by Jordan Marie
It has only been an hour, but I already want to charge back and claim her, just from that one taste. I can’t. The minute she touched me, those damn memories came back. Her sweet voice demanding I take her wasn’t what I heard. It had been replaced by a darker voice.
My hand shakes as I bring the bottle up to my mouth. Fuck. I can’t stand to be touched. I can’t. I don’t allow the whores I’ve been fucking to touch me. I make sure their hands are busy with a friend or I take them from behind. I don’t want their hands anywhere on me. I got nervous when Carrie touched my head, but I managed to drown out the memories with her taste, but fuck, she grabbed me. She said words that were burned into my brain. I lost it. I never meant to hurt her and I know she thinks I did. I didn’t. Hell, as much as I want her I’m not sure I can ever allow myself to actually have her. I’m so tired of living like this.
If I hear one more time about how what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, I may scream. People who say that shit have never been so deep into a hole that they can’t find a way out. They’ve never sat by the window and prayed that the sun would hurry and go down because the night seemed safer. People didn’t move around so much in the nighttime, things weren’t done. The world was at rest. At night the fear that clenched around my heart and held on, eased up—never a lot, but enough so I could pretend to be normal on the outside.
You don’t go through shit and get stronger. That is a lie. You go through shit and lose parts of yourself. Whole fucking pieces, which leave holes so big, so mind-blowingly huge that for people to even say you’ll be stronger? It is complete and utter bullshit.
So that’s where I find myself tonight. Sitting in my car, perched on the edge of a dam. Letting the darkness surround me, letting it cover me and the only friend I have in the world. I look at the empty bottle in my hand. Well scratch that, just me. Seems I’ve drank the last of my friend.
If I were stronger, I would have driven off the edge of this concrete monster and sunk to the bottom of Laurel Lake. This is not the first time I’ve been here. It’s not the first time I’ve thought of ending it all, it’s more like the millionth time. This is something that I have faced every day since I stepped out of the doors of the Federal Prison in West Liberty.
It’s not something that ever leaves my brain. It’s always here. I’ll be driving down the road on my bike enjoying the feel of the cool air on my body when bam, a memory hits. A memory so dark it chokes me. Another vehicle, or even better a coal truck will go by and my hand shakes with the need to cut in front of it.
It would be deemed an accident. Everyone would write it off as if there was a vehicle malfunction or if I had fallen asleep…no one would know I was just another coward too tired to keep moving, too worn out to keep fighting against the current.
What has stopped me up to this point is fear. I am scared. Scared that I’d somehow fuck this up too. Somehow it wouldn’t kill me, I’d be stuck a vegetable and trapped with nothing but my memories for the rest of my life.
I lean back against the seat of the SUV I’m driving. How long have I been here now? An hour? Two? Time doesn’t really register when you’re this far down into hell and the Devil is calling your name. I keep seeing Carrie and her face when I pushed her away, when I hurt her. The fear, the pain and even worse than both of those, was the love. I could always see the love in her eyes. Even before she told me how she felt. It was fucked up that I wanted it, needed it. It was even more fucked up that I kept running away from it and every time I did, bad things happened.
It would be better for her if I wasn’t here. She’d be able to forget me and with the way my brother seems to care about her, they’d be happy. Bull would give her everything I wanted to, but couldn’t. She’d be happy. I want her happy. If I do this it’d give her peace.
I’ve tried blaming her for what happened to me. Truthfully there is no one to blame but myself. I did this. I did it all. Dragon is right. I should have kept my head. I knew better. Fuck, I should have never turned Carrie down to begin with. If I had held her, given her the kiss she wanted, kept her in my arms, then none of this would have happened. It’s all on me. I’m the maker of my own demons. I’m the sole party responsible. I can’t keep lashing out at her, at any one. At the same time, I can’t be the man I once was. That man is dead. He died that night in prison when he was held down and violated against his will. He is not me. Me? I’m just left over residue—the scum that’s left in the strainer when you let the water out of the sink.
I start the vehicle and stare over the water. Laurel Lake brings back so many good memories. Memories of when life was simpler, quieter and happier. Memories of when Jazz was alive and my days were spent watching over her and Carrie, memories of parties with my brothers and just being free.
It seems a good place to let it all go, to let it all just fade away. That’s the last thought I have before I release the park break, jam it into drive and lay on the gas.
9
Carrie
Again I ask myself why I can’t be attracted to Bull. Jacob is an ass. Bull played doctor with my leg, and then he demanded I watch television with him. After popping popcorn, we sit down and watch a Rock Hudson and Doris Day movie. Now I’m sure Bull hates every minute of the movie, but old movies make me giggle and it makes me happy.
“You doing okay, Red?”
I look over to find him staring at me. Bull may not talk much, but I get the feeling he sees a lot more than most do.
“It’s just been a rough day.”
“I should teach him a lesson. You should have let me.”
I sighed. I didn’t want to get started on that again.
“Just let it go. I told you it was an accident.”
“And I told you I didn’t believe it.”
“Tough noodles.”
“Noodles?” Bull asks with a grin.
I shrug, “They can be pretty tough if you don’t cook them, or you know don’t cook them enough.”
He shakes his head and turns back to the television.
“I think I was born in the wrong decade,” I say without meaning to really. It’s just that the silence is a little strained.
“How so?”
“The fifties look so much better. Man wanted woman. Man got woman. Happy ever after.”
“Life isn’t like the movies, Red.”
“Maybe it was in the fifties,” I insist, knowing I am being silly.
“In that case we’re all screwed.”
“Why’s that?”
“Have you watched The Thing? Invasion of the Body Snatchers? War of the Worlds? The Blob?”
I start laughing, I can’t help it.
“Okay, well maybe you have a small point,” I concede.
“Of course I’m kind of bummed now,” he adds and he gets this cocky look in his pretty brown eyes and they sparkle with laughter. A girl could just sigh. Why can’t I want him instead of Jacob?
“Bummed?”
“Yeah, I mean it might be good to be attacked by a fifty foot woman.”
I throw popcorn at him as he tosses his head back in laughter. It’s a nice sound, full of life, robust and rich sounding. The smile I give him this time is completely sincere.
We start our second movie when Bull’s phone rings.
“Speak.”
I watch as he listens to whoever is on the other side. It must have been bad news because this cold look comes over his face.
“What about Red? I can’t leave her alone…Yeah…Okay…no I’ll be there, but I’m going to kick his ass for pulling this shit,” he barks and hangs up.
“Red, there’s been an accident.”
Bull barely gets the words out and the room starts swimming.
“Fuck! Breathe, Red,” Bull says kneeling down in front of me. I’m just glad I am sitting on the couch, or I would have fallen.
“I’m sorry. Red, I didn’t think.”
“It’s stupid I know, it’s just…”
“It’s just that I’m an
idiot and forgot about your parents and your past. It’s okay though. I promise you everyone is okay.”
“Dragon? Nicole?”
Bull grimaces and the strain on his face makes my heart stumble again.
“Oh no, please tell me that Nic…”
“It wasn’t Nicole, it was Dancer.”
“Jacob?” I close my eyes as fear washes over me.
“He’s okay, just banged up, but I need to…”
“I’m going with you,” I whisper trying to stand up.
“You can’t. It’s too dangerous. I won’t be long, keep the doors locked. Dragon is sending a prospect over to guard the house while I’m gone.”
“Bull, I’m going with you. I need to see Jacob. I need to make sure he is okay.”
“You are supposed to stay here. Dragon is sending Frog to watch over you,” Bull says getting his coat.
I ignore him and make my way to the door.
“Where are you going? Damn it, Red.”
I hear him growl as I hurry out the door. I’m climbing into the passenger seat when I hear the screen door slam. He gets in with more door-slamming and shoots me an evil glare. He throws my sweater at me.
“At least put this on,” he demands.
It feels like it takes us forever to get to the hospital. Realistically, I know that’s not true. It’s about a twenty minute drive. Still, the minutes tick by and it feels like I can hear every one of them echo inside of me.
Bull barely has the car in park before I’m jumping out. My hands are sweaty and my mouth feels so dry. I haven’t been inside a hospital since the night I lost my parents. It’s funny what you remember after something like that happens. The sterile smell, the sound of the sliding doors whooshing as people go in and out, the annoying sound of laughter from the employees, the memories all comes rushing back. There is just so much, it bombards me. I ignore it, going to the big reception desk that’s marked with the sign REGISTRATION above it.
“I’m looking for Jacob Blake?” I ask the rather bored looking woman sitting at the front desk in the emergency room. Before she can answer I hear Bull’s name being called out.
“Yo, Bull!” Alexander hollers and I start running towards him.
“Carrie darlin’, what happened to you?” Alexander asks and I have no idea what he’s talking about. Me? I need to know about Jacob!
“How’s Jacob?” I ask. He looks over at Bull instead of answering me and if I was a different person I would have grabbed him, made him focus on me and answer my question!
Bull puts his arm around my shoulder when he gets to us and gives Alexander a bored expression. “She fell and hurt her leg.”
Oh…okay so that’s what he meant. Like that even matters! I mean I’m limping! I’m not in the hospital! Jacob could be…
“Then she should have her ass at home like Dragon ordered,” Alexander says and okay that’s it. I’ve had it. I stomp my foot, which really was a stupid thing to do because it was my bad leg and it hurt like freaking Hades!
“HOW IS JACOB!?!?!?”
Bull and Alexander both look at me like I have three heads. I push my hair off my face wondering if I should go back to the nurse, I turn to try and do that but Bull stops me by putting pressure on my shoulder and keeps me at his side.
“Damn…where do the brothers keep finding them?” Alexander asks and heaven help me if he doesn’t start making sense soon I may have to kill him.
“Fuck if I know brother. How is Dance?”
The easy-going attitude slowly slides off Alexander’s face and my stomach turns. It’s bad. I can see it written all over him. If something happens to Jacob…I can’t take it…I just wouldn’t be able to…I sway a little at the thought of losing the only man I ever loved. He may have hated me, but at least he was still alive.
The thought of a world without Jacob is so physically painful the tears I have been trying to hold in break free. Bull pulls me tighter to him and I go because honestly I don’t think my feet can remain under me.
“He’s…”
“He’s going to be just fine,” Nicole interrupts Alexander as she comes out of a door behind us.
My eyes lock on hers to see if she is lying to me. Since I’ve been at the Savage MC, I have learned several things and one of those Nicole can’t lie. Her eyes give her away every time. When she looks at me dead on, I can see she truly believes that. It’s the first time I’ve taken an easy breath since Bull’s phone rang.
“See, Red? Now you need to let Crusher take you…”
“I’m staying.”
“Red…”
“I know if it was Dragon in there, I wouldn’t leave. Leave her alone Bull, Dance needs her,” Nicole interrupts as she pats my shoulder. “Let me take you back to where his room is.”
Bull and Alexander give us strange looks but they let us go. I follow Nicole through a door and we start walking down a hallway.
“How bad is it?” I ask because the silence and our echoing footsteps are driving me crazy.
“He’ll be fine. There are some things that you need to know. Things these stupid men in their effort to protect Dancer, won’t tell you,” She says, turning in front of me and stopping our progress.
I nod once and freeze, because she doesn’t know what I overheard earlier. Will she hate me too? As much as I hate myself?
“Carrie, while Dancer was unconscious tonight…he had this dream…” Nicole starts and her voice is quiet and full of sadness and my heart stalls. I mean I know. I had probably heard the same things, but a part of me is in denial. I want to pretend I hadn’t heard it. Something like that was just too horrible to happen to Jacob.
I swallow, trying to find my voice.
“Carrie, I think he was hurt, while in prison. I think maybe he was raped…”
I stop her immediately. I do not want to hear that word. I do not want her to say that word. I do not want her to know that dark secret. That secret should be Jacob’s. It should be Jacob’s and he should be allowed to bury it so deep that it never reaches the outside world again.
“I know,” I say my voice is full of pain and panic and it sounds harsh.
Nicole looks at me questioningly.
“I uh… he was at the house while Bull was gone. He…the dream…he had it then.”
Nicole nods.
“Do you love him? I mean really love him?”
“Yes,” I answer instantly.
“You’re going to have to swallow a lot of crap to get to him, Carrie. Honey, it’s so bad. I’m not sure you will be able to get through to him.”
“You’ve dealt with this before?” I ask.
“That’s not my story to tell, Carrie. Let me just say, I love someone who has that same darkness in them. It changes who they are, in ways you can’t explain.”
I nod.
“Dancer is at rock bottom, Carrie. If any man needed a woman to stand by him—It’s him.”
I nod again. I don’t think I can find my voice at this point.
“Dragon and the boys they aren’t going to tell you this. They think they are protecting Dancer. I can’t say they’re completely wrong. What I can say, is that if you love him? If you are going to fight for him? Fight to stay with him?”
“I am.”
I don’t know where that answer came from. It pops out of my mouth but as it does, it feels right. I put Jacob in the mess he is in. It is because of me he was in jail. It is because of me he was vulnerable. I owe it to him to try and help now. I want to help.
Nicole smiles a sad smile, as if she knew what my answer would be all along, and she probably did. She loves Dragon. She knows how I feel about Jacob. I don’t have a choice, other than to try and help him.
“The accident tonight, I mean it wasn’t—an accident. Jacob drove off the Laurel Lake Dam.”
“I…”
“He drove off of it all on his own and he didn’t try to get out of the car.”
“Oh god,” I cry out my legs giving out and I sink onto
the floor as my eyes fill with tears.
“If it wasn’t for a person walking on the lakefront, watching, and rescuing him, Dancer would have died tonight, Carrie. I’m pretty sure he’ll be upset he’s not dead. You need to know that if you’re going to stay around, honey.”
I nod, my knees cradling my head. Nicole bends down in front of me and her hand touches the side of my face. I look up at her.
“It will get worse before it gets better. He will never be the man you remember, Carrie. You need to know that.”
Those words cut me open inside. Can you die from bleeding internally from emotional wounds? It feels like I am.
“But, the man you love. There are pieces of him in there; there are new parts of him to love. If you are strong, you can help him come out the other side, you just have to be able to love the new him too.”
“You seem to know a lot about this, but Jacob and I…I mean he’s never let me inside, we’ve never had a real relationship. Nicole, what if I’m the wrong person to do this? What if I fail?”
“It’s a horrible thing to see happen to someone you love, Carrie. I don’t know what to tell you. I just know Dancer has a history with you. I also know that you’re the only one who has a chance of getting close to him right now.”
“Dragon and the men at the club they’d be better…they know him…”
“No. Something like that makes a victim feel powerless. Dancer wouldn’t let his brothers in enough. He won’t let them see. You, he might allow in. You, he might let help.”
I nod. I don’t know how she knows this. What I do know is, I can hear the truth in her voice. She believes what she is saying and something makes me believe it too.
She gives me a weak smile.
“Then suck it up, dry those tears and go in there and fight tooth and nail for your man because you will have to fight.”
I wipe my face and slowly rise back to my feet. She points me to Dancer’s room and turns to go.
