by Randy Dyess
It dawned on Mark Bill had said John was laid off from his job. “They lay off lawyers?” Mark asked. “He never said anything.”
Bill answered, “The thing no one knew was that John was laid off a few years ago at the start of the recession. Apparently he was too proud to say anything about the layoff or let anyone know he no longer had a source of income. He never changed his lifestyle, thinking he would get his clients back and get hired back on by the firm. Susan said they spent everything they saved trying to look like nothing was wrong. They burned through their savings, the kids’ college funds, and even their retirement funds. It wasn’t until they ran out of money six months ago and the banks started taking back everything that John realized it was too late to change anything. By that time, they had nothing to sell to even keep their small condo in Colorado. But even during the repossessions and collection harassment calls, John would not accept any job he felt was beneath him. He was too proud to take anything just to keep some money coming in.”
“Couldn’t he find another job at another law firm? He was very experienced and good at his job,” Mark commented.
“That was one of the problems,” Bill said. “Apparently a lot of lawyers lost their jobs and no one wanted to hire experienced lawyers unless they had a client list to justify their large salaries. John lost all his clients when WorldComm, Praxius, and DigiWorld went belly up. He didn’t have any clients and after the large rounds of layoffs in the computer world he lost all the contacts he had built up all those years. None of the replacements or the survivors in those companies knew him and wanted to use him or they already had their own ‘hotshot’ lawyer. He lost his job and his ability to find another job all at the same time. He would have survived with some of his stuff intact if he had cut his salary requirements and taken a job, but who wants to do that. I don’t know if I would. Would you want to throw away years of work and take a lower-level job at a fraction of the pay, even if someone would hire you?”
Another one of Mark’s friends replied, “I see your point. At our age we are too old and too experienced to go back down the ladder to a safer job. Companies won’t hire us because they think as soon as the economy improves, we would be out the door for something better and they are right about that. It would also be a hard to give up the benefits we’ve gotten used to over the years.”
Mark thought to himself, “I wonder if this is going to be a problem at Plains? Will they give me an architect’s role at my current salary when most architects make less? Is my knowledge really that valuable to them?” He kept turning this worry over and over in his mind as everyone else continued talking.
“Susan told me their marriage was just about over. Losing his job and not being able to find another one which would allow him to keep up his current lifestyle took a huge toll on John. She wanted him to start selling off everything more than a year ago, but he wouldn’t listen. She said they argued over everything and he was not the same person the last few years. She didn’t understand why he was being so stubborn. They could have replaced all of the stuff again in a few years when the economy got better and he was able to find a new job. She even tried to get him to ‘dummy’ down his résumé and take a lower paying job somewhere. He just wouldn’t listen and kept saying ‘I’m supposed to take care of my family. I should be man enough to provide you with the best and not make you live in an apartment and drive a used car just because I can’t find something. I’m sure something is just around the corner with the latest feelers I’ve sent out. We’ll be living the high-life again soon, you’ll see. We are not poor people and never will be. We’re better than that.’ His pride basically drove them into the ground and left their marriage a shambles after all those months of rejections and disappointment.”
“He always was a proud man,” Mark said and then added, “like I’m or anyone else at this table is any different. I wouldn’t put it past any of us to do the same things and wind up in the same boat.”
“Yea, but what’s pride have to do with it when someone starts prepossessing everything you own. Susan said it shattered him when the foreclosure letter on their house came and he couldn’t find a way out of the mess. She thinks he snapped and broke inside. In fact, the cops found the letter in his hands when they pulled the body out of the car.”
“All that energy wasted over stuff he could have replaced when things started getting better. What is everyone thinking when you have a great family and you fall apart over losing a few items you could replace when you made it again,” Andrew said. He thought John was just weak. Andrew had gone through several bankruptcies as he built his current company from the ground up. He sold cars, houses, and borrowed against everything he could think of to start TechWeb. He even talked his parents into mortgaging their houses to help him survive the current downturn. It never occurred to him he would fail and not find another way out. Starting over multiple times was the way things were done in America. You pushed the envelope and if you failed, you simply picked up the pieces and tried again. There was always money out there for those who knew how to get it. Anyone could become rich and those who couldn’t were either stupid or lazy. He thought nothing could stop the American juggernaut and he was willing to bet everything he had and everything his parents had to prove his belief.
The gang silently drank the rest of their drinks wondering if something like what John had gone through would affect them the same way. They all hoped they would never have to find out. One-by-one, they set their glasses down and stood up. They shook hands and went home to their separate lives. The golf game forgotten by everyone as they left. As it turned out for Mark, last week’s golf game would be his last golf game.
Mark was half way home when it occurred to him that during the whole conversation he was more worried about his future than the death of one of his friends. “What am I turning into when a close friend dies and all I care about is me? John and Susan were good friends and I didn’t even ask Bill how Susan was holding up or how the kids were doing. Is this life I’m leading worth this? Am I turning out to be a heartless bastard like the C-Levels guys I always make fun of?” It wasn’t until Mark realized he didn’t think about his family either during the whole conversation at the club. The entire time his own thoughts were on how he would handle something like that. Not how his family would be affected if Mark lost his job or something more serious happened.
Mark had to pull over to a local park since he was too shaken up by his realization he had turned out to be a corporate SOB. More worried about his own self-preservation to even care about one of his best friends or his family during a time like this. He tried to tell himself he was just in shock after learning of John’s death and he wasn’t really that bad. But deep down he knew he really didn’t feel anything for John and Susan. He also knew he was so selfish his family’s needs didn’t even come into the picture when he created his goals and desires. To him, John and Susan were just people he hung out with because they had all the cool toys and a life Mark envied. He had known them for over twenty years and John was one of his best friends. Mark knew he was so self-centered he didn’t really care about them as people. They were a way to enjoy life at a level he couldn’t afford. As he thought about the selfish things he had done over the years, Mark became ashamed of himself. He couldn’t even come up with an answer why his family didn’t even come into the picture during his earlier discussion. He knew it was wrong to treat his wife and kids like they were something he was supposed to have and not like they were something he wanted. As he sat there in the park, he went over all the times he had gotten mad at Kelly or the kids. He realized he didn’t get mad because they did something wrong. He got mad because he thought they prevented him from doing something he wanted to do. Most of those desires were stupid and selfish and would have only given him pleasure for a moment or make him look successful in front of his friends and neighbors. They were not desires to better his or his family’s lives.
Mark sat there and wondered what had go
ne so wrong in his life. He had gone from this caring kid with a lot of friends in high school and college, to a career-driven bastard. He no longer thought about how things would affect his families’ goals and wellbeing, but only his goals. He wondered if it was too late to change things before he died and no one else really cared. One of those people who had a funeral and no one but immediate family came. He wondered if Cheyenne and Dakota would even come if they had a choice. He knew then he needed to make big changes in his life. He did not want to be one of those people who gave so much to their job but didn’t get anything back from the job but a salary. Someone who died and would say on their deathbed, “I should have spent more time with my family. The money wasn’t worth it in the long run.”
As he completed his drive home, all Mark could think of was how he would tell Kelly the news. He also had a strong desire to hug his kids as soon as he hit the door. Mark knew he needed to start thinking about how he was going to change his life around so his family became the priority they should always have been.
Chapter 4
Mark walked in the door a half hour later and the first thing he asked Kelly was, “Where are the kids?”
“You know they go over to my mom’s each Saturday until we get home. Why? What’s wrong?”
“I just wanted to give them a big hug.”
“What?” Kelly thought they were not really a hugging family. “Why are you home from the club so early? Did something happen?”
“Kelly, I don’t know how to say this, but John Anderson committed suicide last night. I found out from Bill at the club today. We never got around to playing any golf, just had a quick drink and came home.”
“What? Why? John and Susan always seemed so happy? Was he sick?”
Mark went on to explain the marriage and financial troubles John was having and how he lost everything in the end and just couldn’t take it. After going through the whole story, Kelly said, “I wonder if the same thing could happen to us.”
“You know. That was the one of the first things that came to my mind as well. The whole time Bill was talking about John the only thing going through my mind was, ‘What if I was in his situation?’ I realized on the way home I never asked how Susan and the kids where holding up. I mean John was supposed to be one of my oldest friends and it didn’t bother me he committed suicide and was dead. It bothered me I might be the same way in his situation. The thought about where we would stay when we went skiing this year now and couldn’t use John’s condo actually crossed my mind once. I played golf with the man for over twenty years. We’ve been to their house dozens of times for parties. We’ve spent Holidays with them and gone on vacations together. We were even their when Amber and Jared were born and not once at the club did I even think about anyone but myself. Someone I knew very well killed himself and the only thoughts I had were about how it would affect me and not him and his family.”
Mark looked down with sad eyes and continued, “While I was driving home I realized I have become a selfish person. I mean the whole time we were talking at the club all my thoughts were about me.” He looked Kelly in the eye at this point, “Not about my family, but about me. I didn’t even include you or the kids in my thoughts today and when I thought about it more, I don’t include my family in many of my thoughts. I am so self-centered I do not even think about you or the kids when I want to do something.”
Kelly just let him go on and get it out of his system. The whole time he was talking she was seeing herself saying the same things. She ended up wondering if she was just as horrible as Mark thought he was.
I’m sick of the person I have become. Money. Money. Money. Bigger house, fancier cars, stuff we don’t even use cluttering every spare inch of this place. I can’t even feel anything for someone I thought was a good friend. I am such a selfish bastard I only care about my possessions and nothing else? I wonder if I would even feel bad if my parents died or you or the kids died. I might be sad but would it dramatically affect my life over the years or would I go on the way I was. Would I mourn for a few days and then get my golf gear and head out in order to ‘clear my head’? When did I become so cold-hearted a death of someone close to me doesn’t affect me? I used to have good friends in high school and college. I knew everything they did. We laughed, cried, got angry together and now I am just one of those ‘sideline’ friends who is only there because they have been around for so long. I never really extend myself to anyone anymore. I don’t think I have a true friend in the world outside of you. It has been ages since I have seen my brothers and sister and I don’t really know anything about their lives. When was the last time we went to the farm and saw your grandmother? She used to really enjoy us coming around and staying with her. I guess we just got too ‘uppity’ to stay in her little farm house. I’m sure she misses us.”
Mark went on, “I work with over a hundred people and besides knowing their names. I know nothing else about them. I know they’ve told me about their family members, hobbies, and other stuff that is important to them. I just blow it off and wondered when they would stop gabbing and get back to work. Those people only mean one thing to me and that is how well they do their jobs. I could be working with someone who is considered the nicest person in the world and I wouldn’t even know it. I never spend any time with anyone at work. I don’t even go out to eat with them. I always claim I have a meeting and can’t spare the time. I’m so involved in my work I miss the fact that I am a human and all the other humans around me are just as important as I am. I seriously doubt any of them would shed a tear if I died or I would ever hear from them if they left the company or I left the company. In fact, I know I wouldn’t because I have never kept in touch with anyone I have worked with in the past. They are not useful to me with my career at Plains, so I stopped talking to them.”
“I don’t think you are a ‘sideline’ friend,” Kelly interrupted. “We spent a lot of time with John and Susan over the years and all of us had a great time. Besides grandma moved out of that house a long time ago and lives in the senior center in town.”
Mark continued, “Would we have done so if the situations were reversed and we had all the latest toys they had? Would we have been so generous with our personal life? I don’t see us letting your sister and her kids swim in our pool or take our season tickets when we can’t make the game. Did we just use the Anderson’s because they had better crap than we did? Before you reply, think about all the friends we both have had over the years we no longer see. The ones that are not ‘like’ us because they do not have big houses, fancy cars, or can’t afford to go to expensive restaurants. Hell, you can eat for free at any restaurant your company owns and we never invited anyone we thought was ‘beneath’ us to any meals. Are we just snobs?”
At this point Kelly was getting mad. “What are you accusing me of?”
“I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m accusing me of being a snob who doesn’t want to hang around with people I think I’m better than. Like I’m really better than anyone else we know. Here I am thinking that I’m all high and mighty and I just realize that I’m actually poorer than most of the people I know.”
“What do you mean, ‘Poorer than everyone else’? We have a very nice house, great cars, and everything we need or want. We even took both of our parents to Europe with us last summer.”
“Yes, but we only did it so we could show them how successful we were. Once we were there, we really didn’t spend a lot of time with them, did we? They went their way with the kids. I played golf at every place I could find and you went to every spa you found. We didn’t care if none of our parents like those sorts of things and didn’t want to join us. We went anyway. We took them to watch the kids while we pampered ourselves, didn’t we?
Mark was on a roll and Kelly let him continue without voicing her doubts about his statements. “Think about how poor we actually are. Do we actually own anything? The house has a couple of mortgages and the banks wouldn’t think twice about taking it away
from us if we miss a few payments. The cars are leased and when both leases are up, do you think we can renew them if we didn’t have our current jobs? Our new furniture has a payment plan. They repossess furniture too, you know. We are also loaded with credit card debt. We keep no available credit for emergencies. What would happen if we had a severe emergency and couldn’t get another mortgage or loan like we did last year when we went to Europe? Even if we did own this house we pay almost $1,000 a month in home owner’s fees .If we didn’t pay, the association would foreclose on us. They would take the house away to pay for the back fees just like they did to the soldier who was in Iraq. His wife couldn’t pay the $500 in back HOA fees because of a medical emergency and they foreclosed on his house while he was fighting in Iraq. All for about $500 in back fees! Come on, they take away a soldier’s house who was on the front lines fighting for our country and we don’t think anything like that could ever happen to us. They foreclosed on his house with no compassion for a few hundred dollars of fees he owed a home owners association. What do you think they will do with our house? Why would we ever live in a place that would do that?”
Mark went on, “You remember my cousin Peter? We used to hang around with him and his family all the he time until we ‘made it’. I ran into Aunt Mary the other day. She went on and on about how Peter had bought a house with cash and fixed it up so it looks wonderful. She said he has rebuilt at least ten cars and donated them to some people at his church who had lost their cars after losing their jobs. Mary said almost fifty people come to his shop each weekend to restore cars for members of the church and last month they rebuilt two houses for some elderly people. All organized by Peter. When Peter had surgery last year, over three hundred people stopped by and wished him well. I mean, do I even know three hundred people, let alone three hundred people who cared about me enough to visit me in the hospital after surgery? I bet I would be lucky to see four people besides you and the kids and all four of them would be my parents and your parents. While I was talking to Aunt Mary all I could talk about was my job, our vacation to Europe and our new cars. I didn’t even mention the kids in the whole conversation. Kinda sad compared to Peter, huh? How pathetic is it I didn’t think of my own kids while talking to one of my own aunts. I bragged about my car but not my kids. The truth is I really do not know enough about what they do in order to brag on them like everyone else. I’m a sorry friend, a pathetic father, and a sad person. ”
