I saw her sigh and for once this morning; her eyes glistened with something other than tears and unadulterated panic. I knew how much she wanted this, as much as I wanted to go to college too, but there was more. This was in her soul, her life force and she must have this, no matter what it takes.
I felt that way for my baby now and I smiled, urging her forward to warm up.
Caitlan was beginning practising her routine, and I was perched on the floor, trying to get comfortable. My bulging bump suddenly came out of nowhere and my back, not used to carrying the extra weight was protesting loudly, creaking and groaning every time I tried to manoeuvre.
I suddenly felt the intense feeling I was being watched and prepared myself for an unpleasant encounter as I shifted around, thinking someone was going to make a smart remark about my pregnancy.
The bluest eyes pierced my soul, sapphire colour with dark contrasting hair. He looked like a college guy and oh, man, was he hot. My cheeks flushed instantly, and I tried to look away, but could not bring myself to move my eyes off that face.
‘I’m sorry, practice sessions are private. If you would like to watch the performances, you must buy a ticket from the office. Please follow the signs,’ a nasally curt woman announced, aggrieved at his presence, yet all I wanted was to see more of him.
‘Sorry, of course, thank you,’ he politely replied with his velvet dulcet tone, ringing in my ears, my heart audibly pumping its annoyance at that woman as he smiled widely and walked away.
‘What, what is with you? You look like all your dreams just came true or something. Is there ice cream?’ Caitlan’s witty remark brought me back to the present, and I pulled myself together to give her constructive feedback on her performance.
‘You will be great, I know it,’ I gushed, so proud of her as I pinned her contest number to her leotard and was ushered out by that woman who had sent the dream guy away. Glowering at her as I strolled past.
Caitlan looked so beautiful, her piece was from Swan Lake and I had helped dye her hair black, doing mine at the same time. Neither of us had dyed our hair before and as a camaraderie thing, I had joined in, fake tan and all. I was just standing, as all the seats were taken already, waiting for my sister’s performance when I felt that same piercing feeling, in the most pleasurable way.
‘Hi again, I’m Nic, nice to meet you,’ the dream guy put out his hand and I gingerly took it, suddenly completely lost for words.
I garbled out a hello in response and tried to draw my eyes away from his face to be able to form sounds that may fall into words.
‘Is your girlfriend competing?’ I cringed at my response, why would I ask that, but thankfully, he did not seem offended, quite the opposite.
‘My brother’s is, he couldn’t make it so I’m offering support, only she doesn’t know I’m here, so I guess I am just a spectator.’ He suddenly sounded nervous and brushed his hand through his hair. I forgot to breathe. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name?’ he asked politely.
‘It is Lexi,’ I replied quickly without even thinking. I mean Caitlan, my sister is Lexi, she is the one competing, that was what I meant,’ garbling out rubbish and his face dropped initially, then evened out somewhat.
‘Nice to meet you, Caitlan,’ his eyes lightening up with such a smile I felt so drawn to his face and distracted; I never heard them announce my sister was next.
‘Wow, she looks amazing,’ he voiced, his eyes fixed momentarily to my sister before he turned back around, pointing in the direction of the stage. It took me a moment longer to process, and I quickly uttered a nonsensical response, more sounds than words and transfixed myself on my sister.
I could see her scanning the audience for me and lifted my arm to wave. It was not necessary; she had already seen me, our connection so strong, we could find each other in moments, even in the biggest crowd.
I nodded reassuringly and watched her sigh, close her eyes and focus.
Her routine was flawless, each pirouette across the stage effortless; every pas de bourree on point to the letter.
She was seamless and a joy to watch as she serenely impersonated the role of the Black Swan without even trying. I had never been so proud and felt the tears welling in my eyes as the whole room gave her a standing ovation, applauding so hard, my hands ached.
‘Here, take this,’ offering me a handkerchief, my face creased in surprise, no one used reusable tissues anymore. Noting my shock, he explained. ‘My mother likes to make things, clothing, art, you name it and ever since I was a child she has embossed my initials on it,’ he flushed a little embarrassed, and I felt instantly uncomfortable.
‘I’m sorry, no that is the cutest thing, I mean sweetest, I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m sorry. Thank you,’ I gushed incoherently, eyeing the initials N.V curiously, just about to ask his surname when my sister grabbed me by the arm pulling me to dance with her as we pirouetted out of the room, laughing together. She had done it and I felt the sheer exhilaration seeping out of her. I turned around to see that face for the last time and was left disappointed, he was gone and now it was time to celebrate.
My mom and Seth joined us afterwards, he had fallen asleep in the car on the drive here and she did not want to wake him so had remained in the car, missing the performance. I could see how torn she felt about it and I offered condolences as best I could. This was something that I would face soon, having to put my child above everyone else, as mom’s of multiple children have to do at times, choosing the most needy in that moment over another.
My family were everything to me, but once my baby was born; my priorities would have to change.
Mom took us for ice cream after and we celebrated Caitlan’s win as enthusiastically as we could, wanting this to be her moment to shine. I was exhausted by the time we got home and went to lie down, still holding the handkerchief with the initials N.V in my hand, stroking the silky soft fabric and wishing I would see him again.
‘Hey, who was the guy you were talking to at the contest, wow was he gorgeous. Did you get his number?’ Caitlan gushed enthusiastically.
‘Yes of course I got his number, don’t all twenty something college guys long to have a pregnant girlfriend,’ I retorted a little too abruptly as I watched her face crumple. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean that. So what did Madam want?’ Hearing her on the phone talking animatedly as I went upstairs.
‘She said that the representative from the New York Ballet Company had contacted her and I would be receiving an invitation to the audition next year,’ she near screamed as I hugged her with all the strength I could muster, my heart flailing. She would be leaving soon, and I would be alone.
Caitlan - plans
I was floating on air, the euphoria and adrenaline coursing through my veins; I had done it. In eighteen mere months, I would be standing on the stage at the New York Ballet Company, auditioning for my spot. The joy was overflowing, as was my stomach with too much ice cream. I sighed and caught Lexi’s eyes; she was staring into space as though she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. The light that always emanated out of her, dull.
‘Are you okay?’ It was a dumb question she clearly was not. I watched her shift in her seat and fiddle with her seat belt, adjusting it across her ever growing bump before responding.
‘Sure, just tired,’ she stretched a little and then resumed her stare out of the window, the look of longing etched across her face.
I kept quiet the rest of the way home and planned the routine I would perform for the school entrance audition, step by step. Weaving an intricate pattern through my brain as I pirouetted with Lucas, the perfect partner for a pas de deux and my heart glowed.
Lexi excused herself to go to her room straight after dinner and I helped with clean up loading the dirty dishes as Seth put up the clean ones. My mom was on the phone to my dad again looking strained as I caught her eye. She closed the door to the study, and I decided I would go to bed too, eager to speak with Lucas.
I clim
bed the stairs musing over whether to check on Lexi. Her remark about the guy she had met at the audition was still bothering me and I wanted to make sure she was okay.
Opening the door to her room quietly I watch her stuff her journal under her pillow abruptly and turn to face me.
‘I’m really tired, can we talk in the morning?’ her eyes were red and bloodshot, she had obviously been crying.
‘Please, just tell me what is wrong, we never used to keep secrets from each other.’ She smiled conspiratorially, as if to say, that is what you think and it really hurt.
‘After everything I am doing for you, the least you could do is be honest with me,’ I never got to finish, the rage exploding out of her, like a volcano erupting. Maybe her being quiet was the preferred option.
‘Seriously, go tell mom right now, I am done with you holding that over me as an excuse to know my every last thought and feeling. Just because you’re my sister, does not give you that right. Some things are private for a reason and I don’t want to talk to you. Don’t you understand?’ That was it; I was done.
‘You know what, I used to think you were everything I wanted to be, popular, beautiful, had everything you ever dreamt of. Stepping into your shoes, I realised that I don’t want to be you, the person who hurts other people just because they can. I’m going and I won’t ever bother you again.’ I slammed the door, hearing the hinges rattling with the anguish I felt. I never meant to say that, she was not thoughtless or careless. It just hurt that she never shared anything truly with me that mattered and I was done.
Grabbing my pyjamas I headed to the shower as Lexi stormed through the door.
‘No, you don’t get to turn me into the bad guy and slap insults and accusations against me as though you are the innocent victim in this. You have everything you want lined up ahead of you. Your dream guy, the school of your choice, dance and I have nothing. Everything I had dreamt of has been taken away and I would not change my baby for the world, but every time I look at you, I see what could have been and it hurts. Why can’t you see that?’ I was about to walk over to her and fling my arms around her as the tears trickled down her face, but I felt rooted to the spot with the sudden realisation that she wanted to be me.
After living vicariously in her shadow for the past sixteen years, it was now my turn, and I did not know how to deal with the feeling of immense satisfaction with my life at the hands of her misery.
‘I’m sorry this happened to you, truly I am and I believe you will have everything you dreamt of, it just may take a different path than you thought. I can’t pretend I am not happy with the way things have changed for me because that would be lying and I promised I would never lie to you.’ Something we both had done, thought I knew for a fact she had always kept things from me and that knowledge smarted, once again, thwarting me from pulling her into my arms.
‘Let’s just got to bed okay, night,’ and she closed the door quietly behind her.
I was still frozen to the spot, her words circling around in my subconscious. I was not just pretending to be a different person, I felt like I was different.
Six months ago, I would have launched into her room, begging for forgiveness. Now, I padded to the shower and washed away the guilt along with the shampoo. Draining away my feelings and replacing the wall that had always been there between my feelings and Lexi though just lately, it was getting taller and taller and it was frightening.
Grabbing the laptop from under the bed, I needed light, love and unconditional acceptance; I needed Lucas.
Hey, baby, can’t wait to hear how the audition went. I’m so sad I missed it. Message as soon as you get home, I want to hear every detail.
Love always
Your Lucas.
Just reading his small communication sent shivers of pleasure radiating throughout my whole body. I used to tell Lexi everything, now the only person I wanted to bare my soul to was Lucas. That thought was both thrilling and perturbing at the same time. Is this what happens when you meet a guy, you forget everyone else you already knew and loved? No of course it didn’t, I loved Lexi as much as I always had, but Lucas was my soul mate and I let myself not feel guilty for a moment.
I replied and told him everything that had happened, my audition for the New York Ballet and just how much he meant to me.
Oh, baby, I am so proud of you. I knew you would do it. Okay, new plan and no going back on this one. No matter what, we will be there to meet each other on the 8th October 2009. NO MATTER WHAT! I can’t wait any longer to hold you in my arms and finally we can be together in every way
Love L XXX
I felt my face flush, and the heat radiated out to my toes, every inch of me tingling. Together in every way. I replied confirming our date and closing the laptop reluctantly, got out the ballet school brochure that was hidden under my pillow and fell asleep pirouetting around the stage.
The air was stifling, the heat burning my arms every time I tried to reach out. My eyes bathed in darkness so long, I could not remember whether it was day or night. Feeling so hungry and thirsty, I heard muffled sounds from outside and froze.
‘I’m here, dear Caitlan, let’s do this one more time,’ the female voice screeched out as though she was enjoying every moment. I screamed as my arm felt like it was being pulled out in one piece and the slap across my face sent my thoughts to oblivion.
“Did you really think you could have him?”
I sat up in bed my pyjamas wet with sweat and my heart beating so fast I felt like I was drowning. Gasping for air that was not reaching its destination, the fluid building up as I ran to the toilet and threw up.
I opened the bedroom door and was about to go downstairs to get a drink when I heard muffled whines coming from Lexi’s room. Opening the door, she was clearly having a nightmare too, and I ran over trying to wake her.
‘Lexi, it is okay, wake up,’ I shook her gently and nearly flew off the bed as she rose up into a sitting position, knocking me over.
‘Caitlan, is that you?’ her eyes were wide with fear and I could see her gasping for breath; trying to calm her I stroked her arm.
‘I’m here, it is okay,’ humming as she lay in my arms slowly calming, the tune our mother always sang to us as children.
‘That was awful, I dreamt you were being pulled away from me and I couldn’t hold on. You kept saying, wake up, wake up, they are coming. It was horrible.’ I held her tightly, not wanting to face the nightmare I had, I kept quiet about it and just chatted with her about light things, anything to make her smile and she finally fell asleep.
I had got up to leave and was just covering her over when I saw something under her pillow. A college prospectus and I stopped dead. Lexi had never mentioned anything about wanting to go to college. The realisation dawning on me, did I really know my sister at all? Not wanting to go there, I closed the door behind me and after retrieving a drink of water went back to my room, pulling out the laptop. I needed Lucas.
Hey, you are probably asleep, but I just wanted to hear your voice, figuratively speaking. Lucas, I realised something tonight that I had known deep down for so long, but never wanted to admit it. I do not know my sister at all. She never really tells me anything and I feel like all the time I felt I was in her shadow; I was missing out on actually building a connection with her. It feels like it is too late now and I had the worst nightmare.
I’m sorry for putting all this on you. I’m going to go back to bed. I love you always.
Me xxx
Not expecting to receive a reply, I went to brush my teeth and heard the audible beep just as I was rinsing. Running over to the computer, my heart was racing; I should not have said any of that. He was going to think I was so stupid.
I have never had a twin, but my brother and I are as close as you can possibly imagine and I don’t know everything about him. It does not mean you love her any less, and it definitely does not mean you have lost her.
She is there right now and you can rebuild thing
s. I’m sure she is going through a hard time with the baby and all and she is probably scared you are going to be leaving soon. I know what it is like to love you and the thought of you leaving, well; it would destroy me. She has had you all to herself for the past sixteen years and it is probably terrifying her that you will have a life away from her.
As for the nightmare, I wish I were there to hold you in my arms and tell you everything will be okay. I will always be here for you, no matter what. I love you and try to get some sleep. I’m snuggling up next to you right now, kissing your neck and stroking your arms, wrapped tightly around you.
Love you.
Always L xxx
The thought had not occurred to me that Lexi was scared to lose me, what an idiot I am and after hearing her nightmare, it was all becoming so clear.
I love you so much, you’re the best boyfriend I could ever wished to have and I marvel how lucky I am. You were worth waiting for and I will wait until the end of my days to be in your arms.
Love always, me xxx
I was just about to close the laptop when a reply came through.
Baby, you won’t have to wait much longer. October 8th and I am never letting you go.
ILYXX
I smiled and closed the laptop; no, I was never letting him go. Lying down and pulling the duvet over me, I heard footsteps.
‘Can I sleep with you?’ and we spent the rest of the night curled up together as we had done as fetuses’.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 11
