If you have ripped off more shirts than Hulk Hogan…it might be time to retire.
If you are known as an “original”…it might be time to retire.
If you no longer care about that growing bald spot on your head…it might be time to retire.
If all your stories about your heyday have no direct links to any of the current dancers…it might be time to retire!
If you are scheduling your prostate exam in the afternoon so you don’t have to get up early after a night of dancing…it might be time to retire.
If you have to use hair coloring for your pubes it might be time to retire.
If you are paranoid, anal and consistent with your body waxing/shaving because you fear everyone will see all your gray body hairs…it might be time to retire.
If your closet is full of all your old dance wear/club wear and you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing them at any current club…it might be time to retire!
If the DJ keeps getting mad at you for using a cassette tape for your set…it might be time to retire!
If you have been performing your act longer than the youngest dancer has been alive…it might be time to retire!
If you wear your banana thongs on the beach and take photos with strange, grown men, not realizing they are making fun of you…it might be time to retire!
Finally, if you are getting mad at these “too damn old to be dancing” jokes because they describe you to a tee…it might be time to retire!!
More Types of Guys
All kinds of guys end up being strippers. The following are broad types and are not modeled after a specific person. Honest.
Pretty Boy
This guy wears costumes that completely cover his face and body. When he takes off the mask, the women scream loudly. Then he takes his shirt off, the women scream. Finally, he takes his pants off, revealing a pair of chicken legs and the women don’t really make any noise at this point.
Mullet Guy
Once a must-have in hairstyles, this style is now cause for ridicule. A guy wearing a mullet is a guy who just doesn’t know when to call it quits! He believes he is a modern-day Sampson and his hair holds the power of his pussy-catching ability. Only when it’s too late does he truly realize that the hair hanging down his back is actually kryptonite and he could have been Superman in the pussy game if he only had a current hairstyle.
High Squeeler
No one knows who this guy is until one day a fight breaks out in the back and he instinctively lets out a scream while running in the opposite direction.
Bad Razor Burn on the Inside of his Thighs Guy
Someone just needs to tell him that changing the razor cartridge out every once in a while could help prevent this.
Marlboro Man
He is older, bigger and does more lap dances than most of the guys. He is also jaded, been in the biz too long and wants a new job.
Jealous Guy
He doesn’t want any of his tippers to spend on anybody else.
The Fresh off the Turnip Truck Guy
He is a young, strapping, cornbread-fed country boy. The women love his innocence and he loves the ladies.
Prankster
He always seems to have an unsuspecting victim and his pranks are hilarious but usually at someone else’s expense. So we decided to turn the tables on one prankster who performed the shower act onstage. His shower was custom made so that the tub was filled with water and a pump would push that water up and through the shower head. He would literally take a shower onstage. A few of us decided one night that he needed a huge bucket of ice in that tub. He didn’t realize what was going on until his act started and he was almost naked and stepping into the tub. By then it was too late; we all knew the show must go on. The ice basically made the water in the tub freezing and he had to pump this up and into the shower head and down on his head and body. It was the coldest shower of his life!
Head Waiter
This guy has figured out a way to make a career working at the club without being an owner, manager or dancer. Every club has one.
Young, Dumb and Full of Cum Guy
Women are the number one reason he dances. Money is secondary. He is a smart guy in my book. He has figured out a way to get more pussy than ever by being a dancer. Especially at his age. One young dancer had a lot of game at the age of nineteen. I was impressed when I heard he was able to seal the deal with two girls from the club—at his house with his parents asleep in the next room! The funny part was when he got the girls to his parents’ house, they thought it was his house. They were impressed that this young guy could do so well, until they noticed a bunch of family pictures everywhere and realized he still lived with Mommy and Daddy.
Been There, Done That Guy
He uses this line to draw attention to himself when he is around the ladies. He usually will then tell them that he quit because all the dancers were gay. In reality, he might have done amateur night, maybe danced once or twice and quit because he couldn’t make money. Most guys don’t make it past the first week or two, and then make up a reason for no longer working there.
Jaded Guy
He tells all rookies to stop dancing and go back to school. In reality, he is just a burnout who spends his time wondering what he could have been. We encountered this guy and are so very glad we did not heed his warning.
Gambler
Each club we worked at was different. At one club, there were some guys who were heavily into high-stakes gambling. We are talking winning or losing over a grand in a night. Not just cards either, dice, liar’s poker, golden tee, who can throw a coin closest to the wall—you name it and they would bet on it.
Exotic Foreigner
His accent alone helps him woo the ladies. He is a heavy clientele kind of guy and gives his customers a lot of his time because he has no family here.
Reinvented Guy
Over the years, we have worked with so many dancers who have changed their looks or acts to try to find what works best for them. None of them was as drastic or successful than this guy. We shall call our friend Eminem. He is the male stripper version of the rapper. He started as a tall athletic blond teenager dancing in on the East Coast at the age of sixteen in shows where most of the dancers and audience were black. He quickly rose in the ranks, winning contests and becoming one of the top dogs.
As he got into his late twenties/early thirties, like most of us at that age, he tried to get out of the biz. A while later, his friend talked him back into dancing and invited him to go with him to Dallas to work at our club. When we first laid eyes on him, we were all thinking he was going to rock the house. At six foot two and two hundred forty pounds, he was solid muscle and very good-looking. What we didn’t expect was his costume and act. As soon as we saw the outfit, we knew he was going to bomb. It didn’t matter how good-looking he was.
What mattered was his outfit looked like something the singer Prince would wear and the Dallas women barely tipped him. His act and dancing were just not the right style for the club. He worked a few times but eventually he migrated even farther south to Houston and tried his style at the club there. He was not making very much until he finally realized that he would have to change his routine, looks and dancing in order to make more money. When in Rome…do as the Romans do. When in Texas…be a cowboy! It didn’t take him long to double his income after he figured this out. Not only that, he became one of the top cowboys the club had ever seen! Dancers who dance over ten years will have to reinvent themselves. He did just that! Sometimes you don’t have to change your look that dramatically but a change of act will usually help to refresh the dancer’s attitude and help him make more money.
The Married Stripper vs. the Single Stripper
You know you’re a married male stripper when you bring home a super sexy loin cloth that was part of your Mayan costume at RomantiCon—and your wife has YET to ask you to wear it!
You know you’re a single male stripper when you take your gladiator costume
home from that same RomantiCon, buy three seasons of Spartacus and have sex with a girl all night while watching those DVDs and talking in the show’s dialect, saying things like, “I shall sacrifice a thousand bulls in your honor if you take cock in mouth!”
You know you’re a married male stripper when you go from making all your money from women to spending all your money on a woman.
You know you’re a single male stripper when women still pay for most things.
You know you’re a married male stripper when your kinky sex time turns into bed time.
You know you’re a single male stripper when your bed time turns into kinky sex time.
You know you’re a married male stripper when you get more action in the garage while writing sex stories for your book than you get in the bedroom.
You know you’re a single male stripper when you just get more action pretty much everywhere.
You know you’re a married male stripper when all the girls programmed in your phone are either related to you or work for you.
You know you’re a single male stripper when all the girls programmed in your phone have an adjective or a city as their last name.
You know you’re a married male stripper when the toy store means the toy store.
You know you’re a single male stripper when the toy store really means the TOY store.
You know you’re a single male stripper when you have more sex in a week than your married counterpart does in a year!
You know you’re a single male stripper when you can say,” I spent a grand last year on rubbers!”and not mean tires for your car!
You know you’re a married male stripper when you’re starting to think this part of the book might get you in trouble and should probably be edited out.
Chapter Three
Sexcapades NC-17
Sometimes, even a male stripper has to swear off sex for a while. After my divorce, I moved to Houston and decided to start over, complete with a period of celibacy.
Being single was not something I was used to. At this point, I probably spent a year out of the last decade being single. I was definitely out of my element. Being twenty-nine and single with no kids felt kind of scary to me. Especially when you add the fact that I was dancing full time and had no other job. This made me think about women and what I was looking for. I wanted quality over quantity. It was time to search for the mother of my kids. Yes! I really thought this way! I guess men have biological clocks too! I started reading all kinds of self-help books. Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, The Secret, Rich Dad/Poor Dad, yes, just like in the movie Magic Mike. I decided that I would not date yet or even try to hook up with anyone. I thought that I needed to find out who I really was and not have a girl to distract me from that goal.
The club in Houston was packed almost every weekend. I was making more money than ever and had more girls try to get with me than ever. I was in control and loving life. I made some really good friends and we all partied together almost every weekend. One night, one of the female strippers, who had just broke up with her boyfriend, and I ended the party cuddling and holding each other and just sleeping together. This girl was very pretty but I wanted to stick to my guns.
When we awoke the next afternoon, we were happy nothing had happened and we felt good to just have someone to hold and cuddle with all night. I’m a cuddler and really needed the soft body that only a woman can provide. She was really hurt because the guy was the love of her life and it was a bad break-up. We continued to sleep with each other every once in a while, maybe four or five times in the next few weeks. Never having sex, just holding and cuddling.
Her friend took a liking to me and asked me if I wanted to go out one day. She too had been in a break-up recently and had heard of my ability to really cuddle all night and not try to have sex! We went out on a date and at the end of it she wanted me to stay with her all night. Of course, I was down with it. I was feeling horny but knew I was in control and would be able to cuddle all night with another really pretty girl without any sex.
I could tell this threw her off a bit. We held each other all night. She wore a pink silky thong and a t-shirt—nothing else! I wore a pair of boxers and a boner! Luckily, I was able to put my back to her until my cock went back down. This was not an easy task but I made it through the night and morning. When we got up, we parted ways after a kiss, knowing we would see each other again soon because we were all part of the same circle of friends. We did this three or four more times in the next week. Each time it got harder and harder, literally, to not have sex! Now, the first girl that I slept with (and didn’t have sex with) came to my apartment unannounced to sleep with me on the one night I was actually home. I didn’t consider myself dating the other girl and I was rather enjoying this attention. Plus, I loved having that female body next to me rather than sleeping alone, so I welcomed her in. We held each other all night and she left the next morning.
That was when I decided I was ready to start dating again. This no-sex B.S. cleansing thing was over! I proved to myself that I could do it and I did. It was not easy. After the beast was unleashed again, I was a very bad boy.
Irresistible Pussy
We had been working maybe two years at this point. A group of girls came into the club. Two were around eighteen or nineteen and a couple of others were older ladies. One was the mom of one of the girls. The rest I’m not sure but the party was four to six total. We both did a table dance for the two younger girls. We took them away from their party and to the opposite side of the club. At this point, the single guys were all jockeying for position with these two girls. One was wearing a mini skirt and the other jeans.
My friend was dancing for the girl in jeans and I was dancing for the hotter girl in the mini skirt. I looked down and saw her beautiful pussy lips through her white panties! Oh it was soo beautiful! I nudged my boy with my arm and pointed his eyes to the direction of the panties. His eyes bulged out. I nodded yes with a huge grin! She was loving the attention we were giving her. I turned around and my back was to her. I gyrated from side to side and front to back. I was thinking this chick was so pretty, she could be dating material. I was considering asking for her number. Then I heard her laughing and felt my friend’s arm bumping my side. I looked back around and saw him fingering her pussy while she was just laughing and enjoying it. I wasn’t really mad, but I definitely didn’t try to get her number after that.
Stop, Don’t Stop
One of the most frequently asked questions we get is, “How do you not get a hard-on?” We always say something like, “It’s work and we don’t really think of it.” But the truth is, it happens sometimes. When a dancer is giving a lap dance for a really hot girl and the chemistry is there, it can get really heated fast. It doesn’t happen often, maybe the guy is just horny that night, maybe he is juicing and his testosterone levels are through the charts, maybe his girlfriend is holding sex back, whatever the reason, it happens. The walk back to the dressing room can be embarrassing though. You either have to continue dancing, keep talking to her or use your cowboy hat to cover it. However, not every girl that gets you to pop a boner has to be hot. This leads us to our next story…
I had been dancing less than four months. It was a slow Wednesday night and there were fewer than fifteen customers in the club. I had a lap dance to do. A waiter had just come to the back and paid me for it. Not having made much that night, I was thrilled to get the dance. I went out into the club and located her. She was on a one-to-ten scale of my taste about a three, meaning I was not very attracted to her.
I don’t judge the girls I dance for on looks. Everyone has different tastes, and this woman was not bad-looking, just not to my taste. I’m just mentioning this because it is vital to the storyline. I proceeded to take her hand and lead her to the table dance area. I started my usual motions. Everything was going as planned. She was enjoying the dance and just had this gaze in her eyes. I was feeling sexy because she was really getting into it. I gues
s she was too into it because when I looked away she slipped a couple of fingers into the side of my banana thongs, the part where my cock and balls hang. She did this grazing thing and literally rubbed my shaft and nuts and then pulled her fingers back out. It happened so fast that I was a little bit confused. I wasn’t even sure if she had done it on purpose, so I decided to let it pass.
Bad move. I guess because I chose not to say anything, she was encouraged to do it again. This time she got really brave and put her fingers back in and started to rub my dick! I wanted to pull back but it felt so good that I could not make my body do it. I don’t know what she was thinking by doing it but I really don’t know what I was thinking because instead of pulling back and saying, “Stop!” I looked around to see if anyone could tell what was going on. I was embarrassed but she knew how to work those hands. My brain was so confused. It felt so good but the girl was not my type! Not even close! However, she must have been a masseuse or something because she had magic hands. I couldn’t believe I got a boner! I couldn’t believe that I couldn’t stop from getting said boner. This continued on and off for about thirty seconds, then I finally backed away and told her we couldn’t do that. It was the most confusing dance of my life!
Sex Ed
I had just broken up with my girlfriend. I went to the local watering hole/strip club and this perfect ten approached me and started hitting on me. She sat with me all night and didn’t even charge me. I knew she had to really like me and she ended up asking me to go home with her. I was so excited because she was so pretty and I was newly single. We walked in, sat on the couch and immediately began to undress each other. She seemed so sexual. I just knew it was going to be great sex! I slid my hard cock inside her. She began to moan but it wasn’t the sexy seductive moan I was used to. Instead, it was more of a monotone hum. When she started talking dirty to me, I was turned off by how descriptive it was. I was expecting something like, “Oh baby, fuck me hard!” but instead she said, “Now put your finger on my clit and rub it in a counterclockwise motion.”
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