MEMO TO CAPTAIN SISKO
FROM QUARK, PROPRIETOR QUARK’S ENTERPRISES, INC.
In regards to your question of why power consumption at Quark’s Bar (a wholly owned subsidiary of O.E.I.) has increased dramatically during this last month, the answer is quite simple: increased Klingon usage of the holosuites. As you may be aware, full-impact Klingon Exercise Holoprograms drain much more energy than my usual, more soothing fare. Additionally, Klingons tend to have considerably more endurance than my other clients, so average holosuite booking times have also increased. In the interests of continued good relations with the Klingons, I ask that my power allocation be raised accordingly.
MEMO TO CAPTAIN SISKO
FROM ROM, DIAGNOSTIC AND REPAIR TECHNICIAN, JUNIOR GRADE
You wanted to know why my brother’s bar is using more power. The answer is simple … replicator inefficiency. His replicators are very old, and since I have begun work in the Engineering Department, I have not had time to conduct proper maintenance on his system. As a result, his replicator power:output ratio has increased from 2.35418:1 to a new high of 4.17455:1. As soon as my workload eases up (in approximately seven to eight months) I will address this problem. Until then, I ask that Quark’s power allocation be raised accordingly.
MEMO TO QUARK
FROM CAPTAIN BENJAMIN LAFAYETTE SISKO (YOUR LANDLORD)
PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT AFTER REVIEWING YOUR MEMO AND THAT OF YOUR BROTHER ROM, I AM OFFICIALLY REDUCING YOUR MONTHLY POWER ALLOCATION. BEFORE YOU COMPLAIN THAT THIS IS UNFAIR, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I’M WELL AWARE OF THE LIVE VOLE FIGHTS THAT YOU HAVE BEEN CONDUCTING AFTER HOURS IN YOUR BAR (IN CLEAR VIOLATION OF YOUR LEASE). I SUSPECT THAT ENDING THE VOLE FIGHTS SHOULD REDUCE YOUR POWER CONSUMPTION BACK TO YOUR NORMAL LEVELS. ON THE OTHER HAND, IF THE BAR CONTINUES TO CONSUME ENERGY AT ITS CURRENT RATE, YOU CAN PONDER THE ERRORS OF YOUR WAYS FROM INSIDE YOUR USUAL HOLDING CELL. HAVE A NICE DAY
See what I mean?
So when you start committing the Rules to memory, perhaps you should begin with the Sixtieth Rule of Acquisition:
“Keep your lies consistent.”
When dealing with a hew-mon (Avery Brooks), always get your story straight.
RULE
#62
As we all know, the leading cause of death on Ferenginar remains accidental vehicular collision. This has been true for hundreds of years (barring the snail steak food-poisoning epidemic of 11,902) and win doubtless be true for hundreds more. People often ask, are Ferengi really that inept when it comes to vehicular navigation? I mean, how hard is it to control a skimmer? Frankly, it’s pretty easy. Yet the skimmer death toll continues to mount. And I can sum up the problem in one word: Ferengi Road Design. (Okay, that’s three words, but it’s one thought.)
On the left is an aerial view of the most heavily traveled skimmerway on Ferenginar, Skimmer interchange 405 just outside West Wormwood.
As you can see, the pattern of this interchange clearly forms the ideograms “Drink Slug-o-Cola! It’s Good For You!” Subliminal Marketeers for the Yand Corporation determined centuries ago that frequently travelled skimmer routes become imprinted on the driver’s brain. So what better way to increase product awareness than to make the very roads themselves advertising logos? Slug-o-Cola, who pioneered this technique, used it to completely take over the soft drink market from Eelwasser, their closest competitor.
Unfortunately, the tricky turn required to complete the ideogram for “Slug” has proven almost impossible to navigate on a rainy day. And it rains almost every day on Ferenginar.
Still, subsidies from Slug-o-Cola have made the Ferengi Skimmerway Construction Department one of the most well-endowed public trusts on all of Ferenginar. And it’s hard to argue with success.
So drink Slug-o-Cola!
Just watch out for that last turn.
And remember the Sixty-Second Rule of Acquisition:
“The riskier the road, the greater the profit.”
RULE
#65
It’s not giving away any government secrets to say that when it comes to the art of warfare, Ferengi have never advanced much beyond stick figures. Though Ferengi love to crush their opponents across the negotiating table, the thought of disemboweling someone, or even worse, being disemboweled, leaves the valiant sons of Ferenginar feeling a little queasy. So it’s no surprise that the Ferengi armed forces, which rely entirely on volunteers, have always had trouble keeping their ranks at full strength.
In fact, it was nearly impossible to get a young Ferengi male to put on a uniform until the Hupyrian conflict. Now, the Hupyrian conflict was one of those nasty little wars where it’s difficult to tell friend from foe, soldier from civilian. But Grand Nagus Oblat had vast holdings in on the Hupyrian homeworld, so when the Hupyrian Peoples Unity Front tried to “liberate” the Nagus’s duridium mines, Oblat knew he could no longer stand by and let the senseless conflict impact his stock portfolio. He founded the Ferengi/Hupyrian Friendship Brigade (the famous FHFB) to bring peace to that troubled world. But the fact that Hupyrians are twice as big as Ferengi, and had perfected the art of guerilla warfare during centuries of pointless bloodsoaked conflicts, dulled the enthusiasm of potential recruits.
That is, until word leaked back to Ferenginar of a delightful new stimulant discovered by the few brave (and extremely well paid) FHFB recruits slogging through the jungles of Northern Hupyria. It seems that when dried, crushed, and inhaled, the common Hupyrian wood beetle generated a sense of well-being and contentment that Ferengi found nearly irresistible.
Before long, packets of Hupyrian beetle snuff began appearing all over Ferenginar, at prices far higher than the average Ferengi could afford. Though the demand for the intoxicating and highly addictive beetle snuff rose steadily, the supply, at least on Ferenginar, remained tight. Oblat, who after all was a Nagus and thus nobody’s fool, quickly announced that from here on out all Ferengi military personnel would be supplied with one free canister of beetle snuff per week. Enlistment soared. Hupyrian casualties mounted, and within a year the Nagus’s duridium mines were as safe as if they were located in the shadow of the Tower of Commerce itself.
And to this day, Ferengi military recruitment posters still bear the battle cry of the FHFB, which has been immortalized as the Sixty-Fifth Rule of Acquisition:
“Win or lose, there’s always Hupyrian beetle snuff.”
Beware the world leader who says he doesn’t inhale.
RULE
#75
Ferengi don’t usually discuss this with outsiders, but even now, in the great age of space travel, Ferengi don’t really like to leave home. For one thing, it’s hard to get good tube grubs off-world. And even though the weather on Ferenginar may leave something to be desired, it is consistent. Besides, when you get right down to it, most known cultures insist that their females be clothed and allowed to speak.
In fact, for centuries it was nearly impossible to get Ferengi to leave their silent, naked wives, and wriggling, well-stocked larders and head into space. This resulted in the great Overpopulation Crisis of 17231, when it was said that no raindrops ever hit the ground because there were so damn many Ferengi heads in the way.
Then one day, a rumor spread that a Ferengi prospector named Mad Zook had found massive deposits of latinum on the distant world of Chimera Pi. Soon Ferengi homes everywhere bore the sign “Gone to Chimera.” And it wasn’t long thereafter that rumors of other mother lodes on even more distant planets drifted back to Ferenginar.
Eventually the rumors were traced back to the Ferengi Office of Population Control, but by then, it was too late. Billions of Ferengi had sought their fortunes in space. And when they got there, they discovered an interesting thing. Aliens. Or, in the Ferengi parlance … Gooblatrupyobs, which literally translates into “Bank accounts without brains.” Now, on Ferenginar, the only people you can try to exploit are other Ferengi. And they’re a suspicious, thrifty, economically savvy bunch, who are just as likely to be the exploiters a
s the exploited. Too often, negotiations between Ferengi end up in stalemates. But Gooblatrupyobs … that’s another story.
So maybe Mad Zook was a figment of the government’s imagination, and maybe there is no Chimera Pi, but as long as there’s a Gooblatrupyob born every 0.000021 seconds, then Ferengi will travel to the stars.
Thus There’s more than a grain of truth to the Seventy-Fifth Rule of Acquisition:
“Home is where the heart is … but the stars are made of latinum.”
The meek can inherit the Earth. The Ferengi will take the rest.
RULE
#76
It’s said that humor doesn’t translate. What makes one species smile makes another grimace. Take, for instance, the “comedy” entertainments produced on Earth. With the exception of the comic genius of “The Three Stooges” (and even then, only those shorts featuring Shemp), Ferengi find humans humorless, dour, sanctimonious boobs who are more fun to laugh at than laugh with. So when I describe Ferengi humor, I will understand if other species scratch their collective heads.
Let’s take for example the two greatest comedians of Ferenginar during the Golden Age of Silly Bwah-hah-hahs (see, already I can tell you’re not getting this): Gormie Gormatop, famous for his comic character “Klang the Incontinent Klingon,” and Dirf, Son of Dorf, who left them rolling in the aisles with his on-the-mark portrayal of “Shlork the Stuttering Vulcan.” To this day every Ferengi instantly recognizes their famous tag lines, “I will kill you where you stand! But first I must visit waste extraction!” and, “It’s n-n-n-n-n-n-not log-g-gical.” I’m telling you, these guys were funny!
They also hated one another. In fact the Gormie/Dirf feud (or, as Dirf would prefer, the Dirf/Gormie feud) is one of the defining characteristics of the Golden Age of Silly Bwah-hah-hahs. Not only would these two not share the same bill, they wouldn’t even perform in the same cities. If Gormie played East Morvin, Dirf would never set foot in the place again. And if Dirf headlined in Tregas, Gormie wouldn’t even say the word “Tregas” as long as he lived. Back in the Golden Age of Silly Bwah-hah-hahs (l can tell the term is starting to grow on you), you were either a Dirf city or a Gormie city. And then one day, the impossible happened.
It was announced that Gormie and Dirf would be appearing together on the same program, a gala memorial service commemorating the thirtieth anniversary of the death of the Swamp King himself … Flynk. It turned out that both Dirf and Gormie were rabid Flynk fans.
You see, Flynk gave Gormie his first break, playing a cabin boy in one of Flynk’s last films, Swamp King at Sunset. And everyone knows Dirf was married (briefly) to Flynk’s eighth wife. So Gormie extended the hand of friendship to his old foe, Dirf, and suggested they appear together for the sake of Flynk (and the potential of the biggest box-office gross in Memorial Service history). Gormie even went so far as to promise Dirf that he could be the closing act. To the surprise of everyone, including probably Gormie, Dirf accepted.
It’s said that more Ferengi paid to see the live transmission of the Flynk tribute than paid for any other event in Ferengi history. And though the Swamp King remained a popular figure even in death, everyone knew they were tuning in to see Dirf and Gormie share a stage for the first time.
So imagine the shock that reverberated across Ferenginar when Gormie stepped out on stage dressed as Dirf’s beloved “Shlork the Stuttering Vulcan.” As Dirf looked on in horror, Gormie proceeded to do Dirf’s entire act. Gormie had planned this moment for years, secretly studying recordings of Dirf and waiting for his moment to strike. As the audience convulsed in laughter, Gormie stripped off his Shlork suit, to reveal his Klang costume, and proceeded to run through a brilliant rendition of the Incontinent Klingon, causing people all over Ferenginar to soil their own undergarments from hysterical laughter. After concluding his act with the brilliant line “I would kill you where you stand, but it’s n-n-n-n-n-n-not log-g-g-gical!” Gormie stepped off the stage just in time to see Dirf being taken away by Emergency Medical Services (Incorporated). Gormie later admitted that he never even liked Flynk. Dirf never performed in public again.
Gormie had gotten the last laugh by remembering the Seventy-Sixth Rule of Acquisition:
“Every once in a while, declare peace … it confuses the hell out of your enemies.”
The important thing is to always keep your opponent (Rene Auberjonois) guessing.
RULE
#79
F.C.A Liquidation of the Assets of Doctor Solev of Vulcan (resident of Ferenginar 18211-18217)
Items to be liquidated:
1. One (1) Ancient Ferengi Castle, located in the scenic Gothis Mountains. Seven bedrooms, extensive dungeons, towers, battlements. Top floor of keep converted into modern science and medical facility. A rustic fixer-upper.
2. One (1) Genetic Reconfiguring Matrix.
3. One (1) Stasis Chamber, Vulcan manufacture, some burn marks.
4. One (1) Lightning Harnesser, affixed to castle tower with lightning rod attached, seventeen meters long.
5. One (1) Bio-bed (eight feet long), extensive stains. Could make a great coffee table/conversation piece.
6. Seven (7) Severed Ferengi Hands (four left, three right).
7. Thirteen (13) Severed Ferengi Feet, some with legs attached.
8. Forty-two (42) Pair Ferengi Lobes, some slightly decomposed.
9. Three hundred kilos (300k) Assorted Additional Misc. Ferengi Body Parts. Chests, torsos, knees, buttocks, etc.
(Please note: items 6 through 9 are all stored in individual jars of bio-static liquid. All are used, undesiccated, original owners unknown.)
10. One (1) Diary padd belonging to the deceased. Including notes for a scientific paper, “The Illogic of Death, or, Bringing the Dead to Life, a Noble Experiment.”
11. One (1) Scrawled Note, in Vulcan, addressed by the deceased to Professor J. Whales of the Daystrom Institute, consisting of two words … “It’s alive!” A real collector’s item.
12. Seventeen Hundred Twelve (1712) copies of various medical textbooks and journals, all in Vulcan. Many with extensive burn damage. Translate them yourself for fun and profit!
13. One (1) Vulcan Harp, charmingly dented.
14. One (1) Seven Foot, Ten Inch (7’10”) Tall Ferenginoid Life form. Semi-sentient. Composed of Ferengi body parts. Very strong. Capable of following simple commands. Will work for electricity. Warning: Do not attempt to feed by hand.
All proceeds from the sale of these items to benefit the estate of Rogi the Pigeon-Toed, Ferengi citizen, graduate of the Laboratory Assistants Institute of Ferenginar, tragically out down in the prime of life while under the employ of Doctor Solev (see warning on item 14).
Perhaps Rogi would be alive today if only he’d followed the Seventy-Ninth Rule of Acquisition:
“Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.”
Caution: If a Vulcan (Bertilla Damas) eyes your lobes in this fashion, she may want more than oo-mox.
RULE
#82
A perfect summation of the Eighty-Second Rule of Acquisition:
“The flimsier the product, the higher the price.”
RULE
#85
Dear Krax,
It has come to my attention that you are in negotiations to write a book entitled Origins and Examples of the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition. If I understand this correctly, you intend to relate brief parables which will illustrate and explain the origins and underlying philosophies of the Rules of Acquisition. Personally, I find such an undertaking morally repugnant. That you, the son of Grand Nagus Zek, may his latinum always shine, would consent to such a project makes me ill.
Have you no common decency? Would all the latinum in the galaxy be worth such a vile betrayal of your people and principles? Need I remind you that the Rules of Acquisition are the most sacred precepts of our culture? Simply quoting them to outsiders (as Quark, son of Keldar, did in his best-selling book, The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition) is one thing. But expl
aining them in detail, laying their wisdom bare for inferior species to profit from? My heart freezes when I consider the implications of such an action.
I urge you, as a fellow Ferengi, to cease and desist from this destructive and ignoble course of action immediately. lf not, I believe you will go down in history as the catalyst that destroyed the Ferengi Alliance. And I pity you when the Blessed Exchequer balances your books.
Respectfully yours,
A concerned and loyal citizen of Ferenginar
Bcc to: My Beloved Publisher, Earth.
Hopefully that’ll put an end to any plans Krax has to horn in on our market. The little creep will probably be too racked with fear and guilt to write his own name, let alone a book.
Your loyal employee,
Quark
enc.
A nice illustration, if I do say so myself, of the Eighty-Fifth Rule of Acquisition:
“Never let the competition know what you’re thinking.”
You can almost smell the wood burning.
RULE
#89, #202, #218
Now we come to one of the darker, or at least duller, chapters in Ferengi history: the time of Grand Nagus Smeet, also known as Smeet the Obvious (r. 11903-11912). His reign amounted to nothing less than nine years of sheer, unadulterated boredom.
So why am I even bothering to bring this up? Why hit such a sour note in what is essentially a frolicking tale of a happy-go-lucky culture? Simple. As hard as it is to believe, the fact remains that Smeet wrote no less than three Rules of Acquisition. So I present them to you now. You be the judge. Was this guy boring? Or was he BORING?
Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Lengends of the Ferengi Page 4
