Watching my father engage my sister in conversation so easily and completely ignore me, I felt a twinge of jealously, and then ridiculed myself. She had put up with that for years; it was her turn now. Taking my dishes to the sink, I heard Lexi’s name being called several times and was completely oblivious, until Seth came over and poked me.
‘Lexi, wake up,’ I abruptly turned around and apologised, but it was as though that was normal and nothing new. Apparently, I was just as good as this acting thing as she was.
Not wanting to push my luck, I told my mom I was going to visit friends and headed out at the first opportunity.
Walking to the library, I watched as my dad and sister drove past, going who knows where and the process was complete. I was now Lexi; there was no turning back.
Logging onto the computer I opened my email account.
I was thinking that we could try the seeing each other in person thing again, you know if you want to of course.
I could picture him hitting send anxiously waiting my reply and felt terrible for not checking my emails before I left for the library. Sitting down next to the computer hub, I smiled. Maybe I had to pretend to be my sister, but here I could always be myself.
Surveying the room I had spent more nights in than I could remember, the log burning fire surrounded by sofas and row after row of my best friends, books. I never felt lonely here.
There was always someone I could chat with through reading and now having Lucas too, life had certainly thrown me into a vortex of emotions. Giddy at the sight of the next email that had been sitting in my box, I started to reply.
Let’s do it, come to Seattle and I will be here.
Hitting send before I talked myself out of it; I waited for his reply and waited. Nothing. Was he upset I had not responded sooner? Trying to distract myself, I perused the new release section, fingering the books tentatively, not really seeing the covers, just the face of a guy I had never met, nor seen on every page. Still nothing. Returning to the computer, I checked the internet connection, it was active. My emails to Lucas were forwarded to his phone, so I had always received an instant reply.
Still nothing. Starting to panic, I opened a new email.
Hey, we can meet another time, I’m sorry if I scared you. Love Lexi x.
Swallowing away the tears that were breaching and waiting once more for the name I longed to see in my inbox, nothing.
An hour had passed and after checking the computer every two seconds like a crazy person I finally switched it off and packed up my books. Instead of the essay I was supposed to have written, there were just endless black holes, spinning vortexes and broken hearts.
What if he had decided to finish with me? The thought sent all the tears gushing forward at Olympic athlete speed and I ran to the rest room, curling up into a ball and crying endlessly, for Lexi, Lucas and myself. My phone ringing, the only thing to stop the tears.
‘Hi, is that, Lexi?’ The velvet voice on the other side making my lungs compress into my back.
‘Er, yes, speaking,’ I sounded like a blubbering mess and taking a deep breath, tried to compose myself.
‘Hi, I’m Lucas’s brother, Lexi, he asked me to call you and give you a message,’ the voice continued, mesmerising me with every syllable. This was the closest I had got to speaking with Lucas and hearing his brother’s voice, my thoughts were strewn all over the rest room floor.
‘Is Lucas okay?’ collecting myself enough to start to process words again, why was his brother calling me and not him?
‘Yes and no, Lexi.’ The way he said my name, well my sister’s name, but now mine, gave me chills, in all the best ways. ‘He was in a car accident and broke both his arms. He will be okay and is in the hospital. If you want to visit, it is St Barts in New York. I know he would love to see you and I would too. All he talks about is you and I am curious about the girl who has captivated him so much.’ I sensed him smile, and I forgot to breathe.
‘I want to come, so badly, but things are crazy at home right now. Can you please tell him I love him and will be thinking of him every second. I am sorry.’ Every fibre of my being wanted to run and board a flight right now to Lucas, but my pregnant sister was at home, preparing to tell our parents, there was no way I could leave now and my heart sank.
‘Of course. He is a lucky guy. It was a pleasure speaking with you. Bye, Lexi.’ Picking myself up off the floor and splashing my face with water, I tried to compose myself.
I deliberately walked home the long way, not wanting to face what was about to happen, just wishing we could go back in time and stop it. The guilt of what I had just said swallowed me whole.
The baby would be my nephew and it was my job to protect him, no matter what.
Opening the front door, my sister eyed me suspiciously, taking my hand and leading me into the dining room.
‘Is everything okay, you look terrible. I mean, I know it isn’t, but has something else happened?’ Not wanting to burden her with my troubles, I changed the subject to our plans for the night. We had organised everything we would say like a military task force meeting. Even down to going to Colorado if my parents truly flipped. I had some savings and combined with Lexi’s we would have enough for the flight to grandmas, should things go disastrously.
Wanting to practice before we broke the news that could potential kill my parents I changed into my practice clothes and adjusted my ballet slippers. Warming up to Alicia Key’s Concrete Jungle Where Dreams are made of, I pirouetted around the room.
New York, I would give anything to be there right now and a thought occurred to me. Grabbing my cell phone, I ordered a large bear and get-well balloon in the shape of a heart to be sent to Lucas at the hospital.
Feeling rejuvenated after my practice and purchase, I quickly showered, finding Lexi pacing up and down in her room, well my room now and attempted in vain to comfort her.
‘No matter what, we will get through this together, I promise,’ gently stroking reassuring circles on her back as she buried her head in my shoulder. Holding her hand, we proceeded downstairs and found my mom, dad and Seth in the family room.
My mom was sat as far away from my father as possible, sewing a costume for a party Seth was attending and my dad was doing the crossword from the newspaper. Seth was playing on his playstation, shooting bad guys and cheering victoriously as he got to the next level.
I held Lexi’s hand firmly and cleared my voice.
‘Mom, Dad, Caitlan and I need to talk to you for a moment please.’ I waited with baited breath as they both turned to face us. My mom smiled reassuringly and my dad looked annoyed at the interruption momentarily until his expression warmed looking at my sister.
I felt the urge to run, to hide, and to do anything than be here ready to say the words I never thought I would hear.
‘Mom, Dad, I don’t know how to say this, other than to just say it.’ My dad’s annoyance once again plastered all over his face. ‘Caitlan is pregnant.’
Lexi – new life
They just started at me for the longest time, the clock chiming a new hour had passed, the only noise in the room. My mother was in total disbelief and my father; I had never seen him look at Caitlan that way. Me, yes regularly, but Caitlan, never. I felt Caitlan’s hand squeeze mine in reassurance and now it was my turn. If we could ever get away with them believing I was my sister, now was the time to pull the performance of my life.
‘Dad, I’m so sorry,’ leaving the safety of my sister’s hand I stepped forward to face the music. Its dark tempo beat, thundering in time with my heart.
‘Caitlan, I don’t know what to say.’ My mother spoke first, and I stepped closer to her, tentatively.
‘Mom, please forgive me.’ What was there left to say? Turning to face my father, he looked like he had aged ten years in the five minutes it took to destroy the illusion of his sweet innocent daughter, Caitlan and five longer than I thought it would take him to blow up.
‘Who is it? I will kil
l the bastard. No one touches my daughter, no one,’ enunciating every word, I felt paralysed to the spot. Roots climbing up around my legs, tightening their hold and constricting my vocal chords.
‘I, Dad it was an accident, I went to a party and had something to drink, I don’t know what came over me.’
‘He drugged you? I will tear him limb from limb,’ screaming, his pulsing blood vessel almost haemorrhaging out of his head.
‘No, Dad, it was consensual, I was upset that everyone was so tense at home and no one was telling me anything. I was angry and I lost my mind for a second. I’m so sorry,’ wiping the tears that were scattering down my face with my sleeve I saw the eyes, those two eyes. Filled with so much disappointment and darkness turn to the one person who I never thought they would focus on, my sister, Caitlan.
‘Lexi, where were you when your sister was so vulnerable, doing Christ knows what elsewhere I bet, and not protecting your younger sister, but what else should I expect from you.’ His venomous tone echoed across the room and Caitlan recoiled before gathering her momentum that was skittering across the floor at speed.
‘I was at home sleeping; I didn’t know anything about this.’ She was in fact telling the truth and despite the fact that she was pretending to be me, Lexi, who he detested with every fibre of his being, he let it go and slammed the door behind him.
‘Oh, honey, how far along are you?’ My mom reached out, pulling me into her arms and I had never felt so destitute for lying to her. Every cell in my body wanted to scream out and say I am Lexi, but my eyes wandered to the shell that housed my sister and her reassuring nod, there was no choice, I was now Caitlan.
‘I’m three months pregnant, Mom.’ Going with less is more; I watched as my sister shuffled forward and joined us in the embrace.
It was us against the world and that world had just come crashing down for the man who held Caitlan at its centre.
‘Right, we will get you in to see the doctor as soon as possible. Now, Lexi, can you please take your sister up to bed and make sure you get her some crackers. I had terrible morning sickness when I was expecting you and they were the only things that helped.’ I watched as my mom wiped her nose with the lace handkerchief she always kept up her sleeve, just in case. She was always that sort of mom, the one who had spare everything in her bag that she could whip out at a moment’s notice and I loved her for it.
‘Sure, Mom, come on Caitlan, let’s get you to bed,’ a wry smile swept across my sister’s face, before she swallowed a million bitter pills hand delivered by our father and led us both upstairs.
‘Oh, wait, I forgot the crackers, see you upstairs,’ waving me off to the bedroom and I could not have longed to be in that room any more.
Despite the fact it was not really my room, I collapsed onto the bed, wrapping myself in the blanket and turned out the light. Too exhausted to even brush my teeth I just closed my eyes and fell asleep within minutes.
A soft knock at the door awoke me and craning my neck I forgot where I was for a second. I had slept many nights in this room with my sister, but waking up alone to the butterflies glaring at me, as they always used to, until I persuaded mom to let me repaint, the nausea hit full force.
Running to the bathroom, I heard my mother’s calming gentle voice as she held my hair and reassured me, the only person besides my sister that ever could.
‘It passes, Caitlan, I promise, but now we need to have a little talk, just the two of us, okay?’ I nodded weakly, not knowing what to expect, but at the same time, not wanting to know.
‘Sweetie, I know we didn’t plan for this and you must be feeling so confused and upset right now, but we have to stay strong and as much as I never wanted to say this to you, grow up, okay?’
‘Yes, Mom,’ I squeaked, the fear consuming me, its tentacles of dread, snipping away inch by inch my conscience.
‘Having a baby at any time in life, dear, is difficult, but at sixteen, it is too much.’
‘Seventeen,’ I interjected cautiously.
‘What, dear?’ her puzzled expression, only scaring me more. ‘I will be seventeen when the baby is born.’ She just started at me for the longest time. I could not tell what she was thinking or feeling, her thoughts foreign and impenetrable.
‘Yes, that is true. Now, I will go and make you a light breakfast and then we will go see the doctor, okay?’ she smiled reassuringly, but it did not reach her eyes. The sound of my sister entering, grabbed my attention. She was wearing her ballet tutu and had her slippers slung over her shoulder, the way I always carried them. My sister had pretending to be me down and it frightened me.
We had agreed to stay in character even when alone, but my heart longed to call her Caitlan. That would mean none of this had happened and we were back to how things used to be. A stab of guilt penetrated my oesophagus and my hand reflexively reached to my belly. How could I say that about my own baby?
‘It is okay, everything will be okay I promise.’ Pulling me into a bear hug, I rested my head on her shoulder and felt her sigh with all the weight of the lies we were concealing.
‘If this is too much we can stop anytime, you know that right?’ pulling away so I could search her eyes. The eyes that I knew so well.
‘I know and it is not I promise. I just over did practice a bit and my feet hurt, it’s nothing. I’m going to grab a shower and see you downstairs in ten okay?’ I nodded and watched as my baby sister by two minutes hobbled towards my old room. How quickly things had changed.
I washed up and got dressed ready for the day. Choosing a typical Caitlan outfit of jeans and a shirt I pulled my hair back and braided it. Surveying myself in the mirror, I turned around from all angles trying to decide if my bump was showing yet.
Would I be able to go to school much longer and keep this a secret? Struggling to fasten the button on the jeans made me think unlikely, and I headed downstairs to the kitchen.
Seeing my dad putting his coat on to leave I tentatively smiled and watched him shrivel before my very eyes.
‘See you later, Caitlan,’ was all he said as he closed the front door, dragging his hopes and dreams for my sister behind him.
‘Sweetie, breakfast is ready,’ my mom shouted as Seth came bounding down the stairs as though a turbo powered switch had been turned on, indicating it was refuelling time and I gathered my thoughts ready for the next challenge.
‘So, Lexi, what are your plans for today?’ I reflexively jumped up ready to answer and felt my sister’s hand squeeze my arm.
‘It is okay, Caitlan, I’m coming with you of course to the doctor,’ she smiled sweetly at my mother and quickly changed the subject, engaging Seth and my mother so I could slowly pick at my cereal. I cannot believe I almost blew it.
Breakfast seemed to drag on and on, listening, but not really focusing on the conversations, my mind wandered back to school and whether I would still be attending.
‘Mom, what happens with school?’ I interrupted their discussion on cell mitosis my brother was studying for his science homework and my mother whipped around to face me.
‘I think your father is leaning towards a tutor, honey, for you to stay at home until the baby is born. Then it is up to you. I am more than willing to take care of it while you return to your studies. I know how much the scholarship to the New York Ballet Company means to you and I will do everything in my power for you to reach your goals.’ I watched as she swallowed away her tears and began clearing the table.
The drive to the doctor’s office was painful. Everyone was trying desperately to talk about anything but my pregnancy and it was grating on my nerves. The mindless babbling was making my head throb, and I opened the window, despite the rain, to release the tension that was threatening to bubble over at every breath.
I know I should have been grateful to my sister for lying for me and I was, eternally grateful. But the way she had just fallen into being me, so easily, without any mistakes was making me feel queasy. I did not want her to become me.
She was everything I epitomised, and I was everything I hated, she could not become me, I would not let her.
‘Caitlan, come here,’ grabbing my sister’s arm and pulling her into the empty bathroom stall I locked the door.
‘Lexi, you know we can’t call each other by our real names, it is too risky, and we have come too far for this,’ she was turning puce and visibly shaking with anger.
‘Promise me something, promise me you will always be you and true to yourself. Go to New York and be with Lucas. Join the ballet and live all your dreams. Promise,’ my voice was straining trying desperately to halt the flood of tears escaping the dam holding them captive.
‘I promise, Lexi, but this is the last time we can have this conversation. Come on, Caitlan, you have a doctor’s appointment to attend.’ Acting superior, she led me from the stall to the waiting room and we both flicked through magazines as though we were at the dentist.
Sitting on the bed waiting for the ultrasound technician, I tried to focus on anything else. Picturing our last family vacation to Disney World and the many arguments I had with my father there bought me comfort in an insane way and I watched once again my little baby dance on the screen in front of me.
We walked from the appointment back to the car in silence and no one attempted to make conversation on the way home. The only sound in the car was Seth’s computer game; everyone completed absorbed in themselves and me, lost in the thought that I was now a mother.
caitlan - ballet
Ever since my mom advised Madam of Caitlan’s situation she had eyed me suspiciously. Reassuring myself that she could not possibly know about our switch and this was just typical Madam behaviour, I fastened the ribbons on my slippers securely. Stretching out ready for practice, I never heard her approach.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 9
