by Mj Fields
“You miss him,” Carly held her hand.
“Every day,” she took a drink and cleared her throat. “Jonathon loved our boys as much as he did me. They were such a hand full and when I grew frustrated—like when Jase taunted Cyrus cause he was bigger and it would end up in a backyard brawl. Or when I caught Zandor masturbating over and over again...” Carly and I both laughed out loud and so did Joe, “Don’t laugh, boys are very into their penises. Apparently it’s natural. I broke down one day when I got out of a very cold shower. The boys each at one point took thirty minute showers each. Jonathon took my hand and led me to the bedroom and explained it all to me. Apparently boys have to release, or they wake up with wet nasty sheets. My husband told me that even the thought of a beautiful woman at their age would make them need to release. Then he told me every time he looked at me he felt like he did when he was thirteen years old. He even said it was a good thing that he left for months at a time or I would be walking funny every day.”
Carly laughed, “My mom’s friends would say that’s crude.”
Joe laughed, “But what would Carly say?”
“Well if my husband’s mother wasn’t sitting here I would say it’s genetic. At least where Jase was concerned.”
Both of them looked at me, and then away quickly and I felt my entire face was about to burst.
Joe quickly changed the subject, “I miss my husband every day.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Carly said sadly.
“We all lose someone, Carly. You lost your mother,” Joe looked at her enduringly and then she looked at me, “You lost both your parents.”
“I don’t remember them,” I said and forced myself not to cry.
“Mine are gone as well. We weren’t on good terms, and I regret that every day,” Joe teared up and Carly hugged her, “Don’t tell my boys please, they don’t see me like this. They haven’t seen me cry since the funeral for their father. I didn’t understand why his loss was easier to deal with.” She took a drink and smiled, “It took forever to understand but I do now. Jonathon’s love was one without question or interruption. His death was the same: had he not been there…that day--- I would’ve been. We take care of those we love, no interruption. From the day I walked away from my family, I didn’t look back. They gave me no reason to. Now I understand. It’s been very hard to but I do. If not for Jonathon I would have married who they had already determined and would have never had my four beautiful boys.” She looked at Carly, “Twisted Steel, made beautiful.”
Carly laughed, “Absolutely.”
They both looked at me as if they were waiting for me to speak, “I don’t know what to say because I don’t remember.”
“What you say my dear Tara is nothing. You don’t look back, just forward,” Joe held my hand and smiled.
“I wish I had answers,” I felt like I was going to cry.
“You decide to move forward but only when you’re ready. Just let me remind you that we’re here. It’s fate, just like Jonathon and I, and Carly and Jase meeting….”
“No, Cyrus is my friend we aren’t like that. He doesn’t do…”
“Cyrus is on his own personal journey. I have to tell you he is his father through and through. Strong, so strong for everyone around him. He just has things to get through.” She looked at Carly, “I’m sorry my dear, Jase is those things as well but he also has my spirit.”
“I wouldn’t want him any other way,” Carly laughed.
“Now Zandor, oh my Zandor he has been my Achilles heel,” Joe laughed, “He’s a momma’s boy. He just fights it so hard. He was the hardest to handle as a child. Hardest to soothe, hardest to potty train, hardest to pull off my leg when I dropped him off at Kindergarten the first day of school, and definitely hardest to figure out.”
Carly laughed, “Please give us some Zandor dirt.”
Joe laughed and looked at me, “Can I trust you with these family secrets Tara?” I shook my head yes. “Good, okay. One day when I had all four boys cleaned and corralled getting them ready for church when Jonathon was at sea, I was franticly trying to find my only white bra, all the others would have shown through and back then that wasn’t good, especially at church. Well, all three boys were looking at Zandor and he was looking down. I was confused at first until this little grin formed on his mouth and then he looked up at me, ‘Momma, if I tell you where it is promise not to be angry at me?’ I agreed and he stood and took my hand ‘I am not to blame Momma, women are beautiful, soft delicate creatures’ he walked me into his room and pulled a box out from under his bed. In it was my bra, a pair of panties that I still to this day don’t know who they belong to, and magazines. Lots of magazines.” Carly laughed and so did I. “I was mortified and he could tell, ‘momma’ he said ‘my love of women is undoubtedly because you are the most amazing beautiful woman in the world.’ I remember yelling at him that it was sick and disgusting, he interrupted, he was anxious, ‘Momma, I prefer Blondes. I fantasize that this bra is theirs when I…, look at the magazine, busty blondes, the bustier the better. Momma I love big full beautiful...’ I couldn’t take anymore and then the other three boys burst out laughing. I grabbed my bra and walked quickly the hell out of that room.” We all laughed, “I probably would have laughed but it would have encouraged them further. I was out numbered and damn it I had to be the Mom and Dad at that time because my big beautiful twisted Steel man was protecting not only our country but many others.”
Carly laughed, “I remember when I first met him.”
“I remember when you first saw Cyrus,” Joe giggled.
“I hit him in the back of the head,” Carly laughed.
“And he threw you in the ocean.”
“He did?” I couldn’t see Cyrus doing that.
“Oh yes he did,” Joe laughed.
“Another time I was pissed at Jase and trying to walk away from him, Cyrus threw me over his shoulder and threw me in the SUV and told me I better not get out or something… I don’t really remember and I smacked him again. He growled and looked at me, ‘Do it again—harder.”
I laughed and so did Joe, “I can see that.”
Joe grabbed my hand, “He’s a good man who has been through a lot. But he is so strong, brave, and full of love.”
I smiled and nodded in agreement.
There was a knock at the door and I jumped. Joe patted my knee, “I’ll get it.”
I sat nervously and then I heard Joe laughing.
Carly smiled, “Zandor is home, and she didn’t know.”
“The bra boy?” I whispered.
“The what?” I looked up at a very attractive man and immediately knew who it was, “Zandor.”
“That’s right you must be Tara,” he walked up and took my hand and pulled me up quickly kissing my hand.
I quickly looked around the room until Cyrus walked in. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Zandor smiled and let go of my hand, “I feel like I already know you, you beautiful, exotic Bird.”
Cyrus looked at me, his eyes were softer, he looked tired. He had on light loose fitting jeans, a black belt and a black t-shirt, I felt my checks flush and my body felt calm and warm immediately.
Carly cleared her throat, “So Zandor it’s nice to see you,” he picked her up and kissed her on the lips and twirled her around.
“Back off Z,” Jase warned.
“What, I’m extremely happy to see my new sister. Carly, welcome to the family and Jase, she’s my sister, she doesn’t even have tits or a vagina anymore. Which is a shame…”
“Zandor,” Joe warned.
“Momma Joe did you miss me? Mmm wine,” Zandor picked up Joe’s glass and drank it.
“By the looks of two of you, you’ve had plenty tonight,” Joe laughed and everyone sat.
Cyrus looked at me still standing against the wall, “Hi Tara.”
Just him saying my name made me smile which made him smile, “Hi Cyrus.”
“Come sit down next to me, Tara,” I look
ed at Zandor and he winked.
“I need to um…a drink,” I walked into the kitchen quickly and looked through the cupboards trying to find a glass.
“You don’t know where your stuff is yet?” Cyrus leaned over me and opened the cupboard and I instinctively leaned back against him. I looked up over my shoulder and his soft eyes glazed, “You okay?”
He felt my cheek and I held his hand against my face, “I am now.”
He didn’t move his hand and his eyes closed, “I’m a little fucked up Birdie.”
“I can tell,” I turned and hugged him, God he felt so good, so comfortable.
“We’re friends right?” his hot breath hit my neck and his breaths became labored.
“Yes,” I pulled back, “Sorry you’re just—comfortable.”
The corner of his mouth curled up, “You too, Birdie.”
I turned and reached for a glass and couldn’t get it. I felt his hands grip my waist and he let out a deep throaty sound as his fingers slipped up the hem of my shirt. His finger ran back and forth over my side and I giggled and squirmed a bit.
He chuckled, “You’re ticklish.” And then my feet left the ground, “Grab two, Birdie.”
As soon as I turned I smiled at him, “How was your day?”
“It was a long day but very fruitful,” he took the glasses and opened the fridge, “What’s your flavor?”
You.
You’re my flavor. I wanted to answer, “Water is fine.”
“How about some milk Birdie?”
“No, too much…”
“Did you eat today?” He turned and looked at me with a frown.
“Cyrus, your mother is here.”
He chuckled, “Yeah, my bad.”
“You hungry?” he looked up at me and I wasn’t sure what the look was he was giving me and then he tried not to smirk.
My eyes widened and he laughed, “Yeah, what do you got?”
He walked up to me, he was incredibly close and I could feel my nipples tingle, I looked down to make sure they weren’t visible and he groaned and then cleared his throat.
“You still sore?”
I wanted to say yes, I wanted him to touch me, “No, I just don’t understand…”
“They like me,” he smirked and handed me a glass.
He opened the fridge, and grabbed some rolls, “I’m gonna warm these up, you’re going to eat one with me.”
There was no question, just a directive and I wasn’t going to fight. I was sitting and watching him. He turned on the oven, “There’s a microwave.”
He smiled, “Not the same trust me.”
He bent down and opened the cupboard and I leaned over to watch him. Naked he was fun to look at. Clothed, just as fun.
I looked away when Jase and Zandor walked in the room both smirking. I closed my eyes tightly shut and they chuckled.
“We want some, too,” Zandor chuckled.
“You better be talking about garlic knots fucktard,” Cyrus stood and turned around.
“Cyrus, your mouth,” I looked up to see Joe and Carly walking in.
Jase’s phone chimed and he grabbed it and I watched as his face dropped. Carly was at his side within seconds. He showed her the text and she rubbed his back, “Momma, we need to leave now.”
“What-- no sleepover? I was…” Joe began.
“It’s Charlotte, and it’s not good.”
Carly looked at me, “Sorry, another time.”
I nodded and looked to Cyrus who was staring at me, he looked towards Jase, “Do you need me?”
“No, I’m sure Little Bell is asleep, but that means…fuck!”
“Jase, we need to go, this has happened before it may be nothing,” Carly came over and hugged me.
Joe hugged Zandor and then came over and squatted in front of me, “I will be back when I can. Get my number from Cyrus, call me with anything Tara, I was serious when I said when we let someone in it’s hard for us to let go, impossible actually.”
She hugged Cyrus and whispered into his ear and then they were gone.
Zandor looked at Cyrus, “She finally checking out?”
“Jesus Zandor!” Cyrus looked at him shocked.
“Well honestly-- she’s fucking old and she’s been dying for a couple years now and...”
I don’t know what came over me but I started laughing. Both Cyrus and Zandor looked at me and Zandor smiled and Cyrus was shocked.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to...sorry,” I covered my mouth and Zandor laughed. Again, I have no idea what came over me but I grabbed his hand and laughed with him.
I heard a slam and looked over at Cyrus slamming the cookie tray on the stove. Zandor and I both stopped laughing and he rolled his eyes.
I stood and walked over to Cyrus and rubbed his back and he stiffened up, “I’m sorry I don’t know what happened. I really am sorry.”
“Nah don’t be. But Little Bell, fuck!” Cyrus left the room.
Zandor got up and patted my head, “He’s not that good at shit like this.”
“I’m normally not either,” I said taking the knots off the cookie sheet so they didn’t burn.
“I would never admit it to anyone else Tara but me either, but people die, you can’t bring them back and you just gotta suck it up and move on,” Zandor flung his arm over my shoulder and picked up a garlic knot, “Bite?” I nodded and took it from him, “That’s a very good girl.”
I heard a door slam and jumped. Zandor took off out the door.
I watched out the window and Cyrus was at the Jeep. He was pacing and Zandor looked like he was laughing at him and it also looked like Cyrus was getting very angry.
I saw him talking on the phone and hanging up. His hands ran through his hair and then he kicked the tire hard. Zandor laughed at him again and Cyrus pushed him hard and then looked at the window, I was sure he saw me.
Loaded
“Call a cab-- I can stay here tonight,” Zandor was pissing me off, intentionally.
“She’s off limits to you,” he laughed at me again and I pushed him, “I’m not fucking kidding, Z.”
“You fucked her already, she’s off the table. We already established that years ago. Stop being a little bitch and get inside,” Zandor pushed me back.
I laughed and so did he, “This is so fucked up. I’m fucking loaded and now I gotta go in there and eat fucking bread with her? What the hell was I thinking?”
“I already gave her something to eat, isn’t that why you threw your little tantrum?”
“Fuck you,” I was tired, worn out and really all I could think about was taking a hot shower and curling up into bed and sleeping for the next eight hours, with her.
I walked in the house and was met by two terrified green eyes. She looked at Zandor the same way, “Can I …I’m going to bed—if that’s alright.”
“Yeah, we kind of need to crash here too, you good with that?”
She looked afraid and relieved at the same time as she nodded. “I put the food in the microwave and cleaned up the dishes, “I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”
She scampered upstairs and I heard the door shut.
I grabbed both of our bags and headed upstairs and showed Zandor the spare room, “And where will you be?”
I shook my head from side to side, “I have no idea-- see you in the morning.”
I walked into the master bedroom and she was curled up in a ball setting on the bed, “Mind if I shower in here?”
She shook her head no and looked at me, “Are you angry at me?”
“No Birdie, I’m drunk and exhausted and I …if I were a better man I wouldn’t be in here right now, but I’m not. I’m gonna take a quick shower and then I’m gonna come out here and dress. Then I’m gonna lay down and hold you and tell you about today. Then I’m gonna keep holding you until you fall asleep.”
I didn’t wait for an answer or comment, I was fucked up and right now I didn’t give a shit about anything except holding her, and yeah that was wrong bu
t as I said before I’m not a good man.
When I walked out she was still sitting in the same spot, “You okay?”
“Yes,” she took a deep breath and looked up at me, “Are you mad at me? Did I do something to upset you?”
Awe damn Birdie, “No.” I looked at her – hungry, I was so fucking hungry for her, “I want to be in this bed again with you. I wanna kiss you, a lot. Hold your body against mine, smell you, I want you so fucking bad, too much Birdie, but I won’t take you again. Not now, and not while I’m fucked up. Are you okay with that?”
She bit her lip and closed her eyes as she nodded her head.
I laid down and pulled her against my chest and took a deep breath, inhaling her scent. I want to know exactly what it is, the smell that makes me want her so fucking badly. If I knew I would bottle it up and keep it.
I pushed my mouth to hers, but only for a moment, “You make me so fucking hard, Tara. Every time I think about you I want to touch you.”
She moaned and I let go of her face and grabbed her and pulled her onto me. Still holding her hips I pulled her down and then up again, “Feel how hard you make me Birdie? Feel my cock against you?” Her moan is answer enough and I fight with everything I have to not rip her bottoms off, but I know I can’t.
