by Izzy Cullen
When I got off the phone, I thought I would call Lexi. I knew she was at work, but she would still answer and talk for a short time. Lately work was the only time I talked to her. She was still dating Todd, and my like for him in the past had now turned to toleration. I was no longer a fan. Lexi’s free spirit and spunk had slowly started to disappear, and it seemed like it was due to a fear of what Todd would say. We barely saw each other anymore, and it was the fault laid with both of us. I was busy back at school, the girls, and adjusting to the relationship with Alex. I knew Todd didn’t care for me, and I felt he put Lexi in a spot when we hung out, so I decided it was best to back off a bit until they figured things out.
“Hey, how is LA?” I liked how Lexi had the freedom at her job to answer her cell.
“Warm. So what have you been up to? I miss you. I haven’t seen you in weeks.” I was missing her and Derek. I loved having Alex, but it was taking a lot more effort to keep them as big a part of my life as before and I was failing. I felt like there wasn’t enough of me.
“I know. Todd and I are redecorating and thinking of remodeling the kitchen. He doesn’t want to move in with a seventies kitchen.” Lexi sounded sad, but I wasn’t sure why.
“What’s really going on? I can tell something is up. You want to keep the green sink?” I knew it wasn’t the remodeling.
“Nothing I can discuss here. How about we make a date for dinner when you get home? I’m missing you and our talks we always have.” I didn’t want to push it, and she was at work, so I would have to leave things alone for now.
“Sounds good. Are you still coming to Thanksgiving?” I was hoping she was, but I knew going to Todd’s parents was now an option and I was sad. Lexi had spent the last few Thanksgivings with us.
“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it for anything. The bickering between you and your mother is something I’d pay good money for.” She let out a soft chuckle.
“Ha-ha. We are getting along now. We both turned over a new leaf. The DC trip was good for something.” I was referring to the first heart to heart talk my mother and I had ever had in my life.
“I have to go, but we will get together this week. Even if I just come over for dinner and we talk after the girls go to bed. I miss them, too. I’ll chat with you later.”
We both said bye and got off the phone. I wasn’t sure what was making her sad, but I was going to make time for her when I got back.
The rest of the drive I looked out the window and had a great view of the ocean. I had never been to the Pacific Ocean before and was hoping I might get a chance to walk down on the beach. I was already missing the beach even though the season ended a few months back.
We pulled into Johnny’s short drive. The driver got out and opened the door for me. I was hesitant to get out and walk into the house, but I was a big girl and needed to act the part. Closing my eyes for a second, I let out a breath and said a silent prayer. I finally stepped out of the car and walked up to the door. When I got there, Johnny was waiting and opened it before I could knock. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I said nothing. I didn’t even lift my head to look at him.
“Please come in. Alex called and said he is on his way. He should be here soon.” I still remained silent, but walked in past him. I felt tense, and you could tell there was tension in the air. “Would you like a glass of water or soda while we wait for Alex? I thought maybe we could sit out on the balcony while we wait.”
I finally looked up at him. “I don’t care for anything to drink, but I’d like to sit outside.” He smiled and led me out. Looking at him, he looked like a completely different person. His eyes seemed softer and his skin had a nice color. It looked like he had put on a little weight that he wore well on his tall, muscular frame. He had to be at least six two. I never noticed his size before, but the fact he was super skinny back then may have made me think he was smaller than he really was at the time.
We stepped out onto the balcony, and I sat in a nice cushioned wicker chair and looked out at the ocean. Johnny stood leaning against a tall railing just diagonally from me. Neither of us said anything, and there was definitely an awkward silence. I was hoping Alex would quickly show, as much as I feared the outcome.
Johnny finally broke the silence. “I need to apologize. I would say that it was the drugs, but it’s just an excuse. I will take full blame for what happened.” He paused and was waiting for me to say something, but I didn’t and wasn’t planning on saying a word. I finally looked over at him and he had a sincere and pained look on his face. I was feeling slightly bad for him, but reminded myself about what he did to me, and the feeling went away as quickly as it came on. “Talking to my therapist, I realized I wasn’t mad at you or even Alex. I was mad at myself. There is definitely jealousy towards Alex, but nothing that would make me want to hurt someone physically. I’ve kept people at a distance my whole life, with the exception of Alex, Steve, and Sam. They all have their own lives now and here I am alone. I know it is my own fault. It isn’t your fault, so please don’t take any blame onto yourself.”
I cut him off. “I never blamed myself.” My voice came across harsh as I said it, and I was looking him straight in the eyes. This was also a small lie, but I didn’t want him thinking he made me feel bad for the actions he inflicted on me. I had felt like it was partially my fault and that I brought part of it on myself. I could now see how battered women could feel responsible after being hit the first time, even when they knew deep down it was not their fault.
Johnny continued. “I saw you leave the hotel, and at first I was just going to follow you to see why Alex was so obsessed with you, but after seeing you run and the carefree expression you had, it infuriated me. I still don’t know why. I do think the cocaine and the whiskey intensified my feelings. Either way, I was wrong grabbing you and hitting you.”
“You what?” Johnny and I both turned to look at Alex standing at the doorway of the balcony. I immediately jumped to my feet. Alex was walking towards Johnny with a look of rage. A look I had only seen once in the club back in Detroit. “What do you mean you hit her?” He was looking at Johnny, but Johnny didn’t respond. He was probably still in as much shock as I was that Alex showed up in the middle of our conversation. My stomach dropped and I was feeling sick. Alex was now looking at me. “What the fuck is he talking about? When did he fucking hit you?” My hands were now on Alex’s chest trying to calm, comfort, to keep him from Johnny.
“I can explain, but you need to calm down and promise you will listen.” My voice was shaky as I was talking. I looked over my shoulder and Johnny was at the furthest corner of the balcony away, which was only five to six feet from where we stood.
“How the fuck do you expect me to be calm when I walk into a conversation with him saying he hit you?” Alex was looking at me, and his eyes had softened almost with a look of concern on his face. His eyes moved to Johnny and his eyes changed quickly with rage. I needed to fix this because I was to blame for this current situation.
“Move inside and I’ll explain everything.” I was pushing on Alex’s chest to move him back into the house. At first he didn’t move, but finally he took a step back. I turned to Johnny and started to speak. “This is my mess. You can stay here or come in. If you stay here, I wouldn’t blame you.” I was slightly worried Alex would kill him. I’d seen him attack him before, and it took a group of people to pull him off. There was no way I could stop him alone.
“No, I need to be there, so I’ll follow you in.” Johnny looked at me with apologetic eyes, and at that moment I knew he really was sorry and was trying to fix who he was, and I needed to give him a chance instead of holding onto the bitterness I had been harnessing towards him. If he were just going through the motions, there was no way in hell he would be willing to face Alex.
We went inside to the living room area. I placed Alex on a chair and Johnny sat on the couch across the room. I chose to stand for many reasons. One being that I was way too nervous, and the second so that I coul
d jump in front of Alex if he went after Johnny.
There was a tension in the room, and I knew I needed to talk to keep it from building anymore.
“In August, remember when I came back from my run in Portland?” I was looking at Alex, but he was looking at Johnny. Alex didn’t speak, but nodded his head. “I didn’t trip and fall into a tree.” Alex’s eyes shot up. He looked at me and then back at Johnny.
“What the fuck do you mean you didn’t fall into a tree? Did he attack you at the hotel?” Alex rose to his feet. I walked over and placed both hands on his chest. I could feel it heaving up and down with his heart pounding underneath. My heart immediately followed suit.
I heard Johnny’s voice over my shoulder. “Yes and no. I followed her from the hotel, shoved her up against a tree, and hit her.” Johnny was very blunt. I was going to try to lessen the blow a bit, but it didn’t look like it was going to happen. Alex went to push me aside, but I remained in the middle of the two men.
“Look at me.” I was raising my voice. “You said you would listen, so sit and listen.” I was panicked.
“How the fuck do you expect me to sit down? I want to kill him.” Alex took a step back and started to pace and was running his fingers through his hair. “Someone better start talking before I explode.” He looked like a caged animal at the moment. I thought I better start talking.
“In Portland, remember when I came back from my run and I told you I tripped and face planted into a tree?” I didn’t wait for him to acknowledge or respond because I knew he remembered. “I didn’t exactly trip. I mean, I did face plant into the tree with the help of Johnny.” Alex turned and was ready to march over, but I pushed him back as I continued speaking. “We had words—”
Johnny interrupted me. “Actually, I had words. I didn’t let her speak.” I was wishing he would shut the hell up at this point and let me talk. I shot him a look that let him know I wanted to kill him at the moment.
“Anyway, he had words, he hit me. I kneed him in the nuts and went back to the hotel.” I was trying to make it sound like no big deal. “I was going to tell you, but Steve thought you wouldn’t help Johnny if you knew, and I know you wouldn’t, and obviously he needed your help.”
“Steve knew too? Who else knew? I probably look like a fucking idiot helping this son of a bitch and nobody felt the need to tell me.”
“Sam, but don’t be mad at her. She wanted me to tell you the truth. I just couldn’t. Lexi knows, and I just told my dad last week.” I felt ashamed of myself at that moment.
“Did you ever have plans on filling me in or were you waiting on me to be blindsided with this shit?” Alex’s anger was now turning on me and I knew I deserved it.
“I was trying to last week, but I couldn’t get the timing right, and on the plane I told you I wanted to talk and you know where that went. I never thought that we would be dealing with it again ever.” I turned and looked at Johnny, letting him know I wanted to keep this buried, but he didn’t allow it to be any longer.
“You lied. It was a good lie too. I believed you. How many more lies have you told me? Anymore surprises I should know about?” I knew I deserved it, but his words were cutting me.
“Oh my God, no. I hated lying to you, but I did it for you. He is your family, along with Sam and Steve. They are your family, and knowing the truth then would have made you turn your back on him, but he needed you. If you didn’t help and something happened to him, you would have blamed yourself, and I would be to blame.” It was true; as much as I was being selfish lying to him, I did it because I thought he would resent me later if he didn’t help Johnny.
“It’s not her fault. I put her in a bad position. I fucked up and I needed to tell her I was sorry. I need to tell both of you how sorry I am. You and Steve are my only family. I was jealous you found someone and that I was being left all alone. I’ve never been without you guys.” I could hear the words coming from Johnny’s mouth and knew it was true. I was starting to feel bad for him again.
I didn’t know what else to say and everyone remained quiet. Alex kept pacing and Johnny and I both just stared at him. I wanted to run up and place my arms around him, but was scared I’d be rejected, so I didn’t move.
Alex was the first one to speak. “I need to leave and clear my head.” He was looking at Johnny now. “I don’t think I can call you family anymore.” I was shocked at the harshness in Alex’s voice.
“Alex,” I started to talk, but he interrupted and I stopped.
“And you, the woman who preaches truth, I can’t listen to this right now. I need to go someplace and think.” Alex turned and walked out of the room, and a few seconds later, I heard the front door slam. I wanted to cry, but I wasn’t going to cry in front of Johnny. I sank down onto the couch and placed my head into my hands.
Johnny came over and sat next to me. He didn’t touch me. After a short while, he finally spoke. “I know what will help.”
I looked up. “I’m not hungry.” I was thinking he wanted to fix it with food.
“No, come on. Let’s take a walk on the beach.”
I reluctantly got up and followed him down the stairs to a door that led to a small outside deck with wood stairs leading to the beach. Johnny kicked off his shoes and I did the same. We headed down by the water and started walking. At first we walked in silence, and then he started to talk. I heard about his childhood. His dad was an alcoholic and his mother left because of it. He told me how he met Alex and Steve. The more he talked the more I liked him. He was a good person, and Sam was right. If I would just give him a chance I would see it, and I was. At the moment I felt better about what I did, because Alex needed to help him, and I was praying they could fix things.
Johnny was interested in my life, too. He asked questions. I could tell Sam had filled him in on some things, but not a whole lot. I explained my marriage to David, told him about the girls and my parents. We had walked for at least an hour and the sand, smell of the ocean, and conversation made me feel a bit better like he said. I was still worried about Alex and making things right with him.
“I appreciate this, all of it. I never expected you to apologize and I had written you off, but I’m glad I listened to Sam. You are a decent guy, but I think I should get back and fix things with Alex.” Johnny placed his arm around me and led me back towards the stairs.
“He loves you too much to stay angry. Plus, if he is stupid enough to let you go, I could move to Michigan.” We both were laughing and smiling when we reached the steps. When I looked up, I saw Alex sitting in the middle of the steps waiting for us to come back. I was happy to see him, but scared at the same time. The smile on my face dropped when I looked at his emotionless face.
Alex was looking at me. “We need to talk.” He didn’t say anything or even look at Johnny, and he stood and started to walk down the stairs. When he got to me, he took my hand and led me down by the water. When we got there, he sat in the sand and I plopped down next to him. “I talked to Sam and she put things in a different perspective. She put me in your shoes.” I loved Sam more and more. “First, I wasn’t ever really mad at you back there. I mean, I was angry you lied, but I was mad at myself because I didn’t protect you.” Alex tucked his leg under the other and turned to face me. The sun was bright, and made it hard really to look into his eyes. “It’s my job to protect you, and I didn’t stop it from happening. I should have gone with you or I should have made you stay in the room–” I immediately interrupted him.
“You couldn’t have known, and you had issues to hash out with Steve. There were other things more important at the time.”
“That is the thing; there isn’t anything more important than you and the girls. I need you to understand that.” Alex reached over and rubbed his hand across my cheek. I knew he meant it.
“So where did you go?”
“The driveway. I paced back and forth for a while, and then I called Sam, who talked sense into me.” He started to laugh. “She needs a class on ta
ct, but she always seems to tell you how it is, harsh or not.” I immediately smiled, because it was true.
“Hey, you know I love you, right?” I was really looking at him when I said it. “I promise that is the only lie I have ever told you. I feel like a fucking hypocrite and—”
Before I could finish, Alex put his finger to my lip to quiet me. He leaned in and kissed me. I scooted up onto his lap and placed my armed around his neck. When we broke apart, Alex spoke first. “The only way I can get past this is to forgive both of you. I don’t want to forgive him. I want to punch him in the goddamn face, but it won’t fix anything.” I knew this was Sam talking and not Alex.
“I like him,” I immediately said. Alex looked at me and made a slight face. “I had the chance to really talk to him and Sam was right, he is a good guy. As much as he doesn’t want to blame the drugs and alcohol, I can’t see this guy doing what the guy in Portland did.” I wasn’t making an excuse for him. “I understand he wants to own up to everything he did, but if we don’t forgive him he might start using again. He loves you, and I think your forgiveness is what will help keep him clean.” I could tell how he talked about Alex on the walk how much he looked up to him and cared for him.
“I’ll talk to him, and I think you are right. I’m just so pissed off.”
“If I can forgive him, you definitely can, because you are a way better person than I am.” I gave him another kiss before I stood up. I reached down, grabbed his hands, and pulled him up.
