I later learned that Neel had casually confided in his friend about the making-out matter, and the friend had blown the matter out of proportion in front of everybody in the garage. But the real shocker was the guy who’d announced it was dating Avni so there wasn’t any prize for guessing why the guy actually came out with it in public.
In the days that followed, Neel and I became the butt of all jokes. Every time we were seen together in school, we could feel our classmates laughing in a hush-hush manner. ‘Mr Popular had become Mr Jocular’ was what they had on their lips. And of course ‘TIGIF couple’ was our new name.
Honestly, I was used to those glances, name-calling, and back bitching but what disturbed me more was that Neel was slipping away from me. I could sense it. We hadn’t said a single word to each other since he left me by the lamp post. He started avoiding me in school and tuition.
There wasn’t anybody waiting for me either at the bus stop in the morning or near the school gate at the end of the day. When I initiated a conversation—be it during the recess or in between classes—all I got was cold answers in monosyllables. Why was he making me feel like a culprit? I never forced him to love me. I never asked him to leave his car and travel in a cycle rickshaw with me to school every morning. I never insisted him to lie to his parents about the fact we were actively involved in a relationship. Then if he did whatever he wanted out of his own free will then why was he pushing me towards an emotional abyss? As if all these months, his love for me was a mere charity. And suddenly he had run out of his ‘mood for charity’. After trying for a few times, I let him go. It hurt my self-respect to go and ask him every time ‘what was wrong?’ as if he was a customer care agent for me and our relationship was an out of order phone or something. There were times at night when I promised myself I won’t crib over the fact ever and the very next day in school, one sight of Neel, and my heart was squirming with pain. Finally Yo-didun understood there was something seriously wrong with me. She enquired about Neel.
‘What to do, Yo-didun, when you have to suffer for no fault of yours?’ It was only when Yo-didun wiped my cheeks that I realized I was crying.
‘What happened Shonamoni?’
‘Is it my fault that I am not beautiful and sexy?’ Never before did I utter that s-word before Yo-didun.
‘What’s sexy?’ she said rather innocuously.
‘Another word for being attractive.’
‘Who said you are not sexy?’
‘I know it Yo-didun, I’m not. Just look at me!’ I got up and stood in front of the mirror. That was when I started sobbing uncontrollably. Yo-didun came to me and caressed my back to help me calm down.
‘Did Neel say you aren’t beautiful?’
‘No.’
‘Then?’
‘His behaviour did. I didn’t make fun of him. It was that guy.’
‘Why did the guy do so?’
‘It was because…it was because…’ I checked myself. I couldn’t tell her why the guy made fun of Neel and me. She kept looking at me expectantly.
‘Nothing Yo-didun. You won’t get it.’ I went to bed, stretched myself, and pretended to be asleep. I was sure Yo-didun must have understood it was something I couldn’t share, but thankfully she didn’t pester me about it. That night I missed having a sibling, a best friend, a family, parents…Neel. When I told him I loved him, it wasn’t a joke. As I slept with tears drying on my cheeks, I finally decided it was I who had to do something about my love story. I didn’t know what Neel thought about us at that point of time, but I would apologize. I would, if that’s what he wanted to hear from me.
‘Are you still pursuing him?’asked Yo-didun.
I turned on my bed. It was dark so an eye contact was not possible but I knew she was looking at me.
‘In a way.’
‘Stop it from tomorrow.’
‘What?’
‘He should feel he has lost you. After then, if he comes to claim you, be his. Else don’t. A palm can’t hold on to something if the fingers decide not to curl up. If you need to hold onto your relationship, you both have to work for it.’
Yo-didun had a point. An instant ago, I was thinking of apologizing to Neel even though I had done nothing wrong, but now I was pretty sure I would do what Yo-didun said. There was a fear of losing Neel for I didn’t know if he at all would care if I stopped pursuing him. But then if he didn’t care my taking a back-step then what was the point of loving someone who didn’t understand your feelings for him?
From the next day onwards, I started avoiding Neel. I didn’t glance at him or even make him feel that I knew he existed. It was tough for me but as Yo-didun said, the palm alone can’t hold onto something. The taunts from the other classmates continued but the intensity died down. I was sure if Neel and I came together, it would regain its notoriety once again. The point was: would Neel dare to accept me irrespective of the stupid TGIF tag, the taunts, the mocking? And by daring to do so, would he make our love story a great one? It was a test I knew whose result I wanted to see alright but I was scared too. For if the results were negative, then I didn’t know if I would ever be able to fall in love with a guy again in this life with the same kind of passion and piousness I felt for Neel.
On the tenth day of my avoidance of Neel, I got a piece of paper in one my notebooks during the English class. Our teacher had taken our notebooks for correction after a class test and Neel had been given the responsibility of distributing the notebooks in class. Though I didn’t see him do it, I was sure he must have slipped in the piece of paper while distributing the notebooks. The piece of paper read: Want to talk. Please be here in the class after school. After reading the note, I looked at Neel for the first time after ten days only to notice that he was already looking at me. We exchanged a smile. The hiccups that my life was suffering till then had finally stopped.
I did stay back in the classroom after school. And so did Neel. He was half-sitting on the teacher’s desk while I was leaning back on the adjacent wall. He initiated the conversation.
‘I’m sorry Titiksha. I really am.’
‘Sorry for what?’
‘For behaving so weirdly with you after the garage incident. It wasn’t your fault.’
‘So why exactly did you behave that way knowing well that it wasn’t my fault?’
‘I don’t know. Perhaps…’ Neel lowered his head and was softer when he continued, ‘I took what that idiot said that night a bit too seriously.’
‘You mean you believe you deserve someone better than me?’
He lifted his face and blurted out, ‘No! I didn’t say that. But…’ He again went soft. ‘I did consider it.’
‘And so you didn’t talk to me.’
Neel nodded his head subtly with a guilty expression.
‘Look at me Neel,’ I said. ‘If I looked anything like Avni, and you know what I mean, we would have had a make-out session already, isn’t it?’
Neel was quiet. Since he was quiet, I had the right to decide the answer to my liking. And it was obvious.
‘You can tell it to my face Neel that you don’t love me. I won’t mind,’ I said after I had mercilessly killed something within me.
‘I love you Titiksha and that’s why I am talking to you today. In all these days that I tried to ignore you, you invaded me all the more. If that’s not love then I don’t know what is.’
I was happy to hear him. After a long time, I was happy. In fact I had rarely encountered that kind of happiness before. It gave me a feeling that if I didn’t do anything in life anymore, I would have still lived it to its core.
‘Thanks Neel.’
He came to me and hugged me tight. I could feel his breath on my ears and neck. It tickled my senses. He spoke maintaining the tight hug.
‘But I don’t like the way people talk about you and me.’
‘Do you mean the TGIF tag?’
‘Yes. It affects me, and I hate it. I feel like smashing their faces. The worse is it’s not
only about me. It’s about you and me. And when something happens to you, and I am not able to do anything about it, I feel weak.’
I smiled. There was something emotionally arousing about the way he was being protective about me. I broke the hug and looked deep into his eyes. I noticed he didn’t look totally happy. And I knew why.
The kind of background I came from didn’t let me open myself up the way Avni must have opened up in front of Neel. I knew if we made-out, we could have connected all the more intensely, but I couldn’t pull myself to doing so. It wasn’t a matter of moral courage. Had it been only about courage, I would have made out with Neel. I wasn’t ready for it; that’s all. I could sense Neel wanted to make-out. Let’s say Neel would have been happier had I instigated our making-out session or was more frank about it like Avni. I wasn’t. I couldn’t be that frank just as yet, because there was so much emotional junk within me that I had piled on since childhood, that I had to clean them up before I took the step that I thought Neel and I deserved to take. I needed time for that.
Something struck me seeing Neel’s upset face. ‘I have a solution.’
‘What?’
‘Can’t we just lie to everyone that we did make-out?’
My suggestion made him look slightly happier than he was.
Chapter 10
WHO KILLED TITIKSHA?
‘I guess that’s enough for now,’ Neel says pressing the corner of his eyes on either side of his nose. He needs rest but he can’t. He has to find the guy Titiksha was dating or, he presumes, has murdered Titiksha and left her pieces in their flat. With each passing minute, the presumption is turning into reality. He’ll chop the guy into double the number of pieces the moment he gets to him. It’s a non-negotiable resolve.
At the moment he is with Nivrita in a CCD outlet in Lake Town, the only time he has managed to write the last three chapters sitting in front of Nivrita. She had wanted to come to his place and narrate another portion of the story in the privacy he always asks for, but for obvious reasons Neel requests her to meet somewhere outside.
‘That’s so unlike you,’ Nivrita had remarked.
Sitting opposite Neel and sipping the last of her strong Macchiato, she can feel something’s wrong with him. On other days Neel is rather still in public places. But today he is moving a lot. Sometimes he touches his eyes, sometimes he looks around like a spy, or at times he cracks his fingers, or scratches the back of his head.
‘You look a bit bothered and disconnected. Any news of Titiksha?’ Nivrita says wiping her mouth with a tissue.
Neel moves his hand away from his face. There’s a momentary uncomfortable eye connect with Nivrita after which he nods his head.
‘Did you report a missing case with the police?’ She takes out a small hand mirror and checks if her makeup is in place. She then runs her fingers through her hair.
Neel nods.
‘What are they saying?’ Nivrita puts the mirror back in her bag and sits in a laidback manner.
‘Nothing. The inspector said he would get in touch the moment he gets something worthwhile. In fact…’ Neel stops. He isn’t sure he should say what he has in his mind to Nivrita or not. What will she think?
‘In fact what?’ She urges him to go on.
‘In fact,’ Neel reluctantly says, ‘I don’t think the police will ever be able to find her.’
‘Why is that?’ She folds her hand and keeps them on the table looking straight at Neel.
‘I didn’t give the inspector any photograph of Titiksha. How will they identify her?’
Nivrita laughs out. Neel doesn’t like it.
‘Dude, are you mad? Don’t you want the police to get to Titiksha?’
‘I don’t have any photograph of hers.’
‘You don’t?’ She is serious now.
‘I do. But not at my parents’ place. I had to check for photographs at my place, but totally forgot about it.’ With the dead body thing, everything else had totally slipped from his mind. He makes a mental note to check for her pictures the moment he reaches his flat again. But what’s the point now? Even if he gives a photograph to Inspector Parimal Biswas, how will he be able to locate Titiksha for him? She is inside his refrigerator, resting in pieces. Neel feels like throwing up. Neel gulps down a glass of water all at once and keeps it on the table. He notices Nivrita place her palm on her cheek and look intently at him.
‘I think you have lost her.’
How right she is, like always; Neel wonders. He has lost Titiksha forever now.
‘I know.’ Neel is cautious about what he says. He can’t tell Nivrita or for that matter anyone the heinous truth just as yet. Only when the guy who was dating Titiksha secretly, confesses the crime, Neel would be able to tell everyone how he panicked seeing Titiksha’s clothes in front of his rented flat and what he did thereafter. God, Titiksha is no more. Neel feels like crying then and there but somehow holds back his tears. He doesn’t have enough time to even rue over the fact that Titiksha is no more. He may have slept with Nivrita, but he loves Titiksha. He would have never left her for Nivrita. Never ever. Not even if she didn’t help him publish his book. But then Titiksha herself would have left him since she was having an affair with someone else. It’s such an emotional quandary—to love and cry over a girl who you know would have left you soon. Neel holds his head and looks down trying not to think too much about it.
‘What is it that you are hiding, Neel?’ Nivrita says gently caressing his hair.
Neel slowly looks up at her. She removes her hand.
‘You saw the guy that day, isn’t it?’ Neel says slowly, weighing down each word. Neel was waiting for an opportunity to put it in front of Nivrita. The story narration is an excuse. Neel wants Nivrita’s help in tracing the other guy.
‘Oh, don’t tell me you are still into was-the-guy-better-than-me and likewise nonsense.’
‘Did you see the guy that day, Nivrita?’ This time Neel is more assertive.
‘You know it was dark inside the washroom. I only saw silhouettes and probably a glance of his face, but I have no recollection of it. Why do you have to know about the guy? You better concentrate on finding Titiksha.’
‘Hmm,’ Neel grunts.
Almost a minute goes by with no words spoken. Then Nivrita abruptly leans forward and says in an exited manner, ‘I have an idea.’
Neel looks eager hoping Nivrita will let him know of a way to zero down on the guy.
‘What if I shift with you now?’
If words were bombs, this was a nuclear blast.
‘Why?’ It’s the loudest Neel has spoken today.
‘Why not? Titiksha isn’t coming and my boy-mate has gone mad. He keeps fighting with me. And we both like each other, don’t we?’
Like each other? Is that a reason to live together under one roof? Whatever happened to the good old society! And this girl is calling him mad?
Neel needs to cite an excuse. In the current scenario, he can’t even have Nivrita in his house for a minute, forget living together in it.
‘What will I tell my parents?’ Neel tries to sound nervous.
‘The obvious,’ Nivrita says with her usual sharpness. ‘That you have found another girlfriend.’
‘They won’t like it. Please try to understand.’ Neel is already pleading. Not a good sign when one is trying to negotiate.
‘How did they accept your living in with Titiksha?’
She seems more of an advocate than a commissioning editor of a publishing house, Neel wonders.
‘They have met her. They liked her.’
‘Then make them meet me. They’ll like me. I know it. You know it.’
It’s an advantage for Nivrita now. Neel is losing this verbal-coaxing-match and is quiet. He looks around with resignation—the way one does when one has nothing left to tell the person one is sitting with. Had he not wanted to be an author, he wouldn’t have tolerated the shit this girl was ranting now.
‘What are you thinking? Call
your parents and tell them you want them to meet your new girlfriend.’
‘Okay, let me find out where Titiksha is first. After that I will talk to my parents about you.’ Neel has thought of a stop-gap.
Nivrita glares at Neel.
‘I get it.’ Nivrita gets up, grasps her shades and wears them in a flash. ‘You don’t like me. Right, Neel? You don’t want to accept me as your girlfriend. Fine. I take it that you only want to fuck me for your own good.’
Neel shuts his eyes in shame while Nivrita storms out. He knows she has said the last sentence aloud, and other people present in the coffee shop will now throw glances that says you-are-such-a-pig. He opens his eyes slightly to see people around him indeed giving him that sort of a glance. He stands up and rushes outside to find Nivrita as well as avoid being looked at.
Once outside CCD, Neel sees her walking ahead furiously. Something about the gait tells him that he will have to pacify her else his debut novel could be in danger. He scampers towards her, and catches up with her in sometime.
‘I’m sorry Nivrita. Don’t take me otherwise. It’s just that I am upset.’
‘And living with me will make you more upset? Is that what you ran up to me for? Fuck you Neel.’
How could he beat this woman at words? Neel is furious with himself for not coming up with a proper excuse. Standing by the footpath he watches Nivrita get into a taxi.
‘Don’t try to get in touch. Ever!’ she says. The taxi moves forward.
What’s that supposed to mean? Oh, whom is he kidding? He knows exactly what’s that supposed to mean. His debut novel has just died. There’s renewed energy in Neel. He wants to chase down Nivrita and apologize. He sprints towards the taxi’s direction. Since the road is clogged with vehicles, he can still see the taxi behind a bus. He soon realizes he is no Superman and gets into another taxi.
‘We need to follow a taxi.’
‘Twenty rupees more,’ the taxi driver says. It’s Kolkata—extra labour, extra charge.
Neel gets in. He can’t jeopardize his debut novel for twenty extra bucks. If he loses Nivrita’s taxi, he will lose her because he still doesn’t know where exactly she stays.
EX Page 18
