‘Well, I think you should,’ the doctor said briskly. ‘Contact me if there’s anything more you’d like to ask. Otherwise we must make plans for your antenatal care. Come in and see me next week.’
‘Yes,’ Jo said meekly and put down the telephone. Her head was spinning from the news. Next week! She should be packing for college and saying goodbye to her friends. Next week was the start of a new, exciting future ... Jo felt a wave of nausea flood through her and rushed for the bathroom, retching into the rose-pink toilet bowl. This could not be happening to her! she thought in distress. A pregnancy was the last thing she needed: it would ruin everything. But the thought of whose baby she was carrying made her feel even worse. It must be Gordon’s. She had thought she was rid of him, but now this had happened to spite her again. How could she possibly tell Mark?
Jo slumped to the floor, burying her face in her hands, and sobbed uncontrollably. Try as she might, she could not stop crying. When she heard her father coming back in ten minutes later, she made a huge effort to pull herself together, dousing her swollen face in cold water and wiping at her smudged mascara. She knew she must get out of the flat and go to Marilyn’s, for she was sure her friend suspected and had been trying to talk to her about it a few days before. But her father took one look at her and stopped her.
‘What in the world’s the matter?’ he asked anxiously. Jo’s attempt at a smile disintegrated. ‘Was it something you heard from the doctor’s?’ He was gripping her by the arm and steering her into a chair before she could protest. ‘Tell me, Joanne. Are you ill? They wouldn’t tell me. What did he say?’
‘No, Dad, I’m not ill,’ Jo reassured him, alarmed by his reaction.
‘What then?’ he demanded.
Jo hung her head, feeling tears of shame and anger at her situation welling up again. ‘I can’t tell you,’ she whispered.
Suddenly he was putting his arms about her shaking shoulders and hugging her to him, stroking her hair like he used to do if she’d skinned her knees or had a nightmare as a child. ‘Don’t be daft, you can tell me,’ he encouraged gently. ‘Whatever it is, we’ll face it together, like we always have.’
‘Not this,’ Jo wept into his shoulder. ‘You’ll hate me for this.’
‘Never,’ Jack insisted. ‘No matter how bad it is, I’d never turn me back on you, pet.’
She looked at him, still fearing his reaction. ‘I’ve ruined me life,’ she said unhappily. ‘I’m pregnant.’
He looked at her blankly for a moment and then she saw his jaw tighten. ‘Oh, lass!’ he cried.
‘I’m sorry, Dad,’ she said, feeling the burden of having let him down.
‘Does Mark know?’ he asked in a strained voice. Jo shook her head. ‘Well, he sharp will!’ Jack declared. ‘He’ll face up to his responsibilities.’
Jo felt panic flood her. ‘It’s not his fault,’ she blurted out. Her father gave her a sharp look. ‘I mean, it was an accident,’ she stammered. ‘Don’t be hard on him.’
Jack sighed. ‘Well, don’t think you’re the first. There’re plenty of marriages have begun by jumping the starting gun.’
Jo looked at him. ‘Marriage?’ she echoed uncomfortably. ‘Dad, I’m not sure about that. It’s all a bit of a shock. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. Dr Samson said to go and see him next week to discuss it.’
‘Discuss what?’ Jack said sharply. ‘It seems perfectly straightforward from where I’m standing. You’re not thinking of getting rid…?’ His look was appalled. He stood up, agitated, and ran a hand through his thinning hair. ‘Listen to me,’ he ordered. ‘You’ve decided you’re grown-up enough to go having a relationship with that lad, and this is the result. Maybe it’s unplanned, but that’s the risk you both took. I can’t pretend I’m happy about it, but it’s happened. You can’t just think about your own future. No, there’s someone else involved: your future bairn, my grandbairn. By heck! You’ll give it the best start in life you can.’ He glared at her. ‘And in my eyes that means marrying that Duggan lad sharpish!’
Jo flinched, an image of Gordon floating like a spectre before her eyes. But of course her father meant Mark. Poor Mark! she thought guiltily. The trouble was being heaped at his feet when none of it was his doing. Whatever her father said, she would not allow him to be bullied into marriage because of her mistake. She would have to find the courage to tell him the truth. For a fleeting moment she felt a malicious stab of revenge. What if she should force Gordon to marry her because of the baby? But as soon as she thought it, she discounted such an outcome. No doubt Gordon would deny all responsibility. Then, to her surprise, Jo realised for the first time that she did not want to be tied to Mark’s older brother. It would be a disastrous, loveless marriage. She could imagine him turning out as callous as Matty, treating her with the contempt Norma received. Jo shuddered at such a vision.
‘I’ll talk to Mark about it,’ she promised. ‘Just let me do it in me own way, Dad.’
For twenty-four hours she avoided Mark, as she struggled with her own feelings. Marilyn was the only friend she confided in about her guilty secret, but even there Jo did not find the help she sought. To her dismay her old friend seemed to be annoyed that she was spoiling their start at college together.
‘I’d guessed as much,’ Marilyn told her. ‘Honestly, Jo! I was really looking forward to us going away together, but now…!’ Jo gave her a desperate look. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, but it’s so disappointing. I always told you that Gordon Duggan was trouble.’
‘Don’t mention him!’ Jo winced. ‘Please don’t tell − you’re the only one who knows about him.’
Marilyn gave her a wary look. ‘Are you going to tell Mark?’
Jo felt sick with dread. ‘Aye, I’ll have to, it’s only fair. I can’t let him think the bairn’s his.’
‘Why not?’ said Marilyn. ‘It might be kinder. You know how much bad feeling there is between him and his brother.’
‘I know,’ Jo said unhappily, wondering what on earth she should do.
Unable to stand her father’s badgering to ‘have it out with the lad’, she went in search of Mark. She found him down at Ivy’s, filling her coal hod from the bunker in the yard. The look of relief on his face at seeing her made her heart ache. She refused Ivy’s offer of a cup of tea and asked Mark to walk with her. They made their way along the rough track beside the railway line and Jo broke the news of her pregnancy.
At first Mark just gawped at her in disbelief. He seemed stunned, and Jo waited for his astonishment to turn to suspicion. She felt leaden inside. But instead of questions or recriminations, he hugged her excitedly. ‘By, that’s a bit quick,’ he laughed. ‘But it changes things, doesn’t it? Don’t look so worried, Jo. I’ll marry you, of course. You know I will. A bairn, eh!’
Jo paled. ‘Mark, stop…’
‘What’s wrong? Is it the thought of not going to college?’ he asked in concern. ‘I know how much it meant to you, but maybes you could still do the course somewhere local. Once the baby comes Ivy would help you out and your dad, and Pearl. Or maybe I could find a job back on land −’
‘Stop it!’ Jo cried. ‘Listen to me!’ She was shaking with distress. ‘There’s something I’ve got to tell you and I don’t know how.’ She looked at him helplessly.
He watched her warily now. ‘Go on,’ he said, stepping back.
Jo took a deep breath, knowing how much it was going to hurt him. ‘Dr Samson says I’m at least two months pregnant.’ She looked at him while the news sank in. Mark struggled to compose his features and she saw a flicker of anger in his dark eyes.
‘So the bairn’s not mine,’ he said quietly. Jo felt her chin tremble and shook her head, unable to speak. His shoulders sagged as if weighted down with disappointment. ‘That lad you went out with before me, then?’ he asked. ‘It’s his?’ Jo nodded. ‘Does he know?’ Mark frowned.
‘No,’ Jo rasped. ‘And I’ll not tell him. That’s all over. He wouldn’t want me or the baby. And I don’t want him.’
/>
‘What do you want, Jo?’ Mark demanded, his eyes blazing with some emotion she could not fathom.
‘I don’t know,’ she whispered, her thoughts in turmoil. ‘I need time to get used to what’s happened.’ She saw his bleak look and stretched out her hand to touch him. ‘The last thing I want is to hurt you,’ she said, ‘but I know I’ve already done that.’
She saw the brightness in his eyes as he denied the pain she’d inflicted on him. ‘I’ll not be the one to judge you for making a mistake you regret; I’ve made enough in me time.’ He gave her a rueful look. ‘But do you want to keep the baby?’
Jo gulped. Like him she was already thinking of it as a baby and not just a pregnancy. In the short time she had known about its existence, its potential for life, she had already projected ahead, visualising a child in her arms. The idea scared her, and yet deep inside she experienced a small thrill. She would be someone’s mother, able to lavish on them the love that she had been cheated of by her mother’s premature death. Mark’s direct question made her see that quite clearly.
‘Aye, I do,’ she admitted.
Mark’s eyes shone as he forced himself to say, ‘Maybes I care for you more than you do for me, Jo. But if you want me, I’d still marry you. My feelings for you aren’t changed just because the bairn isn’t mine though I wish it was,’ he said fervently. ‘I’d treat it like me own; care for you both, if you’d let me.’
Jo was overwhelmed by his compassion and forgiveness. What was the point in hurting him further by telling him who the real father was? she thought with relief. He had shown that her past was not important and had never pressed her to know the identity of her former lover. If she accepted Mark’s offer to stand by her, no one else apart from Marilyn need ever know that he was not the father, she assured herself. Her mistake with Gordon could be turned into something positive. She would probably have married Mark in time anyway, she reasoned, and her career in teaching would just be delayed, not abandoned for ever.
She reached out quickly to embrace him, a sob catching in her throat. ‘You’re so good to me, Mark!’ she cried gratefully. ‘I don’t deserve you.’ Tears began to stream down her face. She felt his comforting arms go around her, holding her tight in his strong embrace.
‘You’ll marry me then?’ he insisted.
‘Aye, let’s get wed,’ she said impulsively, and was gladdened by his broad smile of pleasure. She lifted her lips to his and he kissed her hard and long, until her tears stopped and she felt filled with courage to face what lay ahead.
Chapter Eleven
It was hard waving Marilyn off at Central Station in Newcastle. Jo felt her emotions see-sawing all day between regret at not going with her friend and sudden excitement at the thought of why she was not going. There was life growing within her and she and Mark were planning their future together. Hasty decisions had been made all week. Jo had pulled out of her course and Mark had decided not to go back to sea. He had already applied for a job with a local removal firm and was having an interview at that very moment. Arrangements for a December wedding were underway, when Colin would be home, and Marilyn and Brenda had agreed to be bridesmaids.
‘Have a good time for me too,’ Jo said, hugging her friend and trying not to cry.
‘I will,’ Marilyn said, in tears at the thought of starting out alone.
‘And you’ll come back for the fitting next month?’ Jo urged.
‘Only if your studies allow,’ interrupted Mary Leishman.
‘I’ll try,’ Marilyn assured her friend. ‘You take care of yourself.’ Jo nodded; neither of them could speak any more. Marilyn climbed hastily on board the train where her father had stowed her cases and kissed him goodbye. Her mother burst into tears as they waved at the departing train. Jo felt suddenly bereft.
‘You should’ve been on there with our Marilyn,’ Mary said reproachfully, mopping her face with a scented handkerchief. ‘It’ll be hard for her not knowing anyone.’
‘I know.’ Jo flushed. ‘And it’s hard for me not going.’
Mary humphed. ‘Pity you didn’t think about that before you went getting into trouble with that Duggan boy. I thought you would’ve had more sense – a lass with your brains.’
Jo felt angry and humiliated that Marilyn’s mother was still telling her off at the age of nineteen. She was thankful Mark was not there to hear her unkind words.
‘I’m not in trouble!’ Jo protested. ‘I’m happy to be having this baby, not ashamed. And Mark’s happy too. It’s what we want.’
‘That’s right,’ Mr Leishman said, patting them both on the back. ‘Our Marilyn will be fine. Now we’ve got shopping to do.’ He smiled awkwardly at Jo and quickly steered his wife under the vast archway into the bustling city.
Jo wished their other friends had not been at work, for now she felt totally alone. She should have let the Leishmans see Marilyn off by themselves. It was obvious they resented her presence, but her friend had asked her to go. Jo wandered out into the blustery streets and walked aimlessly along to the high-level bridge. She looked out over the murky River Tyne and the snaking railway line heading south, then to the distant cranes of Wallsend, and was overwhelmed with doubt. What had she done? she panicked. Mary Leishman was right: she had thrown her future away and that was why she had reacted so angrily to the woman’s slights. She put her head down on her arms and tried to stem the panic that rose within. This feeling would pass, she told herself firmly. There was no point regretting the past; she must fix her mind on the future and being a mother.
Mark must have guessed how she would be feeling, for he came round to the pub at afternoon closing time and took her out for tea. He was full of excitement at having got the job. ‘I start Monday and I’m going to take me PSV so I can drive the vans an’ all.’ Jo was heartened by his enthusiasm, though the money would not be enough to buy them a house of their own. She would carry on at the pub as long as possible and save to buy things for the baby. ‘We can rent a Tyneside flat to begin with,’ Mark suggested, squeezing her hand. ‘Being together is what matters.’
After that day, Jo’s optimism returned, and gradually her sickness lessened. Her spirits rose further when Pearl came home. She had longed to see her aunt again and yet had feared her disapproval of the mess she had created. But Pearl was quick to reassure her.
‘Doesn’t matter what others say, as long as you and Mark are happy,’ she said stoutly.
‘I thought Dad would’ve been really mad at me for ruining me chance of going to college,’ Jo confided. ‘But it was the opposite. He wouldn’t hear of me giving up the baby; said he’d disown me if I did. I’ve never seen him so upset.’
Pearl looked thoughtful. ‘Well, it was probably just the shock…’
‘Do you think I’m doing the right thing?’ Jo asked quietly.
Pearl put her arm around her niece. ‘Mark’s a good lad; he’s right for you. It’s always struck me how close you were as bairns. It might not be the start you were looking for, but I know you’ll both make the best of it. You’re young, but you’ll make canny parents, I’m sure of that.’
Jo felt a wave of gratitude towards her aunt. ‘Thanks for saying that,’ she smiled.
Pearl kissed her head. ‘But promise me one thing.’
‘What?’ Jo asked.
‘Don’t give up the idea of becoming a teacher for ever,’ she answered. ‘Lasses of your generation should expect more from life than just a home and family. Besides, I might be around more to help out when the baby comes.’
‘Really?’ Jo looked at her in surprise.
‘Yes,’ Pearl smiled. ‘I’m thinking of retiring from stewarding. It’s a young person’s job, all the travelling. I’ve seen all the places I want to see; now I fancy a bit more time at home. Especially now you’re going to make me a great-aunt; that makes me feel old!’
‘Never!’ Jo cried. ‘You’ll always be young in my eyes, Auntie Pearl. But I’d love you to come home for good. Does Dad know?’
‘Not yet,’ she admitted.
‘Oh, he’ll be dead pleased,’ Jo assured her. ‘He’s been checking on your flat daily − like a pining dog.’
‘That surprises me,’ Pearl laughed. ‘But then that’s his job; he is the caretaker.’
‘You know it’s more than that,’ Jo replied. She gave her aunt a searching look. ‘Is there any chance of you two…?’ She saw Pearl colour. ‘How about a double wedding?’ she teased.
Pearl seemed quite flustered by the idea. ‘Not with your dad! It’s never been like that between us two,’ she insisted. ‘Jack doesn’t feel about me in that way. No, we’re just good friends for each other, that’s all.’
Jo thought she detected regret in her aunt’s voice. ‘Pity,’ she said. ‘It would get him out of my hair.’ Pearl laughed and swiftly changed the subject.
***
The next few weeks were spent viewing flats and making arrangements for the winter wedding. Jo was thankful to have Pearl at home, for they went together on shopping trips and Jo sought her advice on where to live. Mark’s enthusiasm about the baby was infectious and she enjoyed his protective concern for her health. It was as if he had forgotten his disappointment that the baby was not his. A month after Marilyn had gone away, Jo had overcome her envy at her friend’s new life and was enjoying the anticipation of a first baby on the way.
Then one day in early November, Pearl sprang a surprise on her. ‘I went round to see Norma the other day,’ she said. ‘I really think it’s time some bridges were mended before the wedding. You’re going to be the Duggans’ daughter-in-law whether they like it or not, and Norma’s quite keen on the thought of her first grandchild.’
Jo felt a sinking feeling. She had been thankful when Mark had declared he did not want his family at the wedding, except for Ivy. ‘They’ve disowned me up till now,’ he had said bitterly, ‘so why should we put ourselves out for them? Ivy says Matty wouldn’t come even if he were asked − just because I’m marrying an Elliot. You don’t want them there, do you?’ Jo had hastily said no. ‘Not after the way they’ve treated you,’ she had insisted.
THE TYNESIDE SAGAS: Box set of three dramatic and emotional stories: A Handful of Stars, Chasing the Dream and For Love & Glory Page 97
