by L. E. Waters
“Thanks so much for coming all this way to see me.”
She waves a hand. “It’s only an hour and some by train. It’s actually nice the get the morning away from my chores. Lord knows your father will never do them.”
“Come back as soon as you can.” I know she needs to feel needed.
“I’ll be sure to come back and check on you.” She stands up and smoothes down her dress. “Do you need anything else from home? A pillow? Another blanket? More clothes?”
“Maybe another dress would be nice.” I only brought three here with me, and we only get to send them to the wash once a week.
She looks happy for a mission. “I won’t forget.” She kisses me on my cheek. “Goodbye, love.”
“Love you.” I hug her tightly and wait until she’s on her way down the stairs before moving. I don’t want Bathilda ripping the package away from me in front of her. Bathilda clicks her way toward me and I make it easy for her by holding the package out.
Ursel plunks herself next to me. “Besides Odelia, you’ve had the only visitors this month.”
“That’s only because she just got here,” Verena calls across the room. “They always come every other week at first, then once a month, then once a year. Usually around Christmas so they don’t feel guilty.”
“At least they bring things and Annelie shares,” Ursel says. “It’s not so depressing when we know we get to benefit.”
“My parents didn’t even come last Christmas.” Gitta moves in closer to the group.
Elfi joins in. “Who really cares about them anyway?”
“Were those chocolates your mother brought?” Minna asks. “I hope they’re the same ones your sister brought.”
“If Bathilda doesn’t eat them all.” Ursel’s face sets in a pout.
“I remember when my mother brought me some sweets.” Verena stares up at the ceiling. “I think it was my birthday.”
“You all shouldn’t be talking about mothers and fathers,” Juliane whispers to us. “You know that Minna was just left here as a baby.”
Sibylle wakes up for the conversation. “Children are even worse than parents. I slaved over raising four of them, and I can’t tell you the last time they came here to see me. Nothing’s wrong with my mind. They got tired of taking care of me and, since I can’t work, they dumped me off here. Not a one cares to check on me.”
“My sister will always keep coming,” I say.
Verena scoffs. “That’s what we all thought.”
“Line up for dinner,” Bathilda calls.
As we pass Frieda, she points to Bathilda’s office and mouths the words, I’ll get them. By the time we get ready for bed, we’re all surprised to find a dainty chocolate left on our pillow like in the finest hotel.
Chapter 10
Our next session, I walk in to a plate of gingerbread cookies on Dr. Evert’s desk. He has his feet up on the desk and his hands behind his head. I take one of the sugared cookies and my taste buds dance, shocked after all the bland food I’ve grown used to.
“I’ll let you eat one, and then you must start talking before you take another morsel.”
“They are well worth it.” I wipe my fingertips over the plate to shake off the extra sugar, even though I wish I could lick them off.
“Tell me, then. Tell me about the most recent life you’ve known me.” He realizes how he sounds and corrects, “Or how you think you’ve known me.”
“We were soldiers in the American Civil War.”
“You were a soldier?”
I nod, smiling because I want him to believe that we were both males. “Your name was James and people called me Joe.”
He looks up at the ceiling for a moment. “Funny.”
“What?”
“I have quite a collection of American Civil War books in my library at home. I’ve always been drawn to it.” He checks back to me, though, and quickly adds, “But it’s an extremely popular subject in America.”
“We ended up in a prisoner of war camp in the south. I made it out, and I don’t know what happened to you.”
I can tell he thinks of something, but he doesn’t want to share it with me. “Anything else?”
If he’s going to hold things back, I’m going to as well. “Things aren’t very clear.”
He puts his pencil in his mouth like a cigarette and daydreams for a moment, then disappears behind his desk. When he pops his head back up, he drops a box down in front of him. “Can you guess what I have here?”
“More Civil War memorabilia?”
He laughs. “No, seeds. Hundreds of them.”
He pulls open the box and sifts through the little brown packages like snow. I reach in and bring one close to read, “Poppies.”
“They’re all here. Each one on your list. Except for the roses.” He brings another box up on the desk. “These are the cuttings you’ll need to plant.” The box is full of what look like leafy twigs wrapped in burlap. I’m glad that Odelia will know what to do with them.
I turn the packet of seeds over in search of instructions, and my heart races when I see a blank side.
“Don’t worry.” He pulls out a book from beneath the packets. “All the information you can find in here.”
I sit back in the chair and run my hands over the beautiful gardening book. “I’ll start reading it immediately.”
“You better. Some of these will need to be planted right away, others after the frost.” He looks at his watch. “I was going to go check on Teresia today. Would you like to come with me before I take you back?”
I tuck the book under my arm and hesitate at the boxes.
“You can leave the seeds and roots here until we know what to do with them.”
I nod and follow him out to the little hutch. I’m surprised by the high fence that surrounds the whole garden.
Dr. Evert sneers. “It’s unfortunate that it’s so industrial. I was hoping for more of a secret garden look, but this will have to do to keep intruders out.”
“And a certain bunny in. I bet we could let Teresia out to run once in a while.”
“Just make sure she doesn’t help herself to too much of our harvest.”
I lay down my book as he unlocks the hutch with his key. I reach in to feel a tiny nose tickle my hand. “She came out to me this time.” I grab her up in my hands and cradle her to my chest.
“She doesn’t seem so petrified anymore,” he says as he strokes her, sometimes bumping into my hands.
“We all aren’t as petrified as we were before.”
He smiles. “I can’t believe how much things have changed since you’ve come. I had a feeling you belonged here.”
“All of these changes are credited to you, not me.” I bring her silky fur up to my mouth and breath in her earthy smell.
“Well, it doesn’t matter who has changed things, but that it’s changed. I actually enjoy waking up each morning.”
I look up at him as he focuses on the bunny. I hadn’t ever thought that he could’ve been suffering here as well.
He scoffs. “I nearly quit a month before you came. I felt like I couldn’t help anyone here. I was going to try to start my own practice, counseling bored housewives.”
“You might just go back to that if this project is a failure. I’m not completely sure we’ll get anything to grow.”
He breaks out in laughter. “I never thought of that. Imagine how that will go in front of the board.”
I giggle along with him as I put Teresia back. He spills in more pellets into her bowl from a pouch and locks up the hutch once again. I stoop to sweep up my book.
On the way out of the garden, I look up at the steel fence. “I’ll plant morning glories to grow up this fence to cover it all.”
“We might get our secret garden after all, then.” My stomach flips with his perfect wink.
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
I stand out in the col
d as Odelia, Verena, Ursel, Elfi, Minna, and Gitta stare down at me from behind the bars of the windows. A bitter wind takes my breath away, and I turn to see a dark cloud with Hitler’s swastika looming over the hospital. I take cover under the brush beside the building as the swastika cloud opens up in hail, lightning, and freezing rain. The buildings around me catch fire, and the people inside the windows gasp and clutch the bars before they slump to the ground. Suddenly I see Dr. Evert help them back to their feet and pull them away from the windows. He’s trying to save them and I’m just hiding here. I hold my sweater over my head and make my way to our building. A man grabs me from behind. I spin around to see green-eyes through the darkness.
“Get out of here,” he cries out.
I hold on to him. “No. I have to help them. Help you.”
“Forget about me. I have to stop him.”
“Who?” I look around. No one else is here.
“This is my responsibility. I have to stop him before he kills more.” He rips away from me and all I hear is his voice through the darkness. “Save yourself!”
The smoke fills the stairway, but I crawl up to our floor and scream out each one of their names. I hear coughing in reply and the girls emerge, holding on to one another. “Follow me!” I call, and turn to follow the pathway I came up. As soon as we’re outside in the fresh air, I say, “Where is Dr. Evert?”
As soon as Gitta stops coughing, she says, “We lost him.”
I look back to the building, fully consumed in flames and black smoke. Both of them are lost.
Chapter 11
I walk into our session the next day to another plate of sugar cookies.
“What are you bribing me into today?”
“Bribing is such a negative word.” He waves the plate under my nose. “I’m only hoping you’ll consider a different therapy for today.”
“You’re not allowed to do any brain drilling.” I sound like Elfi now.
“Oh dear, nothing like that, just one that might unearth some of your repressed memories.”
“You don’t mean hypnosis.”
He laughs. “Yes, I do, and don’t make such a face.”
I grab a cookie from the pile and he points to the long bench in the back of the room.
“Lie down.” He removes his coat and rolls it up to place it under my head. I immediately smell the scent I grew so used to in our tent.
He pulls down the blinds in his room and drags a chair beside me.
“You’re not going to make me cluck like a chicken or dance around the room, are you?”
“I plan on it.” He takes out his watch to keep track of the time. “I’ve canceled my next session in order to give us enough time.”
“What are you trying to accomplish with this?”
“I want to see if something might have triggered these delu—” He stops himself. “Past life memories.”
I roll my eyes and then close them. I actually thought that he might have started to believe me. “Fine. What do I have to do?”
“Just relax and trust me. It only works if you trust me. I promise I won’t make you bark like a dog…well, maybe dance around the room. I might enjoy that.”
I open my eyes back up, wide, and he laughs. “Seriously, relax and listen to my words.”
He tells me to relax each muscle, starting from my toes to the top of my head. By the time he’s finished, every part of me feels completely relaxed. “Now I want you to find a set of stairs in your mind. A grand staircase with many steps. Go down five steps. Now ten more. Look around at what you see. Take ten more steps down. You’re nearing the bottom and you see a door. I want you to walk to the door.”
I see the large oak door and I stand in front of it.
“This is the door to your past; when you open it, you will see your earliest memory of significance.”
I cross the threshold of the door and look up to see stars filling the whole stretch of moonless sky. Large stars twinkle and catch my eye, as small stars—white dust thrown across the black—make me squint to see them. I focus back to ground level, where I follow the rolling landscape of sand.
“What do you see?” Dr. Evert’s voice calls from far away.
“I stand before the Pyramid of Khufu in a long line of boys. Once a massive rock door is opened, two priests emerge with torches and we all follow.”
“What are you thinking?”
“I should have been first.”
“What happens next?”
“The priests lead the way through the narrow passageway; chanting and music surrounds us. The priests remove another door and we come into a chamber where a statue of Amun and four other high priests stand. A priest serves the first boy in line wine from a golden cup and white bread torn from the offering loaves. After he partakes, he is sent ahead to another chamber.”
“What do you hear?”
“The priest turns and asks, ‘You will loyally serve your gods and goddesses under Ra and the Pharaoh?’ I recite, ‘I will, or the Pharaoh take my life and Ra deny me afterlife.’”
“And then…?”
“I step into an even lower-ceilinged passageway, where two naked boys stand beside open fires. One tries to pull away from the priests who hold him, screaming as the surgeon makes a quick movement.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“Coward. I remove my robe and march forward. Each priest takes an arm, and the surgeon kneeling before me brushes the tip of my manhood with the anesthetic. The surgeon grasps a thin knife, pulls my foreskin forward in one hand, and slices off the small piece of flesh with the other.”
I inhale sharply, registering the hot flash of pain.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I push the pain away. “The surgeon throws the flesh into the fire, then covers the wound with a linen wrap. I bow to the priests and they all bow back.”
“What has just happened?”
“I am one of the priesthood now.”
“Annelie?”
“My name is Sokaris.”
“I need you to walk back through the door.”
Suddenly the oak door appears in the chamber, and I do as Dr. Evert instructs. I find myself back at the bottom of the grand staircase.
“Did you walk through the door?”
I nod.
“Now turn to your left. Do you see another door?”
There is now another oak door where there was none before. I nod.
“When you walk through this door, it will take you to Annelie’s very first significant memory.”
I push the heavy door open.
“What do you see?”
I walk up to a bed and hear thick coughing. “Mother is very sick.”
“How old are you?”
“Kathrin and I have just turned four. Almost the same age I lost my mother when I was Edgar. The doctor has to come to our house and she’s coughing just like Virginia did, just like Henry, just like Jane, just like my last mother. I hate the sound of coughing. I don’t want to see the red handkerchiefs.”
“What do you do?”
“I hide. Until the doctor is gone. They can’t find me. Kathrin finally comes and sits with me. My father is angry when he pulls me out. I’m waiting for someone to take me away, but they never do. But Mother gets better.”
“Does coughing still bother you?”
“Not as much anymore. It’s the first time someone gets better.”
“Now I want you to back through the door.” I step through to the grand staircase once again. “There is another door to your right. This door will take you back to your last memory with James. Step through the door and tell me what you see.”
Another oak door appears to my right. I hesitate slightly on the handle but open it slowly.
“And what do you see?”
“A dark sky moves in and opens up. As the rain streams down, James sits shirtless at the slit in our lean-to with his he
ad hung down. I make my way to the space beside him, hoping to get some fresh air. I don’t say a word and neither does James. It’s in heat such as this that I wish I could peel off my shirt, too.”
“Why can’t you take off your shirt?”
“Because everyone will know.”
“Know what?”
“My secret.”
“Can you tell me?”
I shake my head slowly.
“In your own time, then. Please keep going.”
“We know our time is limited in this terrible prison camp. James seems in another world, another place. All I can think of is how badly I want to brush away a drenched curl that drips on his closed eyelid. I fight an urge to just pull all his curls back off his beautiful face.”
“Do you have feelings for James?”
“Yes, but he can never know.”
“Why not?”
I can barely hear him. He sounds so far away. “The thunderstorm gets closer. James looks up quickly and demands, ‘What are you looking at?’ ‘Nothing,’ I mumble, but I can feel his stare, and blood rushes to my cheeks. I know that the blushing could betray my disguise by—”
Dr. Evert breaks in, “What disguise do you wear?”
I pause for some time. “That I’m male.”
“You’re not a male?”
“No, I’m a young woman.”
“Fighting in the American Civil War?”
“Yes.”
“What happens next?”
“I slowly start to edge back into the tent. The thunder intensifies, rattling the ground. James shoves me back on the ground and my head hits the ground hard. He rolls over on me and pulls me by my shirt back into the lean-to. As he jumps on my back, I curse, ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ He then throws me over and jumps on top of me, punching me in the gut. Bringing his knee up, he hits me in the groin, hard. I keep swatting him in the face and suddenly he draws back and says, ‘You didn’t even flinch when I kneed you.’ I can’t think of an excuse quick enough. He pulls my face close for inspection. The lightning flares, with an immediate and deafening thunderous response. I see the realization in his eyes and he pushes me away angrily and stares across the small space of the lean-to in shock.”
