by Caragh Bell
Privately, Luca couldn’t believe how sweet he could be either. He had never behaved like this before. He had never had to work for anything in his life. He liked the new him. She made him feel good about himself.
They arrived back to the hotel extremely drunk.
Lydia giggled as Luca tried to insert the key into the lock of their bedroom door.
‘You’re so wasted!’
He gave her a look. ‘Like you can talk.’
They collapsed on the bed minutes later.
‘That was so much fun,’ said Lydia. ‘Who knew absinthe was so nice?’
‘You took to it pretty well. How are you feeling?’
‘I feel like I’m floating.’ She threw her arms up. ‘I feel like I could fly.’
‘Warn me if you feel like hurling.’
She frowned. ‘God Luca, how romantic. You really know how to set the mood.’
With a growl, he jumped on her and pinned her to the bed.
‘We’re going home tomorrow – let’s make the most of it.’
Her eyes glittered. ‘What do you have in mind?’
‘I was thinking about tying you up?’
Wordlessly, she nodded, wildly excited.
‘Take off your clothes then.’
She did as he asked and lay back down on the bed.
He took the cords that were tying back the curtains and gently tied them around her wrists. Then he secured them to the bedposts, making sure that they weren’t too tight.
‘Are you comfortable?’ he asked thickly.
Again she nodded, too turned on to speak. What would he do to her? She writhed in anticipation, waiting for him to make a move.
Turning down the light, he took off his top and his jeans. Decked out only in his boxers, he trailed his fingers from her ankles up to her knees. Slowly, he prised her legs apart and burrowed his head between her legs.
Lydia cried out. Normally, she would grasp his hair but this time she was trapped. She moaned in frustration. She was almost there.
‘Oh Luca,’ she pleaded. She needed him inside her.
‘Not yet.’
Getting up, he left her on the brink. Her chest heaved as she stared at him.
‘Now,’ she whispered, arching her back.
He took a nipple in his teeth.
‘What did you say?’
‘Please, Luca! Now.’
He pulled and sucked until she thought she’d explode.
‘Oh please! Please!’ She was gasping now. If only she could break free. ‘Now!’ It came out as almost a scream.
Pulling her waist up to meet his, he pushed his hard length deep inside her.
She cried out in pleasure, urging him to continue. On and on he went, kissing her furiously as he came, massaging her breast and stroking her skin.
‘As always, that was fucking awesome.’ He was breathing heavily.
She was lost for words. She had never felt this way before. Was it the alcohol? She felt completely sated.
Reaching up, he untied her wrists and rubbed them gently. ‘Are you sure that didn’t hurt?’
She shook her head. ‘It was hot. Next time I tie you up though.’ She got to her feet. ‘I need to pee.’ Then she stopped dead. ‘Oh God, oh no.’
‘What?’
‘A condom. We didn’t use one. Oh Luca, we forgot.’
He jumped to his feet and pulled her into his arms. ‘Calm down. It was one time. It’s no problem. You have enough of that pill in your system anyway to tide you over for a couple of days. Honestly, don’t sweat it.’
Her eyes were worried. ‘Are you sure? Should I take a morning-after pill?’
‘Whatever you think. I can go to the drugstore in the morning.’
‘You’d better,’ she said grimly.
‘Honestly. Calm down.’ He cupped her face with his hands and kissed her. ‘Go to the bathroom and have a shower – then come back to bed. I promise I’ll be on my best behaviour.’
Chapter 37
Colin rang while they were in the airport, waiting to board. Lydia paled when she saw his name flashing on the screen.
‘Hi, Col.’ She tried to sound as normal as possible.
‘Why is your ringtone sounding like you’re abroad?’
She cursed silently. ‘I don’t know. I’m at home.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, really. Where are you?’
‘Still in Dublin. I’m heading back soon. Can I call over?’
She added up the time in her head. They should be back around the same time.
‘Sure, sure. Call over. See you later.’
She hung up, her face troubled.
Luca rubbed her shoulder, concerned. ‘What is it?’
‘It’s Colin. He’s suspicious, I know it. He noticed my ringtone. You know how it sounds different when you’re abroad?’
‘Make him think that he imagined it.’
She bit her lip. ‘No, he knows about us in Austria, so I guarantee he’s on to me.’
‘He knows? Whoa, wait a second. You never told me that.’
She bit her lip. ‘He guessed. What could I say?’
Luca pretended to be annoyed, but was secretly delighted. This was a step in the right direction. He wanted the whole world to know she was his.
Lydia checked her emails as soon as they disembarked in Cork. There were at least twenty messages from online shops and websites offering promotions.
Then she saw three from Dominic.
Her heart constricted.
She accessed the first one. It was a general paragraph on where he was staying and how he was getting on. He hoped her study was going well and did she want anything from the States?
The second was again about the hospital and the people he had met. It also asked if she was all right and why she hadn’t been in touch.
The third was short and to the point. Was she angry with him? What was going on?
‘All cool?’ Luca enquired as they waited for a taxi.
‘Fine, fine. Just trawling through emails. Nothing important.’
‘Can I come home with you?’ His blue eyes searched hers.
Lydia felt her throat constrict. She couldn’t breathe. Being back on terra firma brought her back to reality with a bang.
‘No. Colin is calling over in a while.’ She backed away. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Her tone was final.
She got into a taxi, leaving him standing on the kerb. It was like a spell had been broken. She had closed herself off again.
Tara rang Luca that evening.
‘Where gave you been? I’ve tried your cell a million times.’
‘Nowhere. How are you?’
‘Well, very well in fact. I have a show coming up in the Tate Modern so I’ll be in the UK preparing for it.’
‘That’s cool. I can fly over to meet you.’
‘Are you all right, honey? You sound tired.’ Her lilting voice reminded him of when he was a child.
‘I’m cool. All’s well.’ He fiddled with a pen before speaking again. ‘I sort of hooked up with a girl.’
‘Oh? What’s her name?’
‘It’s Lydia.’ He couldn’t hide the pride in his voice.
There was a lengthy pause. ‘So, she spilt with her boyfriend then,’ she said eventually.
‘Not exactly.’
‘Luca, what’s going on?’ she demanded. ‘I hope you know what you’re doing.’
‘Look, it’s cool, okay? It’s only a matter of time before she leaves him.’
‘Sweetheart, this doesn’t sound good. How are you so sure? Where is he now?’
Goddamn it, why did he tell her?
‘The States: New York, in fact. For a month training. She’ll end it when he gets back.’
‘Did she say that?’ she asked, gently.
‘Not exactly, but I know she will.’ He tried to sound as convincing as possible.
‘Luca, I love you. I’m saying this because you’re my only son. It seems to me that sh
e doesn’t know what she wants. You could end up getting hurt. Think this through.’
‘I have. It’s all I think about. Things will work out, you’ll see.’
He wished he believed himself. His mother had voiced his fears and he didn’t like it one bit.
‘’I’ll call you later in the week. Mind yourself, pet.’
‘Bye, Mom.’
He hung up the phone, feeling uneasy. It was like Paris had never happened. Any closeness they had seemed to have disappeared.
Luca closed his eyes. He had to do something. He had to win.
Samantha eyed Lydia with shrewd eyes.
‘You did what exactly this weekend?’
‘Oh, this and that,’ she answered airily.
‘Lyd, what is with you lately? You’re acting very strangely.’
‘I don’t know what you mean.’ She started filling the sink with sudsy water.
‘You’re not yourself. Is it cos Dom’s away? Is that it?’
‘I guess it is. Look, I don’t want to talk about it, Sam, so just leave it.’ She started whistling pointedly as she washed up.
Please drop it, Sam. Please.
‘I met your mum yesterday. She was all concerned, wondering how you are. She says you never ring anymore – it’s like you’ve cut yourself off.’
Lydia opened her mouth but shut it again. That was it in a nutshell. It was like she had started a whole new existence with Luca, a world where he and her old life could not coexist.
Had she lost her mind? She couldn’t see herself breaking up with Dom. That was a conversation which was not going to happen. They had too much history; they were too involved in each other’s lives for that. He knew her family inside out. They had travelled together. He had held her hand when her nanny had died. He knew all her quirks: the way she hated the peel in marmalade and how she didn’t like raisins in scones. Little things that came from knowing her properly.
With Luca it was different: it was superficial. Sure, they had mind-blowing sex but what did she really know about him? He made her feel alive and excited but how long would that last? Was it the danger that was addictive? If she gave up everything to be with him, would it then become mundane and boring?
What if her mother knew that she was in Paris with him? She baulked at the idea. Or her dad. What would they think? They would be horrified and disappointed. And rightly so.
So, what was she doing? Why was she risking everything for him?
She felt like her head was going to explode.
Samantha was still staring at her with a determined look on her face.
She needed to be alone.
‘I’m going to lie down. Talk later.’ She disappeared into her bedroom.
‘Can I call over?’
‘No.’
‘Lydia, please don’t do this. What happened? Why have things changed?’
‘Look, I’m not in a great place at the moment. I need to sort my head out.’
‘What about me?’
‘Please, Luca.’
‘It’s –’
‘Please.’
She hung up the phone.
Luca grabbed his jacket. This was not happening again. What the hell was wrong this time? He was getting tired of this up and down, this hot and cold. She would have to see him and explain. End of story.
The air was cold as he strode down College Road. Glancing at his watch, he could see that it was noon. Samantha would be at school and there were no lectures until the afternoon. Chances are she would be at home.
When he reached her door, he paused. How would he play this? He had to get through to her.
He knocked twice before she answered. Her hair was dishevelled and she wore an oversized pair of pyjamas. She looked adorable.
‘Luca, why are you –’
‘We need to talk.’ He cut her off and swept past her into the flat.
She closed the door and stared at him. He tried to read her expression, but couldn’t.
‘Look, Lydia. I’m not going through this again. You blowing hot and cold. You can’t just shut me out, you know.’
‘I feel guilty.’
‘About what?’
‘About what? Are you serious? I’m not single, Luca. I have a boyfriend and responsibilities. I don’t want to hurt people for the sake of a quick shag here and there.’
‘Is that all this is? A quick – what did you call it – shag?’
‘No, I mean, yes. Look, you could hardly say that we’re having a proper relationship. All this sneaking around. I’m sorry but I can’t deal with it.’
He ran his fingers through his hair. ‘Look, what we have is special. I know you feel it too. Let’s just try and be together for a while. No pressure.’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Please.’
He had never begged before. This was crazy. What had she done to him?
Her eyes filled with tears. ‘I can’t. You have to understand that I can’t. I’m sorry.’
‘I’m not letting you go.’ He spoke slowly and deliberately. ‘This is not over.’
She put her head in her hands. ‘Please.’
Without another word, he walked out and slammed the door.
Dominic rang that evening.
Lydia answered the phone with an enthusiasm she didn’t know she possessed. She apologised for not being in touch – she blamed her studies and Colin. He laughed and said he was exhausted but having a great time with the staff of the hospital.
She listened to his tales of various cases and made appropriate ‘oh’ noises until he said, ‘Lydia, you are all right, aren’t you?’
Her emotions were in turmoil. She wanted to see him. She wanted the familiarity, the safety, the feeling of security that only he could give her. She wanted to like herself again.
‘Let’s go away when you get back, I don’t care where we go,’ she suggested.
‘That sounds good. I’m due some holidays anyway. You choose.’
‘Just us. No work, no study, no interruptions.’
‘Definitely. I’m looking forward to it already. Lyd, I love you.’
‘I love you, too.’ She meant it.
‘Keep in touch.’
‘Always.’
She hung up the phone. She felt like her old self again. It was like this phone conversation had wiped away some of the shame she felt; it had tempered some of the guilt. She could now see a day where it would all be a distant memory. She yearned to feel normal again. Falling back into her old life was the key.
Chapter 38
Lydia had been stressed about how she would avoid Luca, but in the end nature intervened. She woke with a raging temperature the next day and a worried Samantha drove her home to her mum.
The doctor gave her a cert for a week off to recover, so she decided to stay cocooned in West Cork for the duration.
Her mother made her tea and wiped her brow. Molly entertained her with her tales of the local disco and the rugby boys she currently fancied. It felt good to be in her own bed, with her old posters on the wall.
Luca rang her and texted her constantly for the first few days but after a while he stopped. She was relieved, and hopeful that it was over.
Her survival mechanism was not to think about him. The association of him with the gnawing guilt made this easier. She knew her behaviour was appalling but he knew what he was getting into, didn’t he? At the end of the day, she owed allegiance to Dominic and their relationship.
Paris was wonderful; she had truly loved it, but again it was surreal. A fantasy weekend that existed alone in her head. She would never forget it, but it could not and would not happen again.
Luca would get over it. He probably had already.
When her week was up, she hesitated about going back to the city. It was so much easier to disappear and not deal with things. She couldn’t imagine lectures now, especially if Luca was there. In a flash she remembered their time together and hastily pushed it away.
The exor
cism had begun.
Her mother packed her a box of health-boosting food.
‘You must look after yourself, darling,’ she warned. ‘You’re looking thin and wan.’
‘I will, I promise. Thanks, Mum.’
Her room smelt musty when she arrived back to the empty flat. Dust particles were clearly visible as the sun’s rays streamed through the crack in the curtains. Her sheets were in disarray and there was a mountain of dirty clothes on the ground.
Right, she thought with determination. I’m going to clean this dump.
Two hours later, there was a marked improvement. Her bed was made with fresh clean sheets, her wet clothes were on the clothes horse and she had dusted most of the grime away.
Satisfied, she decided to start dinner. Samantha would appreciate a hot meal after work.
The fridge was empty, except for some leftover curry and a mouldy piece of cheese. There was enough pasta for one person in the larder. It was a disaster.
Grabbing her coat, she decided to go to Tesco and get some supplies.
Samantha arrived home to Bolognese bubbling on the hob and an open bottle of wine on the table.
‘Lyd?’ She looked confused. ‘What the hell?’
‘Hey, I cooked! It won’t be haute cuisine, but I did my best.’
‘Not pesto chicken?’
‘Nope.’
Impressed, Sam took off her coat. ‘You look much better. Are you feeling all right?’
‘I feel fine. It was good to go home and be pampered for a while.’ She smiled. ‘Wine?’
‘Thanks. I’ll just change my clothes.’
She returned five minutes later wearing leggings and a jumper.
‘I missed you while you were away.’
‘How’s work?’ Lydia added some dried oregano to the sauce.
‘Fine, just busy. It’s only a few weeks to midterm.’
‘More holidays?’
‘Don’t start.’ Samantha poured herself a glass of wine. ‘I’m so exhausted.’
Lydia doled out large bowls of spaghetti and placed them on the table. Then she heaved the large casserole pot full of ragù off the hob and lowered it gently onto a placemat. Pouring herself a large glass of red wine and helping herself to the sauce, she attacked her food with enthusiasm.
