‘Sorry, I was a bitch. Nobody calls me Charlie now.’
‘So I gather, about the Charlie bit, not the bitch. We were kids, kids are cruel, and to be honest you did me a favour.’
‘I did?’
‘When you put me on that evil pony of yours you set me a challenge, I had to learn how to ride after that humiliation.’ He grinned. ‘I never was a good loser.’ It had been quite a kick in the teeth, being shown up by a girl. Especially one he’d fancied the pants off.
‘Oh God, I’m so sorry, I never meant to be that mean. You could have been hurt.’
‘I don’t hurt that easily.’
‘But you’d never ever been on a horse, and I knew that, and she was a right cow too.’
‘Forget it, you only dented my pride and ego. Well, more than dented, you blew a bloody big hole in it.’
The look on her face stopped him short. ‘Honest, it was a just a joke, I get that.’ At my expense. ‘But I learned to ride after we left Tippermere and I fell in love,’ he paused, ‘with horses. I discovered a whole new life.’
Xander rested one hand on the pommel of the saddle. Life could change in an instance. You thought you knew the answers, then the roulette wheel spun and suddenly you questioned everything. What you were doing, who you loved, why you were here. It had happened to him back then, and it had happened after his polo pony had collapsed beneath him on the field. ‘Have you ever felt completely alone? Like nobody else understands?’
She frowned at the sudden change of conversation. ‘Well, er, no not really. I mean I suppose when I was a teenager I went through that stage when I told myself nobody understood me, and if I’d had a mum she would. But she’d stupidly gone and died.’
He winced at the catch in her voice. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring back memories like that.’ He knew all about Lottie’s mother. Who didn’t? Everybody in school knew the Brinkleys’ story, knew that Lottie had been brought up by the Olympic medal-winning Billy, that she’d lost her mother in a riding accident when she was only a toddler.
Billy couldn’t do any wrong, he was the toast of the county, the hero who had brought his daughter up single-handed and still gone for gold.
She seemed to read his mind. ‘It wasn’t always that easy, not having a mum.’
‘No, I suppose …’
‘Dad hated it at first, hated having to look after me. He used to work all day and drink all night until Gran told him that if he didn’t get his act together she’d take me away.’
‘Your gran seems to be a force to be reckoned with.’
‘She is. But I’m not saying it was all bad. I mean he did try and he was fine after that.’
Loveable Lottie, always being completely fair.
‘I’m sure he was. Maybe it was losing your mum that he hated, not the looking after you bit.’
She shrugged, plaiting her fingers through Badger’s mane. ‘So, what about you? Have you ever felt completely alone?’
‘For a while.’ It came out a bit bleak. Harsh. But for a while he had. ‘Maybe that’s why I went along with Pandora’s plan. Not that we’re close. Sometimes I think she cares, sometimes,’ he smiled, ‘I’m not so sure.’ Maybe agreeing to come back here was to find answers to questions he didn’t even know he had. A person, a place. Or maybe he was just testing himself, proving he’d moved on. Either way, he hadn’t expected to find Lottie still here, or his answer might have been different.
‘Oh, I’m sure she does really. Deep down. She can’t be that bad, I mean you’ve always hung out, haven’t you?’
‘Not really. When we were kids, yeah. But then after we left here her and her mother moved, and I didn’t see her for years. She got in touch; during my lonely patch.’ He gave a wry smile. ‘I’d lost my favourite horse, things weren’t going well with my girlfriend, Miranda.’ Not going well being the understatement of the century. ‘She decided she needed a break from me, not that I could blame her. The trolls were out in force.’ Troll being the word, although he’d have preferred to have met with the old-fashioned club-wielding cave-dwelling variety. At least then he’d have been able to see them face to face, and they might have shown more humanity than the faceless kind that inhabited cyber-space. He’d been cut up enough about losing the horse, without having the whole world and his dog rubbing it in. ‘I probably deserved some of it, but Miranda’s only crime was knowing me. Anyhow, Pandora’s offer meant I could be out of the limelight and hopefully off the radar, as long as nobody catches on.’
‘They’ll soon get bored, and, I mean, you’re not exactly doing anything that’s exciting, are you?’ She suddenly grinned. ‘Unless there’s some scandal we don’t know about?’
‘Nope, sadly not. Unless you fancy starting something?’ He really shouldn’t have said that. ‘Joke.’
She laughed, blushed. He really had to change the direction this conversation was taking. ‘My parents went their separate ways none too amicably as well a few months ago.’
‘Oh no, your mum seemed lovely. I mean I didn’t know her that well but she always seemed so … bubbly.’
But she wasn’t so bubbly now. ‘She is lovely. It kind of pulled the carpet out from under my feet. I guess I’m not very good at handling change, so that probably made me even harder to live with. I’m surprised Miranda hung around as long as she did.’
‘Crikey, that’s a heck of lot for anybody to handle.’
‘Mum had a breakdown. Guess she wasn’t very good at handling it either. And,’ he paused for breath, wondering why he was babbling on like the village idiot, ‘that’s partly why I need to stay away from the press. I don’t want her dragged into it. So I reckoned if I found a focus, did something different …’
‘That’s horrid, is she okay?’
The million-dollar question. ‘She will be, but I need to support her until things are sorted. I need a job because there’s no one else she can rely on. So I suppose that’s what made me feel a bit isolated. Miserable bastard, aren’t I?’
‘I know the feeling.’ She looked sideways at him through long eyelashes and grinned. ‘Not that I’m a miserable bastard.’
He stared back. How could she know the feeling? A girl like her, with everything. His feelings for Lottie had always been pretty mixed up: lust tumbled together with envy that at times had verged on hate. ‘But you’re not alone, you’ve got family, this place.’ He’d watched her the other day, her and her husband sitting on the grass together, and that teenage ache that he should have lost years ago had been back with a vengeance. The girl he’d fancied, always out of reach. She wasn’t just on some slightly out-of-reach pedestal, she was up there on another planet.
‘I have, but we could lose this place to the bank any day if I don’t make enough money.’
‘You’ve still got Rory, and you’ll have a family of your own soon as well, no doubt, won’t you?’
Her fingers stilled on the reins and Badger faltered, before she urged him on again. ‘Actually, you know when I do feel lonely? When people go on about having kids. Then I feel like I’m the only person in the world who isn’t sure. Rory wants them, Gran’s waiting, even Uncle Dom is all broody and as for Dad …’
‘Nobody is making you.’
‘Yes, they are. Don’t you see? People expect. Like people expect me to somehow find a way to keep this place going. I love this place, but it’s hard. And I love Rory so, so much, but what if I can’t do it? What if I really can’t have the family he wants? That’s what makes me feel lonely.’
‘Have you told him, Lottie?’
‘Told him what? That I think I’d make a rubbish mother? That I could hurt our baby the way my mother hurt me? I hated her for years, really, absolutely hated her for dying like that. She just abandoned me. I couldn’t do that to somebody else, and I couldn’t do it to Rory.’ There were pink points of anger and frustration on her cheeks. ‘My dad hated the responsibility, it changed his life completely, what if I did that to Rory?’
‘You don�
�t know he hated it, though, do you? Why didn’t he just let you live with Elizabeth if it was that bad for him?’
‘Well he wasn’t going to admit it, was he?’ She glared. ‘Men don’t.’
‘You’re funny.’ He shook his head. ‘You’ve said yourself he made sure you stayed with him.’
‘I’m not saying he didn’t love me, just that it changed his life.’
‘Kids change everybody’s lives. I’m sure life would have been easier for my mum if I hadn’t been around, but she told me all she’d ever wanted was a baby to call her own. People, parents, make mistakes but everybody survives.’
‘But it’s not fair to get it wrong, is it? If you have a baby then you can’t make mistakes and ruin their lives, you’re all they’ve got.’
‘Everybody is allowed to make mistakes; as long as you put them right, do your best. Children are pretty forgiving, Lottie. You forgave your mother in the end, didn’t you?’
She sighed, then swung angrily away, every inch of her body telling him to sod off. ‘I’d like to say yes, but I’m honestly not sure. Which is very selfish, isn’t it? Oh hell, I sound horrible, but I don’t really know anything about her.’ She studied her hands, the horse, anything but him. ‘I sometimes look at Rory and Dad and just think history will repeat itself.’
‘You just do your best, that’s all you can do. I can’t blame my mother for having a breakdown, and I guess, at the end of the day, I don’t blame my father for going off and giving me a sister like Pandora. Well I do, but shit happens, as they say.’
She glanced his way, gave a wry smile. ‘Your dad came back. My mum didn’t. Oh God, I just wish I’d known her.’
‘I know.’ It took every bit of self control he had to resist reaching over, hugging her, and telling her he really did understand. But he couldn’t. ‘Babies do change lives, Lottie. Rory would be responsible whether you were here or not. Don’t you think you should just talk to him about how you feel? It’s not just your decision.’
‘I suppose so. Sorry I shouldn’t go on. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I think I just need to talk to someone who isn’t family. And I’m sorry about your mum.’
‘So am I. She’s a nice lady.’
‘And your girlfriend.’
‘I don’t think she liked sharing me with the horses. Anyway, she was a bit too high maintenance to fit in with my lifestyle.’ Miranda was the least of his worries, it wasn’t losing her that kept him awake at nights.
‘You could play polo again? It might make you feel better.’
‘Not an option. I had to sell my best horses to raise money for Mum. I’m back to square one.’
‘Teach. I’ve been watching you on set. You are so patient with those goons.’
‘Have you any idea how much competition there is down where I live?’
‘Oh.’ Lottie frowned. ‘Well do it here.’
‘Yeah, sure. Hang around in scandalous Cheshire.’ He did his best to grin. ‘Come on, that’s enough worrying about the future. It’s a beautiful day. We shouldn’t be talking like this. Anyhow, who knows why I let my bossy little sister persuade me to come back.’
She laughed, a wonderful light tinkle of a laugh that left him feeling sad and empty. ‘You started it.’
‘I know, sorry.’
‘A friend of mine told me a few years ago that my feet would always take me back to where my heart was.’
Xander raised an eyebrow. ‘Yeah, right. Bit of a dippy hippy was she?’
‘Don’t look at me like that. And it was a he, not a she. He meant that deep down I knew where I belonged, what and who I loved. I came back here because I couldn’t not, if that makes sense. Maybe it’s the same with you. You just need to let yourself find the right place.’
‘Fine. That makes me feel tons better.’ Great, yeah, he’d come back because once Pandora had mentioned the place, he couldn’t not. He wanted to see how time had distorted the memories. And he wanted to check if Lottie was still in the village, even though he’d never in a million years thought she’d be at the Tipping House Estate. ‘This is getting a bit too deep for me. Race you back? I need to restore honour for the male of the species.’
Chapter 15
Rory put down the pitchfork as the clatter of hooves announced Lottie’s return. He watched as the two horses, their coats shiny with a light lather, picked their way over the cobbles.
‘You look happy.’
‘I am.’ She slipped down from the saddle, landed at his feet, then twisted round to look up at him. Her green eyes bright emeralds, a soft-pink blush on her cheeks as she leant closer and planted a kiss on his lips. ‘Xander said Seb wants me to be an extra.’ She grinned, then turned to look at the other man. ‘I’ll get paid, won’t I?’
Xander nodded. ‘You will. Despite the chaos and the fact she tried to kill him, he was actually impressed with Tab the other day. He said he wants some shots of people who look like they can actually ride. I think he’s sacked half the extras he took on.’
‘Doesn’t Pandora mind? I’m not exactly her favourite person.’
‘Doesn’t seem to, it might even have been her suggestion.’ His words were muffled as he dismounted from his own horse, ran up the stirrups and loosened the girth.
‘Well as long as you’ve got time, darling.’ Rory picked up the fork again and nodded towards an empty wheelbarrow. ‘Come on, get stuck in, my little diva.’
‘I’ll get this horse rubbed down and get out of your hair, then.’
But Rory didn’t hear Xander, or notice him moving off. He was watching his wife untack her horse, giving him cuddles and mints. He didn’t really know what had got into him lately, but the feeling that he wanted a family had crept up on him and wouldn’t go away. And it was turning into something of an obsession.
He grimaced, he knew he was ultra-competitive in everything he did – from riding to drinking and a lot in between – but Lottie would make a wonderful mother, and for some reason she was always dodging the issue. Not that he wanted to force her if she didn’t want kids, but deep down he’d been sure she felt the same way he did.
As he’d waited for her to get back from her ride, though, he’d begun to have doubts. Each time he’d tried to talk to her about it she’d got more defensive, which wasn’t like the open and happy-go-lucky girl he loved. They’d fought together to make the estate a going concern, cried together as they’d watched the firefighters quench the hungry flames, and vowed together that they wouldn’t let it beat them.
But now they weren’t joking together and fighting together – they seemed to be fighting against each other. There’d been a subtle change from the ‘let’s wait until we’ve got the business going again’, to ‘I want things to be right between us first.’ What the hell was that supposed to mean? He’d thought things were right. True, he’d been a dick at times, and might not always be the most attentive husband. He didn’t do romantic gestures, and they didn’t have much time to do stuff together. But they never had.
She’d even thrown in the comment that she didn’t want kids the other day, but everybody did, surely. It was just natural, unless you couldn’t.
He’d checked his watch each time he’d emptied the wheelbarrow, and she still wasn’t back. And each time he’d felt more wound up, more like he needed to grab her and ask what was going wrong with them.
Then, on the one day he’d offered to hack out with her and she’d said she quite fancied a ride out on her own, she’d come back with him and looked the happiest he’d seen her in a long time. Which made him decidedly tetchy, especially after what he’d read in the morning newspaper. She was flushed and happy, which was more than she was most of the time she was with him these days.
He swept the shavings back at the doorway to the stable and could hear her singing to Badger in the out-of-tune way that they’d always joked about, except now it was Xander that was hollering at her to shut up before she set the dogs off howling.
After skipping o
ut three more stables and preparing hay nets, he was actually feeling even more frustrated. Rory was naturally cheerful, he always saw the bright side of life, so being unable to shake the uneasy feeling was dragging him down alarmingly. Slamming the final door shut he decided he needed a brew.
‘Are you okay, darling?’ Lottie’s big eyes were filled with concern as she plonked herself down in the tack room and picked up the cup of coffee he’d made.
‘Not really.’ He tried to smile, thinking it probably looked more like a leer. ‘Here.’ He fished the newspaper out of the feed bin and dropped it in her lap.
The shot was slightly out of focus, a snatched shot taken with a telephoto lens, but it was obvious who it was. Lottie was in the saddle and you could tell she was laughing, and standing at her side was Xander, his hand on her knee.
‘Childhood lovers reconciled on film set’
‘Bloody hell.’ Lottie held the paper at arm’s length. ‘Can’t we do anything without it getting in the paper? And that is so untrue.’
Rory raised an eyebrow. He had to admit it niggled him a bit. He’d always trusted Lottie completely, but as he’d read the article it had hit him just how involved she had become in the filming, and why?
He’d said he’d keep an eye on things so that she could carry on as normal, but instead she’d been dragged in – or perhaps even dived in. More than one time, as he’d ridden out he’d seen her and Xander sharing a joke, their dark heads close together.
‘Which bit?’
‘What?’
‘Which bit isn’t true?’
‘Oh, Rory, all of it. We were never lovers. He was only at our school for a few weeks, don’t you remember? And I hardly knew him, to be honest him and his sister both hated me.’
‘He seems keen enough now.’
‘Rory!’ She giggled, taking it as a joke, and then saw the serious look on his face. ‘Don’t talk rubbish.’
He shrugged. ‘Just my view.’ He hardly remembered Pandora and Xander from their time in Tippermere.
Country Rivals Page 18
