by Jordan Marie
“Who knows, they were both kids though. Crush tried to save her and couldn’t. He blames himself.”
“How did she die?”
“Her own father shot her and then turned the gun on himself. Crush was the first to find her,” Gun says with distaste, and who could blame him? Even as jealousy hits me, my heart breaks for this unknown girl.
“He told you all of this?” I ask him, not even noticing we’re now dancing on our second song.
“He had nightmares about her in the service, broke down and told me and Freak about it one night while he was drunk, some ghosts don’t let go.”
Fuck, don’t I know that better than anyone?
“Why are you telling me?”
“Because, you can be a hard bitch, but I see that same haunted look in you. Just thought it’d be good if you knew Crush gets it.”
Jesus, men are clueless. He doesn’t even realize he’s ripped me to shreds. I look at my hand, the way it lightly trembles on his shoulder, and know I need to get out of here and soon. I’ve not had an attack since Zander came and got me, but I can feel this one coming, and it’s going to be bad.
“Can you take me home?” I ask, because I know I can’t drive. There’s just no way.
“I can get Crush to…”
“No!” I yell before I can stop myself. “I mean I don’t want to bother him, I just…I really need to get out of here.”
“Sure, Ice. Come on.” He takes my hand and leads me off the dance floor.
I follow him like a robot. I feel like I’ve taken a knife to the gut, and since that’s happened before, I’m all too familiar with the feeling. Trouble is, this one hurts more than the real knife ever did. As we leave the club, I don’t look at the table Zander is sitting at. I don’t look at anything but the back of Gun’s cut, stumbling behind him, and wondering if I will survive. The nightmares Zander’s been having? Were they really about this Melly? Does he see the same darkness that Gunner sees? Is he trying to save me because he couldn’t save Melly? The woman he loved, the first woman he loved? Heat surges through me, heating my face. I feel like such a fool. I knew it was too good to be true that someone like Zander could want to be with me, for me—love me for me…
When we get back to the house, Gun insists on going inside and making sure everything is okay. After he inspects every room he comes back down. I’ve already downed some meds. I’m sitting on the couch and trying desperately not to cry until he leaves. I don’t know why the possibility that Zander is only with me to try and fix what he couldn’t with someone else hurts… so deeply. I know I’m probably not even acting logical. Then again, I’ve never been logical. All I know right now is my world is upside down, because with Zander, I wanted one thing. I wanted a piece of something good. Something that was all mine. Something that had nothing to do with anything or anyone else, just me.
I’m so broken and lost in my own misery that I don’t even realize I’m already crying, until Gun comes and sits beside me, pulling me into his arms. The echoes of my cries can be heard in the quiet room. Gun says nothing, he just holds me. Turns out that’s exactly what I needed because I just let it all out. I cry for everything I’ve lost over the years, everything that’s been done. I cry for everything I want, and everything I’ll never have. I cry for me. I grieve for me, and then, when I’ve finished, I cry for one other person. I cry for Melly, for a girl who should have had everything wonderful in the world including the best man I’ve ever known in my life. The girl whose life was stolen from her by a bastard just like Michael. I hope they get to meet each other in hell someday.
22
Crusher
I’m fucking pissed. I pull up in my woman’s driveway to see Gun’s bike in the driveway. When I watched the two of them leave I wanted to beat the shit out of him. I didn’t. I stayed where I was. Dragon wanted a meeting after the party with me, Bull, and Dance. So, I had to stick around. In four fucking hours, Gun never returned, and now, I find him here. He is not moving in on my woman. No fucking way. That shit ain’t going to fly. I jump off my bike and make a bee line for the house. When I come through the kitchen, I can see Dani asleep on the couch with her head in Gun’s lap. He’s sitting there watching TV, combing his fingers through Dani’s hair, and I see mother fuckin’ red.
I don’t even think about it. I charge in and grab him by the upper arm and haul him off the couch. Now, Gun and I are close to the same size, but I’m pissed and I catch him unaware. I can see out of the corner of my eye that Dani almost gets pulled off the couch with him, but she stops herself. I can’t stop to think of her just yet. I have Gun up and my fist plowed into the side of his face before he can get his feet under him. He sways back against a chair, but damn it, he doesn’t fall. He comes at me and lands a pretty solid hit into my stomach, but I bring my knee up, grabbing the back of his head, and slamming him into it. This time he falls on the floor, blood spurting from his nose, and I feel immense satisfaction until a remote control slaps me hard across the side of the face before falling to the ground.
Dani threw the remote control at me, and she’s standing in front of the couch breathing fire at me. She gives me a look that could kill a lesser man, and then goes to Gun’s side.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” she growls, going down to inspect Gun’s nose. She yanks her t-shirt over her head, and now only has on a sports bra thing that she uses to work out in. Again, I must say, fuck no!
“What the hell are you doing? Put your motherfucking shirt back on. Wasn’t it enough you were hanging all over each other when I got here?”
She pushes the bottom of her shirt against Gun’s nose. Asshole that he is, he just sits there and watches me.
“You have completely lost your damned mind, Zander. What the fuck gives you the right to storm in here and start throwing punches at anyone?”
“Well hell, could it be that my woman had her motherfucking head in another man’s lap?’
“So? It’s not like I was sucking on his cock! I was sleeping!”
“You shouldn’t be sleeping on any fucking part of another man’s body! Besides, I know you weren’t giving him head, that’d be a fucking miracle.”
She freezes, and I know I’ve gone too far. In the last couple of months, I’ve done everything, but get down on my hands and knees and beg her to take my cock like that. Still, I shouldn’t have said that shit, especially in front of Gun.
“I can’t believe you right now,” she says, her voice quiet, but hard at the same time.
“Yeah well, excuse me if I get pissed off when I see my woman getting close to another man.”
“Did you see me snatching Carrot by her hair and dragging her away from you?” she asks, going into the kitchen. I give Gun another hateful look and this time the motherfucker looks entirely too cocky.
“What the hell you looking at?” I growl at him.
“Another one bites the dust,” he says cryptically, and I don’t have time to figure it out because, I’m busy trying to decipher Dani’s words.
“Why would you grab Carrot? I ask, thoroughly confused.
“Gee I don’t know, maybe because she keeps hanging all over what is supposed to be mine. Always with those big eyes. Saying Alexander this and Alexander that. It’s pretty damned pathetic.”
“Are you jealous?” I ask in amazement. That was apparently the wrong thing to ask because a kitchen bowl comes sailing at my face. I dodge to the side just in time. The bowl was metal and falls against an end table with a loud clang. Gunner walks around me and hands Dani her shirt. She takes a sandwich bag filled with ice and wraps it in a kitchen towel putting it gently against his nose with a hiss, and bites her lip. She’s so concerned about him that I want to hit the son of a bitch again. Gunner has been hurt worse from throwing punches in the ring we keep when one of us wants to let off steam. So, when the son of a bitch wiggles his eyebrows, I make a note to kick his ass, when he can’t hide behind my woman. “Answer me, woman! Are you jealous?”<
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“Fuck you, Zander,” she growls, stomping out of the kitchen heading towards our bedroom.
I follow her, stopping beside Gunner to throw a fucking elbow into his side. “Get the fuck out of here before I kick your ass so hard they’ll find pieces of you on Highway 80 for the next fucking twenty years.” His laughter echoes behind me as I go find Dani.
“Shouldn’t have tried to keep you two a secret, Crush Man.”
“Fuck off.”
I slam our bedroom door against the wall when I come in. She’s searching through her closet and comes out with one of my faded t-shirts. It’s the one I let her sleep in, when I allow her to wear clothes to our bed. Which honestly, isn’t very damn often. Hell, even if I do, I always end up taking it off her in the middle of the night. I’m getting hard just thinking about it, and I need to have this out with her. Damn woman has me so messed up over her, I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
“Answer me, Dani. Are you jealous of Carrie?”
“See? That right there!”
“What?” I ask, completely clueless.
She goes into the bathroom for a second, coming back out without her jeans on, and rubbing that face cream between her hands she always puts on her face before we crash. She stands in front of the mirror, rubbing her face, and all I can think is, she is everything I have ever wanted. Everything.
“Carrie! See?”
“Woman, you need to start making more sense!”
She turns to me, then drying her hands on a towel she finds on the dresser.
“You call her Carrie! No one else does! Not one of them! They all call her Red, but not you, no way! You call her Carrie!”
“It’s her name!”
“And she’s sweet! She’s so damned sweet she makes my teeth hurt.”
I fall back on the bed, letting my elbows prop me up. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be here for a while. “Is there a problem with Carrie being sweet?”
“She calls you Alexander! You call her Carrie!”
“Sweet fucking mother of Hell! That’s our names!”
“Do you hear anyone else using them? No! Just you two! And she zeros in on you, no matter where we are or who is around! She sees you, and it’s like a heat seeking missile or something. Bam! Zander’s here! Cue Carrie!”
“What the hell do you want from me? Do you want me to hurt her, just so you will feel better? Is that it?”
“No! She’s who you deserve!”
With those words, I’m not finding this so funny anymore. “What the fuck are you talking about, Hellcat?”
“She’s sweet, and kind, and good. She’s beautiful, innocent, and everything you should have!”
I look at her like she’s insane. Does she not look in the mirror? Does she not realize how she is with me when we’re alone?
“She’s also in love with Dance,” I try reasoning with her first, because other than fucking a woman or eating her pussy, I haven’t really dealt with this drama bullshit.
“That’s just because you don’t press it. If you did, the minute you had sex, she’d be yours.”
The way she says that, grates my nerves.
“You know Hellcat, I am more than just a cock.”
“I know that!”
“It sure doesn’t sound like it,” I grunt, falling back on the bed. Jesus, this relationship stuff is for the birds.
“I just meant with her you’d have someone who isn’t scarred and broken. She doesn’t know the ugly in the world. You could make her happy. She’d love you, and give you babies, and the life you deserve.”
“Jesus, you got all this from her calling me by my first name?”
She’s got these big tears in her eyes, and my gut twists, yet again. I really need to kill the motherfucker who hurt her.
“You should go, Zander. This isn’t working.”
“The hell it isn’t!” I growl. “Get over here now, Dani,” I order.
“Zander…”
“Now, Dani. Don’t make me come to you, get your uptight, high maintenance, drama filled ass over here, now.” She doesn’t move. I stare her down. “Now.”
She frowns, but it’s more with sadness and confusion than anger. With a broken, dejected noise, she walks towards me. When she gets close enough, I reach out and grab her hand, and pull her down on top of me. I slide my hands up under the t-shirt, my dick instantly hardening at the feel of her soft skin, so heated to my touch. I pull her until our faces are mere inches apart.
“Quit trying to give me away, Dani. I’m not going anywhere. I’m yours.”
“You deserve someone better…”
I sigh and hold her tight and roll over, bracing my weight. She’s now on the bottom, and I’m on top of her. “You do realize there’s a very good chance you could be pregnant?”
“Zander…”
“I mean it, we’ve been fucking nonstop, and I haven’t used protection since that first time. Unless you’re on the pill?”
“I’m not, but…”
“So, it’s entirely possible.”
“No…I can’t have children, Zander.”
The words are whispered like a dirty secret and that haunted look I see in her eyes grabs me. I’ve seen it before, but it’s never been more blatant than it is right now. I lean down to kiss her forehead, wishing only to comfort her.
“Doctors have been wrong before, Hellcat.”
“Not this time,” she whispers, avoiding my eyes.
“Nonsense, you just didn’t have the right man before, we’ll prove the doctors…”
“You can’t fix what’s not there anymore, Zander.”
“What are you saying?”
“Have you noticed that we’ve had sex almost every night, and you never had to worry about me having periods or anything?” she says, looking at the wall, and still not at me. Her voice sounds…dead.
“That’s just another reason we should…”
“You still don’t understand,” she whispers, and this time her eyes turn and seek mine and the look of pure agony in them rips me wide open. A part of me wishes she would look away again, the pain is that intense. She pulls away so she can roll to her back. I turn on my side so I can see her, connect with her. I want her to know she’s not alone. Her hand has a fine tremble in it as she reaches her stomach. It moves across her womb in a slow, stumbling movement. “I forgot. It was just once. I hadn’t slept, and I was so tired…”
“Hellcat, you don’t have to tell me this,” I tell her, because her voice is getting so weak, so lost. My breath stops in my throat. She doesn’t hear me. I can tell. Her eyes are focused on the ceiling, and she’s lost in thought. I don’t know what’s coming, but I know it’s bad. I place my hand over hers, hoping she absorbs some of my heat, that maybe I can reach her, and pull her out of whatever hell she’s fallen into.
“I was sick. It’s not an excuse, but I had a high fever, and the salad Michael allowed me to eat wouldn’t stay down. I was so weak. I was cramping, but I thought…I thought it was because I hadn’t eaten, except for the salad. I only meant to lay on the floor for a little bit. Just long enough to rest. I was so dizzy. When I woke up, there was blood. There was so much more than there should have been…I must have slept. It was dark outside. Michael would be home any minute, and I had to clean it up. He didn’t like…nothing could be dirty. I cleaned. It was clean, I swear. It was, it sparkled, just like he always wanted.”
“I’m sure it was. You did good, Hellcat,” I tell her, because fuck I don’t have any other words. I don’t know what to say.
“No, I forgot…”
“What did you forget?” I ask, afraid to know.
“I left the bloody cleaning cloth in the trash. I knew better. There were protocols, rules I needed to follow. I was so tired, Zander…so tired.”
“I know sweetheart, I know. Tell me what happened next, Dani.”
She turns to me then, and she’s looking at me like I should know what happened. I think I do, but I need to he
ar it from her lips. I need to hear her hell, and then I need to spend the rest of my life, dragging her far away from it.
“Michael said if I couldn’t remember to clean up after myself, he’d fix it so I’d never have to worry about it again,” she says, her hand gripping her stomach so tight under my hand, I get afraid she is going to hurt herself. I move down to kiss her hand slowly, so not to startle her. I pull her fingers from her stomach.”
Fuck, no.
“What did he do, Dani?”
“He cut…he…there was a knife…he was so mad. I should have known better. I was stupid. So stupid,” she whispers, crying. The tears are silent, there are no loud sobs. I think if there was, I could handle them better. No, these are just long silent tear drops falling from her eyes and her eyes are full of grief.
“I’m sorry baby, I’m so sorry.” I pull her hand up and kiss her stomach, the skin there is smooth. There are two little small scars. One on the edge of her belly-button, and the other underneath it.
“Did they arrest him, sweetheart?” I ask, knowing that they must have, but needing assurance. I’m going to have Freak start hunting this motherfucker down—tonight.
“No, Michael sat on the board of the hospital. It’s amazing what money can do,” she whispers. “Besides he had them convinced I did it, because I didn’t want the baby.”
“Baby?” I ask my heart coming to a stop before painfully starting again. There was so much more than there should have been. Her words come back to me. Shit! She had miscarried, and then the fucking son of a bitch…I couldn’t even think of the words. I couldn’t.
“I hated her father, Zander. I did…but I would have wanted my baby. I would have loved her…”
That’s when the silent tears break over into full sobs. I kiss her stomach, then lay beside her, and gather her in my arms, letting her cry. Hell, I want to join her. I brush her hair over and over with my hand, letting my fingers sift through the dark waves. Each tear she sheds breaks me a little more.
I’m going to find this Michael and kill him. Then bring him back just to kill him again, over and over. Motherfucker, I am going to kill him so many times his corpse will rot before I am finished.
