by Izzy Cullen
“Thanks again for letting me come. If you had said no I wouldn’t have blamed you.” There was something about him, something akin to gentleness. If someone had told me this guy and the guy in Portland a few months ago were the same, I never would have believed them. I could now see how addiction could affect people.
“Honestly, I am glad you came. I think you will enjoy it. Be prepared though, because it isn’t even half as warm as LA.”
Johnny slid his coffee cup and muffin plate aside and rested both hands on the table. “Hey, did Alex talk to you about the conversation I had with him?” I didn’t respond, but just shook my head. “I’m surprised he let me come. I don’t think he will ever forgive me for what happened, and I don’t expect him to either. I hurt someone he loves and it is really unforgivable. I told him the only thing keeping me clean right now is what happened. I’m so sorry, but what I did to you was my ultimate low, and I’ve had some really shitty nights.”
“Hey, you need to stop apologizing. I can see you aren’t the same person. I would have written you off before this trip, but I’m glad I gave you a chance to apologize.” I reached over and grabbed his hands in mine.
“Alex told me if I really felt bad that I needed to stay clean and prove it. I want you to know that I intend to do that, and by you letting me come, it has helped relieve a lot of that pressure.” I looked at Johnny, and for a strange reason I felt bad for him. I had so much hatred in me towards him just a few days ago, but looking at him, I felt sympathy for him.
“Well, I’m only going to forgive you if you stop bringing it up. Seriously, it is water under the bridge.” I was serious and meant what I said. I was tired of talking about the topic.
Johnny agreed to let it go and stop bringing it up as long as I understood how awful he would always feel about it. We both acknowledged the other person’s request, and I could see he how remorseful he felt. The rest of the plane ride was uneventful. He taught me to play poker and black jack. I finally understood when to hit, double down, and when to hold back. I knew the concept, but never enough to realize there was a strategy to go along with it. I tried helping him out when I told him what to expect in town and how the town was basically the size of his neighborhood.
I felt like I was sharing the ride with Lexi or Derek. There was never a moment that the silence felt weird. The conversations flowed and the silence was comfortable. I thought back to how I hated this man months ago and compared it to my feelings now. I knew in my heart that I did the right thing by not telling Alex. There would be no friendship between the two men if I had, and I don’t think Johnny could have gotten himself clean.
We finally landed in Green Bay, and Bruce was waiting for us. Like always, he was happy to see me and I was happy to see him. When we got off the jet, he walked over to meet us. I hadn’t told him Alex was staying back and Johnny was taking his place. When Bruce saw Johnny, he seemed a bit stunned. I was thinking my dad had told him what had happened. My dad and Bruce seemed to keep few secrets from each other.
Bruce scooped me up in a hug. “LA must have gotten under your skin. You traded one rocker for a new one?”
I laughed. “Kind of, Alex needed to stay back and take care of some business with a new artist he is signing. Johnny came back with me to keep me company and he was coming for Thanksgiving anyway.”
Johnny finally made his way completely over to us. “Bruce, this is Johnny. Johnny, this is Bruce.”
“It’s very nice to meet you. Everything I’ve heard about you has been great.” Johnny reached out his hand to shake Bruce’s.
Bruce reached out his hand. It looked like he was slightly reluctant to take Johnny’s hand. “I wish I could say the same.”
I let out a small gasp. I was shocked, because Bruce was not known to be rude to anyone.
“I have been an ass and I’m trying hard to make amends.”
“Wait,” I interjected. Johnny didn’t need to feel scrutinized by Bruce, and I was currently feeling really bad for him. “We talked about this on the plane. You are done apologizing.” I then turned to Bruce. “As for you, he is company, and last I checked, we treat company with respect.”
Bruce tipped his ball cap at me. “Yes, ma’am.” Bruce reached over and grabbed my bag out of my hand. “Let’s get this show on the road. We have a dinner to make.” It was already around two in the afternoon, and we still had an hour and a half flight. It would still be a good twenty to thirty minutes before we even left the ground here.
We got all the bags stowed and I had Johnny jump in the back. I normally would have offered for my guest to sit in the front, but after Bruce’s comment I felt it was best for him to sit in the back.
There was small talk on the plane, but Bruce didn’t go out of his way to include Johnny in any of the conversations. I did my best to include him when I could. Johnny didn’t seem too interested in interjecting. I’m sure Johnny felt the vibes coming from Bruce and probably sensed it was best to back off and not push himself into the conversations, or just to be pushy in general.
Once we landed at the airport in town, I saw my dad waiting by the hanger. I was worried, since I hadn’t told him about the change in plans or the fact that Johnny was coming. It was too late to call last night when the decision was made. I figured my dad would treat him worse than Bruce did and I was already feeling bad. As soon as we stopped, I turned to Johnny before I climbed out of the plane.
“I’m sorry.” He looked at me, puzzled. “About my dad, I’m sorry.”
Johnny smiled. “I deserve everything I get, so don’t be sorry.” I reached over and squeezed his hand. I would have said the old Johnny deserved it, but not the guy I was looking at behind me on the plane.
I climbed out and slid off the wing. I waited for Johnny to come out of the plane doorway. My dad was already approaching the plane walking towards me. My dad stopped in his tracks when he saw Johnny emerge from the plane. I was not looking forward to this meeting and was hoping my dad would keep his cool until we had a chance to talk about my visit to LA. I was usually able to reason with my dad, but this was a different situation than what we dealt with in the past.
Johnny slid down and walked up next to me. My dad started moving again. Johnny reached out his hand to shake my dad’s. “It’s nice to meet you, sir. I’m Johnny.” My dad looked at Johnny’s hand and made no attempt to shake it. After a few seconds and seeing my dad was not going to make an attempt to take his hand, Johnny pulled it back.
“Dad,” I said in a stern and almost scolding tone. He looked at me and then back at Johnny.
“I’m Charlie O’Hare, but I’m sure you already knew that.” I was annoyed, but I was pretty certain that was the best and nicest introduction my dad was going to do at the moment. My dad grabbed my bag and started towards the car. I reached over and placed my hand on Johnny’s arm and mouthed I’m sorry again. I was feeling awful. I was wishing I hadn’t shared what had happened with my dad. The only good thing at this moment was my mother didn’t know, so at least one adult he would be meeting tonight would be nice to him. I wasn’t worried about the girls. I was sure they would be putty in his hands by the end of the night.
When we got all the bags in the car and climbed in, my dad spoke first. “Am I dropping him off at Alex’s then?” I wanted to shake my dad at the moment.
“No, stop at my house and I’ll grab my car. I’ll throw my bag inside and take Johnny over to the guesthouse and get him squared away.” I was looking at my dad, actually glaring at him, but he didn’t seem to notice. “We’ll be back at your house for dinner.” My dad finally looked over at me and gave me a look. I knew he didn’t want Johnny over at the house, but since I had put it out there, my dad wasn’t that impolite to revoke the invitation.
“Honestly, it’s not a big deal. I can just make something at Alex’s. I don’t mind.” Johnny was trying to keep things from being awkward, and that frustrated me more.
“No, there is plenty of food. My mom thought Alex wou
ld be here so you can take his spot. Plus, there is no food at Alex’s. He hasn’t been home in weeks. You’ll need to go grocery shopping, and I will take you after school tomorrow.” I was wondering what Alex even had at his house. He was there during the day – well, most days – so there had to be at least some snack food.
“No, you will eat a good meal tonight. Abby invited you and you are her guest.” My dad tried to make it sound nice, but he seemed to make it pretty clear that Johnny was not his guest at his house. I was already dreading the night. I was glad the girls would have so much to say that there wouldn’t be time for any uncomfortable moments at the table.
My dad dropped us off at my house. I was hoping I could figure out a way to pull him aside to talk, but there was no way to do it without it looking obvious. Instead I just went to the front door, unlocking it and placing my bag inside. Johnny piled his bags in the back seat of my car and we headed over to Alex’s house.
“Oh my God, this place really is as beautiful as he said,” Johnny said as we pulled in and got the view of the house with the bluff and lake behind it. I loved this house. Growing up, it was always my favorite house in town.
“I know. Alex is lucky, and this is a great house with the best view in town.” I pulled in front of the guesthouse that was still technically a guesthouse, but the recording studio was now on the main level in place of the living room and bedroom that were down there. The kitchen and a half bath were still on the main level, but the master and full bathroom were upstairs. “Come on, I’ll show you where you will be staying. Are you sure you don’t want to stay in the main house?”
“No, Alex and I can’t live together, believe me. We tried it years ago on several different occasions and the outcome was always the same.” I was picturing all the different meanings behind that statement.
I let Johnny in and let him haul his bags up the steps. I left him time to get somewhat settled. I then walked over to the house to grab the keys to the Jeep. I figured it was easier for Johnny to follow me, and that way he was able to leave my parents whenever he wanted to. I didn’t want him feeling like he had to stay, and giving him a chance to leave when he wanted or felt he needed to would best for everyone.
When we pulled up to my parent’s house, the girls came bolting out the front door. Josie was waiting for the Jeep to pull in and stop while the other girls were running to me. I tried to let Josie know about Alex, but Johnny was parked and out of the Jeep before I could. Josie stared up at Johnny and then ran over to me. Lily, on the other hand, walked over to Johnny and immediately started questioning him and talking. While she was busy doing that, I explained to Josie where Alex was and hugged and kissed her as much as I could.
Lily finally managed to allow us to walk into the house for dinner. My mother was placing bowls on the table and a bottle of wine. I quietly walked over, took the wine off the table, and placed it back in the wine fridge.
“What are you doing?” My mother was questioning me, and I wasn’t sure how to respond without making Johnny feel awkward.
My dad walked into the room and answered for me. “We have company and our company doesn’t drink.” I was thinking I could have explained it nicer, but my mother didn’t question it. She went to the fridge and grabbed ice tea and milk in place of the wine.
“It’s okay. You can have your wine with dinner. I am fine in this type of setting and having alcohol around.” I was feeling bad again for Johnny, and I knew I would be feeling like this a lot the next few weeks on his behalf.
My mother walked over to Johnny and gave him a hug. This shocked me, but lately my mother was doing a lot of things I felt were out of character for her. I knew Alex shared stories about the guys and Sam with her. She knew he had recently been in rehab.
“I’m Julia, and you must be Johnny. It’s nice to meet you finally.” At least someone was going to be nice to him.
The girls were tugging on me to show me some crafts they made. I looked over at my mother and Johnny to see if I should leave them. I saw Johnny make a motion with his hand for me to go. Currently my mother was starting a conversation about her meatloaf.
I looked at all the crafts the girls made and was happy they had a good time. They, of course, were asking if I brought them anything. I told them they would have to wait until we got home. I told them Alex would be back Saturday night with Sam, and the girls were excited. They loved Sam, even though they had only spent a short time with her. Something about Sam drew people in and made you want her around.
I tried to steal a minute with my dad, but he made sure the girls were around. I was sensing he was upset with me, and I was pretty sure it was due to the fact I blindsided him with Johnny.
I heard my mom call us all to dinner. Johnny sat in Alex’s seat across the table from me and next to my mother and Josie. My parents both set at opposite ends of the rectangular table. Jasmine insisted on saying grace before we ate. The girls spent a lot of time asking Johnny questions about his life, California, and the ocean. Johnny was a great sport, but my dad ended it by telling the girls he had enough. My mother looked at him, shocked. After that, dinner was pretty quiet. My girls had never really heard my dad get upset or be stern with them. Thanks to that moment, it left an uncomfortable feeling over the whole dinner. My mother tried to continue the conversations, but nobody seemed to respond back.
The end of dinner didn’t seem to come soon enough. The girls and Johnny cleared the plates and placed them in the kitchen. They asked if they could show him their scooters. The temperatures were dropping, so I made them bundle up before heading outside.
When they left, I turned to my dad. “Could you be any ruder?” I was upset and embarrassed by his behavior.
“He’s lucky I even let him step foot in this house.” I could see he was upset, and I knew he wouldn’t let the Portland incident go so easily.
“What am I missing? What is going on?” I didn’t want to get into it with my mom and explain things again. I wanted this all to be put to rest.
“Nothing, dad and I need to talk.” I was feeling bad because we kept my mom in the dark a lot, but this was for the best.
“Fine, I’ll get the girls packed up and down to the house. I’ll do baths. That should give you time to talk.” I gave my mom a look of thanks.
“It won’t take long. I’ll be there for stories and to tuck them in.” I walked over and hugged my mother.
The three of us worked on cleaning of the rest of the table and scraping plates to place in the dishwasher. When the girls finally entered the house, their noses were bright red. “I see that it is getting colder out.”
“I know. Johnny said he couldn’t take it anymore and that he needed to get warmer clothes, so he left to go to Alex’s.” Lily was blowing hot air into her cupped hands.
“Come on, I’ll take you home for a warm bath while your mom and papa clean up.” My mom was walking over to the coat hook to grab her jacket. The girls turned and raced out the door, and when I looked out, there was a three way fight for the front seat. I kept watching and saw that nobody won. My mother just placed them all in the backseat.
I then turned to my dad, knowing the conversation had to start or Thanksgiving was going to be an uncomfortable mess. “I get why you hate him. I honestly hated him too, until I finally talked to him.” I was hoping my dad was really hearing me out. “He is actually a good guy.”
“No. No good guy hits a woman.” My dad placed both hands on the bar, gripping the sides tightly. He had a point, and it would be hard to change his position on his feelings for Johnny.
“You know how you tell me I can’t hold what some of the guys say at the pub against them?” I didn’t wait for a response. “You have always told me it’s not them, it’s the booze talking.” My dad was shaking his head, I think because he felt this was different. “Dad, it was more than booze on his end. It was cocaine and whatever else he could put in his system.” I paused briefly before I started talking again. “I wanted to hate him.
I did hate him, but then I really talked to him. The guy in Portland is not this guy.” I stopped talking. I needed to check my voice. I was almost begging my dad to like him.
“Do you know how hard it is to look at someone who has hit your child? I hope you never have to be in my position with those girls.” I hated how he was turning the tables against me. “The last thing I want to do is be nice to him, and I can’t believe Alex allowed him to come here. Allowed him to share our family holiday and the fact that he forgave him. It makes me question Alex.” I had to jump in and stop this. I had to defend Alex now along with Johnny.
“Alex wanted to kill him, but Alex also knows he is a good guy.” I wasn’t sure what I could say to change my dad’s mind. “You have always taught me about forgiveness and second chances. This is his second chance. He is just starting his sobriety and he needs help. Turning our backs on him won’t help anyone.” I walked over to my dad’s side. “If Bruce started using and did something awful, could you turn him away, knowing that it wasn’t his true character and knowing the good guy you have always known was in there someplace?” I stopped talking, and there was a long silence before my dad spoke.
“I’ll start being nicer, but he has to prove to me he is a nice guy.” At this point, I was feeling like this was a victory on my end. I reached over and hugged my dad. He lightly kissed me on the top of the head. “Now go home, those girls missed you like crazy.” I said my goodbyes and grabbed my jacket as I was heading out the door.
When I got there, the girls were getting their hair braided by my mother. The twins already had books picked out and holding them on their laps. My mom finished up and kissed the girls good night. She gave me a hug, but never asked what anything was about. I figured she would be questioning my dad when she got home.
I agreed to let the girls all sleep with me. I don’t usually do that, but knew they needed some time and I missed them. We all crawled into my bed and I read until they fell asleep. I was feeling exhausted too, but dragged myself to take a shower. When I was done, I crawled back into bed and was out.
