To my darling husband, with all my love, Sabine.
My stomach hit the floor and putting the ring back onto the nightstand I backed up against the wall. Looking around the rest of the room, my heart was thundering in my chest. His shoes at the foot of the bed. His coat in the closet that had been left open. Next to it hung a black backless silk dress with a scarlet red jacket.
Resisting the urge to vomit, I ran as fast as I could to my cart and pushed the key card into the room after knocking.
Busy with turn down, I tried without success to vanquish the fact that my father was staying in this hotel with his girlfriend in the penthouse suite. Tears rolling down my cheeks at the knowledge that right now, Seth was probably talking about dad being on deployment overseas and how much he missed him. Mom was tearing herself apart with guilt for leaving him and breaking up our family. Caitlan was worrying about how she would cover her tuition and I was working my ass off to help us all when he was upstairs screwing his girlfriend on satin sheets.
I was raging so much, the night flew by and I had finished my floor in record time. Putting my time card into the machine, I shook myself back to reality. I could not tell them what I had seen. This was more than any of them needed to be burdened with.
As the card clicked into the machine, I vowed I would never share my father’s betrayal. Pushing it to the back of my memory, next to the cabinet filled with his wrong doings. Never to be removed again.
Driving home, I switched the radio on and drowned out my thoughts. Pulling onto the drive, I opened the front door quietly and removed my coat and shoes. Creeping up the stairs I checked on JC, tucking his blanket over him, kissing him on the head as his contented snores filled the room. Showering quickly I put my pyjamas on and was just about to flop into bed when I saw Caitlan’s arm hanging over the side of my bed. Snuggling in next to her, I tried to close my eyes, listening to the sounds of her breathing and JC’s on the monitor.
Dreams coming quickly, filling my mind with thoughts of our future and smirking at my father when his whole world based on nothing, but lies came crashing down. The sooner, the better.
‘Hey, did you sleep well?’ I asked as Caitlan yawned and pulled the cover over her head. I was feeding JC and watched as he would stop feeding to grin at me. My heart a giant marshmallow whenever I thought of him.
‘Yes, no, I don’t know. Weird dreams, you know,’ Caitlan replied, pulling herself up to a sitting position. ‘Mom told me the plans for New York. I am excited, but it is difficult, you know,’ she continued, and I nodded, snuggling closer.
‘We will work it out, together, I promise,’ smiling as she fussed over JC.
My mind forcing closed the drawers that were so full; they were fit to burst with hatred for my father. One day, maybe he would realise the harm he had done.
**
caitlan – realisation
It was one week before my audition and this would be my last shift at the restaurant. Gathering up my uniform and ballet practice clothing, I paused catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. This last year in Seattle had been such a roller coaster of emotions I could only hope that the next one would be less stressful.
Descending the stairs, I giggled at JC, trying desperately to figure out how to open the stair gate, grinning his magical smile with a toy screwdriver in one hand and his bear that he would not go to sleep without in the other. Lexi was making breakfast and the delicious aroma of strawberry and chocolate chip pancakes wafted into the hallway.
‘Morning.’ I gestured for JC to come on my lap and he toddled over so much more co-ordinated in the last week than before. He was growing up so fast and I swear his hair was becoming darker.
‘He is going to be dark haired, I’m sure of it,’ I proclaimed, as Lexi rose her eyes.
‘That is the craziest idea ever. Have you looked at our family lately?’ She laughed, so incredulous to my observation I could not help laugh in response.
‘Okay, so slight change in plan. Mom has taken Seth to the dentist as his filling has fallen out,’ I winced, knowing how much Seth hated the dentist that would not be a pleasant experience. I will drop you off at work and then could you watch JC for me before your dance class please? I will collect him around two and then we are flying to New Haven to check out apartments, without mom,’ she explained, stacking the dishwasher as she militarily planned the rest of the day for us.
It would kill her to know she had some of our father’s character in her so I would never say it, but at times like this, it was as though he was in the room with us.
‘That will be fine,’ I replied, not wanting to say anything further for fear the tears would come and never end. Our plans to live together in New York had come completely crashing down, in a good way, when Lexi was awarded a full scholarship to study architecture at Yale.
I could not think about how much I would miss her though that day was getting closer and closer and my mind was unwilling to process it. No matter how many times she assured me we would visit each other all the time. Things were changing, some great, some not, but it was the only thing I was certain of these days, that things would change from one moment to the next without warning.
The biggest change was about to be set free and aside from Lexi leaving, it was the worst for my family. Mom would be serving divorce papers on dad after my audition and I was terrified for his and Seth’s reaction.
‘It will be okay, I promise,’ Lexi assured, kissing my cheek as she busied herself with JC. I grabbed my bag and headed to the car, quickly sneaking a look at my email before I had to switch my phone off at work.
I am counting the hours, minutes and seconds until I am holding you in my arms. Have a great last day at work. This time in seven days’ time I will be driving down to meet you. I cannot believe it is finally happening. Love you so much, it hurts to think there are seven more days to go.
Love always, Lucas.
I was about to reply when JC dropped his water cup over the floor and rushed to get some paper towels, quickly mopping up the spill and securing him into his car seat.
‘You are a tinker, but the best kind,’ I teased snuggling him into his blanket and carrying him out to the car. Lexi followed shortly after and drove me to work chatting aimlessly about New Haven and how excited she was. I was so excited for her and JC, but the fear of being separated from Lexi was all consuming.
The hours passed slowly at work and after my boss called me into the office to give me a goodbye card and bouquet of flowers, lingering just a little too long hugging me, I could not wait to get out of there. The money I had managed to save, the saving grace, and it had been a great boost to our college account.
I had already decided that I would split it with Lexi and that was my last stop of the day, going to the bank to deposit the cheque in her account. Now that she had the scholarship, she was set for tuition fees, but babies are expensive and anything that I could do to help her and JC was the most important thing to me.
I could work as many jobs as needed to cover what I had to pay, but with a baby, that would be so difficult for her. Paying in the cheque and writing one for the dorm room I was now going to be staying in, the only thing making me smile was the thought of spending the afternoon with JC and seeing Lucas in seven days.
Passing the mall, I hated shopping, but decided to use the tips I had gotten today to buy a present for Lucas. Milling around the stores, I finally decided on a photo album for all the pictures he wanted to take and a heart keyring that I had engraved with my and his name, my real name.
It was a way to open the can of worms about us switching our names. I just hope he would understand and forgive me for lying. We had decided that once the divorce was final, we would come clean to our mom about us switching places. I just hope she would not be hurt and angry. So many lies, so little time to make amends. But I would one day, not stopping until I could correct all the mistakes we had made.
lexi – apartment hunting
I cloc
ked in and stocked up my cart as usual, grabbing my floor plan on the way. This would be my last shift too. I had not told Caitlan, but I had booked a surprise getaway for the three of us, to a cabin in the forest. I had made sure that there was plenty of room for her to practice, knowing how much the audition mattered, but I just wanted to spend some alone time with her before the big move.
Our lives were changing so much; I could barely keep track of everything. The only thing keeping me sane was this getaway and feeling her excitement to meet Lucas for the first time.
I had packed for all three of us, getting up that early this morning, I was now feeling the effects and hoped I could grab a nap on the flight over if JC fell asleep.
Concentrating on getting the corner of the sheet just perfect so the manager would not moan at me, I groaned at the state of the bathroom reflected in the overhead mirror. To say I would not miss this job was the understatement of the century. I had managed to put away a chunk of money and with the scholarship confirmed had already written a cheque to deposit in Caitlan’s account after work.
I had got everything, the apartment, groceries, day care paid for by our grandparents so any help I could offer I wanted to give.
Starting on the bathroom, I counted the amount of times I had cleaned the tub, knowing each crack and crevice of the rooms without looking at the door numbers. I had never had to go to the penthouse again and despite the many times I wanted to confide in my sister, had not mentioned seeing my father staying here six months ago.
My mom was filing the papers next week and then I would never have to see him again, the thought alone making me grin from ear to ear, despite the stain that was refusing to yield under an attack from all the cleaning supplies I had cornered it with.
It was finally time to turn in my uniform and after a quick nod goodbye from the manager, that was the only farewell I received. The turnover of staff was so high here, no one was still here from my induction class and now I was going too.
Dropping into the bank, I deposited the cheque for Caitlan and drove home, the music blaring; my mini, it is over celebration.
Picking up JC I waved quickly to my sister and drove to the airport just making it in time for my flight. This would be JC’s first time on a plane and I had packed an army of snacks, toys and back up electronic technology to keep him occupied.
Thankfully, he fell asleep just after take-off and I managed to grab a nap before we landed.
Picking up the rental car, I drove to the realtor’s office, and she took us to our first apartment.
My grandparents had picked three they would be happy to purchase, and I just needed to decide which one I preferred.
‘Okay, now this one has hardwood floors throughout, two and a half baths and an amazing view,’ she gushed, so much energy oozing from her I was finding it hard to keep up.
‘I like this one, yes, I do,’ surprised at the fact it was so warm and cosy, with that homely feel already. The owner had painted sunflowers and daisy borders in the master bedroom and the yellow paint just glowed like a warm summer day.
The next two were equally well equipped, but did not have the same vibe as the first one and making the call to my grandparents, I knew which one I preferred.
‘That is the one then,’ grandpa announced, asking to speak with the realtor while JC checked out the rest of the rooms including closets. He did not want to leave and cried as we drove back to the airport. Sensing the flight home may not be as easy as coming; I picked him up some ice cream and watched as he covered himself in chocolate sprinkles.
Picking up our car at the airport and driving home, this felt so real. I knew it was coming for a while, but the fact that my grandpa had just bought an apartment for me, there was no turning back now.
Arriving home, I decided I would tell Caitlan about the getaway now, thinking it may soften the blow a little that I had found an apartment. I knew she was feeling just as terrified about us separating as me, but Caitlan always put on a brave face to hide her feelings. I just wanted to cry with her for the next few days and hoped she would open up to me before it was too late and we were flying miles apart from each other.
‘I have a surprise for you,’ I announced as she opened the front door, reaching to take JC’s car seat from me.
‘You found a place?’ she questioned, the light diminishing before me.
‘We are going away for a few days, just the three of us. I have booked a cabin and don’t worry there will be room for you to practice,’ I began when she launched herself into my arms.
‘I can’t believe you planned all this and did not tell me,’ she gushed, wiping the tears from her eyes, the relief that she was finally showing her emotions getting the better of me too and we cried together until our mom and Seth returned home later.
I had already filled her in on our plans and she had helped me keep everything secret. I knew she was struggling with us both leaving and vowed that Caitlan’s audition day would be the chance for mom and me to spend the day together here before I would fly out to New Haven with JC for the start of our new beginning.
Caitlan - getaway
I quickly gathered up a few last minute things to add to the comprehensive packing that Lexi had managed to keep secret from me and kissed mom and Seth goodbye.
‘Have a great time,’ Seth yelled looking for his new controller from under his bed.
‘Thanks, you be good, love you,’ I yelled back. Not ready to accept that I would be leaving my brother soon too. We were so close; it would be almost as hard as leaving Lexi though not in the same way.
‘Thanks, Mom, for everything,’ hugging her tightly and watching as she waved to us from the window until we were out of view. Something she had done since we were little.
‘Road trip,’ I grinned sheepishly, as Lexi turned the corner out of our road.
‘Road trip,’ she grinned back, turning up the radio and dancing in our seats as we hit the highway.
It took around three hours to reach the cabin, JC flat out asleep in his pyjamas already and Lexi carefully transferred him to the travel cot. I was ready for bed too and after grabbing a quick shower, we explored the cabin.
It was a two-story building with a living room, kitchen and reception on the ground floor with three bedrooms upstairs. It had been decorated with florals and exquisite fabrics over every surface, definitely a woman’s touch. I giggled at the tea cosy she had made for the teapot, putting it on Lexi’s head and dancing together like little kids.
‘I am going to miss you so much,’ I whispered, my voice hoarse from emotion, the sound barely escaped my lips.
‘I know, I will too, but this is why I wanted us to come here. To talk and do girly stuff. JC said he doesn’t mind if we paint his toe nails too,’ she replied, opening up the chocolate biscuits and dunking one in her tea.
We decided to share the double room together and curled up next to each other in the king-size bed, taking up barely a quarter of it.
Falling asleep to the sounds of the trees lightly blowing outside against the window and my sister’s breathing, rhythmic with mine as always.
I awoke first in the morning, sneaking out to not wake JC I made pancakes and bacon for us all and set the table. Lexi came down soon after with JC toddling to my side wanting to be picked up. Lexi poured us both coffee, and we sat eating breakfast together laughing and joking about anything and everything.
‘I am just going to practice and then maybe we could go for a hike?’ I suggested, watching JC smear his pancakes on his plate, soaking up the strawberries that he was obsessed with eating.
‘Sounds great. I will clean up here and get JC ready. See you in around an hour?’ she confirmed, and I left them there, Lexi so obviously in love with her son and him in return, the best photo I could ever have of them, taking the picture and treasuring it forever.
I warmed up and started my routine, my leg feeling a little bit more tender than usual when I was on pointe. Dismissing it and pushing through,
flopping down onto the floor with exhaustion at the end. I knew I had the routine down, but wanted to speak with Madam about a few adjustments when I got back.
I met Lexi and JC in the living room and she had packed a picnic lunch for us to take on the hike.
‘Wow, this looks amazing,’ I marvelled at the spread she had made, with fresh juice, sandwiches, salads and cookies, my mouth watering already.
‘I have checked out a hiking route for us and it will lead to a field of daisies that JC will love to play in,’ she advised, taking me by the hand as I picked up the basket.
We had walked for around an hour when the field appeared on the right-hand side.
‘Wow, this is beautiful,’ I exclaimed, sitting down and watching JC toddle ahead, touching the flowers and trying to smell them.
‘Caitlan, I just want you to know, I am always here for you. Whenever you need me, I will be there, no matter what,’ she began, reaching out to take my hand.
‘And I, you. I know I have been quiet about you leaving and with everything that is changing, I just needed to let it in, but it is hard, you know,’ I replied, feeling the emotions trying to choke me.
‘I know, and I feel the same way. But you have the connection to me to feel what I feel; I don’t with you in the same way, so you need to let me in. I want to be there for you, as you are always there for me,’ Lexi continued, wiping a tear off her cheek. I wanted to tell her everything I was feeling, but something always held me back. Like there was something between us that was more than I could even reach her over.
It was as though a cloud was hanging over us and as much as I wanted our futures to shine, I could not help feeling something was going to change again. The carousel felt like it was endlessly moving and I was desperate to get off.
The Beginning (The Butterfly Series Book 2) Page 21
