loving and if I don’t get her a fucking puppy soon, all of the love trapped in that little girl’s heart is going to go to waste.”
“Damen,” Nikki breathed, tears instantly springing to her eyes.
“She has a therapist, Nik. What’s going on between you and me has nothing to do with the grief others under this roof are feeling. That is one-hundred percent not why I brought you here.”
“Why did you bring me here?” she quietly challenged as tears tumbled down her cheeks.
“Because you’re safe here,” he was quick to say. “No one’s penetrating this compound. Not even with a fucking helicopter. I have people who ensure that. And…” He swallowed hard before confessing, “I want you here, in my bed. You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted here in this bed. With me. If you want to take this a step further… I wanted my bed to be the first one you slept in with another man who wasn’t your husband.”
His fingertips swept along her skin, whisking away tears.
“You don’t pretend he doesn’t exist,” she whispered. “Existed,” she corrected.
“Of course not.” Damen’s fingers combed through her hair. “Nik, he’s a huge part of your life. He’s a huge part of you. He’s not even an ethereal entity. He’s a hero to mankind—he’s your hero. And the fact that you stood by him even when you feared for his life—even when you selfishly wanted him by your side, rather than putting himself in dangerous situations—tells me that you love on a level I—” Damen’s voice cracked.
More tears spilled along Nikki’s cheeks. “Say it,” she painfully urged.
“I’m not sure many people can fathom the depth of your emotions,” he said.
“But you can.”
“Yes. I can.”
They stared at each other.
Neither spoke another word.
Nikki understood now why Damen would move heaven and earth to preserve her memories of Conner—because he’d want her to fight just as valiantly, as endlessly, for memories of him.
Her tears continued to fall.
Damen continued to brush them away.
Everything about the man was fierce and honest and…beautiful.
Absolutely breathtaking.
Nikki opened her mouth to speak, to say words lingering on her tongue.
They were scary words, because she feared what she might put out into the universe. What might happen if she admitted her deepest feelings.
But to not say them…
Damen whispered, “Tell me…anything, Nik. Everything. I don’t care. Just don’t ever feel as though you can’t confess a single thing to me. Even if it’s about Conner.”
“He won’t come between us, Damen,” she said.
“He could,” Damen cautioned.
“No. I’m not fearful of that. I’m just…”
“What?”
“I worry that… Some people never experience in their lifetime the incredible love I had with Conner. The endless devotion. The intense pull. And that’s tragic unto itself. Yet, losing that love is soul-shattering. To find something significant after you’ve put the pieces of yourself back together—”
“To find something significant after you’ve put the pieces of yourself back together, Nik. Say it correctly.”
“After I’ve put the pieces of myself back together…” she iterated the more personal sentiment. The raw sentiment. “That’s a blessing, a gift, a miracle.”
“One you’re afraid is too good to believe in.”
“Yes.”
“Not for you,” he said with absolute faith and conviction in his tone. “You can handle this. You can accept it and allow it.” He stared deeper into her eyes, and further challenged, “I dare you to give this—to give us—a chance.”
Despite the tension arcing between them, one corner of her mouth twitched. “How’d you know a dare is my greatest weakness?”
“Because I know you. And I know this is real. All you have to do, Nik, is believe in it.”
She drew in a deep breath.
His mouth pressed briefly to hers.
Then he asked, “Do you?”
20
It was almost one of those moments when Nikki thought, clinically, that her rationale might be skewed because of the dangerous, traumatic situations she’d been in with Damen Castillo over the past…what? Not even twenty-four hours.
Having him appear in the seat next to her on the plane—with a different identity, no less. Then hearing him explain a terrorist plot she was unwittingly a part of. Having him confiscate her laptop and prove she was carrying a device that could surely land her ass in a federal penitentiary, not to mention which could also cost her all of her photos of and letters from Conner. Followed by being evacuated from yet another hotel an
d then being shot at…
It was a wonder she could even think straight, let alone process all of the emotions she was suddenly experiencing.
Because of this man.
But then she realized that her reactions to Damen, everything she was feeling for him, had begun long before the danger and despair of the past numerous hours had come into play.
It had all started the day she’d wandered into Nico Valdiviesio’s hospital room.
She’d never contend he’d looked particularly peaceful while in his medically induced coma. In fact, as she thought back to that first time she’d laid eyes on him, she’d actually been drawn to how the man had appeared agitated, even in his deep sleep. The hard, strong angles of his face had intrigued her, as had his chiseled muscles—he was in infinitely better shape than any estate-planning attorney she’d ever known.
More than that, there’d been something about the raw intensity that exuded from him, combined with his heroism, that had made her return to his room, night after night.
Now, he was Damen Castillo…and she was in his bed.
The corners of her mouth curved upward.
He eyed her a bit more curiously.
They were in the middle of a very serious, very concentrated discussion.
Hell, the mere reality of the situation she’d found herself in was of such a dire nature, Nikki ought to be pacing incessantly, wearing out the floorboards, attempting to figure it all out.
Instead, she couldn’t be bothered with moving from this spot next to Damen.
Her hands were on his bare chest and he was staring deep into her eyes and… Nikki sighed.
She actually had to ask, “I was saying, what… Exactly?”
He grinned. His lips brushed hers and he murmured, “I believe you were about to tell me that you’re hot for me. More than that, you’re interested in finding out and willing to explore what this is all about. Between you and me.”
“And what does all that entail, do you think?”
He turned serious again, saying, “Meeting my mother and Mads. Going to the ops campus with me while I upload the contents of that device in your computer onto an encrypted, secured external drive. Touring said campus with me. Including the med facilities.”
