by Barbara Lohr
So intense, so familiar, so satisfying when they moved together that tears trailed down her cheeks.
Seth stopped. “Selena, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Don’t stop. Please.” Pulling him close so he couldn’t see her cry, she got back into it. Last thing she wanted was for him to see how badly she’d missed him. She’d thought she’d never make love to him again. Her life had stretched bleak in front of her, like a field that needed planting.
A future without his loving. Would he give her loving but not his love? Was that even possible?
Selena slammed the trapdoor of her mind. She told herself this night was for her but her thoughts circled back, persistent and irritating.
What had he said? He’d done so much for her? What was that about?
Don’t overthink it.
Seth took her with tenderness that just about broke her heart. After all, the man knew all her hot spots. And he knew how to stoke that heat. Oh, so slowly, he took her and loved her. That’s what he was doing. He was loving her with his body. Were words so necessary? Arching her back, Selena felt the train screaming toward her. She wanted to lie down on the tracks and feel it whoosh over her.
Feel the relief. Treasure the afterglow.
They struck their own rhythm, knew the way so well, got to the station just in time.
Afterwards, legs tangled in the sheets, she lay back and whispered. “Ah, mi amor, I love you so.” The words slipped out, so natural and right.
But maybe not.
The room turned quiet. She felt his intake of breath and wanted to cut out her tongue.
Selena told herself she didn’t need the words from him. But her heart clamored for them. Her body felt satisfied but her heart coiled up at the foot of the bed like a snake and hissed, Now what, Selena?
In her arms, Seth began to sweat big time.
“S-selena, you are now my... I mean, I....” Ducking his head, Seth nuzzled her cheek. Like he didn’t want to look at her.
Her heart slowed, turned hard and hurtful, like a shoreline pebble in her sandal. She was trying to figure out how to get out of here when something furry shot out of nowhere and landed on her bare chest.
She screamed. Rats? A bat? “Seth. Qué es esto? What the... ?” The animal sprang onto the nightstand, blue eyes glowing in the dark.
“Hey, don’t scare him. Come ‘ere, Shadow.” Plucking a kitten from the side table, Seth settled it against his chest. Selena's fear subsided. The purring rippled through the room like rich corduroy.
“When did you get a cat?” She pulled the sheet up.
Petting the furry bundle, Seth grinned sheepishly. “I didn’t. He found me. Here, pet him.”
She reached out, just to have something to do with her hands. Anything to get Seth's mind off the words that lay abandoned between them. The kitten looked up at her and arched when Selena smoothed a hand down its back. “Sure is a cute little thing.” Every farm her family ever worked for had wild cats to keep down the field mice. She gave Seth’s new kitten a careful look. “This is a girl, Seth. Una muchacha.”
“No kidding?” Settling back, Seth tucked his arms behind his head. “That’s okay, Shadow, I still love you. Good thing I didn’t name him Jake or Jerry, right?”
Their laughter healed one hurt and ripped open another.
Sure, he could tell the cat he loved her.
She handed Shadow back. “Well, big trip. Guess I’m tired.”
Rolling onto her side, she pretended to fall asleep. The kitten settled between them. Only when Seth’s breathing evened out did she let out an exasperated sigh.
Okay, she’d tried plan A. Now for plan B.
Did she have one?
Chapter 9
The cold hardwood floor curled Selena’s toes when she slid out of bed early the next morning. Pitch dark and Seth was sound asleep on his tummy. Shadow snoozed, plastered against his legs. She wanted to smooth his bad boy hair, run a hand over his broad shoulders. But she didn’t. She’d just be making a bad situation worse.
Man, it was cold and her teeth chattered. Snatching her clothes from the floor, she scooped up her boots and crept toward the door. Shadow’s eyes followed her in the dark, two glowing pinpoints, but the cat decided to stay with Seth. Selena didn’t blame her. Regret twisted in her gut as she slipped from the room. Traitorous parts of her body were doing a memorial happy dance. She loved Seth and last night had been everything she’d dreamed about in Savannah. Except for the end.
He hadn’t said the words. In fact, she’d been the one who spoke up in a weak moment. I love you. How had that slipped out?
Time to face the facts.
Seth wasn’t ready for commitment. He might never be ready.
Standing in the cold hallway with Seth’s grandfather clock ticking, she had one leg in her jeans when it hit her. She hadn’t driven. Idiota. She’d rather stick a pin in her eyes than wake Seth up. Who lived in this area? Bethany, the other midwife in their practice. Thank you, God.
Fully dressed with boots in hand, she crept down the stairs and back toward the kitchen. Seth had kept the old pantry when he did his renovations. Stepping inside, she pulled out her phone and scrolled to favorites. “Hey, have you left for work yet?” she whispered when Bethany picked up.
“No, and why are you whispering?”
“Because I don’t want to wake Seth up.”
“Thought you broke up with him.”
Sigh. “I fell off the wagon last night.”
Silence. Then, “Right. Got it.”
But how could Bethany understand? She was engaged to Walt, her high school sweetheart. From what Selena could see, they’d been committed to each other since sophomore year. Not exciting, but Selena wasn’t looking for that craziness anymore.
“I don’t have my car. Can you pick me up at Cozy Corner? I’ll watch for you.”
“Sure. Be there in half an hour.”
“Thanks, Bethany. I owe you.”
Pocketing her phone, Selena tiptoed back to the front door, grabbed her coat from the floor and pulled it on. The cold, dry air outside took her breath away. Snow squeaked under her boots when she began to walk. She sure wasn’t in Savannah anymore.
The Cozy Corner was five blocks away and Selena broke into a jog to warm up. The walks weren't all shoveled so she had to be careful. It wasn’t until she hit Harlem Avenue that Selena realized she’d left her suitcase at Seth’s house. Perfect. All her makeup and some of her clothes were in the small carry-on. Thank goodness the phone had been in her jean pocket or she’d really be in trouble.
Last night hit her like a runaway freight train. Skidding to a halt on the hard-packed snow, she folded over, hands on her knees. A police car cruised by and the window rolled down. “Everything okay?” the officer called out.
She straightened. “Fine. Everything’s just fine. Have a great day.” Thank goodness he didn’t look familiar. Because Seth’s father was a retired fireman, policemen often showed up at the family gatherings. The two groups worked closely. This morning she sure as heck didn’t want to be recognized.
Ears stinging, she broke into a quick walk. On her way to the Cozy Corner, she dashed into an all-night drug store for mascara, lipstick and eyeliner. By the time she reached the coffee shop, the dark sky had paled to gray.
No matter what time it was, Cozy Corner always had customers. Cream and sugar in her coffee and Selena was back in business. “And I’ll have the Belgian waffle and two eggs over easy.” The order came out naturally, what she always got. Taking her mug into the restroom she worked on her makeup. Not much she could do for the bloodshot eyes though. Well, she could stop crying. Right, and that would be like trying to jam on the top of a pressure cooker in full steam.
Dashing some lipstick on the tips of her fingers, she rubbed them on her cheeks for some color and stood back. Not great but it would have to do. Touring back through the coffee shop, she slid the mug onto the counter and sat down. But she didn’t feel hungry. Her eggs cooled while S
elena pushed them around on the heavy crockery plate. She even picked at the Belgian waffle. How well she remembered feeding one to Seth last fall. He’d laughed, sticky syrup all over his lips when he kissed her. When Bethany pulled up outside in her sensible beige sedan, she threw some bills on the counter and dashed outside.
“Thanks a bunch,” she told her colleague, climbing into the warm car and rubbing her hands under a warm jet of air.
“Not a problem.” Pulling away from the curb, Bethany shot her a concerned look. “You okay?”
“As good as a girl can feel who’s fallen off the wagon.”
“I’m so sorry, Selena. I didn’t realize, you know, that you were an alcoholic.”
“Not that kind of wagon, Bethany. You know.” She hitched a shoulder.
Only Bethany probably didn’t. The newest addition to their team was as sensible and sweet as her dimples. Probably a homecoming queen, the type of girl Selena could never be. You don’t come from the picking fields and be voted a high school sweetheart. She never stayed in one school long enough. Selena had scratched her way through high school and college, living in a ton of places, piecing her education together. Back then, she had no idea what an extra curricular activity was. Corn detassling?
The Eisenhower Expressway had been ploughed but the falling snow churned under the tires and kept traffic to a crawl. “Can we turn on some music?” Jumpy, Selena reached for the buttons.
“I’m driving, Selena. Have to concentrate.”
“Oh, right.” Yep, Bethany was sensible. Probably a girl who could draw a line with a man and then stay on her side. Their headlights swept the falling snow on the road and Savannah felt more distant than Mars. Memories of the proposal dinner with Cameron and Harper battled with thoughts of last night. Anger dried her tears, but the only person she was mad at was herself.
Qué lástima, chica. Didn’t she know better?
You can’t change people. Her mother taught her that when she'd complain about a farmer who'd been rude. “Do your best and smile, cariña,” her mother would tell her. “And keep your head up. Always.” Although she’d thought she could accept Seth for what he was, what they had, her time with Harper and Cameron had taught her differently. Last night had been wonderful but this morning her heart felt empty.
She'd said the L word but he hadn't.
Soon they passed under the gigantic post office that loomed over the entry to downtown Chicago. Thank goodness Bethany knew the back streets to avoid the crush of Michigan Avenue. Before too long, they were pulling into the parking garage at the hospital. All the midwives parked on the top level, where the view was spectacular.
“Thanks so much, Bethany.” Selena avoided her friend’s eyes when they got out of the car and walked to the elevators. How could a girl like Bethany ever imagine the madness that had possessed Selena last night?
Bethany’s hug surprised her. “Any time, Selena. I’m so sorry.”
They walked the rest of the way in silence.
Dorothy was busy getting the office up and running when they passed through the reception area. While Bethany continued to her office, McKenna waylaid Selena and tugged her from the hall.
“How was your trip? Was Harper totally surprised by the ring?”
“Sure looked like it.” The joy on Harper’s face would stay with Selena a long time. “They’re such a great couple.”
“Okay, we know that. Maybe I should ask how you’re feeling about Harper’s engagement?” McKenna had a way of drilling down fast.
“I’m happy for her. They’re crazy about each other. Bella was thrilled. She must have called Harper Mom ten times before we left that restaurant. And I got to meet Cameron’s mother and his sister. All good.”
Facts, just the facts. So much easier to talk about another woman’s relationship. Selena felt her smile go south.
McKenna’s eyes narrowed. “Hey, sure you’re okay?”
“Not really. I left all my clothes and makeup at your brother’s house last night.”
“You can get all that later, right? Or Seth can drop it off here?” Hope and curiosity glimmered in McKenna’s eyes.
“Not going to happen.” She had to help McKenna understand this without making her feel guilty for sending Seth to O’Hare. “Last night was a mistake. I’m not proud of it.”
McKenna groaned. “Oh, no. I was hoping you two would have time to talk.”
“I fell off the wagon and enjoyed it. Have to be honest. But it didn’t change anything. Stúpida!” She pushed away from the doorway. “McKenna, I’ve got to move on.”
Lips tight, McKenna didn’t say another word and Selena left.
All day she stoked her self-disgust, grateful for the full schedule.
Just when things eased up, Lucy Mandel and her husband Rob checked in to have their twins. Since these were their first children, the process took a while. Grateful, Selena fell into the process of labor and delivery. No wandering thoughts here. Those red squalling infants were a prize worth waiting for. If anything, they strengthened Selena’s resolve. Seeing the joy on Lucy’s face, Selena knew she wanted that for herself and time was a wasting. The sky was pitch black when Selena changed in the locker room. This time, she was not going to try to catch a ride. Instead, she called a cab.
As the cabbie tore down the Dan Ryan toward Wrigleyville, Selena checked her messages but didn’t open the ones from Seth. Instead she sent her own. “Please give my suitcase to McKenna the next time you see her.”
Maybe this was the chicken’s way out, but a conversation? She couldn’t handle it right now.
~.~
When Seth woke up that Monday morning, the bed felt empty. He ran one hand over the cool sheet next to him and pushed up on his elbows. Damn. “Selena?”
Her name echoed in the cold room. Stretching, Shadow looked at him and meowed. “Yeah, I know you’re hungry. But where’d she go?”
Slumping back onto the pillow he raked his fingers through his hair. He had a chance to make it right and he’d blown it. What had he done? Or was it something he said? He’d thought she’d come back to him. That things were all right. They sure felt all right but now, he didn’t know.
All that practicing in the car hadn’t helped a bit. What had he mumbled? I’ve done a lot for you instead of you’ve done a lot for me? With a groan that sent Shadow flying off the bed, he fell back and threw on arm over his eyes. Selena told him she loved him and he couldn’t find the words. He wanted the words to be perfect. To say what he meant. Embarrassment singed his cheeks. Damn, of course he loved her. Had almost died while she was away.
He loved her. Could it be that simple? He let the words sink in.
Tossing back the sheet, he sprang out of bed and jammed his toe against Selena’s suitcase. Right foot throbbing, he scooped up a handful of clothes from the open bag and buried his face in it. Breathing in her scent, he felt the intense reaction that had started the first time he saw her at the Purple Frog.
Selena had been sitting in a booth with McKenna. Throwing back her long dark curls, she was laughing, dark eyes flashing and delicate hands fluttering. Chicago had a lot of women but this girl was different. Earthy but feminine. Glancing up, she caught him staring and smiled. He stopped breathing.
Those eyes. Her full lips. Not a girl who put on airs, just direct and bold. Her dark eyes challenged him and he tripped over his own feet to get to her. From what he could see, at least three other guys had this woman on their radar. But she was looking straight at him and sitting with his sister. Seth made his move.
“Hey, how’d you get here?”
“A car?” She grinned up at him, all saucy and sexy.
The whole table cracked up and he’d felt his face flush.
“No I mean, w-where did you come from? Friend of my sister?”
Take it slow, his mother had always told him. Take it slow so you don’t stumble over your words.
“This is my subtle brother Seth.” McKenna had introduced them. Selena�
��s long lashes feathered over her blushing cheeks. Then she made direct eye contact and moved over. Their mutual attraction had been just that strong. It didn’t take long for the others to disappear. They’d spent three hours talking, although it felt more like ten minutes.
They’d never looked back.
So why couldn’t he look forward?
Going to the head of the stairs, he leaned over the railing and called again. “Babe? Selena? You here?”
Only silence. Silence and a forgotten bag.
Like she’d left in a hurry. Like she’d had second thoughts.
“Damn.” With Shadow winding herself around his legs, he stumbled into the bathroom for a shower. He got the water as hot as he could stand it and then flipped on the cold water.
He’d blown it. The night had felt so darn good, but obviously not to her.
The words. This had to do with the words.
He wasn’t on until second shift so he stopped at his parents’ house. His father had called him about fixing a garage door that had come off the trolley so he went over. Big mistake. His mother grabbed him first, jabbering about Harper’s engagement. But he didn’t say much.
After pouring him a mug of coffee, she shoved it at him. “Get out of bed on the wrong side this morning, Seth?”
He took the mug from her hand. “I don’t see what all the fuss is about.” The coffee had no taste.
“Don’t you want to see your sisters happy? Don’t you want to see them settled in their lives with good partners?”
Swirling the coffee in his mug, he couldn’t meet his mother’s eyes. His dad appeared in the door. “Okay, could we get on with the garage door?”
Seth set the mug down so fast, the coffee slopped over the edge. His mother grabbed a towel. He could feel her eyes drilling a hole in his back as he followed his father out the door. The cold air cleared his head on the way to the detached garage. Struggling with the tension in the trolley was no joke, but Seth wanted a challenge today. He wanted to work with his hands because he knew he could do that. They both had to be really careful or the wire might snap back at them. But after a few minutes they had it.
