by Bridget Lang
Heather looked over at him. Watching his profile in the dim light, she became aware of how manly and warm he seemed to her in that moment. And how much she longed to be curled up in his arms. Would it always be like this? Would she be happy to stay with him if she were to become a surrogate mother to Chloe, but without having anything other than a professional and distant relationship with Tanner? The best she could hope for would be friendship, and she wasn’t sure she could handle that. What if another woman came into the picture? What if he someday found a woman he had feelings for, then what? Heather would be nothing more than a ball and chain around his ankle.
“I don’t know, Tanner.” She repeated the words softly, and with sorrow.
“I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay with me, with us. Not just for Chloe’s sake.” His jaw clenched, he couldn’t be too raw with his feelings – not yet. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but the stakes were too high, there was too much at risk if she rejected him completely.
“Why don’t you want me to leave?” Heather asked. She instantly regretted the question, and hardly dared to breathe as she waited for his response.
“I… I…” He paused for a long moment. “I don’t know what to say right now.” He mumbled. He had turned up the driveway to the ranch, and was changing gears to get the wheels through the soft ground. Heather felt waves of crashing disappointment throughout her body. She berated herself sternly; of course it wasn’t going to be the answer she wanted. Other than being perfect, pleasant, and polite today, he’d given no indication of stronger or romantic feelings toward her. Apart from the kiss. Her body tingled at the memory – but that had been a mistake, clearly.
Tanner turned off the engine and jumped down from the driver’s seat. He crossed the front of the car, over to Heather’s side and opened the door for her. He held out his hand for her to take as she stepped down. As her small hand closed in his, she felt the warmth emanating from his body, smelled his musky male scent mixed with fresh soap.
She followed him in silence, staying close. The ranch was in complete darkness; Chloe and Josiah must have already gone to bed. She stumbled on a patch of uneven grass, and Tanner spun around and caught her.
“I’m sorry Heather, I was going too fast – are you okay?” She was pressed up against his torso, feeling it’s smooth hardness beneath his cotton t-shirt.
“I’m fine, thanks.” She removed herself slowly from his body. Trying to steady her breathing as they proceeded to walk side-by-side. Tanner walked with her up to the front door.
“I’ll see you inside then I need to tend to some things in the barn before bed. I hope you had a good time tonight. You deserve it.”
Before she could say anything, Tanner moved closer to her and bent his head downward, and the words stuck in her mouth. Her throat ran dry as she became consumed by the desire to be wrapped in his arms, to move her head up an inch to meet his waiting lips. His lips were close enough to her face that they tickled her ears, and sent a shiver running down her spine. She could only nod in return, hardly able to breathe, let alone speak.
She reached up and stroked his jaw with her fingers, her eyes looking deep into his, “Thank you for tonight, Tanner. I had a very good time with you.” The words were hoarsely and breathlessly whispered into his ear, but he felt them deep in his soul.
Chapter fifteen
“Watch this one, Heather!” Chloe was on the back of a pony, practicing jumps with the help of Josiah. She leapt cleanly over the wooden jump bar, and the horse landed neatly on the other side, before cantering around the yard to complete the jump a second time. Heather applauded enthusiastically from beneath the shade of the ranch out building.
Tanner was standing a few yards off, tirelessly removing rocks from the earth; his aim was to create a soft, fertile area in which Heather could have her own herb or vegetable garden. He’d kept his plan private, telling them all that he was extending the chicken run, but the conspiratorial wink Josiah gave him told Tanner the old man knew differently.
That morning Heather had set up a make shift easel and bought out some paints, intending to capture the beautiful Wyoming scenery. She had started to do just that, but the moment Tanner had begun work she’d been unable to take her eyes of him, and so the page now captured his muscular form, shirtless in the heat.
She watched as his back and biceps rippled as he moved, lugging rocks back and forth over the soft earth. As she watched, she noticed that when his body stood under direct sunlight, she could see faint markings all over his chest and back. It looked like long strips of his flesh had been carved out of him, and Heather wondered what sort of horror had caused those scars. A wild animal attack? A car accident?
Heather caught Tanner’s eye, and gestured toward the pitcher of ice tea sat on the table next to her. She rose to carry it over to him, but instead he made his way toward her, wiping away his sweat with a spare rag as he did so.
“You are a good woman, Heather Ayer. My mouth feels like the desert.” Tanner came and sat down next to her, emitting a sigh of relief as he did so. Heather poured him the tea.
“What are you – oh, that’s me.” Tanner’s eyes had alighted on her half-finished drawing, and raised his eyebrows in respectful acknowledgement at how good it was, “you’ve got a talent. That’s impressive.”
Heather blushed, “It’s not finished yet. You got in the way of the mountains.” Tanner gave a short bark of laughter, “yeah, sorry about that.” They smiled at each other, and then Heather’s eyes drew back to his chest. The scars weren’t as noticeable in the shade, but she could still see very subtle outlines of their grooves marking his skin.
“Tanner, what are those marks on your body? They look pretty ferocious…I thought maybe a wild animal had hurt you?” Heather was tentative approaching the subject; she didn’t want him to think she was prying.
Tanner smirked; it was not a happy look. His bright mood seemed to have immediately vanished. There was silence for a few moments before he spoke, “not an animal exactly.” Tanner took a gulp of the ice tea and then rand his hands through his hair. “I guess there’s a couple of things I still need to tell you.”
“Not if you don’t want to, Tanner. You can keep whatever you want private.” Heather replied, meaning it. She didn’t want to pry into his life, he knew without a doubt that Tanner was a good, honest man – and whatever he wanted to keep private he could do so. She trusted him.
“No, there’s stuff you should know. It’s about Chloe, too. But I guess I’ll start with the scars. As I said yesterday, my father died when I was young. He was crazy in love with my mom, and she with him. She never really recovered from his death.”
Heather nodded in understanding, a loss of a loved one was always painful, but if his father had been anything like Tanner, it would have been unbearable.
“I don’t remember much of him. Which is a shame, but just the way it is. Anyway, my mom married again – not so well this time. He was a nasty junkie, beat her up something rotten. He hated me and my brother. He would lock us up in cages. Whip us with chains and whatever was lying around. Starve us.” Tanner shrugged, “like I said, a mean scumbag.”
Heather looked away. Her vision had started to blur as tears welled up in the corners of her eyes, but she didn’t want Tanner to see her crying. Where would be the benefit in her tears? There weren’t tears enough in her body for the sorrow of a child being treated that way.
Tanner hadn’t noticed that she’d turned away. He wasn’t able to look at her. Still, after all these years, the subject of his stepfather brought up nothing but shame. Shame that he had never been able to protect his brother, that he couldn’t save his mom from her eventual fate and her bad choices. Ashamed that he let himself be treated that way, ashamed that he’d spent the whole of his life believing he’d deserved every whip, every slice of flesh ripped from his body, every hour that he spent in starvation, closing his eyes as he drank stagnant water left for them in a dog bowl.
“Anyway, my mom couldn’t cope. She got hooked on heroin. Didn’t know whether she was coming or going. My brother and I ran away. I was sixteen - he was fourteen. I worked down in Arizona. Mining. It was good, better than we had it at home. After a year we found out that she’d died. We went back briefly to pay our respects, but then we never went back again.”
Heather couldn’t find the words to express herself. The tears were streaming down her face now, and she kept her eyes fixed on her hands, clasped together tightly on her lap. She couldn’t take the thought of Tanner going through so much pain. How lonely he must have been, how neglected. She knew about men who worked as miners. It wasn’t an easy life. Not by a long shot.
Tanner glanced over at her, half dreading Heather’s response. Seeing his bear was one thing, knowing how he’d let himself be so dehumanized was another. On seeing her tears, he rushed to comfort her.
“Oh – Heather, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for you to get upset.” He placed his hand on her back, finding a comfort in her warm sun-heated skin.
“You’re sorry?!” Heather was half-hysterical at his apology, “what have you to be sorry about? Oh God, Tanner – what happened to you is awful, it’s appalling. I want to rip that man apart with my bare hands. But it’s me who should be sorry, I don’t mean to cry, I’m sorry I am, it’s just…” She couldn’t finish. A fresh set of tears erupted from her, and she hastily wiped at her cheeks. Aware that Chloe wasn’t far away, and she didn’t want her to see her like this.
“You’re amazing.” Tanner’s voice was horse with unshed emotion. He hadn’t expected this kind of reaction, hadn’t expected her to care so deeply about him – he should have known better. He desperately wanted to drag her into his arms, take her upstairs and make love to her again. She was unbelievably beautiful to him in that moment, her eyes red-rimmed from crying, her rose bud lips swollen from bites as she anxiously tried to repress her emotions.
Tanner steeled himself; he needed to tell her about Chloe as well. It was important that she knew everything.
“Are you okay to talk about Chloe?” Tanner asked, gently caressing her back.
“Of course,” Heather tried to smile, “just ignore the crazy weeping woman over here.”
“You’re not crazy – Heather, I can’t tell you what it means to me that you’d have that kind of reaction. I really appreciate it. More than I can say.”
Heather nodded, trying to shake off the tears and return to normality. “Go on, about Chloe – what is it you need to tell me?”
“Chloe isn’t mine – biologically speaking.” Heather raised her eyebrows at Tanner’s words. It was the last thing she’d expected him to say.
“Chloe’s mom and I, well… we knew each other as kids. When she turned up pregnant, I was just getting the ranch up and running, and she was…” Tanner looked down again, he knew it wasn’t his finest hour. But he took a breath and continued, “She was in delicate health, and when she gave birth to Chloe, she died, as you know. But, Chloe…. In my heart she’s always been mine.”
Heather looked over at Chloe, now brushing down her horse, guided by Josiah. She felt sorry for the girl who had grown up without a mother, so like herself. She also knew absolutely that Tanner had raised her loving her as much or more than any biological father could. She also knew, without a doubt in her mind that she was absolutely, unconditionally in love with him.
“I can’t have children,” She smiled at him, and took his hand in hers. “But Chloe has brought so much love into my life – she’s all I would ever need or want.”
Tanner exhaled in relief. Her small hand over his made him smile; Chloe may have brought love to her life, but she had brought it to both of theirs.
Now for the hardest part. Wyatt’s advice played through his head. Tell her how you feel about her. “I need to tell you something else. I don’t know how to say this because I’ve never said it before. I’ve had many women in my life, but they’ve meant nothing. I’m not proud of it, but I was lonely, I suppose. Looking for companionship. But you need to know something.” He cleared his throat and kept his eyes trained on the ground. Whatever he was about to say clearly wasn’t easy for him. “There’s only been one woman who has ever made me feel this head over heels, butterflies in my stomach kind of feeling.” He paused and when he resumed, his eyes stared directly into hers. “Do you understand what I mean?”
Heather nodded and tried to smile. She suddenly felt cold. She understood completely, and a few days ago being Tanner’s companion would have made her content and happy. Now, she wasn’t sure. It almost seemed like a gentler and kinder parallel to her and Bertram – a man who just couldn’t truly love her. But this would be worse, because what she felt for Tanner made her old feelings for Bertram pale to insignificant in comparison.
It was as if the universe had played a cruel trick on her; gifting Heather the one man she could be herself with and love completely, but then having that man forever bonded with a ghost, unable to love her the way she needed.
Tanner rose from his chair. He hated how awkward he could be with words, what had meant to sound romantic had probably come out too cheesy and ridiculous. The smile she’d given him in return hadn’t quite reached her eyes. Though, Tanner reflected, he had just dumped a lot of information on her. Maybe she just needed some time. It wouldn’t put a halt on his afternoon plans, whatever she felt; he knew he was doing the right thing.
“Chloe and I need to go into town this afternoon. Just for a couple of hours. Can I get you anything when I’m there?” Tanner asked her.
Heather tried to pull herself out of her mood, and smiled brightly back at him. Shaking her head in a ‘no’, not trusting herself to speak. She watched as he walked toward the main body of the ranch, and felt a knot of misery form in her stomach.
Chapter sixteen
Heather retreated to her bedroom after Tanner and Chloe left. For the first time since she’d arrived at the ranch, she felt lonely. It wasn’t a novel emotion; she’d spent years of her relationship with Bertram feeling like she was a stranger in her own home, and when she ventured out onto the streets of New York it was as if she got lost, a nobody that faded more and more every day.
Would the same thing happen if she stayed here? Heather knew that Tanner would care for her, and they got on well – and that would only grow as they became more comfortable with one another. Last night had been amazing. She may not be his true love, but he certainly treated her well. And Chloe. She wanted to stay with her, watch her grow and help her along the way. She already loved her so much; it would be agony to leave her.
The doorbell of the front entrance rang. It surprised Heather; all the men used the back entrance. Maybe Tanner was expecting company and had forgotten to tell her. She made her way down the stairs, on hearing the doorbell ring again. Whoever was on the other side sounded impatient.
Heather opened the door, and had her senses assaulted by incredibly strong, sweet perfume.
“Oh.” Kellie Lane looked perplexed by Heather’s presence. “Tanner here?” She asked, looking Heather up and down as she did so.
“He’s just popped out with Chloe, they won’t be long.” Heather replied, wondering who the woman was. She had a mane of platinum blonde hair, and an ample bosom barely concealed by a neon pink halter-top.
“I’ll wait.” Kellie barged passed Heather, accidently-on-purpose hitting her with her handbag.
“Do you…know Tanner well?” Heather asked. She didn’t want to be impolite and ask the woman who the hell she was, but it was tempting to do so.
“We have a thing. We’re meant to be going out on a date this week; I’m here to see if I can tempt him out tonight. Who are you?” Kellie asked, flipping back her hair and taking a seat in the living room.
Heather felt sick. She paused for too long, and Kellie raised an eyebrow – clearly thinking Heather was some kind of mute idiot.
“I’m Heather. I’m staying with Tanner and Chloe.” She mut
tered, too embarrassed to tell her the truth. If she had been dating Tanner till recently then she’d know that a fiancé miraculously appearing out of the blue was suspect.
“Oh. Tanner didn’t mention that. Are you related?” Kellie asked.
“Um. No. I’m here to look after Chloe.” That was about the sum of it, thought Heather. She didn’t believe that Tanner had arranged to go on a date with Kellie this week – he wasn’t that kind of man. He’d probably arranged it before he had any idea that he’d have a mail-order bride delivered to his doorstep, but the idea that she’d got in the way of a budding romance on Tanner’s own terms, rather than Chloe’s, made her feel awful.
“I’m Kellie, by the way. That’s so cute that Tanner’s hired help. Chloe’s great – isn’t she?” Kellie had never actually met Chloe, but Wyatt had spoken about her. Despite what she said, Kellie was not keen on Tanner having a live-in sitter: that meant competition.
“She is great.” Heather desperately wanted to end the conversation, but she was probably stuck here until Tanner returned.
“How long you thinking of staying then?” Kellie asked.
“I’m not sure.” Heather hesitated, “can I get you a drink or anything?”
“You got ice tea?” Kellie replied, snuggling back into the couch. Heather nodded and made her way through to the kitchen.
As she was adding ice to the pitcher, Josiah came through the back entrance. Heather had never been so happy to see anyone in her life.
“Hi Josiah! Can I get you some tea?” Heather asked the man brightly.
“Be lovely, thanks Heather. Tanner still in town?” He enquired.
“Yes. They are – but, err, Kellie’s through in the lounge. Do you know her?” Heather turned back to the tea so the old man wouldn’t see her expression. She’d tried to make her question breezy, but it had come out a little too high-pitched.
