Nathan snorted, “Pregnant or not,” he said, sounding annoyed, “she’d still be better off without that creep in her life.”
I nodded. I knew that – but she didn’t know anything about his affair with me and I really didn’t need to be caught in the crossfire. “Well, anyway.” I said, still feeling more than a little annoyed that Nathan had dismissed our relationship. “Why did you say you weren’t my boyfriend?”
Nathan frowned at me, “Because it’s none of his damned business.” He growled, “Come on – let’s get closer to the stage – your favourite fella’s on in a minute.” He grabbed my hand and started to pull me through the crowds.
I tried to quell the fear that was beginning to build in my chest. He did love me. He just didn’t think it was any of Lennox’s business… I just wished I believed him.
George Ezra was phenomenal, as he always was and I can’t deny that I had a really good time watching him, safe in the circle of Nathan’s arms.
And we had a wonderful time back at the tent, making love and kissing and touching each other all night long.
But still, something was bugging me and it occurred to me, as Nathan snored, fast asleep after coming for the second time, what it was.
When we’d been in that crowd, apart from when he’d been pulling me along, he hadn’t held my hand. I grant you he’d held me in his arms as we watched George but it was dark by the time he came on, so few people would have noticed.
The sad truth was that he didn’t want people to see us together – and when we had seen someone – Lennox – he’d denied our relationship. Fuck. He was ashamed of us.
*
The next morning, I could barely speak to Nathan. I was so angry with him for being ashamed of what I considered to be the best thing ever to have happened to the both of us.
He knew there was something wrong, but he didn’t ask until we got back to my place.
He closed the door behind him and looked at me. “What’s wrong?” he asked, “You’ve been bitchy and prickly all the way home.”
Keep a lid on it Dylan, I warned myself, Don’t scare him off. As it was, I couldn’t keep a lid on it. I was livid and I’m ashamed to tell you that I totally let him have it.
“You’re clearly ashamed of me!” I yelled in his face, “Or you wouldn’t be hiding out here all of the damned time. You’d be happy to walk down the street with me, holding my hand!” Well, maybe not holding my hand on every street. We didn’t want to get bashed, after all.
He gaped at me, “But we’ve just been to Boardmasters.” He said, looking completely confused.
I flew at him, “Where you totally denied our relationship to my ex-boyfriend from hell!” I screamed in his face.
He ran a hand through his hair, looking totally stressed out.
Rein it in, Dylan. My mind screamed at me, Or he’ll walk and you’ll be heartbroken.
I decided to change the subject. Taking a couple of deep, calming breaths, I looked at him, “Okay,” I said evenly, “How do you see this progressing?” I waved my hand between the two of us.
Nathan blinked, his mouth slightly open as he stared at me, at a loss for words.
My heart sank. He didn’t. That was clear. I nodded, “Yeah,” I said in disgust, “That’s what I thought – just go.”
He stared at me for a second, “Go?” he asked, “You want me to leave?”
I nodded, “There’s no reason for you to be here.”
“No reason?” he parroted.
I looked at him through narrowed eyes, “Are you being deliberately stupid?” I snarled. Yeah, I was really in aggressive bitch mode.
He shook his head, looking completely bewildered at my outburst, “I just don’t understand where all this is coming from.”
I rolled my eyes, “It’s coming from you being ashamed of me – or at least of your feelings where I’m concerned. I’m not in the closet, Nathan – like I ever could be with the way I look and the way I walk and the clothes I like. And that’s fine – I don’t want to be.” My chest was heaving and I was having difficulty in getting the words out before I cried my eyes out, “And I won’t be forced into the closet because my boyfriend won’t come out of it.”
“That’s not fair!” he shouted, “I’m really trying.”
I shook my head, “Try harder.” I snapped, “Or don’t try at all. I don’t care anymore.”
I turned my back on him and stomped off to my bedroom.
Part of me wanted him to leave but most of me wanted him to come to my bedroom and apologise for dismissing our relationship to Lennox, which had upset me more than anything.
He didn’t though. I heard the front door close and his car start.
Well, fuck. He’d left. Because I’d asked him to. I had no one to blame for being alone but myself…
Chapter 15 – Misunderstandings
Nathan
I wasn’t ashamed of Dylan at all. I absolutely loved everything about him – but he was right. I had been hiding and so I could totally see how he’d arrived at the conclusion that I was ashamed to be seen with him.
It wasn’t shame but I couldn’t deny it. I was afraid. I was afraid of how people would treat me. It was cowardly and I hated myself for the way I’d been behaving. I didn’t think I deserved to be with Dylan. I wasn’t good enough for him like this. I needed to let him go – to let him be loved by someone who was out and proud and dying to show him off to the world.
I sighed and looked around me. The cottage I was currently building with my small team of builders was coming on a treat. I’d be able to start on the next one in a couple of days and leave this one for the guys to finish off and ready for the services to be installed. The plumbers and electricians were due the day after tomorrow.
Denny walked over to me from across the yard where he’d just been cleaning the cabins, “Alright, mate.” I called.
He grinned and nodded. Coming over to me he raised his eyebrows, “Who died?” he asked.
I shook my head, “No one.” I said, “I kind of had a falling out with Dylan.”
He cocked an eyebrow, “What about?” he asked in some surprise. I couldn’t blame him. Dylan was just about the friendliest, easy-going guy you could ever meet. He wasn’t known for getting on the wrong side of anyone. I, on the other hand, was what he affectionately referred to as a grumpy old bear. He wasn’t far off with that description, although I’d doubt he’d ever want to be as affectionate ever again. My heart ached.
Denny frowned, “You weren’t mean to him, were you?” he asked, “I mean, I know he’s a little full on – and we’ve all noticed that he has a little crush on you…”
I shook my head, “I wasn’t intentionally mean to him, no.” I said, “But I don’t have the faintest idea as to how I can put things right between us, either.” I bit my lip. I had to talk to someone about this and I would normally have gone to Bailey but he and Simon had gone to Barcelona for a long weekend and I was totally stuck. There was no way I was going to disturb their time together to chat to him about my failure at making yet another relationship work. “Can I talk to you about it?”
Denny looked mildly surprised at my request but he nodded, “Come over to the house.” He said, “Blaine’s out, so you and I can just talk one-to-one, okay?”
I nodded, relief flooding through me to ask someone’s advice.
“So, go on then.” Denny said as he snapped on the kettle, “What’s going on?”
“We’ve been seeing quite a lot of each other.” I started, “And you know, things were going well.”
Denny’s frown deepened, “Am I barking up a tree here – or are you telling me that you and Dylan have become a little more than just friends?”
I felt my face heating up. I nodded, “Uh, yeah.” I admitted, “We have.”
His eyes widened with surprise, “Okay.” He said, “I really didn’t see that one coming but whatever… So what happened?”
I rubbed my face, embarrassment and shame floodi
ng through me, “I messed up.” I admitted, “I love being with him and we get on so well. And we’re pretty compatible too…”
Denny nodded. Phew. I didn’t have to explain what I meant. He was following.
“But he pointed out the other night that I was hiding the relationship – and he’s absolutely right. I have to admit that I haven’t told my parents about him. But it’s really hard. My divorce isn’t even finalised yet – I feel like things have really moved fast and I am in love with him – but I just don’t know how to be gay.”
Denny nodded. “You know, there are no hard and fast rules to being a gay man.” He said, “We don’t get given a manual you know – and we’re all still just men -and we all still make horrible mistakes and upset each other.”
I nodded. I must have sounded so stupid to him. “I know that – but Dylan is so out and proud – and totally into the whole gay scene – I haven’t the faintest idea of what he’s talking about half the time. I feel like a fake straight man – and a fake gay man all at the same time. It’s exhausting.”
Denny smiled, “Well, you have kind of fallen for the twinkiest guy in the universe.” He said with a bit of laugh. “Don’t get me wrong – I think he’s adorable – but for a guy like you – he’s kind of totally out there.”
I felt slightly affronted at his words, “What do you mean, a guy like me?”
He shrugged, totally unabashed, “you know,” he said, “A totally straight guy that happens to fancy men. A guy who’s spent his whole life being the man everyone else thinks he should be. It’s a hard habit to break.”
I nodded. As offended as I felt, I couldn’t deny that he was absolutely right, “Help me.” I groaned, putting my head in my hands, “Help me get back the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
He smiled, “I’ll talk to Dylan but I can’t promise you anything. The best thing you can do is go around and explain to him what you’ve just told me.”
I sighed, “Yeah.” I said, “I want to – but he was so angry with me – he might be small but he’s mighty scary when he’s mad.”
Denny chuckled, “If he was mad at you – it’s because he’s feeling hurt. And if you were able to hurt him, it’s because you mean a whole lot to him.”
Hope surged in my chest, “I don’t want to hurt him. I just want to be with him.”
Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. I had to go and tell my parents that I was getting divorced (something I’d been avoiding doing for months) and I had to tell them that I’d met someone who made me happier than I’d ever felt before in my life. Only once I’d done that could I really go back to Dylan with my head held high and be able to tell him that I wanted a real relationship with him. One thing was certain – he wouldn’t believe me if I was still in the closet.
And I needed to get myself some brighter shirts too. I’d been subconsciously hiding in drab colours so no one would ever suspect me of being anything other than totally straight.
It was time for a few minor changes. I was never going to be flamboyant like my beautiful boyfriend – but I was going to wear what I liked, instead of what I thought I should wear…
Chapter 16 – Offloading
Dylan
I hadn’t even dragged a comb through my hair but I couldn’t muster enough energy to even care. Nathan and I were over. I couldn’t go to Zoe with this – she had enough on her plate running the wedding business and being extremely pregnant. I bit my lip as I looked up at the wooden cabin that was home to Denny and Blaine. Should I confide in them? They were friends with Nathan and I felt like I was telling tales out of school… Well, that was too bad. I was here now.
I knocked on the door.
Blaine answered it, “Hey, Dylan,” he said breezily, “Come on in. I’ll put the kettle on.”
I dragged my aching body through the door. Letting go and crying all night was therapeutic to a point but mostly it was just bloody exhausting.
I perched myself at the end of their breakfast bar and watched him flit around the kitchen getting cups out of cupboards and setting four up. Four? Who else was here?
I turned and looked through into their lounge. Oh. Someone else was here. Who was that, then?
Seeing me piking, Denny smiled, “Remember my old colleagues, Colby and Harrison?
I nodded, “Yes, I think so.”
“They swung around last night on their way home – they’ve been working undercover and they had to come back – they thought Harrison’s wife had gone into labour – it was a false alarm but they’d got this far when he got the call so we offered to put him up for the night. Harrison went home this morning. He’s coming back down to meet Colby in a couple of days before they’re back on the job.”
I nodded, “Right.” I said.
He looked at me, “Oh, my God. What’s happened?”
I let out a long sigh, “It’s Nathan.” I mumbled, “We had a fight.”
He raised an eyebrow, “Oh, yeah?” he asked, “What about?”
I bit my lip. They didn’t know that we were anything more than friends – thanks to him being totally in the closet. Was it wrong of me to talk about him like this?
Denny raised his eyebrows, “Have you two been getting along a little better than friends?”
I nodded, “It was short-lived.” I grumbled. “He doesn’t want anyone else to know. I’m his dirty little secret and I can’t do it. I want to tell the world he’s my beautiful, big, strong guy. But he’s obviously ashamed of the way he feels – and therefore ashamed of me.” Tears stung my eyes again and I sniffed, trying to hold it all in. It was no use. Two big fat tears dripped down my face despite my best efforts to stay strong.
Denny was around the counter in seconds, “Come here, you goose.” He said, “Nathan’s just…”
“Straight.” I mumbled into his chest since he had me in a bit of a death-lock.
He chuckled, “He’s not straight if he’s been sleeping with you – he’s just…”
Blaine appeared, “Afraid.” He offered. “Like I was.”
I pulled myself out of Denny’s rather strong embrace and looked at Blaine in surprise, “Afraid?” I asked in surprise, “What’s he afraid of?”
He shrugged, “Of everything he ever thought he knew about himself being wrong. Of having to explain all of that to his parents and friends and colleagues.” He smiled at me, “It’s not easy when you’ve played the straight guy all of your life and then you realise that you were living a lie and you didn’t even know it.”
I nodded. That made sense.
Denny put a steaming cup of coffee in front of me, “Drink that.” He said, “And then I think you should talk to Nathan again.”
I shook my head, “No.” I said, “If he doesn’t want to be with me, it’s best that I don’t see him, I think.” Denny and Blaine exchanged a glance. “What?” I asked, “What was that look for?”
Blaine grinned, “We had a very similar situation.” He explained, “We had a massive misunderstanding just after Denny was shot and I’d have given up altogether if my dad hadn’t pushed me to go and talk to Denny one last time. I thought I was good going through life miserably keeping my distance – believing stupidly that I should let him be – but in the end, I just couldn’t stay away from Denny. I was in love with him. So, I went to find him – almost knocked out the poor kid he was chatting to at the bar and the rest is history.” He finished his story just gazing into Denny’s eyes. I wanted to puke. It was all too much of what I wanted and couldn’t have.
“Nathan has made it quite clear…” I started but I was interrupted by Denny.
He shook his head, “I’m no expert on Nathan – but I can tell you that you’ve probably got the wrong end of whatever it was he was trying to explain to you.” He said, “Give him a break – or at least give him another chance to explain again if he contacts you. Don’t let the best thing to happen to both of you go down the toilet just because you’ve got hurt pride.”
I swallowed uncomf
ortably, “I’ll see.” I mumbled, “thanks for listening.”
Denny grinned, “We’ve been doing a whole lot of listening this weekend.” He said, “First with Bradley and now with you.”
I frowned, “Bradley?” Who the hell was Bradley?
Denny nodded, “One of the three guys.”
I raised an eyebrow, “Oh, yeah?” I asked, “Disaster’s struck then?”
He nodded, “He’s heartbroken.” He said, “the other two seem to have been leaving him out a little. Reading between the lines, they’ve gotten closer to each other and are a little possessive of each other – and he’s kind of been forgotten about.”
My heart went out to him. The poor guy. He’d picked badly, that was all – he needed someone that wanted to be exclusively his…
Chapter 17 – Dressing to impress
Nathan
I stared at the clothes in the high street store that I knew Denny and Blaine both shopped in. It was just the same as every other store on the high street, perhaps a little more expensive but there were still smart trousers and chinos and jeans lining the wall.
“Need a little help there?”
I turned and came face to face with a very well put together guy. My gaydar, that I’d never really been aware of before, pinged. He had to be gay.
I nodded, “Uh, yeah.” I said, “I uh, I want to look a little less boring and old.”
He chuckled, “Okay.” He said, looking me up and down appreciatively, “Just to put you straight – you sure don’t look old. What did you have in mind?”
Hmm, he was good at backhanded compliments. So, I didn’t look old – just boring. Thanks… I took a deep breath, “Better fitting jeans.” I said with a shrug, thinking about the way Dylan’s jeans hugged his legs and showed off his best assets, “And uh, a few nicer shirts and polos maybe?”
The Retreat Page 7
